Skipping Out

 I don't know if this blog is safe anymore and I need a fucking outlet and timeline that can't be deleted like Apple iMessages.

 

Look for me behind the compost heap, you know the secret password.

TBC...

I'm so sorry

 I was clean of SH for a decade.

 

I'm not anymore.

 

I'm so sorry.

~Vienn

Murr Crisis

 that was probably the worst christmas of my life.

Spent most of the day bawlign my eyes out or lying in a dark room pretending to sleep.

I can fake out fitbits and apple watches. Do I get an award?

I'm so far past tired of existing idek how to put it into words anymore.

I just want to cry or sleep until i wake up as something/someone Not Myself.

I have become someThing and someOne that I hate.

It's gonna take over a year to get back to where I was when I moved here, weight-wise.

Sanity-Wise, the last 3 months have undone a decade of work and none of the uselss fucking Career Management cunts in charge of this department will grok shit.

.

.

.

This is why I never used to try to have nice things.

I've learned my lesson now.

Please.

Please; just let me Go with minimal Collateral Damage.

Merry Christmas.

I'm sorry.

~Peri

 i gave up everything I had to come here.

And all I did was marry the American version of my mother.

~Peri

Humanity can go rot

 Trying to figure out the most terrifying point in my life and I can't quite parse it.

The first time I went through American Border Security?

When Mum threw me out in my stocking feet and I walked to Grandpa's panicking the whole way, thinking  that every vehicle I heard was her come to kill me until I saw it wasn't?

Being the Submissive in a Scene and realising neither Dom would respect my Safeword with no way else to back out?

15,000km from home, no support group, no friends, the only advantage I have is that unlike expats from other countries I can believe that my loved ones are as safe as Before Now.

Willingly choking on 30+ years of accumulated PTSD, walking into a Hospital for my first shift as a healthcare worker during a global pandemic.

(I regularly passed out within 5-10mins of entering a hospital from age 5-24)

I'm probably never going home again. I'll never see Glamour Nana and Granda alive again.

That's been hard to deal with.

I've missed all BNephew's christmases and Bdays.

We haven't had a proper wedding celebration anywhere, and our 'first honeymoon' was when we both got isolated with the fucking 2019 SARS during the second wave here.

I didn't feel hunger for four months after the main symptoms passed.

I should have taken advantage of it, but something in me is too stubborn to die.

I can't go home.

I'm simultaneously more trapped and freer than I have ever been in my life.

Yesterday my wife noticed I don't have boob overspill in my sports bra anymore.

Of-fucking-course that's the first thing that she'd notice.

I've only lost about 2kg total.

 Don't know the fat:muscle ratio, can't figure out how to make the scale do that.

I need to figure out an exercise plan to replace what I was doing wrt strength+cardio while picking orders.

My hair is so much thicker than it was when I moved here. Some of the greys came back in brown, some of the browns went grey. I don't care anymore.

I'm so, so tired.

~Peri

I always wanted a marriage like Nana and Grandad, or K+S, or S+J.

Should have known it would never be for me.

Any combo other than man+woman and nobody does.

Oh well, now I've stopped hoping for the impossible I won't be disappointed anymore. Just gonna what I can have and be happy with it, I guess.

I've lost 2kg so far this month. Ten more to get back to pre-America weight.

Then six more to where the midpoint of my 'healthy' BMI range.

The fucking retarded GP I have here has always been up my arse about my weight.

Get ready to deep-fry those words and eat them with ranch, motherfucker.

~Peri

Homesick Expat Early-Pandemic

I miss my friends.

I miss the regulars.

I miss the guys from the Halfway House.

I want to know how he's doing, the bloke who seized and smashed his head open on my checkout. Who grabbed my hand after being loaded on the gurney and gave it a shake. I can't remember what he said. I wish I did. I wish I could.

That was one of the strangest moments of my life.

I hope he's OK.

It's a sad irony that all the not-straight people here are methheads. Druggies like him.

I want to be home.

These people have no idea how lucky they are. How sheltered. How privileged.

Sheer geographical distance and population density sheilding them from everything.

EVERYTHING.

I'd rather be home, with distance and ocean and petrol prices creating an inescapable boundary than here, in Dumbfuckistan Central, surrounded by spoiled idiots who can get away with assuming they are the totality of the world with no personal consequence.

I don't know if I caught Corona from one of them of from my wife's scrubs while doing the laundry.

What I do know is that every ignorant cunt who compares it to the flu has never had both.

I'd rather do three contiguous bouts of influenza followed by a bout of norovirus than have another round of "Wuhan Flu".

It was the most awful 1.5 weeks of health I've ever had and I could still breathe on my own. The dogs were happy that I napped with them so much, but needing a morning liedown and afternoon nap after 12+hrs of sleep and 3-8 cups of coffee IS NOT RIGHT.

I feel so bad for dry-heaving when I got the respiratory panel swabs done. I'm glad I put my head back in the corner of the passenger seat and the door so I couldn't get away from the swab. Made it a bit easier for her.

I knew what I was getting into, coming here. More or less. I didn't count on a repeat of the black flu but here we are.

Shit happens, and we have to continue.

At least the apocalypse nightmares are cooler than reality.

~Peri