Alive

Numb.

Disconnected.

Spaced out.

Inside my head there is blessed silence. It is amazing.

Occasional headaches shove their fingers into my eyes, I ignore it and drift. I ignore cold, hunger, people, everything. Indifference is a form of bliss.

Curling up in a woolly hood of denial. I'm normal. I'm normal. There's nothing wrong with me.

Tomorrow is the first of August, so here it is.

My SSPA Plan.

1) 1400-1800cal/day, OR a minimum 200cal deficit taking BMR and daily activities into account.
2) 30mins of calisthenics per day
3) Gym 3 times per week
4) Consume 100% of fiber RDA according to www.fitday.com (Laxies make you BLOAT!)
5) 10mins minimum contact juggling practice per day
6) Walk to and from University once each weekday.
7) Green tea&coffee, Green tea&coffee

This I will most likely tweak. Rewards will be along the lines of more beads, bath products from Lush and M:TG Boosters.

The calorie allowance is high because:
1) Anything lower than 1500cal triggers the binge-reflex in our brains
2) Anything lover on a consistent basis will slow the metabolism down

Tomorrow morning is weigh-in and readygetsetGO!

Time to shower, I am unclean.

~Peri

This Post Is Superfluous. Follow the landslide up the other side

I got a letter from the doctor about the new counselling oppertunity.

They said if I missed my first appointment I will be kicked no questions asked.

It was yesterday, mum brought he letter around today.

3 panadol, 4 asprin, 4 omeprazole so for. It won't kill me, but I can still try and hope.

Why the FUCK am I taking pills? All the liquid will just mae it easier for them to force me to vomit it back up!!

I like the bitter taste, and the omeprazole make a funny noise when I swallow them. All tinkly.

If I'm alive tomorrow I'll spend the $20 from mum on enough paracetamol to kill me. Or a binge to put all my previous binges to shame.

Screw the slow thing, I want this over fast.

Roku, read her case report. Yellow eyes, right there.
http://www.thefreelibrary.com/Omeprazole-associated+digoxin+toxicity-a0162977407
Mine aren't yellow yet. I'm tempted to stop, save this and use it as a starving aid.

Ooooh, what have we here? Silica Gel?


Lol. Nah.

I've still got at least one more bottle of this shit. Man this is tempting. Stay alive, & use it to hurt myelf more? Try to die, fail, hurt even more with the shame eating me inside?

I can't decide, I'm tired.

I just cracked up so HARD with snot running down. Looking at my hand, thinking "I wonder if I can swallow 3 at once? I've never tried it before. What if I can't?" I'll just CHOKE and die FASTER! XD

I finished the first bottle, already-open bottle of 30. I don't know how many there were, but it isn't enough. I'll leave that other one for now. My belly is full of water and pills. Not enough, no not never enough. I'll still live godamnitalltohellwiththefuckingbabyrapers. I want to sleep forever in the quiet black dark. No more life, no more hurting.

This is what you get folks. I'm perfectly FUCKING normal. Tomorrow morning nobody had better get in my fucking way, coz I'm gonna be so disappointed to wake up.

Gotta get me some paracetamol. And run that equation again, since I'm fatter than the first time I crunched the numbers.

~Peri

P.S. I forgot SSPA. I'm going to put contuing my bellyflop on out on hold until the end of that august happening. THE PUNS THEY BUUUUUUUUUUUUURN.

So, SSPA fuckers. Who's in? I'm declaring my battle plan after work.

People=Shit

I'm at the end of my rope. I really don't think I can do this any more.

Nobody gives a shit, nobody tries to understand.

I'M NOT YOU SHUT UP FUCK OFF LEAVE ME ALONE KEEP YOU BIGOTED OPINIONS BEHIND YOUR FUCKING TEETH YOU NEVER LISTEN ONLY TALK SO YOU KNOW NOTHINGNOTHINGNOTHINGNOTHINGNOTHING!!!!!!

Never try to explain anymore. You won't listen, won't understand, won't believe, won't care.

I don't want to wake up. Sad thing is that I know I probably will.

DON'T give me any goddamn sympathy, I don't want it or need it. There is nothing you can do to save me when I don't want to save myself.

Give up let go let fall slide away into warm comforting black. No more opening eyes to noise loud confusion eyehurting lights and people people abrasive PEOPLE.

Leave me the hell alone, let me die in peace.

Binge By Shopping, Binge By Eating. Either Way, The Money Has Gone.

58.3kg. Fucking Easy Mac binge. Blarg.

Thank GOD I'm stony broke! The necklace is eating up my cash, thank god! I got another bead on y way to the tutorial. It was that or 4 new colour of nailpolish.

Erm, I WAS stony until Mum came to drop off some mail (I've been referred to a shiny re-named Psych group thing. Shiny!) $20 since I ask for nothing. Cheers Mum! :D

My brain has shut down in protest of Economics homework and work in the early morning tomorrow. Today I shall say it with pictures.

My horrible hairy hand, with funky particoloured nails and my first Lovelinks/Pastiche/Pandora/Evolve/Pastiche/Princess/Chamila bead.

I inherited the hairy knuckle gene from my hairy pasty ginger father. Nasty.
That little loveheart bead reminds me of all of you when I'm not glued to the computer. Awesome.


Me. Looking nasty. I dot it so well.


What I wore yesterday, except I had tights and sturdy walking shoes on.


See why I covered them up? Nasty nasty NASTY.


My pretty new shoes.

Now I've proven that I'm a fucking car accident on legs & that there is NO such thing as a good photo of me.

Looking at that lot I'm not surprised that little kids cry when they look at me. (No shit, they always have)

Please excuse me, I'm going to go cut eye-holes in a very large paper bag. Or just not go to work tomorrow.

That is sounding pretty damn appealing right now.

~Peri

Don't Take Your Shitty Out On Everyone Else

Oh blarg, do I feel like crap right now or what! I'm crashing off of a massive coffee high, and I've got a killer headache from getting smacked in the head. On Tuesday night I headbutted the kitchen shelf at high speeds, and last night some TWAT knocked a unicycle off the wall racks into my head.

:( This blooooooooooooooooooooooooooows!

Oh well, a few panadol and an early night will hopefully sort it out. The bruises are starting to come in. Lol, at work I'll just tell the customers I misbehaved and the boss wacked me one XD

I'm kinda worried. Shit like this happens in 3s (If you're superstitous) and they seem to be gettting progressively weirder. What's next? A head-on with a low altitude seagull? 0.0 Bloody hope not!!

The plateau seems to be broken. I say seems because I was finally SOMETHING other than 58.6kg this morning. HOLY FREAKIN' SHIT GUYS!! After 4 days in a row I was starting to think the scales were broken. Lol, I am kinda bummed that my Magical Maintaining Girl Powers failed me, but being 58kg again is nothing to sneeze at. Wouldn't it be nice to hit a good weight, flick a switch and maintain it forever? (Unless you start gestating spawn, of course!) I'd totally do that.

I didn't even make it through half of my cardio program today. Headaches and nausea from the head-beatings. I bought myself some jewellery to remind me of you guys. A Princess bead (Cheap version of Pandora. The are a whole bunch of them now. Chamilia, Princess, Evolve, Pandora) and a chain. It is pale blue with pink heart-like pink spots in it.

Dolly is all shitty. Poor diddums left herself a huge pile of dishes AND the kitchen to do. Just put on your big-girl panties and DEAL with it. Slamming doors while putting out the rubbish is so mature. Just suck it up, would you? Quit snapping at me coz you're in a shitty you stupid whore. You did it to yourself, quit making it everyone else's problem. Ugh, she'd better get stoned soon.

hey're getting pissy about Dralion being an inside-at-night cat and the litterbox. I honestly can't afford to keep buying firewood AND get Dralion spayed if there are complications. i.e. KITTENS. (Is most definitely a girl cat. No scrotum to speak of.)

Ugh, fuck this. I'm cold and crook and sore and cranky. I'm gonna go study under a pile of blankets. Fuuuuuuck I feel sick.

I'm so close to screaming, shes going on about SPONGES now. Oh my fucking GOD. Just get one out of the PILE in the bathroom that are used for cleaning instead of wasting another one.

Someone get me out of here please. I'm going INSANE. I love this house, but there is no way in hell I'm living with her again. Time to start looking for next year *Sigh*

~Peri

When You Can't Run Anymore. . .

. . . You crawl.

And when you can't do that any more, you find someone to carry you.

How do I do this? How can I convince someone of something I wouldn't want to believe about myself? How do you tell someone they are amazing and incandescant and mind-numbingly lovely when you would laugh in the face of anyone who said such things about you?

I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite. I want to destroy myself slowly and agonizingly, because I feel that it is all that I deserve. I am a waste of space that does nothing but consume. Time, resources, information, water, electricity, deadly chemicals. I waste too much. Create too much that is waste. How can you convince someone that they are doing something horrific when you are doing the identical thing for vastly similar reasons.

Broad brush-strokes my dearest, the only difference is in the detailing.

Amore, I want to tell you that you have made a huge impact on my life. I see a bright, burning halogen light from you that you insist on fettering for no good bloody reason. You starngle yourself with black fingers of self-hate that I want to break and shatter so that you can no longer torment yourself with untruth.

These lies you tell yourself do you no favours.

I want to reach inside you like a surgeon and fix that which is broken. I know that I cannot and this knowledge tears and kills me inside. There is NOTHING that I can do. I feel like someone facing a burning monk armed with nothing but a drink bottle. You have chosen this and set your course and I can do next to nothing to persuade you that the world is better with you in it. The typed comments are a feeble attempt compared to actual solid enfolding arms and hands holding you back from the purge and the sharp edges you chose for self-flagellation.

Can I throw buckets of water on these burning monks in a feeble attempt to save their lifes? Words are a feeble nothing, yet they wield them to acutely painful effect. Mine are but a paper knife against shining steel, absolutely ineffectual. Yet some attempt must be made, in the vain hopes that the right combination may be struck upon to douse the consuming flames.

How can I ask you to stop? Moral obligations are ambiguous here. Do I respect your right to die, as I would have you respect mine? Do I attempt to help you through the darkness, to live? How can I when life itself is such an unimaginable torture, made worse by that which we inflict upon ourselves? Which is the greater wrong? Which is more hypocritical?

I don't know. All I can do is sit here and watch you burn through you words. Helpless when all I want to do is reach out.

Comfort is an exercise in futility when it isn't wanted. Just know that whoever you are, whereever you are, whatever you are doing, you have value.

Why?

Because you have lived.

I will carry you in my heart for always. I will always love you, for you.

~Peri

The Logic Is Erratic!

Oh me oh my, is she backsliding again? Going so fast down the tube? Oh dearie me! (Fake melodrama FTW!)

I turned my alarm off this morning, tried to get up and was accosted by Dralion. The furry little menace purrrrred and smooched and snuggled until I fell asleep again. I'm getting run down from getting sweet bugger all sleep, it seems. Today I decided to ditch classes and study at home instead.

DON'T raise your eyebrow at me! I HAVE studied! JAPA343 is caught up the the beginning of the second week, as the second weeks' notes aren't up yet! Time for Economics. Mmmm, relish the emotional pain of approaches to deriving GDP.

Oh my, it appears I have lost a follower. Haere rā! Obviously SOMEbody didn't do what I said, watched the Once Were Warriors clip and became offended. You were warned *Sigh*

Todays web browsing study breaks included periods of Eek!, Aha! moments, periods of uncontrollable drooling, and hysterical laughter. As well a plans to do more exploring of those places on the net.

Do YOU suffer from ED? XD

SPEAKING of my mate Ed (With a lower-case 'D'), I've been steady at exactly 56.6kg for the last 3 days. I'm starting to feel like a freak. The Magical Maintaining Peri. I've had MASSIVE calorie deficits on top of eating enough to stop my metabolism shutting down. (Read: Consuming 1800-2000cal and burning 2,400-2,700cal in the course of the day) I'm either plateauing for some weird reason, building muscle from the gym, or the aspartame is exactly counteracting the coffee and green tea. Eh, I'll see what I want eventually. Patience Peri, patience. At least I've been getting all my fiber! XD

Heh, lookit what Crazy Rosie found for me:

Isn't she a doll?

In case you haven't noticed, I'm aBAT!

What are you?

~Peri

Cutting Diamonds With A Rubber Knife

Well hello, Monday. What on earth are you doing in my kitchen? Me? I'm just doing the dishes.

No, you can't have any FUCKING eggs, now piss off and kill me some meat!

Before you hit play on the video, go here. Once Were Warriors is an iconic piece of New Zealand culture. It unflinchingly portrays the domestic violence that most would like to keep behind closed doors. If you want to keep your eyes closed to people having the shit beaten out of them (I know that guys get the bash too) then don't watch it.


(True cowards dominate those physically/mentally weaker than them with violence. JAKE YOU FUCKING COWARD)

Now you all understand my 'cook me some eggs' references.

Yeah, I was up til 1:30am doing dishes, and got up at 7:00am to finish them. Dolly didn't even TRY to rinse her baking crap. Ugh, naaaaaaaaaaasty!

I nearly fell asleep in class. The mention of testicles woke me up quick smart. (Group presentations with funky subjects!) I was so tired my trip home meandered through several shops. . . I got very, very naughty XD

I have pretty new shoes (Salvation Army) a yellow cotton miniskirt that reminded me of Anise and Roku so I HAD TO HAVE IT. A belt, earrings, bath bomb, book, hair dye, hair bleach (BOUT SODDING TIME!), cat cage, catnip moisie and a contact ball filled with water and pink glitter.

Shopping binge much? Miles is gonna love what the shoes do to my legs. Pretty black heels with bows on them! *Dies* The legs are far too pale. I'm going to have to do a little fashion show for him in tights XD

My brain isn't all that with it right not, I'm afraid. Bugger all sleep, lots of exercise and restricting don't make for very good thought processes.

Oh yeah, I enrolled in 5 weeks of hip-hop dance classes. Starting tomorrow night.

My nails are 50/50 highlighter yellow and firetruck red. Funk-aaaaaaaay!

58.6kg still, despite the homemade apple crumble. Mmmm it was good! He peeled and cored the apples, then bunged them in. Woot they still looked like apples! XD

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. I'm gonna drink my tea and go to bed. Slowly working my way through the copy of Perfect that Roku sent me. I seem to have no time to read books anymore. This horrendous deprivation MUST be corrected AT ONCE.

Nightynight, my dears. I hope your Mondays were as kind to you as mine was. If not, tell it to cook you some fucking eggs and go do something fun.

~Peri

HEAR ME ROAR, BITCHES!

AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! Polly and Beldam were RIGHT!! Back to 58.6kg today, which has most likely been fucked by Miles' virgin attempt at apple crumble, but right now I DON'T CARE! I will keep persevering, keep on trying and exercising and that fucking NUMBER will go DOWN.



Heh, I totally pwned at work today. I was an epic slicing NINJA. Useless New Girl (NOT NGS. NGS has potential, this strumpet did NOT) is finally GONE! YUSSSSS!! After showing up to 6 shifts in 3 months. GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE. GO FUCK OVER ANOTHER STORE'S DELI YOU SILLY BITCH.

I'm feeling feisty. 150 beautiful lunatic think this is worth reading. HELLOOOOOO NUTTERS! WELCOME TO THE TEA-PARTY! :D

Dammit, Dolly made assloads of banana cake today, and didn't bother to rinse the dishes. I'd better go do a load tonight so there is less to do before class in the morning. FUCKING WHORE. I have her chocolate as a midnight snack :3



I love you. OWN yourself, rock your shit. Jump in the mosh pit and headbang until you get whiplash. None of this half-ass bullshit.

Let's fucking DO this shit! I'm talking about LIFE here and now and this. Not our collective slow suicide. Eyes on the prize, set your sights on what you want and never let go of that dream. You can be and do ANYTHING you want if you get your teeth into it and don't let go. Don't let your fucked-up internal voices tell you that you aren't allowed to be happy, that you don't deserve to enjoy things. THEY ARE FULL OF SHIT.

~Peri

FUCK FUCK FUCK

The feedback on my Thin Book totally blew me away. I'm debating taking the photos down. I don't want them to be the trigger that sends someone else down into hell with us. However I am proud of the work I put into making them pleasant to look at.

Did you notice the lack of walking skeletons? I don't find skeletal models attractive. Give me Kim Karsahian any day. Women like her make me strive to be my best, as she has striven to be hers. There are many layers of meaning in there. My many different levels of hell laid bare. I do not solely consist of a fear of numbers and consumption.

"Watch me die, watch me die"

Indeed.

Today has been up and fucking down. It's like being in a paint mixer on a roller coaster.

Was up to 59.2kg AGAIN after GOOD RESTRICTING. Nearly cried.

Saw your comments, felt better instantly.

Left for work on time-ish. Got pulled over by a cop coz my taillight is still out. He was nice, had me count to 10 into the breathamalyser. Good thing my 18 years of education haven't been wasted, no?

(Holy cow, I've been in some form of schooling (Not counting pre-schooling) for almost as long as my brother has been alive. Longer than my cousin has been alive. Shit, I feel old!)

Got to work late, forgot to temp-check the drumsticks when they came out of the oven. Had to unwrap, temp and dump THE WHOLE LOT. This had our Fascist Dictatrix officially reprimand me.

Felt like SHIT for the rest of my shift, got home. Snuggled Dralion, felt better.

Now I have Miles&Circus club people wanting me to go a party. I have to clean the bathroom, shower and do the study I didn't do during the week coz I was watching movies with Miles.

Now I'm fucking mad. I don't WANT to go out, but if I don't I'll feel like shit.

FUCK I HATE DAYS LIKE THIS.

~Peri

Ed's Book Of Thin

Ok, meh book. Some pages are obviously sill under construction, and some are meant to be stand-alone, and not viewed as a 2-page spread. I do the cut-and-sticking at home and pen-work during lectures. Yeah yeah, I know. Shut UP Peri, we want the goods!

-Pics are gone. Get over it-

You ask, and I deliver :p

I wish my fucking SCALE would do the SAME. Oh well, I guess 100grams can't be sneezed it. 58.5kg. I can glare all I want, but down is down *Sigh*

I felt like such an ungrateful cow last night. My 'nephew' (Best mates kid. I'm always 'Aunny Pee' to them) we so happy to see me, lots of cuddles and games. He kept giving me Fruit Bursts. After the first one I stashed them in my pockets until my next Pepi Max-fuelled loo trip when I could dispose of them. Sorry honey, your Aunty loves you and really appreciates your gifts, but she's just a bit crazy, ok?

Fuck me.

On he note of crazy-bitch-who-don't-wanna-eat, here's my SSPA banner fresh from Paint.


I'm feeling a little dirty right now. You've seen something that until now only I've laid eyes on. Exposed some more of my inner filth to you. It is unadorned, not intended for outside eyes. Bare wood with some bark still clinging, to re-use one of my favourite analogies. An unpolished and roughed-in carving. Bared to the world.

I don't regret it in the slightest.

"Here I am, warts and all"

~Peri

COFFEEEEEH!!

Muahahaha!!! I am once again tanked up on excellent coffee and hiding out in the deliciously warm computer lab at the University of Otago.

:3

I just realised that this computer doesn't tell me to spell in American! Yussss! *Punches air* (This means, though, that I will fuck everything else up too and not notice 0.0;)

I was 58.6kg this morning. I'm going to avoid the hell out of food as best I can for the rest of the day and exercise my ass off so hopefully it's lower tomorrow. Fucking Games Night and it's candy. Thank god I can plead stress-stomach to get out of eating it!

OMG, I'm not fucking surprised Dolly's the size she is. Her microwave prawn crackers/shrimp chips that are 1 Weight Watchers point/serve (Or so she said) have over 700cals per serve!! D: HOLY SHIT!!!! Thats one THIRD of a normal person's reccommended daily caloric intake!! She gave me one and I broke bits off it and put them in my pocket when she wasn't looking. Lol, I saw this morning she hadn't eaten them XD I still gave her chocolate which she ate. Yes, I'm trying to sabotage her. No, I don't care. I enjoy it. I'm a bitch. You should know this by now!!

Sooooooo, circus club last night. (Same as every Wednesday, if I get my way.) I got there early and hopped up on the bouncy stilts. After 10mins I was strolling slwoly by myself! Booyeah!! Look guys, NO HANDS!!! :D Next week I'm going to start learning different strides and bouncing. I can't wait!!

Some random dude also turned up and started taking photos. This guy is a photographer who pretty much runs around and takes photos of whatever the hell he likes. Last night he felt like crashing the hippy party and snapping away at anything that moved. He should have the photos up on his site next week, so when I spy them I'll put the link up. (He has been warned that I'll whore him all over the Blogosphere. Coz I can) We did some acro and I did some hoop&tail poi for him XD I feel like a right little circus clown!

Class in 30mins, and I'M GONNA GO! Heh, it's economics so I sit up the back and scribble in my Ed book. (Thinspo book, but I've got "Ed." on the front cover in sparkly stickers so I remember not to leave it out by accident.) I'm proud of how some of the pages turned out, so I'll put photos of them up one day :)

Ok, gonna go potter on the internet like a typical slacking student. You have a good day, my lovely one. I hope wherever you are and whatever you are doing you succeed and have a brilliant day.

WE HAVE THE POWEEEEERR!!

~Peri

Uncontrolled Expansion

Heh, this quote from lunchtime was funny in context, and funnier with the context removed. You are so NOT getting the rest of the story, just fill in whatever you dirty little mind wants in the comments box. . .

"So I reached under the counter to the Porn Pile. . ."

XD

I'm holed up in the Commerce building avoiding food like the plague-carring filth it is. Fat Plague!! Augh! Miles decided that to de-stress I needed to watch a movie and consume half a tub of soy ice cream (450cals) with 150grams of assorted M&Ms, chocolate chips, chocolate buttons and chocolate powder ontop of it. (Lovely, but NOT relaxing.)

Back to 59.2kg today, SO FUCKING ANGRY. I NEED to be thinner. This layer of fat covering me suffocates me, and the thought of the excess stored in my intestine makes me uncomfortable and cranky. My beloved broccoli is no longer in season. The size of the heads has halved and the price quadrupled, although they definitely look like they are in better condition.

GET IT OFF. GET IT OUT.

GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OOOOOOFF.

I wish people didn't think that being social should involve candy, ice cream and cookies.

STOP SABOTAGING ME, PLEASE! You're just making things WORSE!

I want to be 120lbs by the end of SSPA. LET'S DO THIS SHIT!

~Peri

Monkey Business

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Monday, Monday.

Bunch 'o stuff and nonsense. How can I make it sound interesting?

Dolly is being a bitch. Driving me up the wall. Passive-aggressive shit like saying the other flatmate wants Dralion sans-litterbox by the end of the month. (Tiny cat=tiny bladder=unable to hold it in all night, you silly cow!) I asked Wal' and he laughed, saying she'd come to him and warned him she'd made this shit up. Annoying petty shit like that drives me fucking insane. Screw her. Methinks she is more than a little jealous of the fact that:
- I'm getting laid when she isn't ^.^
- I'm over 30kg lighter than she is :D
- I don't need to strain to zip calf-high boots up XD
- I don't automatically schedule up all my time, so I have free time :)
- I have a boyfriend who cares if I'm crook ^.^
- I finished high school :p
- I take sick days when I feel like crap, and STILL get my housework done!
- I have my own transport :p
- I've been better at sticking to my "diet" than she has. (Girl's a yo-yoer like Oprah. Down 2 up 3 and fatter in the long run)
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. Suck it bitch. Suck it hard.


So, what has my warped little brain been making me get up to?
-I discovered that if I take half-portions I can survive having meals with a family that has seconds without having a calorie-OD. (Why the fuck didn't I ever think of that before?)
-If I stroll into Uni/Home with a massive cup from Maccas/BK/Poison-Of-Choice full of Coke(Zero) and people will assume it's full-sugar AND that you had the rest of the meal. (Ditto previous)
-Braided up some red embroidery thread and put it around my ankle. It's easy to hide under my sock at the gym. (Not that I've been today. LAZY GIRL!)
-Down to 68.5kg today after dancing & doing calisthenics like a mad thing until after 12 last night.
Disordered? Me? Never! 0.0

I purchased a stick to piss on in the morning. I'll be pushing the testing capacity of the blasted things, since my period isn't due for another 2-3 weeks. I also have a doctor's appointment in the afternoon to see what the medical 'professionals' think. Joy oh fucking joy.

Miles and I had a talk about what our reactions would be if I do have a spawn feeding off my uterus. Safe to say we'd both freak out. He joked that he'd "get that second job he'd always wanted". I told him the kid would probably be retarded, since you're not allowed to take the meds I'm on when pregnant/breastfeeding. He hadn't considered that.

Argh, all spawn-talk is currently hypothetical. Stop borrowing trouble, Peri. You're probably diabetic or something.

I'm being a fucking hypochondriac! Somebody slap me!

Time to nom a carrot and do my homework. Homnomnomnom!

~Peri

So THAT'S What It Is Called. . .

Meet the face of insanity.

"When the smell of passing thoughts piques its hunger, its maw becomes primed with acid and a taste for brains."

Whatever it is, it most definitely a parasite.

Was a disgusting and disturbing idea.

They ooze in the cracks. Slip in through open eyes and ears. They sit and fester and draw their substance from us while the medical prosession (at least in some cases) fights to keep us alive.

They then use us a leaping-off platforms to continue their spread, hiving like bees. Using our ability to communicate to transmit horizontally. They code shadows themselves into our genes to transmit vertically to our children. Tendencies lightly embossed on the DNA strands who will wake to hideous life when given just the right little nudge.

An army of very successful little parasite-diseases plaguing our race. Most of the time the little fuckers don't even raise a blip on the medical radar. Every so often one is caught as it's host gives in to the whispered urges to annihilate themselves. Of course, this comes well after horizontal transmission has occurred and occasionally also after the vertical.

We are plague carriers.

What a disturbing idea.

Lets put bells around our necks and congregate in the centers of our towns. Lets get noticed and cause havoc until a cure is found or helping hands extended.

At the very least we can have a killer party.

I found out where my won't-power went. I'd gone from not fighting agaisnt starving to not fighting against bingeing. . . Once I figured that out. . . switch in head went *CLICK*!

Muahahaha! I'm back in black, people!

This headache gives me the perfect excuse to exist on liquids and mushy food (Read: LOW CAL INTAKE) for the next 2 days.

Sorry Miles, I know it's your Family Roast Night and all, but I'm not fighting any more. I want to feel E-M-P-T-Y. Ya know, hollow and scraped and clean. Writhing on a point of agony centered in my stomach.

Let's BRING IT biz-natches!

~Peri

Face It, We're All Junkies.

Pretty (fuckable) Kristal (Shit, did I jut type that out loud? Can you type out loud? BACK TO TOPIC) gave me an award. The first step to solving your problem is admitting you have one, sooooo

*Mounts podium* (Ooooh, yeah baby!)

Hello, my name is Vienn Peridot and I'm an addict.

*Dismounts podium* (Sad face)



5 likes, 5 dislikes, 5 more addicts to finger. (Not in the sexual way you dirty whore. In the ratting-on-a-partner-in-crime kind of way. Geeze. Not that there aren'tFUCKBACKONTOPICNAOPLZ)

What do I like, hmm? (Oh boy, cue angst. Fucking emo.)
-I loooooooove hardware stores. They make me feel all safe and happy on the inside. (Is it the chains? I'll bet it's the chains you kinky bitch)
-Bonfires. I love the warmth and the firelight and the smell of the woodsmoke.
-Snorkeling in Lake Wanaka. Fucking LOVE it.
-Japan's AWESOME EFFICIENT public transport system. Shit should be packaged and exported!
-The chirp-purring noise kitens make when they are feeling playful and letting you know where they are. A-dor-a-ble!!

Things I fucking HATE (This'll be good!)
-DOUBLE STANDARDS irritate UNSPEAKABLE amounts of shit out of me. Since when was 'equal treatment' special treatment? Why the hell don't GUYS get reputations for sleeping around? Why the hell can my brothers get new shoes and not ME? GAH!
-RUDE PEOPLE. If you can't be polite SHUT THE FUCK UP! You may just get me on a bad day and I will snap, ramming you face-first through sheets of tempered glass into the meat cabinet. If you want to be treated with respect start treating the people around you with some first.
-People who borrow my brand new book to read it before I get a chance to. DO I fuck your Boy/Girl friend when you've just brought them home? NO! SO leave my bloody books alone!
-People who try to one-up you when you feel like crap. I'M ALREADY FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF, I'M NOT GOING TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU TOO, cunt.
-Working customer service. People suck, 'nuff said.

So, who are the beautiful blog-whores I'm gonna point to as addicts? Hmmmmm, decisions decisions.

SBB, Roku, Quinn, Kaze, Mina.

*Cringes* That was hard. (And so am I) (Oh shut up) These beauties also produce some A-Grade Blogger Opium, so go get a fix of their shit.

NOW.

DO IT.

DO IT NOW!!!

Over the last 2 weeks I've been getting random headache and nausea attacks. Since Irma only fucked off at the start of the week I'm pretty damn sure I'm not incubating spawn. Today during one such headache everyone's faces took on a yellowish hue. I shit you not, everyone looked ill or fake-tanned out. Scary. I'm considering pulling a sicky tomorrow (Pusssssyyyyyyyy) and going to the doctors on Monday. It keeps getting worse and I'm still eating over 2000cal/day (IfuckingHATEthis! Where is my won't-power?) so it's nothing related to starvation.

I feel like such a sook.

I want to be stronger than this. I think I should look after myself, but pride won't let me show any sign of weakness.

Fuck.

~Peri

Victory Is MIIIIIIINE!!

THIS is the music that plays in my head when I complete an assignment!

Or more specifically, the fanfare at the start. I'd KILL to have that as a ringtone. Perhaps I should get off my lazy ass and buy me a new cellphone. One hat is capable of more than sending/receiving text messages. You know, one that can actually function as a MOBILE TELEPHONE as well.

My GOD I was a whinging bitch yesterday, wasn't I? Well I'm feeling better today, thanks to Miles *Wink, whink, nudge, nudge* and a lack of class (In all senses of the word) ^.^

I got the essay done and handed in, went to the gym, sent a book winging it's way over the ocean to a special someone, did my food shopping (HAH) and went to the gym.

BOOYAH!



Mmmmm, I've got a yummy vanilla-scented bath bomb to use. If I smell like candy I'll be less tempted to eat Wal's ginger crunch, right?

OMG weirdest bank ad ever! I couldn't find the video, so I'll leave you with a vague misquote for the weekend:

"In a perfect world, you can resist temptation. . . . The only thing stronger than your willpower would be your won't power."

Let's make our own worlds perfect.

~Peri

Head Explody

I'm sitting down in front of my own laptop with a kitten on my lap, Blogger and FrontierVille open. It's feels like it's been bloody forever, but in reality it's more like 2 or 3 days.

I've caught up on people's postings. I have read your comments and love every single oneof them. I do believe I laughed like a hyena in the middle of the super-quiet Arts computer lab a few times 0.0 Chasing up commenting back is too much for my brain to cope with atm, so take your arms and wrap them around yourself. Now grab your ass. That's me hugging you ;)

Fuuuuuuuuuck it's cold in here! There's a northerly gale blowing itself in around the gaps in the lounge windows. Stupid sash windows. I have an assload of dishes still to do, so that should warm me up.

Uni is fucking MENTAL. I have an essay to hand in tomorrow on 'Unique Dunedin'. 1 page, double-spaced in Japanese. I've got a draft done that wanks on about albatrosses, nature walks and gothic buildings. Whooptie-fucking-doodah.

I've been to ALL my classes this week. ALL OF THEM. Including 9am lectures on Japanese Culture. (That counts as Cruel And Unusual Punishment. I don't care how entertaining Roy Starrs is!) I use this as an excuse to justify my (excessive) retail therapy which produced delicious bath products from Lush, shiny new stationary *Squee!*, my VERY OWN copy of Fast Food Nation and a scalded tongue and happy tummy full of Starbucks beverage.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck too much to do and too little time to do it in. Kazza is guilting me for not going to games night. I'VE GOT TOO MUCH TO DO AND YOU HAVE TOO MUCH CANDY DAMMIT. I've been a good girl on the crap food front today. ONE chocolate Sante bar and a sugar free V. I'd better see some more downwards movement on the scale if I get a chance to weigh tomorrow.

My head hurts. I have to do the dishes, shower and write this essay out tidily. You know, with big-girl characters and punctuation and junk.

*Sigh* Better get to it. Please look after yourselves, ok?

~Peri

Post From Uni. Wooooo Naughty!

I didn't binge last night!!! :D You guys are awesome at sending anti-binge vibes!!! I hope that good karma comes rolling back your way in waves of anti-B/P-ness a thousandfold ^.^

Uni-Typed Part:
It seems that some shitty things happen for a resaon.

This morning I spilt my first coffee of the day all over my laptop, the chair and myself necessitating a COMPLETE FUCKING CHANGE OF CLOTHES right AFTER I'd put a load of washing on. RRRRRGHH!!!

Today is Clubs'N'Socs day take 2. I got my photo taken hula-hooping and freakin' my circus shit in a sparkly green pork-pie hat, black pants and a black&white shirt/top hybrid. Sweeeet. I'm looking foward to next week's Critic and hoping it was actually a slightly more reputable publication that was out snapping ^.^

Bad thing number two was cake at lunch time. Someone bought a chocolate DOOM cake to our hangout corner. I had a VERY ostentatious wee nom (about 1 actual slice split up into several so I looked like as big a glutton as I felt) before escaping HERE to the computer lab to read an essay for tomorrow morning's class.

Shit, class time. Macroeconomics AGAIN.

Later:
Back in the Library computer zone D: I spent 4 hours working on the Hoop Skirt (Good thing too, turns out that there is a fire gig tomorrow night nobody knew about but L&f) and just couldn't enjoy club because I was freaking about reading that sodding essay on Prince Shotoku.

Essay is all read, and I'm waiting for Miles to come find me. Today is a total bust calorie-wise.

I had 1 serving of Doritos, 1 serving of Reeses-peanut-butter whatsits, 1 serve of Hershey's chocolate (Not so great, really) and 1 serving of Milk Duds. I thought the Milk Duds would be like the milk bottle casndies we have here. They were little chunks of chocolate-coated caramel! BOR-ING!! We also did a mission to the dairy and got ice-cream.

This was all spread out over the day, and I haven't purged any of it. Nor will I. Fuck bulimia! I have enough problems DX

I'm a fat cow but I will be putting in mega hard yards tomorrow, so I will endure my just punishment. Fuck it. I'm a flubbery sloth, I'll just have to fucking deal.

I'd better go do some hunting for an essay subject. Half my culture paper mark comes from a 3,000 word academic essay. I do NOT want a repeat of last years fiasco!

Dammit, I need to get out and lose some serious poundage. 58.8kg this morning. It's coming off slowly. I'm eating far too much. Not exercising enough. Getting over 100% of my daily fiber & Vit.C needs though! ^.^ Nooooo problems in the sphincter department for once, man it's good!

Fuck I'd better go locate Miles. I've been really shitty company for the last few weeks. Fleas+University=Shitty Girlfriend. Poor Miles :( How do I make it up to him? Beer+Oral? A 3-way with hot girls? Lots of cuddles?

Help meeee! You guys know everything, right? :p

~Peri

P.S I WANT A PORK-PIE HAT! A RASPBERRY RED ONE! WITH A FEATHER IN THE BAND!

Damn, 2 Days In A Row!

Ok, I'm exhausted and grumpy. I've had FAR too many calories today but I'm still hungry. FUCK. Stupid aspartame in my diet coke fucking with my brain.

I've been to all my classes. I was late to the first one but I still made it. I screwed up my hip walking to and from, so tomorrow I'll have to drive and spend the extra time fixing the hoop skirt.

I even finished my homework and handed it in a day early so I could enjoy La La Luna without worrying about it.

So many things I need to do, and all I want to do is binge.

WON'T SOMETHING MAKE MY DAMN BRAIN SHUT UP FOR EVEN ONE MINUTE?!

There is no way I'm gonna sleep tonight.

I'll post something cheerful tomorrow. Right now I'm too busy battling the binge monster to concentrate on anything but the fight.

DAMMIT BRAIN STOPSTOPSTOP! JUST SHUT UP FOR A SECOND PLEASE!

Silence between my ears is all I ask for. Miles keeps asking if I'm ok. I'm silent outside because inside is so loud.



~Eipr

What's THIS?!

I got up early.

*Blink*

I went to my class.

*Blinkblink*

I took advantage of a chance to switch tutorial streams to make my timetable a little kinder and take advantage of a chance for better learning.

*Blinkblink. Blink.*

I went to the gym and did my hour of cardio.

*Wtf?*

I made it through the day without bingeing.

*Ok, who the fuck ARE you? Where is Peri?*

I'm not kidding, it IS me. I'm merely forcing myself to do stuff. The carrot of graduation is all shiny and bright orange dangling with it's little fluffy green top just out of my reach. That little fuck better have no calories and taste damn good.

My reward for not bingeing was $10 to spend on proper scrapbooking supplies for my Thinspo book. If I'd walked to class I would have taken that $10 to my favourite 2nd-hand bookshop near campus. I stayed in bed too long and didn't want to run and break something on the ice. There was still hard frost on the ground at 12pm when I was driving home!!

The pizza and laxative powder have combined to give me the bloated stomach of DOOM. My size 8 pants are squeezing at my gut like they never have before. Cue lots of fruit noms. Lots and lots of fiber. Lots of it. Fucking foodbaby.

Today on the Crosstrainer I waited for my mind to blank and concentrate on sheer physical effort. For the lungs to shriek and the muscles to burn and the throat to cry out in thirst.

It just didn't happen.

The muscles bunched and released, the lungs worked normally, the heart rate increased then maintained steady 70-80% of maximum. My mind did not blank. It shrieked replies and backchatted the music on my headphones. I actively envied the legs of the womens hockey teams (NZ vs China). I was greatly distracted by the Tour De France and the beautiful bodies of the boys on bikes. (OMG this one part where they stood on the pedals to climb a hill and there was a crotch shot and DAMN the bouncing put me in mind of chicks running on the beach but far more hypnotizing. Oh my! *Fans self*)

It seems that a binge is the only thing that will make my mind shut up.

FUCK.

THAT.

SHIT.

Not going here! Nuh-uh! Not a shit-shot chance in hell mate. take your dreams of ice cream and doritos and pringles and chocolate and SHOVE IT. Gimmie my cuppa tea, thanks.

(If I keep telling myself this will my fat disappear?)

Tomorrow's game plan:
Get up
Walk to class.
Class.
Coffee&Naked bar&University Internet
Class
Homework&Diet fizzy&Almonds&apple
Class
Walk home.
Weights Session.
Blogger&knitting.

Lets see how that goes, shall we?

~Peri

P.S. 132. Holy CRAP. Please excuse me while I run down the street naked and shrieking for the sheer insanity of it all. You're amazing. Absolutely amazing. Have some reverse-thinspo to put on your fridge if/when you need a reminder :p 'Cause I love you.

Highlights

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuggghh.

-Yesterday Miles drove me to work and picked me up again after. I was 15mins late, because he took a corner a little too fast going through Woodhaugh and we span out on the frost. A nice, slow spin. It was fun but I'm glad there was no traffic.

-One of Dolly's drunken mates fell on/leaned against the Landlord's expensive wall heater and snapped it right in half. (Very fragile things those econoheat-whatsits) She is paying for it. There is no way I'd pay for her fuckups.

-Miles bought pizza for tea last night. I ate less than I normally do ^.^ Going slooooooooow. We stayed up until midnight watching Elfen Lied and Starship Troopers. (Underlying theme: Humans are scum and should be eradicated)

-Today I was 59.9kg. Cue feeling useless.

-My uni timetable SUCKS. 3-hour gaps btw classes D:

-I've felt like ass for most of the day. Headache and nausea, dizzy and dying of thirst. Theories being bounced around the deli included diabetes (Helloooooo Diabulimia!!) and pregnancy. (Helloooooo Irma!!) Oh fuck me!

-I'm going to 'The Gay Party' with Jaq at the end of the month. Gonna be fun! I wanna wear a pretty dress!!! D:< I just need to find some cunt to cover me. (Does anyone want to work 0730-1530 for me? I'll pay in diet coke and sexual favour coupons :p)

-Hot Guy from work is now officially known as Asshole Guy. It seems I'm the only person in the store that he doesn't talk to/blatantly ignores. Tosser.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck I have class in the morning. DON'T WANNA!! *Throws temper tantrum*

Nitenite <3

~Peri

Tup'peny Mixture

Going slowly, being gentle with myself. No binge for two days. Work up from there. Trying NOT to beat myself up, no matter how much I feel like scum.

I'm recovering from my massage yesterday, so there was no gym today. Spent time shuttling on washing and Course Approval-related chores. It's fucking COLD out! No fun on a motorbike in this weather. My breath was visible steam outside at 1pm. It's fun pretending to be a frost dragon! Rawrr! ^.^

Tonight is Dolly's massive piss-up at our place with her 'Young Labour Party' mates. (AKA the contents of the Kensington Pub.) *Rubs hands together gleefully* Imma prepare my room as a Dralion Retreat and bask at Miles' Dad's place. House sitting FTW!!! I'm so looking forward to that electric blanketed 4-poster bed!

Today I finally took my ovaries in both hands and stepped on the Judge. (My scale just got a name. Congrats, you've been anthropomorphised, you cunt) 59.3kg. Nowhere as bad as I was fearing, but still much, much higher than I wanted to be by now. (Binge=/=Loss. Dumbass) Work ino this slowly, Peri. Don't try to run on a broken leg.

I think I finally understand what it is to feel 'fat'. Despite the evidence of my fingers I am convinced that my thighs should have exploded outwards in waves of untoned cellulite-ridden softness. I can feel jowls at the side of my jaw, until I reach up and confirm their nonexistance. (Damn my hand are cold! May I warm them on you? ;p )Collarbones still report for roll-call, so I know it's all in my head. (I'm not going near mirrors because my hair has faded something nasty and it annoys the hell outta me when I look at it)

Still doesn't stop me feeling like the obese love child of a woolly mammoth and a hippopotamus. Go figure. It's nuts! 0.0;

Mmmm, something cute to leave you with. Miles had kittens last night! Well, a kitten, but you get my drift ;)


Dralion's goal was the zip puller


And with that, I bid you adieu.

Have a wonderful weekend if I don't catch up with you before Sunday.

*Mwah*

~Peri

YouTube To The Rescue!

I'm having a better day than yesterday. I have no way to express my gratitude and love to the people who expressed sympathy and understanding and extended some hope. Give youself a big hug from me, ok?

I'm angry at the fireplace coz:
a)I'm cold
b)I promised Miles it'd be lit when he got here
c)There is no airflow under it, it just sits in the ash as it builds up
d)I can't aim well enough to cut kindling
e)I've used all the newspaper already
f)Trying to keep Dralion out of the fireplace while I'm trying to maneuver a lit match in there is a pain in the ass
g)I hate not being able to do something
h)I hate not being able to light this fire when I'm generally very good with them.

I'M FUCKING CRANKY!!!!!

GRRAAAAAHH!!!

On the bright side, I've (FINALLY) pooped and successfully restricted so far today.



Lol, dramatic cat is dramatic! (And bloody funny!)

THIS explanation had to be linked. I also like 'Fallen to the communists' and 'Cloooooosed for maintenance'. Still doesn't make this time of the month any more fun. DAMMIT I NEED TO GET LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAID!!!

If you haven't seen the I.T Crowd, go find it, buy it, download it I DON'T CARE. WATCH IT! YOU MUST! It is so many kinds of brilliant. Pure gold.

Ok, can I get away with that?

Yes, yes I think I can.

~Peri

Another Binge

Tomorrow makes a whole week of bingeing. Happy anniversary present, dearest. A whole new phase of ED. Welcome to the world of compulsive bingeing.

It won't be a nice stay.

I didn't even TRY to hide it from my flatmates. I just don't care. I've eaten an entire tub of Gourmet Ice Cream Company's Cookies n Cream, most of a party pack of Doritos and tube of mini M&Ms.

Up until that point I'd had 1100cal for the day, and poi danced/hula-hooped/juggled for 2 hours solid.

Fuck I know exactly what is behind this. I know the deprivation=binge psychology.

This is my new way of punishing myself, how I express my anger toward myself. My disgust at my hideousness. Since I now desire hunger pains to make me feel clean, they are no longer the torture I require to feel less putrid.

I have gone the opposite way.

I now express my anger at myself by overstuffing. Forced indulgence until it is no longer any kind of pleasure. Artificial flavours and salt burning my tongue, stomach rebelling, burping back melted ice cream.

I want to scream and rage and cry. I deserve to be flayed alive. Pushed face down in the muck heap until rotting horse shit goes up my nose and glues my eyes shut. Someone should cut me open and scrub me out with Dettol and a steel brush until the water runs clear.

I WANT to be slim and fit and healthy. I WANT a 56kg body of solid muscle that can whip through the most intricate Adagio routine with flawless ease. I want to be the unassuming pretty girl who can casually toss men twice her size using perfect technique. I want to have amazing body art adorning my skin. Warriors marks to reclaim my body from the mental scars that are warping it. Make of my skin a canvas for beautiful images full of meaning and strength executed with peerless skill.

I deprive myself of the body, the fitness and the skill.

I deprive myself of the money to ink my skin.

I express my self loathing in ways that do not bleed. In ways that can be easily ignored. In ways that I hope will cost me my life before those around me realise what I am seeking.

I will definitely make sure I am clutching hard physical evidence of my graduation from Otago in my grubby little fists before I die. Fuck them, fuck the world and fuck my mental illness. I'm going to prove that I can finish it, no matter how fucked up I am.

My punishment is about to commence. I'm going to use that godawful laxative powder of mine to get the food out. (Even though I'll still get all the calories) It will also bloat me up so I'll look as fat and nasty as I feel. Then tomorrow will consist of minimum caloric intake and maximum energy expenditure.

Failure is NOT an option. You're stronger than this Peri, and the fact that you gave in to weakness shows how pathetic and foul you are. Innately unloveable. No wonder Dralion sleeps in his kitty condo instead of on your bed. Even he knows how disgusting you are.

~Peri

Oh Crap I Need A Title For This Shit!

Mmmmm diet coke I love you. I don't love peeing every 15mins but eh, it has to be done.

I met L&L's girl the other day. Her blanket is growing while I watch ED docos on YouTube. I'm hoping the crazy thoughts don't seep into the wool. I hope with everything in me that she is healthy in body and mind. That is my only wish.

If anything like this happens to my Niece, or anyone even THINKS of hurting her, I'll rip the cause limb from limb. I do not allow you to get away with fucking with undeserving members of my family. (Speaking of which, here is a man with a distinctive facial tattoo who I will gut if I EVER see him at work. On the street I will gouge his eyeballs out. I though my day for revenge had come on Sunday. I was wrong.)

I am still angry. I am putting it to use cultivating a 'you don't fuck with me' attitude for keeps.

I went to careers advisory this morning. If I change my degree to a BA/Japanese Major then (Besides the two I am taking for it this semester) then only 3 papers stand between me and graduating. I will need to drop ECON202 this semester, pick up one in it's place. I will need 2 more 300-level JAPA papers on top of the ones I have/am enrolled for, and take ASIA101. I should be home and hosed by this time next year.

Fucking ay! *Happy punching motions*

I will face the horrors of mid-year course approval tomorrow. I'm going to charge my PSP to play while I wait in line. Lines are BORING!!

Time for club. Time to burn more calories.

Love you, thank you for putting up with my shit lately.

~Peri

Fuck Hormones

I have no ability to be smooth or witty today. I am posting out of sheer anger. Anger at the world, anger at myself.

WHY are people such morons?!?

WHY can't I keep my head out of the damn freezer?!?

It was Miles' birthday yesterday. I didn't know until I saw it on FaceBook. I feel like such a shitty Girlfriend. 'Um, hey babe. I rely on FaceBook to keep track of people's birthdays since I'm too lazy and stupid to remember them all' Mmmmmmm, smooth!

His mother took us out for Thai (I'm addicted to Thai-style red curry.*Dribbles*) and then we went to a coffee shop for dessert. Needless to say I spent last night gorging like a starving bear.

Irma decided to show up for a birthday surprise. I was unspeakably pissed off. He is house-sitting his Dad's 3-story house and I got to sleep in a 4-poster bed with an electric blanket and The Hotness. FUCK YOU IRMA FOR RUINING MY PLANS FOR MY BOYFRIEND AND THAT BED!!!! D:

We slept through the alarm this morning, so I have no idea how much I weighed after day number umpteen of (I'm blaming Irma and her hormonal buddies for it all!) uncontrollable munching. Today I restricted respectably and did my weights session at the gym.

(Still feel like this though)


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

I'm tired and cranky. Gonna make a cup of tea and exercise. I must resist the kitten-puddle. Dralion spent all of 5mins exploring his new scratching post before becoming a cute puddle of sleeping fluff in my lap. (I spent potential binge-money on a scratching post. Go figure)

Dammit cat! Get off me so I can do things!

He's giving me the 'I'm a kyoot widdle kitteh, you wouldn't disturb me would you?' look.

HELP!

~Peri

Jugger-naught

Didn't cut, didn't kill myself, (NAW!!! Really?! *Puts on a Mr.T accent* I'M A FUCKIN GHOST HAUNTING MAH KEYBOARD NAO, SUCKA!) didn't go to the gym.

Found out course approval&careers advisory info, going to take L&L stuff for their wee girl today, drafting email to Psych Lady.

I stopped bingeing when I read Ancora's comment. (Cyber lovin' to you!) I put my melting ice cream ontop of the rest of the Pringles, dumped EVERYTHING in my rubbish bin and had a frenzied little dance pouring old moisturiser on it all and mixin' it up.

Psychosis: 3 Peri: 1

Lol, hell no I didn't purge that shit Kaze. I would have died!

I took my tongue bar out last night since it was bugging the crap out of me. (It had grown too far froward to be much fun) Plans for my name-tatt are in full force.

Last night I felt so numb and sedated. God it was amazing. No screaming emotions. No yelping, clawing thoughts. No self. It wasn't worth being 59.2kg this morning, though.

Dear world, this is my middle finger. SUCK IT.

~Peri

Thou Shalt Not Think For Thyself On The Sabbath

I'm angry. Angry angry angry.

Dolly is being a bitch as well as her usual insensitive self. I'd hoped for at least a sympathetic hug from my female flatmate, and at most a joint and a shoulder to cry on.

Not sarcastic tones and dismissive words.

She thinks that reading Madness by Maya Hornbacher makes her an expert on mental people. That it is all in my head and it is easily fixed by the pills I take. She thinks I am malingering and fishing for sympathy.

Whatever, there are reasons I flat with her. Her blindness is one of many. (How many people can you SH RIGHT IN FRONT OF without them noticing??) I shouldn't have raised my expectations of this friendship with the increased distance from High School. There are many, many people who never change.

SO, after work I bought binge food.

Ice cream, toffee pops, squiggles and M&Ms. I also have pringles and peanut butter sandwiches and crackers and cheese.

I am so fucking ANGRY.

I'm a fucking C- failure. I should email the Psych Lady and update her on my "Progress".

I'm doing so well, of course.

I'm obviously not worthy of ANY help whatsoever. So since everyone has given up on me, I shall continue to give up on myself. (Hence the binge)

Last night I didn't cut. I cried myself to sleep. I realised that my only goal in life is to die. I will get the hell out of University first, of course. I do NOT want to do the fucking gowned-and-hatted parade down the main street. They can post my sodding diploma to me, or I'll pick it up in the Clocktower Building. I never wanted any part of it, so why should I take part in the biggest farce of my life?

Tomorrow morning I will get up and go to the University Student's Association gym and do cardio for at least an hour. I will do my washing and take L&L their baby stuff. After that I will find out the quickest possible way through University for me. Tomorrow night I might visit The Boy to get away from my flatmates.

I am upset and angry.

I want people to notice and just PRETEND they give a crap!

Heh, I just thought of something.

Anorexia Nervosa= Everyone is worried except the sufferer.
Bulimia Nervosa= The sufferer is the only one who is worried. (Unless it impacts someone else's budget)
ENDOS= See previous.
Schizophrenia= Everyone is worried, the sufferer is locked up.
BiPolar= The police are the only ones who worry about dealing with what the sufferer does.
Depression= Nobody worries until the corpse has to be tidied up.

That is all I can think of right now. The mouth and brain demands more food. The stomach is not happy with the sugary onslaught.

Only 2:45 left of allowable binge time. Better make this worth it.

Time to watch me self-destruct. I never promised to be light entertainment.

~Peri

C-

Pleae excuse me, i need to go slash my arms.

Or at least cut

Yay Vodka!

I'm drunking in type! The prize you gain from deciphering me tonight: Um, I love you?

HELL I LOVE YOU ANYWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!

Work sucked total balls today. I came home to an ASSLOAD of dishes (I shit you NOT, 2 water lots and 40mins) (Cheer Dolly and your fucking drunken fry-ups) and he bathroom to clean. (Once again, fuck you Dolly and the rancid vomit you left sitting in the wash house/bathroom sink for a week)

I've spent all day since I got home from work (and at work D:) bingeing. I just had 2 (3?) shots of Vodka and didn't expect it to hit me so fast. Heh, maybe I've eaten less than I thought? I fuckign HOPE!!! No poopy for daaaaaaaaaaaaaaays and the pizza's making me hold onto extra water so my salt contes isn't toxic and the mass of bread is weighing and

OH there is a kitten in my lap! An essentially free-flea kitten! :D *snugglehuglles Dralion* Heeheeeeeee, it purrrrrrrrrz! Ad makes the same 'I loves you Mummeh' face Squeaky (Ink) did.

Heh, everything is alright with enough Vodka! SO long as I don't think about work tomorrow.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I want to binge and purger and binge and purge and call in sick to work tomorrow.

Eh, I won't B&P. I could stick my hand in the fire?

NO! BAD Peri! Control those spazzy impulses!

Ugh! You're no fun!

Tough shit, deal with it.

Oh fuck, I'm arguing with myself drunkenly on blogger

Maybe, there really is something wrong with me?

(God I love my J:tHM!)

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!! I crack myself up!

Sometimes "I wish... I wish someone would just switch me off and... fix me." Actualy no, not sometimes, a LOT of the time. But FUCK THIS! I'm gonna bugger off while i'm still manic (Happy?) and before I slip into the whiny emo drunk stage.

Hehe, kitty is cute. Oh, the booze is wearing off. Should I get more (and some crakers) or sleep?

Fuckit, I'm gonna buy ED-Triggering songs from iTunes.

Actually, I won't. Coz I can NEVER remember my fucking PASSOWRD. I seriously have to reset that thing every time I try

I remembered! Helloooo Ana's Song! (Ironically on a mixtape given to me by by a high school best-mate. She dies in a car smash. Oh Dolly;s home.

She is having a praty next friday. Can I sleep at yours?

*IS VERY FUCKING ANGRY?*

RAWR

(Please can I sleep at yours? I'll do A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G)

~Peri

I weigh too much.

I can't stop eating.

Please someone help me.

~Peri

White Oleander

"No matter how much she's damaged me. . .

. . . No matter how flawed she is. . .

. . . . . . . I know my Mother loves me."

But I don't Mother, I don't. I have too much evidence to the contrary.



Just know this. You are my Mother. This fact I acknowledge and accept. I love you with all the loyalty due that simple title. No more, no less. I cannot forgive the actions, but I can forgive the person. Just know I will never forget them.

(I tried, I really did. I succeeded in burying most of them, but some of them survived. They dug their way up like zombies from the unmarked graves in my mind)



I know you did the best you could.

~Your Daughter

I Fucked Up

So, um, yeah. Forget feeling proud of me. Ya wanna know why?

58.7kg

Yup, 58.7 AGAIN.

Yesterday was our 6 month anniversary. We spent the day Op-Shopping, (I got new Manga, Opotiki by Patricia Grace, cheap knitting needles, crochet hook and teddy bear&human clothes knitting patterns) wandered around he Chinese Gardens and spent HOURS in the Early Settlers Museum. There was a War Brides art exhibition, an interactive on the settlers who came over in boats, a 1970's-themed rumpus room FILLED with toys and children's books I recognised (I was born in '86 FFS!) and a new display on the various cultures that make up Otago and their histories in the region.

There was also food. Lots and lots of food.

It started with lunch. I had a mocha and a smoked chicken omelet. Then there was nothing until dinner. First was Pizza hut. 2 slices of Italian pizza. Miles wasn't satisfied with that, so there was a Hawaiian and a Meatlovers pizza from Dominos taken to a friend's house on the was to Games Night. I lost count there, I'm going with 4 slices of Meatlovers (BBQ SAUCE ADDICT) and 3 of Hawaiian since I am a fatass.

At games night there was candy, BJ's simply amazing homemade bikkies and 100s&1000s bikkies and Vanilla Coke and I ended up feeling really fucking sick. I swear I ate more junk food last night than I did in the 2 months prior. This is SUPPOSED to be Junk-Free July!! (Sorry Roku. Forgive me?)

The bites still haven't healed, so no gym. On the bright side, there seem to be fewer on the cat.

Love from a lardass,

~Peri

Open mouth, Receive Ass Kicking

Miles has planned a "Blind Date" for us today. All I know is that he is showing up in 30mins to take me out to lunch.

It's also out 6-month anniversary today.

I overslept so I haven't gotten ANY exercise in. I'm having apple, yoghurt and coffee with my pills. Hopefully I can pull the 'I just had breakfast' excuse to get away with minimal lunch. I was back up to 58.2kg this morning, since I allowed myself a sandwich rather later than I should have last night. (I just touched 2000cal for the day with that, and still had a deficit of at least 300cal between my BMR and exercise expenditure)

AUGH FUCK I NEED TO TAKE A CRAAAAAAP!!!

Enough about that!

Well, well well. Looks like I'm not the only person who has been jerked around by "Medical Professionals"

Go read these absolute pearlas. I'm torn between laughter and disgust.

The following are mine, from my last few attempts to get help for Clinical Depression. (They never even told me I had a diagnosis. I found out when one of the Doctors fucked up and told me!)

From The Psych Lady. Remember her?
"You're doing so well. What are you doing here?" When I walked into her office bouncing off the walls. I'd seen her a month previous as had been on the verge of killing myself. After a month I was bouncing off the walls and noticeably thinner. (Does this behaviour sound suspicious at all?)

First Student Health Doctor:
"You're just got a case of the yeah-buts'" To me, just after admitting several recent suicide attempts.
"A lot of young mothers kill thier babies" Same lady, to my best friend when going over her case history and discussing a miscarriage that caused her to down a bottle of sleeping tablets. My friend was in the Emergency Room that night having another bottle pumped out of her stomach.

HEAD of the Student Health Counselling Service at Otago University.
"There is nothing wrong with you." To me when I was making a second (Or third?) attempt to see someone about the Depression. The previous weekend I'd taken 1.5 packets of pain killers with whiskey. I spent 3 days recovering from paracetamol poisoning and was getting 2 hours of sleep a night if I was lucky.

Mmm yes. We place our health and future in the hands of these asshats.

Time to finish my coffee. Kia kaha my loves!

~Peri