Monday-itis

I'm very proud to say I did absolutely no study today.

Had coffee with a friend to sort out a flat for next year. I've known her for about 10 years. We made an agreement that our friendship comes before the flat. If sharing accommodation looks like it's gonna turn us into bitter enemies, we will both move the fuck out. Lol, she's practically the only person from high school I still talk to, and one of the few who has an idea of just how bad my depression can get.

First day of the Mid Semester Break Slim-Down plan. Hardcore calorie restricting today. Lol I slept in an extra 4 hours to avoid temptation ^.^ I also busted my ass at the gym. Slipped out just at closing time. It had better work. I'm back up to 61.8 today :'(

I kinda made the mistake of going to work to get a protein shake afterwards. (One rule: If I work out hard, no matter how much I'm trying to restrict I MUST force myself to have a protein shake afterwards. It's to stop my metabolism crashing, kill any bad cravings later and help my body build some nice, lean, calorie-consuming muscles)

Hot guy was the only one serving on checkouts.

DAMMIT!!!!

I feel like someone's tied a rope to a small, hyperactive dog and tied to other end around my heart. The little bastard keeps running around frenetically and either wrapping the rope around my heart or trying to yank it from my chest. I fucking HATE crushes. He just has to smile at me for everything else to disappear. GAH!!!

He said he is pretty much back to normal after the bout of glandular fever, but no kissing or drinking allowed (Awwww, damn. And here was me planning to get him wasted so I could jump him)It's funny. Sometimes he seems to be always hanging around our end of the store, or throwing things at me and being a dick in the staffroom. At others it's like I'm a leper. I got a paper plane chucked at me today, so it seems like I'm not diseased atm. He actually noticed and commented that I hadn't been to any BSNS201 lectures in a while. I didn't realise he had been in that paper!! (Shit, all that time I coulda been ogling him across the room :p )

Seriously, someone shoot that fucking dog. As much as I want to do him, I know I'm not his type. He goes for the reps with lots of make-up and the bodies of 12-year-old boys. (Super skinny, no tits or ass to speak of). I don't wear make-up unless I'm going out, and I wear a DD/E cup and have to buy pants that are too long in the leg just to get them to my hips. Hell, the one time I went drinking with him he was hit on buy 1 guy in every bar we went to. He did protect me from a sleeze bag though, for which I shall be forever grateful. I didn't wanna get kicked outta the best dance club in town on new year's eve!!

Ok, I've written FAR too much about him. This crush is a pointless, retarded waste of energy. He hasn't had a girlfriend the whole 3 years we've been working together, and he's sure as shit not gonna start with me. I just need to find a nice, hot fuck buddy and shag his brains out. Getting laid should get my mind off Hot Guy.



STUPID FUCKING CRUSH!!!!! I promise I won't talk any more about it, unless something actually happens!

~Peri

Up Periscope! (Photos)

OMG thats an awful, awful pun >.< I hate myself so much for that, lol. But I'm keeping it, coz that's how I feel.


Clawed my way up a bit, and shoved a periscope outta the rabbit hole.


Yesterday's self-therapy was:

1) Catch up on ICHC, I has a Hot dog, and Rofflrazzi. I nearly giggled my tits off, ESPECIALLY at Arnie preparing himself for the Hanna Montana movie. I have big beef with the Disney-pop scene, but I'm not going into that right now.

2) Stand in front of the really expensive section of the coffee aisle, and not leave without spoiling myself (Hence the Chai Tea paean yesterday XD). For some reason, hot drink pampering works best with me. o.O


Today I did a lot of trash-talking with some of the butchery people. God it was fun. It also didn't hurt that a really insanely hot guy I've had an on-and-off crush on for 3 years was back at work (He's been off crook. Glandular fever aparrantly.) God I could look at that boy all day! Yummy. . .


My plans for mid semester break involve a lot of exercising, some restricting and trying to catch up on some study. (Lol that last one is at the bottom of my priorities right now. Fuck working! I wanna party!!)


For some inspiration for me to work hard next week, and so you can put a face to the rantings, I'm gonna put up some photos. Fuck they were hard to find. I HATE photos of myself!! I'm very protective of my mates, (or anyone I consider a mate) so I've chopped them out. Lol I don't even refer to anyone on this blog by their real names!


This photo is from 2005, when I was at my highest weight, 74kg. *shudder* In my head, this is what I still look like. Chubby, glasses,and a hideous body. My face is a rectangle. I can never get that short, boyish haircut that makes some celebs look elfin and gorgeous *Sigh*



The next 2 are from a friend's party a few months ago. The theme was School Uniforms. I'm kinda regretting the white shirt and how you can't see how toned my arms are now. I fucking hate dips and bicep curls, but they work like nothing else!!

(OMG I was wasted!!)


I'll be taking these down tomorrow night, my time. I hate looking at myself, and I don't want anyone to find me with this. (I've already had customers from work find me on Facebook. Fucking weirdos! Makes you paranoid, lol)


Have a lovely skinny bitch day!


~Peri


Edit: Why does adding images always fuck with the line breaks? Fucking HTML!


Edit: Omg why are my eyes always shut?!

Aaaand Morepork of the day goes to. . !

Bleh, work.

I used to get away with hiding out back and slicing both days of the weekend, but I think Sam complained to Vicky so he slices Saturdays. I do salads/sausages/cheese/bacon/olives, all the smelly cabinet stuff. LOVE the bacon, hate the olives. Seriously I think if a guy walked past me wearing body spray that smelled like good, home-style bacon; I'd just walk up to him and lick him. Mmmmm, yummy!

We have some seriously special customers at our store. I mean, that make special school look like Ivy League kind of special. Today's tie for Dipshit of the Day is between 2 middle-aged ladies, obviously from the higher income bracket.

Lady 1, While pointing at the mussels in the Seafood Department: Are these all different sizes?
Lady 2, pointing at our Deli Salads: So, these are priced by weight?

NO!!! We price them arbitrarily depending on how much of a COCK you are, and YES! WE AERODYNAMICALLY TEST EVERY BLOODY MUSSEL IN A LAB!!!!

SERIOUSLY, how do these people walk and breathe at the same time? Did they dress themselves or have a nanny do it for them?! WHERE IS THEIR GODDAMN BABYSITTER?! Don't even get me STARTED on lack of manners!!

Lol at least if I'm contemplating beating people with frozen chicken giblets I'm not working out how to sneak a carving knife upstairs on my break. Misanthropy is one hell of a weird distraction.

/Rant >.<

*Squeal* To sidetrack myself, I just found a tasty-as powdered Chai tea mix that has UNDER 90 CALS A CUP!!! I couldn't believe it! 89cals a cup!!! *dies of joy overload* *Comes back to life as a brand-whore tea zombie* I love Chai tea, it just opens up a big cave of warm happy calm in me.

It's Arcadia Cafe-Style Chai tea. They have Spice and Vanilla. I got the Spice :p I'm gonna get the Vanilla next time. There are supposedly 12 20gram serves in a pack. Riiiight! If I'm feeling decadent after work tomorrow I may even make one up with some milk, for a bit of support to the flavouring. I'll sneak around to the dairy for some low-fat milk milk. The Boy only drinks full-cream farmhouse milk. Tasty, but 33cals for 1/4 cup! :( If I want low-fat stuff other than Yoghurt I get a grilling. Prick.

Still here, still rambling.

<3 you all!

Hello, Alice. Where are you running to?

I've been in a very bad head place today, bottom of the rabbit hole. I'm honestly surprised I'm still here blogging.

I had to cut the cardio segment of my physio program in half, coz I couldn't stop myself from crying.(My brain didn't get the planned raping with endorphins. Just a little foreplay, sod it) I did manage to make it to the changing rooms before bawling my eyes out.

I hate people seeing me cry.

Crying isn't like me.

I hung out with society people tonight, for the first time in weeks. I told Darryl that I want to resign leadership. I don't want the sodding job. I managed to use this gathering as an excuse to skip dinner, but I've been slowly eating those Pringles all afternoon (Sorry, Princess. I just couldn't bring myself to wreck them >.< I'm weak.) I can't say how much it means to me that people follow and comment on this blog. I love you all to bits. Seriously. When the thought of leaving the house makes me want to hide, or work makes me want to gut myself, coming home and finding out someone LOLed while reading this is just awesome. Thankyou for putting up with me, I know I'm not that ineresting. I do try.

My goal is to make it through to Monday. Just to survive. Mid-Semester break will be a time to seriously look after myself and sort my shit out. Find that white rabbit with his little watch and kick the living shit out of him. I'm going to have to go to the Doctor and sort out some options. I don't think a higher dosage will be worthwhile in the long term.

Some kick-ass music and an ass-kicking character to inspire. This is my fucking life, and I'll end it on my own damn terms.

Parents and an Antisocial Poem

I just got back from my parents. Charming people really. Dad cooked a venison risotto and Mum was so high she could forget the indefinable way in which I seem to disappoint her. I'd forgotten to check my oil and tyre pressure for about 3 months, so she could express distant horror at the thought my bike may have exploded under me instead.

In my bag upstairs are some Pringles and Tim Tams I bought for the sake of appearances last night. My night fill buddy would notice if I passed up old favourites for Whole Water and Braeburns.

They are taunting me.

I can almost hear them calling.

I want to feel that smooth sweet chocolate and sharp snappy saltiness in my mouth.

I want to gorge, fill the empty pit in my soul with pure sensory pleasure.

I won't. Let the venison sulk by itself.

I found something I'd forgotten scrawling in my sketchbook after work last Wednesday. Rather antisocial, but I felt like sharing it with the tubes. Poems don't have to rhyme, do they?

I'm tired of hiding.
I'm sick of pretending.
I don't want to know
All this.
I want it all to go away,
I want to give up and lie down.
Everyone leave me the fuck
ALONE.
Go away. Get far away.
I'm not fine.
I'm not gonna talk to you,
Don't fucking tough me!
Get away.
I want to self destruct
in peace and quiet.
(Bug me and I'll express this all over you before turning it back on myself)

It kinda sums up what I've been feeling recently regarding my arsehole brain and all the stress. Next week I'm gonna hop on my bike and cruise all they way out to central, or down the coast a bit. Need to let 100km/hr winds blow my mind into a better state. I wish I could take you some photos. I'll see if I can steal a camera before then. <3

A Mistake

I decided that the endorphin boost of exercise would help perk me up. Ah, you silly rabbit. I found the Goddess Bellydance workout, got the videos loaded and took my laptop upstairs to my room. I'm terrified of my flatmates catching me dancing or practising poi.

I parked the laptop on the dresser, so I could check my arm movements in the mirror and make sure I was getting them right.

Oh silly, silly rabbit. Such a bad idea

After 20mins of useless flailing about I decided that, as in anything, I'd better learn from a teacher who is in the same room as me.

I also learned that I still have a lot of fat on me, and it needs to go. Now. Fuck maintaining, GET IT OFF ME!!

I want to be a lean, mean fighting machine.

I want to be solid muscle and bone.

I want to be able to take on Pat and throw him easily.

I want to have to body of a gymnast, but keep my rack.

Tonight I'm going to force myself to go to club (Circus arts, juggling and firedancing) for the first time in a month. I'm gonna hug my friends and flirt with Miles.

Afterwards, I'm going to the gym, and I'm not gonna leave until they close.

Fuck you brain, you're gonna get the chemical ass-raping of a lifetime.

Lost

I'm sinking again.

Swirling down the drain.

All the warning signs, and I didn't stop to listen. Not sleeping, no desire for social contact of any kind, unwilling to leave the house where I at least feel safe. Passed them by on cruise control, not looking for the tree that I'm gonna run into. Ah, my rabbit hole to hell. I have not missed you one bit. You need to update the wall paper.

All the stress of university and work caught up with me. I didn't go to class today, and I'm usually the first one there are our society's table with a nice fresh cup of coffee and my headphones blasting.

I hauled my ass outta bed this morning when the neighbour and his son started having a screaming match on the other side of my bedroom wall. I was back in bed for a nana nap a few hours later. I never wanted to leave my bed. I just want to sleep forever. I wish it was possible. Right now I feel like I have too many obligations to just leave, but god I'm tired.

It's mid semester break next week. I'll do some hardcore vegetating then and see if it picks me up any. In the short time, I'm gonna pick up the poi I've been neglecting and try to work on putting something together for Breathe Me. Trying to climb that sodding mountain again, when all I want to do is lie down and rest.

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found. . .

Lazy

After an epic effort pulling the assignment out of my ass in under 2 hours this morning, I'm feeling lazy ^.^ I spent a good few hours in the garden and then killing things on PWI. It's back to the study again tomorrow. I kinda havn't been to classes for 2 weeks. . .

I LOVE Avatar: The Last Airbender. I have a guilty love of anime and children's shows, lol. This has to be one of my favourite AMVs of it.



Enjoy, and unleash your inner bitch on those who earned the right to fear your wrath!! (I'm looking at you, SBB :p )

Story Time 1

Nothing of note has really happened, besides some half-hearted attempts to finish my last due assignment. So I'm gonna tell a story. Since Ink has parked his ass beside me, I'm gonna ramble on about my pets ^.^

Up until this point, I've only had pet birds, and the occasional goldfish. I love budgies like nothing else on earth. My last one had an unidentified lung problem that meant I had to get her put down. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. She was coughing blood everywhere, in so much pain. She died in my hands. I was glad she stopped hurting. When you watch someone die like that, you keep waiting for the next breath, and it never comes. I buried her under a tree, where the birds she had yelling matches with used to sit. Poor bird, fly free.

After that, I decided I wouldn't keep another bird until I had my own place and could build an aviary.

I got Ink last year. Lol there's a lot of character to my rescue kitty.

This section has 3 connected units, and one unattached tiny house at the back. There was a guy living in the house, who seemed a bit off. Maybe it was coz we hardly saw him. About halfway through december last year we were woken up in the wee small hours of he night by the sound of breaking glass, to find Armed Offenders Squad guys all over the lawn, toting guns! (The cops in NZ only just got tasers. Cops with gun is a HUGE deal here)

They arrested him and took his partner off to women's refuge at 3am. Turns out they were druggies and she had a restraining order out against him (Dunno why she was staying with him!!)
They'd been having screaming domestics all day, and one of the neighbours called the cops when they saw him pull a knife on her (their kitchen windows face eachother). Armed Offenders turned up, because he has a history of being "Violent Psycho"

After work the next day, I asked our other neighbours if they'd seen anyone go and look after his cats. Nobody had, so I took in one of the kittens, and Dave took in the other kitten and the tomcat. The poor things had been half-starved, and Smudge (the tom) had been abused.

Ink was only 4 weeks or so when I got him, so until he was weaned properly he tried to drink milk out of ears, chins, hair, necks, beards, ANYTHING!!!! His favourite place to sleep was curled up in my hair, so he could wake me up at 3am to see if he could get milk >.< He still likes to knead my hair, and his favourite pillow at night is my ear. He purrs like a V8 engine!! His favourite game is to play fetch (Yes, fetch!) with a ball of paper, and he panics when I go to the loo or have a shower, meowing outside the door until I come out. When I get home, he is always at the door jumping up to greet me. A few months ago he had to have knee surgery. He had Flexating Patellas, so one day when I shoved him off my desk he landed wrong and dislocated both hind knees. I've never felt so small and disgusting in my entire life. Even remembering it makes me want to crawl over broken glass in penance. He was so happy when he came home after spending a week doped up recovering. He wouldn't let me put him down for 2 hours, lol. He went missing at one point, and turned up 2 weeks later 2.5km down the road at a flower shop beside one of the busiest sections of road in town *shudder* I'm so glad they found him! Those were the worst 2 weeks of my life. The only thought that stopped me from killing myself was "What if he comes home and I'm not here?" Hope hurts. It hurts like a bitch. Every time the phone goes or you look out the door it's a horrible rollercoaster up and crashing down. The only thing is to do everything you can, so there are no "What ifs?" to plague you. I can't say I never gave up, because I did. So many times. Ugh, he just yawned in my face. HORRIBLE FISH BREATH!!! When the hell did I give him fist last?! Well, that served no purpose besides procrastination. Don't think anyone would want to bother reading some badly expressed soppy pet stories. Even if it is about the best cat in my world.

Warped Headspace

>Isn't it always the way?

You try to restrict and everyone throws BBQs and keg parties, and when you want to maintain life fucks you up the ass so you can't make it to meals.

I decided yesterday that I wanted to maintain my lovely 61.9/62 weight for a while. I don't want to ring any alarm bells in people by losing too much too fast, and I want to enjoy this feeling of accomplishment for a while. I've lost 5kg since April. 5kg in 4 months. Not stunning, but not slouching either. It's been slow but it lets my body adjust to the loss so it STAYS THE FUCK OFF, thanks very much!

I spent yesterday afternoon munching on piles of fruit, like a happy little cow. (We have ripe kiwifruit!!! Yay!!) Feeling pleased with myself this morning I made my allotted breaktime snacks of fruit and sandwiches and poddled off to work. 8am rolls around and one of the butchery guys warns me that they've started ticketing worker's motorbikes if we park in the carpark. I've been parking there for well over 2 years with no problems so far. Sodding store manager says if I don't shift it during my 15min break, I'll have a $45 fine to deal with. Asshole. SO I spent my 15 driving around looking for a spare bike park, and missed my scheduled snack. Bitch.

When the Boy was out yesterday I tossed the remains of the rage-fuelled Chew'n'Spit binge I had on Wednesday night/Thursday morning. I was terrified of what swallowing any of that stuff would have done to my body, but man was it hard not to swallow the chocolate at first. Then there was this perverse pleasure in doing something so wantonly wasteful and destructive. Enjoying the taste and texture, and then cheating my stomach by spitting it out into the bin.

Fucked up? Oh god yes!

Felt good? Most definitely.

I'm calling in sick to work tomorrow. Gonna plead cramps. There is no way I can face another day dealing with customers in my current headspace. Things will get broken.

Have a beautiful Skinny Bitch weekend!

Exhaustion Sets In

Ok, now I've sat the midterm and taken some of my aggro out at the gym, I can actually sit down and put this all down with hope of coherency.

Story with the Boy
3 weeks ago I dumped him. Essentially cut the looser loose to fuck up his own life so I could be free and not miserable. It was going nowhere, and he was expecting me to put up with his temper tantrums, babysit him, run around cleaning up after him, pander to him, do all the cooking/washing etc in exchange for the occasional "I loves you" and no sex. Seriously, wtf?!

Then 1 week after that he comes home and starts going on about how he's given his phone number to some really hot new checkout chick who he was going to ask out for coffee. I was like "That's nice". Kinda pissed that after a 2 year long relationship it was that easy to get over me, but glad he was getting off his ass to shower more than once a week.

He's spent the last fortnight waiting for a text from her and trying to find her at work so he can ask her out for coffee.

She's started calling in sick, when Sundays are her only shift.

Wednesday night I agree to do an extra close shift to help the boss out (She works herself FAR too hard). It was only my 3rd close ever, and I was left with a list of instructions on how to calm my mentally retarded coworker down if she flipped out big time. GAH!!

About halfway through the night, the duty manager came over asking to have a few words with me after work. Jim is a good bloke, I figured he wanted to share some tales of his recent trip overseas.

He dragged me out into the middle of the carpark, and asked if I knew the Boy had given the checkout girl (I'll call her Gena) his phone number. I said yes. Jim didn't know I'd dumped the Boy. He was hoping we were still together and he'd done it behind my back. Here is why:

Jim said that Gena feels unsafe working at our store. She's abou to hand in her resignation!! She is really uncomfortable working with the Boy. He has been practically stalking her. Going through her checkout up to 5 times a shift, ALWAYS watching her. It's gotten to the point where if she looks up, he's there watching her. It seems all this started about when I dumped him. Gena's only 19, she's not wired to handle this kind of creepy bullshit!!

Ugh, that was just what I needed to hear after a stressful 6 hours. I was damn near ready to gut him.(Still am, to tell the truth) Problem is, it's not my fight. According to Jim, on Sunday Gena is going to tell the Boy to go fuck himself. If his behaviour continues they will issue him with an official warning. Terminate-your-employment-if-you-don't-stop kind of warning. He's gotten a few from when he was working nights and just didn't show up to work or walked out.

Now, what I figured I'm going to do is keep my mouth shut. If he says ANYTHING about it after work I will unleash hell on him. If not, I won't say anything. It's her problem to deal with directly, not mine.

I'm so disgusted with him. What I want to do is make him feel all my disappointment and her fear. I thought better of him. Fucking creep bastard.

Between that and the horrible test last night I'm ready to collapse. Fall over and sleep for a week. Problem is, I can't afford to. I just finished one of my essays, and I have another to research before I can start writing it.

Fuck I need a drink!

Livid.

I'm so fucking angry. I'm absolutely wild.

I can't even put it into words right now.

I need to calm the fuck down somehow or I WILL do someone serious damage.

Fuck I'm mad.

I wanna tear the bastard a new hole to shit out of. I wanna rip his arms off. I want to pull his teeth out and make him gargle acid.

I'm so angry and stressed I feel like I'm gonna chuck my guts up everywhere.

YOU USELESS SELF-CENTERED SACK OF CRAP. HOW DARE YOU ACT LIKE SUCK A PRICK?!

I thought better of him. Well I was obviously mistaken.

I'm gonna go punch a wall for a while. If I see blood flow and feel pain it should calm me down.

Fuck I'm angry.

I'm sorry about this, I'll explain tomorrow. When I can do more than rage and swear.

Fucking asshole bastard cocksucking wanker

Assorted Bag o' Rants

One tute down.

2 essays and a mid semester test to go.

They are ALL worth a significant portion of my final grade, and I cannot afford o fail any.

I've been ditching lectures and tutes to study, I even ditched the physio this morning!! I'll be making up for that by walking the 40mins of hills to class this arvo (it's a review class for he test, or I wouldn't be going) and doing a 6 hour shift at work tonight. The bus home drops me off about 20mins worth of hills from home, so hat's more calories burned for today.

FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On top of uni stress, the kitchen is DISGUSTING. On Saturday, the boy (My Ex) cooked tea, saying he couldn't be bothered doing dishes, and he'd do them Sunday before I cooked.

Sunday Night, 6pm: He's in the middle of an Instance on WoW, and I give up waiting and start doing tea in whatever clean pots I could find. It's now Wednesday, and there are next to no clean dishes in the house.

Last night he did EXACTLY what he'd need to cook with (To make his disgusting meat-oil and pasta concoction. I ate fuck all, that shit is so gross) and 2 of everything else. Bowls, cups, spoons, WHATEVER. He did the bare fucking minimum. AUGH!!!! Thank GOD I dumped him when I did. He's 25 and needs a fucking nursemaid. Or a mother. GRAH!!!!

I dunno about anyone else, but my kitchen HAS to be tidy. Comes from working in food handling 2 out of 5 years of employment, and having a really anal cooking teachers in inthermediate and high school. One of them would fail whole group if 1 person forgot to wash their hands, taste-tested while cooking or used the same knife and chopping board for meat and veges. If the kitchen isn't clean, I. AM. NOT. HAPPY. So, naturally the current situation is driving me up the wall. I can't wait to move out of here. If there was SOMEONE willing to move in and take my place on the lease I'd be so outta here.

On the bright side, all my worry has been relieved with just over 1kg of water weight lost in the last few days. Sodding period. Does that to me every month. So I can celebrate being 61.9kg (LOWEST WEIGHT EVER) and having a kitchen so nasty I don't want to eat anything that's been near it.

Fuck this shit, I'm gonna go work on test study. Chapters 1->4 and 6 of Macoreconomics 6th ED, by Able, Bernanke and Croushore. Bring it, bitch. You've got your maths, I've got my lighter. Guess who's gonna win?

What a feeling!!

Monday is a weigh day. Assess the damage Happy hour Fridays and after work weakness does to me. Grrr so I was up to 63 kg this morning. I'm kinda philosophical about it atm. I usually put on an assload of water weight before Irma comes a calling, and it disappears about a week later. Lol makes me feel soooo good watching the number drop that quick, but why cant it just stay away in the first place?!

My gym buddy ditched this morning, so I ended up prancing around my lounge for about an hour to youtube workout videos. Felt like a total prat, but I was back down to 62.5 after, so it musta done some good.

I was sooo good all day, coz I knew I was visiting the parentals after class tonight, and couldn't control the cooking. (I was good there too. Took 2 TINY bits of bread and spread about 2 cups of mutton sew on my plate so it looked like I'd taken more)

When I got to class today, I was on a massive adrenaline buzz from the workout and wearing some of the new clothes I bought the other day. I was feeling like a million bucks, since the last time I had new clothes was about 2 years ago. WELL there was one skinny chick in my tute this afternoon who spent the whole hour constantly redoing her lipgloss and giving me the most EVIL looks imaginable. She was made up to the nines with perfect hair and tricked out in the latest fashion trend, and she was jealous of ME?! What a feeling. What an amazing feeling. The skinny chick was jealous of a blubbery lump like me! It felt sooo good. This outfit must take off like 20 pounds or something!

God I wish I could bottle this and save it for later. Spray it on like perfume. Give it away on street corners. Put it in the water supply or turn it into amazing no-cal chocolate, made the authentic Belgian way.

Here's to a happier tomorrow, may we all wake up skinnier.

Yay work over for another week!!

First I'd like to thank K for her sheer awesomeness and for putting a link to deluxetemplates.net up ^.^ I had SO much fun browsing that site!! (and downloading WAY too many templates) Now I have things to fuck around with!! I can't work out how to get the date into the right spot. Those huge 'UNDEFINED' notes are bugging the living shit outta me, lol. I wanna put my photos back up, so I'm gonna be playing around a lot ^.^

Ugh, work was work. People showed up late, customers were assholes, and we had to pick up the slack in the seafood department coz someone decided to bugger off home early. Sigh. Lol all I could think about was getting home and fucking around on Blogger, even though I have nothing interesting to write about today.

I re-read the Krugman article last night, and I'm 1/2 way through that assignment. All I have to do is apply Solow analysis to the economic growth of Soviet Russia & the Asian Tigers. It's almost heartbreakingly simple. They threw all the resources they had into production. This made them grow extremely fast. Naturally, the amount of resources they had was finite, so when they had all they could put into production in there, their growth slowed down MASSIVELY. They didn't increase the efficiency with they used their stuff, so they couldn't keep growing, especially not at that rate. Lol, did that make any sense?

My gym buddy was been really crook the last 2 weeks with Flu (not swine, lol) and a sinus infection. Now she's better we can resume our gossip and cardio sessions, from tomorrow. Ugh, she makes me do cardio (My last fitness test sucked massive balls) so I unleash all the evil instilled into me by 3 years as a victim of the physio on her by making her do weights training. The right things. PROPERLY. ^.^

FINALLY I have an excuse to go work out every day again!!

Random Ramblings

Typical work day today. The night staff had done sweet fuck all, as usual. I hope they get some product bulked for me tonight, coz I can't handle 2 days this busy in a row. My shoulders are killing me!! (I work in a supermarket Deli, usually slicing the meats, oh joy. I am so unbelievably sick of the smell of ham)

I discovered that the article we have to analyse for the economics assignment is he same Krugman article we has a weeks worth of discussion on last year. Score!! Lol I could probably pull a 1st-year passing effort outta my ass right now, complete with vague Solow Growth Model references, but fuck it I'm gonna do it properly. I'm just so tired right now. I need to sleep more.

The boy cooked tonight, which meant mice cooked in oil with a can of tomatoes on pasta cooked in oil. And cheese, don't forget the cheese. All served up at 7:45pm, coz he was raiding with his guild on WoW. Fucking gamers.

I'm seriously starting to think I'm putting the wrong values into Fitday about what I do at work. I'm on my feet for 7 hours straight, (not counting breaks) running around like a mad thing carrying anywhere from 2-16kg. Wheee. Then there is serving customers, doing dishes and cleaning up. And wrapping hot chickens. The boss put on a cook of 40 this morning. I was looking at them wondering how on earth she thought we'd need that many, and wouldn't they be better used in a place that needs them? We take so much shit for granted.

The lumbering behemoth that is depression presented an insidious little arguement today. I want to get better; I'm sick to death of feeling like crap. I'm sick of wanting to die. I hate myself for some of the things I've thought of doing. Like cutting my cat's throat before I do my wrists, because I know he'd miss me like all hell. (This cat panics when I go to the loo and waits outside the bathroom while I shower. I'll tell his full story another day). God I love that cat. I feel so unbelievably small and disgusting for even considering doing that to him. I am willing to fight myself every step of the way back to sanity just for his sake. My friend's kids are all young enough to forget me as they grow up. My niece isn't even 2 yet. But aside from that morbid-as shit, (Sorry about that, btw. I'm just tired and mopey tonight) The argument was this:

You don't DESERVE to be happy.

That is honestly what I feel. (Damn I wish I hadn't finished the counselling sessions at the GP's. 6 isn't enough, I reckon.) I mean, I pull myself together, start trying to throw of the thought patterns and then think "Why on earth am I doing this? What makes me think I deserve to be happy? What have I done to prove I'm worth feeling good?" I think this is why I am using food to torture myself. I deserve the pain of constant hunger. Eating just enough to remain functional and not give myself away, but not enough to fully satisfy my stomach. It's not a visible a way to punish myself for whatever it is I think I've done wrong. Seriously, fuck my brain. With a rusty poleaxe and no lube.

There we go, another "Woe is me" whine from another pathetic loser polluting the Internet. If there was a physical avatar of mental illness, I would hunt that motherfucker down for some serious payback.

I'm gonna take my whiny emo ass off to icanhascheezburger.com and bed.

Kia kaha, peoples!

Sodding Hell!

I've just discovered that carb consumption and serotonin levels in the brain have a positive association. (What level of accuracy did they use on their tests? What size group did they use? Size, hah. n>20 or findings not valid, bitch.)

How in hell can I manage this and continue to loose weight? I'm on an SSRI for fuck sake! I need more of that happy chemical, not less! Fuck. I know that the maximum fat you can safely loose per week is .5 to 1kg. This is what I've been aiming for. (It will also keep the goons at the physio from jumping on me if I loose weight with that painful, healthy slowness)

Now my plan is shot to hell coz I LIKE the idea of being mentally healthy one day. It would be nice to experience that, even for a day. I have to be symptom free for 6 months to get off the damn meds. Current symptom-free day count: 3. Dammit.

Damn, shit, fuck and blast.

I'm heading back to find the bones of the wellness plan I was working on with Ivan (A Depression counsellor). Maybe I can resurrect that Franken-beast and sic it on my fucked up brain.

FUCK YOU brain. FUCK YOU.

Do you even WANT me to get better? Or just self destruct so you can laugh at me from your little chemical bath behind my eyes. Want your popcorn with salt or without you horrid little cretin.

I repeat; FUCK. YOU.

(Holy shit. I sound like such a schizoid psycho yelling at my own brain. I don't care. It's fun and feels good)

Grrr. . .

So Weird.

*Dies* People. . . Want to follow this blog?! You rule! Yes you so do! Don't give me that look!! ^.^ (Just messing with you, lol)

ANYway,

I had the weirdest feeling last night.

It was my turn to cook tea, so I did boiled spuds, (I ate none of those!) peas, carrots and chicken sausages. It was my backlash against the boy's cooking, which is uniformly mince cooked in oil on pasta cooked in oil, smothered in cheese. (He calls it bolognase. Wtf?! Last I heard spag bol mad more than 3 ingredients!) The sausages weren't bad as saussies go in the calorie stakes, so I ate a few since I hadn't had protein in a while.

About 20mins later I felt really weird. Like there was a rock in my belly. Then I realised what this feeling was.

I was full.

I had seriously forgotten what it was like to feel full. It was so strange. I seriously nearly freaked out before I worked out what it was. I'm just not used to feeling full any more!

I didn't get any study done because of that, but oh well ^.^ I'm getting through the lecture notes fairly well, and I have bunch of reading and summarising planned for tomorrow night after work. Good old essay assignments. At least one of them gives us the required article on a plate.

LOL Ex update: He came tearing downstairs all excited that he had a text message. Man was he PISSED when it was from Vodafone!! God, I'm enjoying this situation FAR too much! This gives me too much leeway to fuck with his head now. . .

Ugh, time to study. Enjoy your weekends!!

Consume with the eyes or it goes on your thighs

First off: OMG TWO COMMENTS!!! I love you guys!! *Hugs*

Right, so I don't drive myself around the twist entirely I only allow myself 2 weighing days a week, and GODDAMNIT I WAS UP TODAY EVEN THOUGH I HAVE BEEN SOOOOOO GOOD!!!!! Argh!! Lol 200 grams shouldn't be too much to worry about, but ffs I just got over the 64kg plateaux!!! *growls* I don't wanna go back up there again!!

I'm gonna book the physio tonight and tomorrow morning and THRASH myself. This must be delayed pizza revenge. Fucking Dominos and their evil pizza. I should just write on the fridge or phone "Consume with the eyes or it goes on your thighs." Cursed evil tasty pizza.

I may allow myself another weigh in tomorrow before the gym. Just to make SURE if it was water weight or pizza. I have an incentive now. I just went clothes shopping and got a really nice minidress that fits almost a little snugly. The looser it gets the happier I will be. Those love handles will feel my wrath and bolt in fear!!

Here's to the eradication of our lovehandles!!

A Good Day ^.^

Mmm today has been good.

I got my ass outta bed early for a blast at the gym/physio thing I go to (They call themselves a 'Musculo-Skeletal clinic *shrug*) I supersetted my program so I got through in 20mins to attack the cardio machines. Rawr!!!

I was home alone this afternoon, so I attacked some nasty housework bits (litterboxes=GROSS!! We have 2 cats in this flat and the territorial little bastards each need their own loo) which killed my desire for food nicely while I made a pile of low-cal soup to tide me over the next few days. Nobody sees what goes in it, so they can assume all the fat and grease they like, Muahahahaaa!!

I did end up eating some cookie-time bikkes this afternoon though. *bangs head on wall* A rather hot male friend (I'll call him Miles) brought over a whole BAG of broken bits straight from the damn factory. He knows I CANNOT resist them >.<>

The reason I'm not feeling bad about this, is because I got some delicious revenge on my Ex ^.^ He got home from work (we still flat together. Stupid I'm-a-broke-student reason) to see me and, um, Miles laughing our asses off and watching the end of Varekai. I broke up with the Ex about 2 weeks ago, and last week he gave his number to a "hot checkout chick" where we work.

. . . She still hasn't texted him!!! XD (I'm a vindictive bitch)

I'm gonna go heat a serving of that soup and study for that damn mid-semester test next week. Then squeak in some more exercise before bed. Today, atleast, has been good.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

Thanks to my fucked up brain I'm really screwed.

I have a tute for my Macroeconomics paper today. No big deal, I'm resitting this paper so I haven't been going to lectures (The lecturer's voice and mannerisms honestly make me want to stab people.). I've been doing the readings (LOVE Able and Bernanke, they really know their shit) and going over his slides instead.

Fuckwit me hasn't been going to tutes, has she?

Decides she'd better start today, doesn't she?

Today's hand-in question happens to be on the Solow Growth model.

Solved by algebra.

. . . FUCK!!!

I suck at maths. I hate maths with a passion. For the life of me, I can't make those damn numbers and letters give me he right answers. There is a logic and a sense to it, but my god damned brain just speak that sodding language.

I should have applied for consideration for the exam last year. I should have at least TRIED to answer that fucking 20-mark essay question. But no. I was still fucking adjusting to the meds so I didn't bloody think of that, did I?

I'm not going to repeat this paper. There is no way in HELL I'm going to have dealings with that lecturer for a 3rd time. I'd rather die. Dammit, I wanted to come out of Uni with a USEFUL degree (Read: Not a B.A!!)

I'd honestly rather kill myself in the most painful way I can think of than work at a supermarket for the rest of my life. (Maybe Seppuku? It's excruciating, apparently) That honestly seems to be where I'm heading. If I fail ECON202 this semester, I'm gonna have to settle for a fucking BA in Japanese with a marketing minor. That is essentially a death sentence job-wise in the current economic climate (Oh the irony! I can understand the theory but not the fucking maths you need to prove you get it!!)

I'm gonna try my best with the bloody hand in this week, and get extra help next week. I cant do this paper again. Maybe I can scrape some marks with the mid-semester test next week if I study my ass off, and that summary assignment we have due.

Speaking of which, I'm pretty sure I have a shitload of other assignments due in soon that I haven't started yet. Better go look at that.

Right now that miraculous 62.2kg on the scale this morning doesn't seem so comforting. Nor does my cat surviving attack by staffie unscathed give me as much joy. (It was his fault, he provokes her)

Why the hell am I trying to do this?

Growl

Ok, so the corset shop isn't open until tomorrow! Oh well. Another day of looking foward to it ^.-

Did a metric assload of housework to burn calories today. Acording to Fitday I'm still way low on the calories for today. (Booyah!) Lol I had a hungover binge on a WHOLE FUCKING DOMINOS PIZZA last night. That double bacon cheesburger pizza is my downfall. I'd had 2 bits of toast all day before that (ah, hangovers. Killing appetites since the invention of booze), then the greasies hit me hard just on dinner time. Growl. I didn't eat the crust, but that was still way too much.

I'm going to the gym straight after class tomorrow morning. Good old cup of coffee beforehand to hype me up ^.^ Ugh, I feel like such a pig. The flatmate is cooking tonight, and that means mince cooked in oil ontop of pasta cooked in oil. That means piles of fat. The protein isn't even worth it!!

Woooo!!!

Yeah monday!!! The lazy-ass banks are finally open so I can go pick up my corset! ^.^

I've been waiting for it to arrive for about 2 months now. They had to ORDER MY SIZE IN in the black brocade (I look like shit in red, and that was all they had in a 10) and it took them fucking FOREVER!

Ugh, yes I'm a size 10. With my hips being so wide I probably won't be able to get any skinnier in a corset sizing. But man, I can't tell you how good it felt when I tried the 12 on and it was too big ^.^ It makes my waist so damn tiny too!!!

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to town I go!

Ugh, I'm blogging.

I've made this place for me to bitch and flatter myself that people will read it. It's also a way of keeping track of the blogs that I read that I don't want my flatmates finding out about (for reasons that will become ovbvious later). Keeping the details for this filed in my head will be one hell of a lo easier than the URLs for a dozen different sites. ESPECIALLY with how my memory has been degrading the last few years >.<

Right, so. I'm 22 and clinically depressed. Medicated and still suicidal. I recently turned to food as a means of torturing myself, and obsession with my weight and fitness to bury my other issues in something that is straightfoward, atleast on the surface. This has been atlast partially sanctioned by my physio. I get a massage every 6-8 weeks, and with my healing time that rules out any form a self-mutilation as an escape.

I put on massive weight over the end of last year, so I was shoved on a healthy eating plan to slim down. Hmm, where did I go to get diet tips? Obviously to the Pro-Ana sites that are brayed about on the news every so often. Some of the tips were ludicrous, some seemed sensible. I lost the weight I'd gained. Back to normal, I wondered where to go from there. About this time I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. 2 years of serious dysfunction. Upon informing the physio of my successful weight loss, I was told he lowest I could safely go was 60kg. I'm now about 3kg away from that. This preoccupation has been a bandaid that I've used to avoid seeing the real problems underneath.

I'm not anorexic, I'm not bullimic. My mental disorder is of a different nature even though it has picked up some senery from those sections of hell.

Huh, that's a bit of a novel I've written >.>