*Gross Sobbing*

Had a great big vent about stress/anxiety shit to Kerys this morning.

Got made to do some stupid relaxation conditioning thing.

She thinks it will take me 9 weeks to master.

BITCH, PLEASE. I'VE BEEN SELECTIVELY ACTIVATING AND DEACTIVATING MUSCLE GROUPS ON COMMAND FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS.

Fucking GAME ON.

Don't see how it will help, unless I need to go limp on command.

PERI! POSSUM MODE, NOW!

POSSUM MODE ENGAGED, SIR!

Sigh.

My cold has receeded enough and I'm able to maintain a more stable blood-sugar now so I went out and pruned the grape vines this afternoon.

Never done it before.

According to all the sites I read you're supposed to take 90% of the new growth off. But these fuckers haven't been pruned in YEARS so I gave it my best. It was the last chance to prune them before spring really kicks in, so we'll know in a month or two if I've killed them or not.

I found the 2 rose bushes (Also in need of a dire prune) and some flower beds around the bottom. The grape vines are really old, well-established things so they should be able to withstand my learning period. I was kind worried that they were young things that would need coddling for a bit before I could let them fruit again :s

Imma do a photo-post soon and show you what it looks like there after I weed and tidy up my mess from today.

Basket-makers would have had a field day with what I cut off today!

Felt a lot better after the exercise of chopping and swearing and playing tug-of-war.

Not to self: Exercise and tidying good for mood.

Miles is out at a Circulation Festival fundraiser so I gad a vodka (bad peri) and watched the last 2 episodes fo Season 4 of Doctor Who.

Fucking crying.

WHY DOES THAT SHOW DO THAT TO MEEEEEEEEEEEE?

I'm entering the Moffat Years, so I'm not sure it will continue. I've heard the increased workload of being Showrunner marked a sharp decline in the show's quality and his writing ability.

Blargh.

Fuck I'm going to miss Donna.

If I ever say "Alright", you'll know what I mean, yeah?

~Peri

Parents and Vampires

Yesterday I enlisted Mum to make sure I went to get the blood test done.

Holy shit, they wanted 3 vials so they could do all the tests the GP wanted D:

Two immune things, anaemia, liver function, H.pylori, CBC and the bloody kitchen sink -.-

Cheers, take 3 vials from the hypotensive girl with a cold who hasn't been able to keep much down for the past 3 weeks.

It took 10mins or so with a pillow and a cup of water until I could stand up without passing out.

REALLY EMBARRASSING since I'd just told her I wasn't a fainter. Gah.

Today the Maternal Unit came round to attack our garden, since hers is pristine.

She weed-eatered the weird bits I couldn't get with the lawnmower and I hijacked her battery-powered leaf blower to blow grass clippings everywhere.

. . . And maybe or maybe not traumatise Dralion to keep her away from the weed eater and it's enticing halo of flying cat toys grass clippings.

Dad wants me to go to the Ranfurly Shield Match with him on Friday and come talk to the team with him afterwards so I can use my Japanese by talking to Tanaka.

Um . . shit.

Dunno if I can or should. Panic! Terror! and although it is technically my day off I'm still off work on a medical certificate until Monday.

Shit.

Mum and I were talking about our respective gym programs and I whined about the Day 2/Hahayou'refuckednow day of my latest program. I was sore for FOUR DAYS DAMMIT. She said that Youngest Bro had said to her that there's "not much left of me" and that I "don't need to do much more" regarding gym-stuff.

Seriously, stupidly effing proud of that. I have no idea how much I've lost since I saw him last, but it is the muscle gain VS fat loss that makes it look like I've lost more than I have.

I've been a good girl with this fucking Stress Stomach, I've been forcing myself to ingest enough calories to maintain my weight. Although, I'm getting kinda sick of chocolate milk now. AND honey in ALL my hot drinks.

Overload of sweet. Ick. The placebo effect and maybe early stages of randypoodle means I can have Miles' low-fat marge but cheese is still a bit much for my stomach.

*Gross sobbing*

Deprive me of coffee and cheese and I become intolerable.

Sorry, I'm rambling now. The inside of my head feels like a particle collider and I think that if I acn just distract hard enough all the bad things will go away.

Problem is, we know they don't.

~Peri

Hngh blargh

Ok. So.

Doctor this morning.

He was not impressed with how things have been going.

Seems this "Anxiety" thing has gotten out of control.

Dufuq? I didn't know I had that!

I have been given instructions to increase my Venlafaxine to 150mg/day and take a 300mg of Ranitidine to stop my stomach being so acidy.

I'm also off work until the 2nd of September and I have to go get a blood test tomorrow to make sure that:
1) My liver is still working OK
2) I haven't developed a systemic infection.

It turns out that there is a kind of gut bacteria that likes to fuck you up if it gets into your lungs, and I have likely aspirated a fair amount of acid and/or vomit in my sleep over the last fortnight.

Add that to the side-effects of the Ranitidine and the cold I've got and WOO FUN TIMES!

Haven't they worked out by now that I don't CARE if my organs shut down? Geeze louise! Oh well, I shall go and be vampirised to humour them.

Because I have to look like I'm engaging, don't I?

Engaging in self-care, not looking engaging as in looking attractive/interesting or looking like I'm getting engaged. Yikes, wouldn't that be a nightmare?!?

Coz Miles and I would totally do shit like this:

. . . Eeeyup. Best not risk it.

Omfg I should have stayed the fuck off Tumblr today. I'm being completely disgusted by Miley Cyclops dancing like a fucking 15y/o K-Sleeze Slapper all over some bloke in a Beetlejuice suit to the utterly fucking disgusting rape-condoning song "Blurred Lines".

Meh, Boy Band flashbacks shall hopefully overcome the trauma of that.

MONSTER SONG, PREE. WANNA WATCH THE MONSTER SONG!



I seriously used to babysit a kid who wouldn't go to sleep unless he'd watched that song at least SIX TIMES.

Remember, this was when VHS was still going strong. Rewind/repeat and all that happened to the tape after repeated abuse.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!

I need an antidote.

GlaDOS.to the rescue!



I'm pretty indifferent to Dubstep, but the video sold me on this one.

no no i'm totally not in denial-mode right now no not me

~Peri

Whiny Brat

No work today and none again tomorrow.

Doctor on Monday.

I feel weak and pathetic and lazy.

Since I've not been able to eat properly for 3 weeks and have had my throat and sinus constantly bathed in acid I've not gotten some sort of cold as well.

Fun times.

See, Peri? THIS is one of many, many reasons you do NOT want to start purposefully purging. Got it, dumbass?

Porridge is OK. Rice is OK. Gingernuts and ANZACs are OK.

Everything else (Including water, FML) is some degree of "problematic".

I would fucking MURDER for the ability to have a marmite&cheese sandwich right now. And a nice big syrupy Starbucks coffee. With a KO's Doughnut for afters.

I seriously stood at the doughnut display fridge in Coupland's the other day (I was getting lunch for Jaq and I, since she keeps kicking my ass I have to keep buying lunch) and sniffled because I couldn't eat any of it because it would spend the next 3-4 hours bathing the back of my throat with little vomity acid-burps.

Antacids stopped working some time last week. Gum helped a bit longer (The dribble washes the acid back down) but now strong flavours like mint send me to Heavesville.

I'm terrified that they'll call me upstairs to yell at me for being off work. That Store2IC will be able to use this as an excuse to fire me.

Weak, pathetic, stupid, lazy, gutless, spineless, inadequate, failure, coward, crybaby, fuckup, attention-seeker, soft, idiot.

I feel like everything is going wrong at once and I have to keep acting like it's fine because it is, really it is and the problem is with me because I just need to harden up and I'll be able to deal with it like everyone else can.

In case you can't tell, I love CinicallyDepressedPug. It's good for mindless scrolling and giggling when watching a documentary or knitting takes far too much brainpower.

Tomorrow if I can stand up without getting dizzy I might build a blanket fort to hide in.

~Peri

The staff meeting last night only took about an hour, and started with Store2IC talking to us for 30-40mins.

He used a lot of interesting rhetorical tools, What I deduced from the spiel was as follows:

• -MAJOR defensiveness about the staff situation. It isn't his fault, it's coming from The Gods of Noms'R'Us.
• -This is the new status quo. Therefore we are apparently NOT understaffed.
• -If we fuck up we won't hear it: AwesomeBoss and VonFishburger will.
• -Emphasis on how shitty the current job market is.
• -Claimed he was "too moral" to say "do your job or you're fired" like his higher-ups are supposedly doing to him but the threat remained.
• -Claiming we don't have the training budget available to train people in their new jobs. We have to do it on-the-job. (If when we find 5mins free.)
• -Said the department merger was his idea
• -It is our job to work out how the fuck things are supposed to happen now
• -Claims to have had meetings with all of us individually to discuss the merger. (Both Tanzania and I called him out on not talking to us. Witness diplomatic back-pedal to cover his ass)
• -He has a letter from a staff member saying he things we're lazy (Gee, I wonder who wrote that?) and he doesn't think that at all, but we need to work harder.
• -Admits being a creepy stalker, coming in to spy on our evening work patterns.
• -Said he would shout us morning tea (Woo $60? You're generous.) if we did the impossible and made this shit work for him.

Mate, I'm not a fucking mongrel you picked up at the SPCA. I don't sit up and beg for treats.

Jaq has told Awesomeboss about her being in the BewilderdHospital, and I filled her in on the rest after the meeting.

Jaq came round to play Magic yesterday arvo while Miles was at rehearsals and I introduced her to BiPolar Owl (Which had her in fits) and we played a few rounds of Graffiti Ante while sharing BrainSpaz stories.

Kinda sorta mighta admitted the comfort eating binges and the self harm and the suicide attempts, since we were sharing Fun With Side-Effects stories and I said I can't be sure if my memory is fucked up because of the sleep deprivation, the meds or the half-dozen or so suicide attempts with paracetamol that I never bothered to go to hospital for.

On the bright side, any liver damage makes me a really economical drinking buddy! Sort of a pity that with BiPolar and the tower of pills she has to take she can't/shouldn't drink alcohol.

Then of course with BrainSpaz and candy you don't need alcohol to get weird.

I had to ring the doctor today to try to get an appointment because the list of foods I am able to eat is down to porridge, tea and gingernuts and I'm really dizzy and shaky. The acid burps have done weird shit to my sinus while I was asleep and last night my heart was doing weird shit last night when I was trying to go to sleep with stopping and doing multiple beats. Freaky.

Fucking idiot I am I tried to get more calories in today with a slobber-worthy milkshake and spent the next 2 hours with a bucket glued to my side and unable to move because I wasn't sure what was going to happen. That was what tore it. Ugh.

There were no appointments so I talked to the nurse and gave her a brief list of what has been going on, pointing out that my uterus has done it's monthly renovations on time so I'm NOT up the stick.

She suggested it might be anxiety (WTF?!?) and that I should not go to work if I feel like arse.

I have a doctor appointment for Monday Morning and I'm psyching myself up to ring work and say I'm not going to be there tomorrow.

I know if I ring now it will be Chatterbox and she has been OK lately.

If I ring tomorrow it will be VonFishburger.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

I really don't know what to do. I feel so guilty for calling in, since I've been doing it once a fortnight for a while now.

I just can't handle it right now.

Last night didn't help, either. Now I'm terrified they'll fire me for being a lazy faker.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

~Peri

HI BIG BROTHER!

Wanna look at my internetz, Key?

I'll get started on drawing some tentacle porn for you. I'll be CCing it to all parliament and the GCSB so you can be absolutely sure you're not missing anything.

Wouldn't want you to feel like you're not doing your job, after all.

~Peri

Stress Rant [Unlisted Vlog]

Unlisted coz I half-said the name of the corporation that owns my fucking soul.



Right now I'm unable to can.

So much useless bullshit and drama beign manufactured by stupid gossip-mongers and retards in management.

Why is it that the guy with the ACTUAL intellectual handicap who pushes trolleys is a whole lot nicer and easier to get on with than the functional morons in management?!?

/facedesk

I feel indescribably filthy but I know I'm not actually dirty. I just feel like I'm covered in grease from head to toe.

Ugh.

Mum and Youngest Bro came though work today. Youngest Bro said I'm 'looking way skinnier" than when he left.

That made me feel very smug and proud when it shouldn't.

I'm actually very surprised that there is a visible difference. I can only see it in my face and sometimes in my arms.

I am so fucking sick and tired of being shaky and hyperventilating at work for no damn reason.

It's like my brain has latched on to a few certain people as being nastier velociraptors and as soon as I see them coming it starts pumping out adrenaline because it thinks I'm about to be used as a live lesson in vivisecting hominids with your toenails.

I'm so completely over feeling sick all the time and constantly having a sore throat and having to be careful with what I eat in case it comes back and not being sure if I'm about to hiccup, burp or powerchuck.

There isn't anything I can do to fix it.

The things that are causing the stress are beyond my control.

Spinning spinning spinning everything is too fast and loud and crazy and it just won't fucking stop.



~Peri

MASSIVE ANGRY FUCKING WORK POST

This is currently on the canned music at work. I find it hilariously appropriate.



Today was my Monday and it brought the Stress-Stomach back from where it retreated during my days off.

By lunchtime I was hiccuping acid, by my last break I was randomly heaving and unable to even look at water, let alone the coffee Miles bought me.

I got to work at 0802 to have VonFishburger waste 10mins by going about how I was "Almost on time - Good job" and how i need to work on it more because Store2IC is watching it etc etc.

I countered with asking VonFishburger  if he had asked AwesomeBoss about it (He has) and saying that she was aware of the situation and that I am working on it.

She told me to "Just set my alarm 15mins earlier", I told her that doesn't fucking work if you're on sleeping medication.

Everything was as OK as it can be when you're  at least one person short of what you need, until Polly started.

VonFishburger started on HER about the slicing last night when it WASN'T POLLY'S FAULT AND SHE HAS STILL LEFT US MORE BACKUP THAN WE NORMALLY GET ON A SATURDAY MORNING.

Polly was in tears within 5mins and spent the rest of the shift crying on and off.

Upper Management had to take her upstairs to try to get her calmed down.

It didn't work. Taking someone upstairs implies they're in BIG TROUBLE so they just freaked her out MORE.

Polly may not be the greatest Deli worker and nearly impossible to hold a sensible conversation with, but she is all-round lovely and NOBODY MAKES HER CRY OVER SHIT THAT ISN'T HER FAULT.

VonFishburger also pointed out to me that Store2IC threatened "Deli/Fish Team Meeting" is happening on Thursday night.

If they're not paying me, I'm taking my knitting and to hell with them. If I have to go on my own time, I'm occupying my hands my own damn way. I'll put down the needles if they pay me to do so.

About an hour before the end of my shift (An hour after I'm supposed to start doing the 'Out of Codes' which means checking the use-by dates of the prepacked cheese.meat and marking down anything with 2-7days left, pulling anything less than that.) I'm busy doing dishes and making coleslaw and serving customers when VonFishburger comes to ask if I'm going to start putting the delivery away now.

I said no, it's not my job. I haven't been trained to do it and I don't have a login code for the RF guns so I shouldn't even be doing it.

She said she thought it was my job because I had been doing it and asked whose job it was. I said it used to be Mr.T's -VFB butted in with "he's left the department- I said "I know, it's supposed to be the 2IC's job.

OH MAN did THAT piss her off.

She turned into a hilariously German-accented version of my Mum at her finest pitching a hissy fit.

VFB: "Fine den, vould you like to do za seafood sings while I put dat stuff avay?" *Falil* *Slam* *Stomp*

Me: *Bashes head repeatedly against wall*

She FLEW OFF THE FUCKING HANDLE before I could continue to explain and I gave up, since she was mid-spate on a fine tantrum and there was no way I could get through the fortresses of Language Barrier and Massive Hissyfit simultaneously when I was trying to force lunch to stay in.

So far as I am aware, using the RF guns isn't even in my job description. On Saturday arvos I'm supposed go check the use-by dates on the Meat Bar and Cheese Bar and keep an eye on the customers while Chatterbox slices product and Polly serves/does hot food and the Deli 2IC puts the delivery away and does the stock-related computerwork upstairs.

I'm going to ask AwesomeBoss about that tomorrow morning.

In the middle of this I got a text from Jaq complaining that she wasn't allowed unsupervised trips outside Bewilderd'sHospital any more because her Doctor doesn't think she's safe enough and she REALLY CRAVED RICE BALLS DAMMIT!!1!

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.

Sweety, you haven't been allowed an unsupervised cigarette break on hospital property for the last week.
Don't you remember needing your younger sister and her 6m/o to babysit you to keep you safe at your flat on Tuesday?
Do you recall threatening to commit suicide on Wednesday if they sent you home?

OF COURSE THEY DON'T THINK YOU'RE STABLE ENOUGH TO LEAVE THE PROPERTY WITHOUT SUPERVISION.

I have no idea how the Doctor's decision could POSSIBLY be surprising to her, unless she's tipping back out of the mixed episode straight into full delusional mania.

Or maybe she really IS that naive.

I'm getting so completely fed up with everything right now.

It's not fucking fair that I have to struggle and fight and every day is a war from start to finish and I don't get any credit at all for somehow continuing to function.

It's not fair that others get to die and I have to fucking STAY.

I'm incredibly jealous of Jaq being given immediate and intensive medical treatment after taking a few tablets when I have permanently rooted my memory and am unable to take paracetamol because of the number of attempts I have fucked up and survived.

Of course, when I went to Emergency Psych Services I only had to wait in A&E for 3mins, tops. She was there for HOURS.

I guess that's the difference between a severe condition that has recently onset and a chronic condition that has given you a long history of failed attempts, self harm and assorted other issues?

Fucked if I know.

A customer found out I was already a graduate and not a student today and told me to go to Teacher's College and study TESOL so I would have a contingency plan, because I "can't keep working in a supermarket and getting jaded" or something like that.

Does 55 thousand-odd words of bullshit about dragons count as a contingency plan?

I guess there have been worse ones.


I'm so fucking happy Millmandilly introduced me to MS MR

~Peri

Restaurants and Sugar and Toddlers, Oh My!

It was Dad's birthday yesterday.

True to form, Mum rang in the morning informing me that there was going to be a family dinner and Miles and I were expected to attend.

She wasn't any more than her usual level of Unbearable. Dad was good because he had his grandkids to muck about with and he could talk about his 1918 Harley to someone who cared.

Dropkick Bro seems to have been improved by his stint up north.

At least he FINALLY got rid of his horribly unkempt dreadlocks!

The nieces were awesome and their Mum seemed happy, but I don't know her very well.

I had 3 Black Russians and distracted myself from the thought of the normal cola in them by playing like and idiot with the youngest niece.

The oldest niece drew Miles and I the coolest picture of us in a house with a ginormous flower outside.

It seems that I wear high heels (BWAAAAHAHAHAHA) and have kitty-like ears on top of my head o.O

As of today I'm down to fortnightly therapy session with Kerys. She wasn't happy to hear about the Stress Stomach thing, but she reckons I'm ready for fortnightly.

I've been told that if anything happens I am to ring them and the Crisis Team immediately.

Considering the work stress I'm under and that two of my best mates could RageQuit life at any time I didn't take that advice lightly.

I have been posting on my Craft Blog. Put up Starshine's Birthday Socks and my Steampunked Bowler Hat. Go look at them because I'm too lazy to re-post that shit over here.

Editing Progress: Page 10/84

Can I go hide under the bed and not come out until my weekend? Pretty please?

~Peri

Where's My Fucking Tank?

I feel everything sucking down into whirlpool that nothing escapes from.

Trying to talk about how I am doing I run into a giant wall of silence.

If you're stuck in denial then you have nothing to talk about, because you're focusing so very hard on NOT looking at the problem and pretending it doesn't exist.

The stress-gut has removed anything spicy, fatty/oily and anything with caffeine from the list of foods I can eat with ease.

If it keeps up I'll be reduced to bland foods only in about 1.5 weeks.

So not fucking cool. I like stuff with FLAVOUR.

Lollies are still edible without acid consequences, but I'm sick of sweet things.

Called in sick to work yesterday morning because I was having difficulty keeping down half a cup of coffee and had Store2IC ring me to ask WHY I was off and if it had anything to do with an incident report I had to fill out on Monday night.

(Smashed my hand in between a loaded trolley and a 10kg ham. Bring your radar gun and we'll do calculations)

I lied used artistic license and told him that I had been up all night retching and had just power-chucked a mix of coffee, meds and porridge all over the bathroom. Then he went into a redundant explanation of the procedure to follow if my had had been the reason.

If that useless sack of crap tries to say he told me to get a medical certificate for Tuesday then I'll call him on his bullshit AND go get one that gives me time off work to deal with the crap that is stressing me out.

And guess what?

Because it will be for LESS THAN three days off and REQUESTED BY THE COMPANY then they have to pay the doctor's fees.

Yeah, so completely out of fucks to give about my workplace right now.

I went up to visit Jaq at the Dunners Bewildered Person's Hospital and the stories she told me of shit the staff say and do had me ready to carbomb the place.

There was a woman who was extremely suicidal and saying that she didn't want to leave her kids without a Mum so she'd kill them first THEN do herself.

She had walked out of the hospital earlier that day as she was recieving no kind of treatment at all whatsoever, just being held.

THE STAFF WERE LAUGHING AND JOKING ABOUT HAVING TOLD HER TO LEAVE IF SHE DIDN'T LIKE IT THERE.

The woman had threatened to not only take her own live, BUT THOSE OF HER CHILDREN AS WELL.

No fucking wonder the suicide rate is so high here.

We played a 4-way Magic game in one of the nice neat lounge rooms with Jaq's little sister and her partner. (Scry can do way better than him. Pity he's the father of her kid. Glad the wee ginger thing takes after Jaq's side of the family) Jaq was allowed out for dinner so we got Fish&Chips and had them at my place.

The Bewildered'sHospital sent Jaq home to her flat for the night last night, with her little sister there to try to stop her killing herself the instant she was out.

While she was home they packed up her stuff at the Hospital and gave her room to another person. When Jaq went back to the ward this morning as ordered she was told there was no room for her.

After Jaq'a family ripped into the staff and Jaq pointed out that they'd see her in EPS or the morgue by tomorrow if they booted her out in the state she's in they shifted her to another ward.

She lied about her current level of safety so they didn't put her in the locked ward where she wouldn't be able to have ciggy breaks.

In the few family-free conversation minutes we had at the Chippie she said right now it's the depression part of the BiPolar and the unwillingness to endure another relapse in either direction that makes her want to die.

I have the same kind of anger-envy that made me put down All Blacks Don't Cry before I threw it in the fire.

I HAVE NEVER FUCKING KNOWN WHAT IT IS LIKE TO NOT BE SUICIDALLY DEPRESSED.

I live with this shit in my head on a day-to-day basis. Hearing someone complain about having to go through it periodically infuriates me.

I love her to bits and I can sympathise with her situation, hearing platitudes from the ignorant staff up the hill who keep pointing out that "{Celebrity} has BiPolar and they still cope!" as well would be unhelpful in the extreme.

Her comments still get on my tits at times, though.

Jaq is still very new to the BrainSpaz game. She doesn't yet have the mental toughness or callus you need to endure long-term.

Hospitals and pills and therapy and soft white walls can't save you if there isn't something deep inside that wants to survive somehow, anyhow.

If you think that they really can reach in and save you despite yourself, you either become disillusioned or you die with that fantasy intact.

There is only so much they can do. No matter HOW good a professional is, you need to work as well.

You get stuck in sinksand and someone chucks you a rope. The tide is coming in and it will drown you if you don't escape. You have to at least try to reach out and grab the sodding rope so that you can be pulled out.

Staring at it and hoping doesn't get it into your hands or tied around your waist.

It really does depend on whether you want to or not. Whether you have the strength left to do it.

Sometimes it takes all the strength I have just to lie on the floor and resist the magnetic pull of the knife block.

Right now I'm OK with that. With not having killed myself yet.

It's a momentary thing, but I'm OK with that too. So long as I have a few minutes here and there of not wanting to die and preferring to watch cat videos I think I can survive for a bit.

Fucking terrified of what tomorrow will bring, but lets not think of that. Lets make tea and listen to music and dive back into editing. (I did 45mins yesterday. Where's my gold star sticker?)

UGH ok so Fish&Chips was a bad idea. Hotdog-acid-burps aren't nice.

They were fucking worth it though, our local Chippie is the SHIZ.

Enough procrastination. Time to edit.

~Peri

Ponponpon

Instead of the Black Swan coda, I've had THIS sodding genki-sugi piece of JPop stuck in my head for the last few days:



Cute, upbeat and catchy, but it is utterly inappropriate considering how I feel.

I'm not sure if I'm getting sick (Woo Fresher Flu. Fuck you all!) or I'm just tired from work and been burping so much acid from stress that it has burned my throat.

Eating anything that isn't bland gives me horrible acid-guts. I MISS GARLIC DAMMIT.

I think I'm losing weight, even if the scales aren't showing anything much yet. It's getting really uncomfortable to lie on my side, which pisses me off no end since Miles likes to cuddle me and scrunch me up into a ball and it gets really uncomfortable after a few minutes.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

OH SWEET FUCK I JUST CRUNCHED A PEPPERMINT THAT WASN'T AN ANTACID AND IT BURNS OH MY GODS MY THROAT IT BURNS WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THAT WHYYYY?!?!??!?!?

Geeze I'm so fucking smart -.- Do desperate for something that isn't BLAND AS FUCK I go and send a wave of peppermint fucking LAVA down my neck.

If I get any dumber we're gonna need a volunteer to come water me twice a week.

I got a text from Jaq last night saying she has lost the ability to tell fantasy from reality and is contemplating suicide rather than continuing to live with BiPolar, because she can't handle the thought of another hospitalisation (I think this one makes 4 in 12 months across 2 countries) and she can't see any other way out.

Right now she can't even have unsupervised ciggy breaks, even if she is still allowed to shower by herself.

I tried to offer a bit of hope, saying that this isn't the 1980s and it is entirely manageable if you keep a weather eyes on your symptoms and manage the fuck out of your triggers.

Damn I wish she could read Madness by Marya Hornbacher without being triggered. I go by the philosophy of "Learn from the mistakes of others, because you don't live long enough to make them all yourself" with the twist of "Don't waste time repeating others' mistakes; make shiny new ones so we learn more!"

I'm trying to wrap my head around what it must be like to have an adult-onset mental illness.

It must really fucking SUCK.

You grow up with a brain that behaves itself, taking it for granted that you will be able to do all the things normal people do. Have late nights out drinking, travel with impunity, raise a mess of kids, breeze on up the career ladder, retire early and watch cricket all day long if you are so inclined/

Instead, just when you've finished your schooling (Both mandatory and optional) and just begun your life of work and play, something throws a hidden switch in your brain and you are slammed with a madness that makes your life a living hell.

You're no longer swanning merrily across timezones, you're stuck with a chronic illness for which there is no cure and requires constant, consistent daily management otherwise you end up in hospital with no sharp objects, constant supervision and visiting hours 2-8pm on weekdays.

I've had depression living in my head for my entire life. I learned to more-or-less survive on my own until I got professional psychiatric help a year ago.

To me it is simply a fact of life: Manage your triggers and keep a weather-eye out for warning signs or pay the consequences.

I have no idea what it is like to suddenly be ripped from the realms of Relative Normalityville and suddenly dumped in the middle of BrainGlitch Spazzland.

Unfortunately I have had enough similar experiences with being thrust into Completely Foreign Territory to be completely sympathetic and a good provider of ears to vent into.

Shitty memory means I can usually hear the same stories over and over without getting too bored ^.^;

Why is everything such a mess right now? Ugh.

~Peri

Your brain is in another castle

I wrote this on Wednesday but for some reason I forgot to hit publish.

Lol, well you'll see why I forgot to hit publish. 'Tis more than a little embarrassing.

1-1.5 hours of sleep last night.

Unable to function as a human today.

Topped up the oil in my bike before going to the gym.

Forgot to put the cap back on the oil tank.

I was halfway down the driveway before I noticed the oil spraying out everywhere.

Had a fun mess to clean up.

It went EVERYWHERE.

Couldn't get all of it, it has soaked into the bricks of the house and I wasn't trusting myself to climb a ladder to get the tops of the windows.

It will be even more cringe-funny when I've slept.

After that I decided to stay off the roads until tomorrow morning at least.

Did two loads of washing and knitted some more dobby sock while watching Quiet room ni yôkoso instead of going to the gym.

Meh.

Crawl down into Denial-Mode and hope I never have to come back out for air.

Yeah -.-;

All I'll say about work today is Store2IC stayed the fuck away from me and VonFishburger made me do most of her Deli jobs so I'm fucking soooooore. By the time I got to the Tegel section of the delivery I was honestly grunting and growling like a pro wrestler to keep myself motivated.

SO GLAD everyone was out the front so nobody heard that.


They just heard me whining when I realised I'd missed 3 cartons of luncheon (12kg*3) and had to rotate the boxes of raw chickens. (8*Size14 or 7*size16 to a box. I was going to weigh some up for comparisons but there was a pile of stock on the floor scale)

Time to sleep. Hoping I'll be too stiff to work tomorrow.

My torso has been replaced with rubber bands and jerky.

~Peri

Life, But Not As We Know It

Three days of intensive distraction and denial.

Amazing Doctor Who dream that involved hilarious sassyness and an unfortunate number of chest-bursters. Imagine converting 70% of the internal volume of a 40-story highrise into a Matrix-come-Capsule-Hotel coma facility full of Xenomorph-infected people. . .

Pizza and Games Night and playing with Kaye and Steve's puppy (A 2m/o golden lab bitch called Flash) and spending a LOT of time with Photoshop.

Got my first pony tattoo commission.

Was paid Ingame currency. I don't mind, I can use that to pay someone else to renew my account.

I am REALLY not looking forward to work, but I'm trying not to think about it. Probably not a smart thing to do, I can feel panic bubbling beneath the surface.

Talking to Kerys today helped some. It was good to get reinforcement that I am not a fraud for not having anything visibly wrong/not being in hospital and that the Store2IC is full of shit.

The fucking hardest thing right now is telling my brain "That is not true" when it starts whispering to me, telling me that since I'm not superhuman or a time-manipulating magical girl I'm a worthless failure.

Miles is back, have to go.

~Peri

Stupid unlisted vlog of stupid

Trigger warnings for Self Harm and Eating Disorders.

Had an unbelievably shitty day.

Well, I guess it probably wasn't that shitty. I'm just being pathetic.

Too much stress and too many shitty things happening all at once.



Sorry for crying on you.

And now Jaq wants me to go in to visit her and play Magic after she's been complaining about wanting 'me-time' and how her family keeps visiting her.

I just don't even fucking know.

Hospitals terrify me, this one especially. What if my Uncle is still there? What if my family thinks I'm being admitted too? FUCK. They ranged and didn't talk to me for months when they found out I'd finally accepted medication for my brainspaz.

Maybe I should just let go completely and get admitted. They'd disown me and I'd be free of them FOREVER!

That is far too tempting.

I'm going to make a cup of tea and watch Alien Resurrection. Pull myself together before Miles gets home

~Peri

Oh. Bloody HELL.

Work today was so many kinds of awful I wasn't sure whether I wanted to start crying or throwing punches or walk out or turn everyone into pies.

AUGH FUCK.

I've had 8-9 hours sleep since Friday. Miles' snoring is getting worse and he started laughing IN HIS SLEEP and couldn't remember the dream to tell me what was so funny.

. . . Prat.

I've been texting Jaq while she was allowed her phone today, and it seems that they're keeping her in the mental hospital for an unspecified length of time since her BiPolar disorder has decided to grace her with a mixed episode.

Basically, a Mixed Episode=All the energy and impulsiveness of mania + the shitty shitty moods and self-opinion of depression.

She described the attempt as basically her brain deciding it was time to shut down, via overdose of her meds. (Impulsiveness and suicidal thoughts are NOT a good combo!) After she took the first few pills she said she sorta "snapped out of it" and rang for help.

So they're going to be keeping her in until she's out of the mixed episode.

Since she's on a fairly high strength tablet I hope the fucking morons at the DHB learn from this and dispense her meds weekly rather than monthly from now on -.- I don't want to go to 3 funerals in under 2 years, dammit!

Jaq said I'm one of 3 people outside of her family who know about it, which makes me feel a bit fuzzy on the inside.

What I've told Miles is that she's having a mixed episode and is in hospital until they can sort shit out. Not the WHY of her being admitted. Is hers to tell or not. Made it clear to him she doesn't want it made common knowledge.

Yeah, feeling ridiculously stressed at the moment.

I'm glad I'm back to my normal 1430-1900 Monday shift, but listening to Chatterbox whine about being "picked on" for FINALLY being taken to school by Management for being useless is going to drive me up the wall.

Two more shifts until my weekend. It can't come soon enough.

~Peri

Worst. Saturday. EVER.

-3-4 hours of sleep
-push-starting the van
-late to horrific shift at work
-SODDING FUCKING SOCK PATTERN BEING ALL WRONG

About to say FUCK YOU SATURDAY I QUIT and go to bed when I get a text from Jaq saying she's been admitted to the mental hospital because she started to OD on her meds but came to her senses after the first few pills.

Thought something was up but figured she was visiting her Mum who lives down south.

Everything is a muddle. Don't know what to do/think/feel.

Plink, plink, plink. Feel things falling away but I don't know what they are.

Going to support her, coz that's what mates do.

I need to take Big!Agnes and go hide in a blanket fort, but I have to act like a normal person for at least the next 24hrs.

Why does bad shit always arrive in swarms?

~Peri

Hmmm

I have found the theme song of my life:



Portsmouth Sinfonia, swapping instruments for the fuck of it. Awesome.

The appointment with Kerys this week was fairy uneventful. Talked about things that fed positive self-beliefs, things that fed negative self-beliefs.

She said I seemed to be making pretty good progress with all this therapising stuff. She said that at the start I seemed fairly blank and said "I don't know" a lot, and when I knew what to say a lot of it was negative. Now I'm able to find more positive things to say.

I can because she has forced me to look for them.

On a scale of 0-100, I'd say I now only like myself about 45-50%.

Not fucking bad.

Not bad at all considering it used to be a big fat 0 of "Please annihilate me now kthnx".

Of course, sleep has not improved at all.

Work in progress, yeah?

Problem-solving regarding things that don't help the brain is improving, which is unfortunately one of the first things to back up and run off when Teh Sadz come knocking. Rigid thinking SUCKS and it makes me panic because I can't see any other options and I dislike being crammed into corners.

Next week we're going to talk about going down to fortnightly sessions. Woo.

This shit is going to be with me forever, but therapy won't. Get me to a point where I'm able to manage by myself and I'm strong enough to stay out of the rabbit hole and not end up in A&E.

I'm terrified of being left on my own with a lifetime's habit of warped thinking being much more entrenched than the new patterns that have been introduced by a year of de-spazzing talks.

I know they won't just hiff me into the ocean to see how I do, but since when does RATIONALITY and LOGIC have a very loud voice when the spaz hijacks your brain?

Yep it's about that, ay

-.-;

I'm making less sense than usual. Definitely time for bed.

~Peri

Fucking Hell

Today I found one of the most HILARIOUS product-placements I have ever seen.

In the energy drink section of the shelving bays assigned to 'Lifestyle Drinks' there was a new product.

A "Relaxation Drink".

Yup, in the energy drink section.

It was on sale, and I bought it to try.

Has the same active ingredient as sleepy tea (Valerian) but it tastes better. Basically it's fizzy water, sugar, citric acid and unspecified amounts of assorted herb juices and flavours.

Meh, I prefer the tea. It's weird to be drinking fizzy drink this late at night.

Sleep is still erratic. I've still been getting things done in the garden and craft-wise.

Leaving the house and/or dealing with people is problematic.

Yesterday I had a mini-meltdown over ringing the pharmacy so I could go and pick up my meds.

Fucking. Pathetic.

Jaq knows I've been wobbly, and since she needs distracting too she decided we were going to have a M:TG playdate.

She came round here to kick my sorry ass so I couldn't wriggle out of it. It was nice to interact for a bit, even if I did lose three games in a row. My Graffiti Ante deck SUCKS. And now it has 'Pubic Lice of Doom' to go with the 'Instant Engorgement', 'Catburger' and 'Goblin Furry' that were already in there -.-;

MHS in the morning. I have this intense urge to go hide in the bottom of the garden and pretend it's not happening.

Oh. . . and dAMMIT TEMPEST LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!

I have very little impulse control right now, as you can tell. And Miles bought expensive bread. Oops.


~A mildly ashamed Peri