Envy

The skinny girls at University make me feel sick.

I'm eaten up by a jealous, green-eyes monster who sinks long manicured claws into my stomach and makes me regret anything I've allowed to pass my lips in the last day.

I begin involuntarily gagging if I've eaten within the last 3 hours.

They glide past on long, slim legs with the whole of Africa visible between their thighs while I cringe and hide myself under long skirts and baggy Tshirts.

I want to quote Flyleaf at Miles:

"How can you look at me, when I can't stand myself?

I feel so nasty and awful. Wal's healthy dinner of poached blue cod on steamed vegetables makes me feel unspeakably disgusting as it exits my stomach and begins it's travels through my small intestine. I want to flush it out and make myself empty and pure, but I am listening to SBB and Odie and trying to cut the habit I've been in during the last week of downing that sodding laxie powder every night.

"All my efforts to clean me leave me putrid and filthy"

~Peri

The World Aflame

A pall of smoke covers the city.

I saw this fire start yesterday afternoon when I was joyriding through Mosgiel. It looked like a tiny scrub-burnoff.

Last night it was only 20Ha.

Today it is over 700.

This kind of thing isn't supposed to happen here! We aren't supposed to wake up to an asthmatic's nightmare of white smoke in the morning. We are supposed to bitch about the rain, not have the prefect conditions for an inferno.

It is after midnight (Hello, Thursday) and it still hasn't rained yet. It is hot and smoky outside.

I feel like I'm in Australia during bushfire season.

Tomorrow I have to be out and about, so I will go armed with my camera to get you some shots of the fluffy plume of smoke that heads out to sea. You can tell when it runs amok by the changes in colour. Paler with steam when they contain it, darker and browner when it finds fresh ground.

I'm about to take some laxies to abort this foodbaby and go to bed. Tonight my longing for sanity is superseded only by a longing for rain.

~Peri

P.S Thankyou for the comments on my last post. Tweedle Evil was pissed that she couldn't remove the smile you guys put on my face <3

Oh Fuck YEAH!!!

57.2kg!!!!!

Lowest EVER!!!!!!!!

See!!

(You're gonna need to right-click and open that sucker in a new tab)

OFFICIALLY UNDERWEIGHT! (At least, until I stick a coffee in my system -.- I love my roasted beans, but WHY can't they magically weigh nothing in my stomach? SHUT UP NEWTON I DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE PHYSICS)

This will be ruined for tomorrow by the food I need to fuel myself with for work, but it gives me hope and gives a rewards for my last 2 days of depression-induced starvation and laxie torture.

Having the Winter Olympics on TV while you sweat through the cardio in 30+ heat in fucking inspirational. I can make believe I am in Canada, where hot guys in Lycra condoms stroll around for my perving pleasure.

Lol, I just told Dolly that the .5kg she lost last week came to me with interest.

Muahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Looked in the mirror an my tummy was FLAT and my hipbones were prominently visible, accentuated by bruises from the reverse-leg-strike machine.

Oh god, why can't it always be like this?

~Peri

Fragile

The first par of yesterday will be covered by copy/paste from the Friends forum of PI. I wrote this when I had a lot more spunk than I do now.

"Grrrr this week is horrible. I'm gonna rant then go cry in the corner.
I did my course approval last week so I could go down to University first thing this morning and get my ID card. (I'm a 4th year student. I'm not an idiot)
After walking to Otago University on one of the hottest mornings we've had all year, I got there to see a very long line. 'Great.' I think 'I'll be able to have a nice long sit-down and crank out the Ipod and sketchbook while I wait'
I'm about to get in line when some officious jerk wearing an OUSA fluro vest comes over and tells me to go away and come back when I 'Really need' my ID card.
Um, excuse me? I just walked for an hour to be told to come back later? I NEED this card TODAY to convince the bank, my boss, the bus company, the textbook shop and various other organisations around town that I AM STILL STUDYING THIS YEAR.
I walked home to find that I can't hang my washing out, since the peg basket fell into the neighbour's back yard and they aren't home so I can't go and get it.
NOW the Internet is stuffing up and takes 40mins to load a page. We have an unlimited plan so either my flatmate has left downloads running while he went to work, or someone has cracked the password for our wireless. This has put a s-e-r-i-o-u-s crimp in my contesting for today D:< (Oh, here's a nice piece of irony. The 'slow' version of Google Maps took half an hour to load *facepalm*) If you made it through all that, have some ginger crunch and a nice cold glass of coke. I'm gonna go take my frustration to WoW before heading back into town for ID Card Round 2." Later on that night. . . "*Sigh* It turns out my flatmate has chewed up 2/3 of our Internet with downloading, so we are back down to dial-up speed until next month, when he will resume his downloading. I tried explaining that we can go to a different plan that lets him download every night and NOT use up our cap, but he likes the current situation coz he gets his movies and games NOW and not after a few nights. Common courtesy has run off with common decency, it seems. Thank you for the sympathy, guys. It really helps *hugs everyone and refreshes the snacks*" They also conveniently forgot that I was going to meet them at 21:15, as we had agreed the previous day, to do the food shopping. I got to the supermarket at 21:00 and waited half an hour for them, getting increasingly worried by the drunk people running around and Dolly not answering her phone. Jaq told me she'd seen them go shopping at 20:20, so I got a ride home from the Duty Manager at 21:30, since neither of them would JUST LET ME WALK. Yup, Wal and Dolly forgot and left me standing there freaking out. I got brushed off with 'Oh, sorry. We wondered why we didn't have your money". They wouldn't tell me how much they spent when I asked so I could work out how much I owed them. I just got a rant about how much they hate that supermarket. This morning it was 'Oh, you owe us $XX for last night, and the pies the other day"

PIES I DID NOT EAT BECAUSE I DON'T SODDING EAT PIES.

I'm going to find the receipts and work out 1/3 of what I did use and leave that money split into 2 piles. There is no way in HELL I am going to set up a payment into a flat food account now. Not if I am going to be paying for their fucking meals.

For some reason Dolly thinks that if I'm not in hospital I'm fine. I told her I'm not retarded enough to do anything obvious that would attract enough attention to land me in hospital. Hence not purgeing=no heart attack. No cutting=no marks=no suspicion. Starving isn't obvious unless you are skeletal. Nobody pays attention when you re-open scabs. Hitting your head leaves no marks if you are careful. Stabbing a pen into your hand can be covered by armwarmers until the marks fade.

Yeah, guys. I'm fine. Just peachy. You got any panadol? I have a headache.

Seriously, its amazing how oblivious people can be when you are fighting every single suspicious, mistrustful cell of your being to broadcast even the most pathetic whimper for help.

That whimper is a scream. Some people can't even get out a squeak.

I am allowing myself 2 slices of toast before my cardio workout, and a banana afterwards. That is all for today besides coffee and diet coke. This pain is all I deserve.

It is a lovely day outside, so I will go to the beach and paddle in the waves. Try to forget for a while.

~Peri

*Gag*

Ugh, this laxie powder is nasty.

It tastes like bad liquorish and smells worse.

I can't help but retch, even when I want it coming out the OTHER end, kthnx.

Red Seal, I think I like your teas much better than your laxatives.

~Peri

Welcome To My Rollercoaster Nightmare

The last few day have been a rollercoaster, with ended with me bailing and taking a mental health day off from work today. Let me begin with Friday, since I am having difficulty putting anything further back than that into coherent perspective. Grab a cuppa and a cushion, this could take a while.



Friday,
On Friday I went down to University to get course approval out of the way. 45mins in line for International Business, an hour and a quarter for the SINGLE BLOODY MATH PAPER I am taking so I pass ECON202 this year. After all that I took one look at the line for the ID cards, and decided to come back on Monday morning just before they opened (I needed to charge my Ipod, the battery took a massive hammering from 2 hours of loud music and Solitaire) -Frustrated-
Friday night Miles too me to the opening night of Conjugal Rites at the Fortune Theatre.
God I felt weird. I was in a DRESS, wearing JEWELLERY, a PRETTY JACKET, badgeless and wearing shoes that weren't sturdy or sensible or in any way designed for cross-country hikes. It just wasn't me! I'd had dinner after a day of fasting so my belly looked 3 months pregnant in the dress I was wearing. -Bummed-
The play was HYSTERICAL!! Rodger Hall is a GOD! His plays are works of purest genius, and the actors were sublime. The play did bring back bad memories of my relationship with The (EX) Boy, and there were a few reminders of living with my parents and watching their relationship troubles, but the characters handled it with humour and humanity, and the ending was very sweet.
I had mixed feelings when I went to bed, but nothing I couldn't handle. -Meh-



Saturday,
Now this is where things start to get . . . interesting
I didn't have time before I went to work to put the saddlebags on my bike to carry the food shop home in, so I left them on the couch for Wal' to grab when he came to meet me after work to acquire flat consumables. Fscking bike wouldn't start *cries* -Stressed, Upset-
So I was late for work, despite my resolution to be on time from now on. The boss hassled me, I explained about the bike trouble, and got on with my day. -Meh-
When Jaq clocked in a few hours before the end of my shift, she told me that her overdose of party pills last week had been deliberate. That threw me. That really threw me. The rest of my shift was spent trying to process that, and dreading the KAOS AGM that was on that evening.
After work I met Wal, an told him I had to be at Milo's to sort out the KAOS AGM in 1.5 hours. He hadn't thought to grab the saddlebags from the couch (Dolly had thought he'd figure it out too *Facepalm*) so food shopping was postponed until Monday. -Extremely Upset-
I got home and got the crying and hitting-head-against-wall part of my breakdown out of the way but combining it with a 30min shower. -Breaking Noises-
I tried to beg out of most of the AGM and the party afterward, but Milo got so upset that I went. Thank GOD I am no longer Dictator. The two who fucked me over didn't show up (One of whom is the treasurer) so there will be interesting times ahead.
After the AGM, it was time to avoid BBQ food and get smashed. Milo made excellent punch in a 10litre paint bucket and I drank an assload of it. Got very pleasantly drunk and was in a better mood by the time I went home. -Hammered-


Today
A mental health day form work. I don't care WHO I piss off, I need time to hide and sort this shit inside NOW. I don't want to drag this awful feeling on for weeks, I want to feel less broken inside.
I have been pottering in the garden since it is sunny and waiting for Wal to get out of the kitchen (he is making his amazing Ginger Crunch) so I can clean it. Tonight will be a very early night after I punish myself with some laxies.

I'm just so confused and tired. Dreading the start of the new University Year.

I should go read your blogs. I have a lot to catch up on <3

~Peri

Food Porn

Because I just can't stop thinking about it. I am obsessed. I fantasize, moment to moment, day by day, about all those delicious things I will not allow myself to eat.








Oh god I want it. I want it so much. I can almost taste them. Feel the candy crunching between my teeth, the chocolate melt on my tongue. I am so glad that I am too broke this week to go down to the chocolate shop in the mall and go on a massive candy binge. The make amazing fudge. No shit, they even make Toblerone fudge!!

I'm gonna drool over pictures of cakes for a while, and cross my fingers that I can get out of cooking tea tonight. I managed to ditch the frittata (Spelling?) my flatmate made for tea last night. I got home really late and chucked it in a bin omw to the gym today while they were at their summer school exam. Hopefully Wal gets really baked when he goes to get his weed and grabs chips for himself on his way home.

Love,
~Peri

Country Music and Cattle Wormers

Last night Miles kidnapped me to take me to a gig (concert) down in Port. This gig was 3 country/western chicks (2 Kiwi and one 'Kiwican', which is apparently a Kiwi-Canadian) performing for his boss's birthday.

I'm not into country, but the guitar was good and the vocals were outstanding! It was also seriously inspirational. I was surrounded by middle-aged women, all with pointy chins, tiny legs, chiselled cheekbones and jaw lines. Not a hint of jowl-flab in sight. Miles' boss was hammered, but she is a cute drunk. You know, the kind of cute drunk where you just wanna pat them on the head and take them home for a tea party with fairy bread and lemon tea. She told Miles "She's beautiful, you've done well". What can I say? Beer goggles suit me! 0.0

I woke up this morning snuggling into a nice warm back, trying to work out the calories in a whole roast chicken eaten with instant mashed spuds (potatoes) and whipped cream, before realising that it was just a nightmare and it was safe to go back to sleep.

Tonight was 6 more hours of fucked-up work. Tweedlerum and I closed early again since Jaq is still off sick. She accidentally poisoned herself with party pills on the weekend, and spent 2 days vomiting so much she literally couldn't move. I don't know why people touch that shit. Sure, it's legal, but the manufacturers are held to no regulations or standards whatsoever regarding the quality of their product!! Shit, pretty much the only rule there is is 'No BZP' (BZP is a cattle wormer that used to be a popular ingredient in party pills here)

Ok, I need to go sleep now. I saw a chick walk past in a strapless black minidress at work. Since I'm sleep deprived and saw her out of the corner of my eye, I could swear to GOD that she was walking past naked, with a big black censor bar over her. In fact, the only reason I gave her a second glance was because I wondered what the hell they were doing censoring shit in real life.

Lol, you can watch my brain fall apart in real time. You can even get replays and a blow-by-blow analysis if you go over it with a Psych major as a side project.

Oooooh shiiiiiit. Course approval on Friday! :( *Throws a tanty* Don't WANNA!!!!

Ok, sleepeh tyme nao! Have an awesome night!

~Peri

Wage Slave=Boring

I got an extra 7 hours yesterday, Woop woop.

Honestly, the less said about the time I'm clocked in at work, the better. It just sucks BALLS. By the time I was halfway through my shift last night I wanted to stab people to death with plastic forks. What got me through was planning my haircut next week. I'm gonna get layers in the front, bleach the hell outta it and then go blue-purple :D

I got home last night to find that Wal' had randomly defragged my laptop, since he heard me bitching at it for being slow :D Sadly, Dolly had cooked some satay chicken (my weakness) and sat there watching me push it around until I gave in and ate. That meant I was 59kg exactly this morning, and not 58.~, which I was hoping for. Fuck I could kill something right now.

I've been having the weirdest ED dreams lately. Like Dolly and I bingeing on this disgustingly massive chocolate cake. Pouring dishwashing liquid all over the contents of the fridge so it is inedible. Crying and shoving a toothbrush down my throat coz I was somehow back up to 64kg.

Fuck this shit, I'm off to the gym.

~Peri

St. Valentine, Metal Tiger

A Valentine for you, Dear Reader.

No matter where you are, who you are or what you are doing, I love you so very, very much.







Love and devotion,
~PeriAdot

I hope you weren't forced to eat too much shitty sawdust candy and waxy chocolate yesterday! D:

This also begins the year of the metal tiger, 2010.




Wishing you strength, joy and love for the following year lovelies!

~Peri

FML

Today has been almost pure unadulterated SHIT. What follows this statement will be a bunch of petty, pathetic, woe-is-me whining. If you do not wish to subject yourself to it, fuck off and read something more interesting while I vent some spleen.

(Might I suggest QC or LFG?)

Right, on with this bitchfest.

This morning I had to get up at 6am after 4 hours of sleep to go to work. Crawl out of bed, look at unbearably cute sleepy Miles lying all invitingly across my bed, turn away and head resolutely to bathroom.

Climb on scale.

59.5KG WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?!?!

Have minor heart attack, pray to god it is the result of last night's undigested meal still passing slowly through my intestine, and pop some metamucil caps on my way to prepare for work.

I clocked in 30mins late, since I had to walk in the pissing rain. Sneezing your way to work slows you down.

We sent someone home at 10:30 since he started randomly vomiting (Oh! Can I catch that please?) and we could get someone to cover the rest of his shift.

I picked up my bike from he Warrant of Fitness place (which made my break take 45mins instead of 30. NOT. GOOD.) in the pissing rain, so now my head and throat hurts. If I get sick when I've just started going back to the gym, I'll hide in my room and cry for a few days.


SO. Long story short:
-I'm a FATFATFAT heffalump
-Weather was shit
-Work was shit
-I'm getting crook


Oh yeah, my fudge didn't set so we have to eat it with spoons. Yay me.

Chinese New Year's celebrations with Miles planned tomorrow night. Can I be skinny for Metal Tiger? Please? I'll settle for being under 59 again.

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAPPENED!?!?

Ok, that was a shitty post. Now to pretend to enjoy the Macaroni Cheese Wal made for tea.

~Peri the Rhino

Fs%#ing Supermarkets!!

Good news and bad.

58.8kg WHAT THE FUCK?!? Oh, right. Had a full meal for dinner last night and no sodding apples. Hellooooooooo Metamucil tablets. *Omnomnom*

(That, naturally, is the bad news. Here is the good)

Miles went op-shopping for a performance costumes yesterday (He found the most deliciously ugly bright yellow shirt and dark green trousers) and found a pair of black pants with holes down the side for me. Guess what size ladies?

8

Yup, I fit (snugly) a pair of size eight pants. Admittedly, it is a Warehouse 8, which is a trifle larger than the rest of the clothing shops around (all the shops here seem to have their own sizing), but is it still an 8.

This time last year I was in a 14.

Suck on that, Slagathor!!

I made a double batch of homemade Russian Fudge. I got so pissed off at the flatmate's inefficiency at the supermarket today I'm hoping she gets stoned and scoffs it. It is essentially milk, sugar and butter afterall. (God I'm a bitch, and I love it) Seriously, know what you want, go in, get it, get out. Don't spend all day dithering!!!

My flatmates really need nicknames. I think Wal (was D) and Dolly (Was L) will be easy enough to remember. (Miles' flatmates, S&P, will henceforth be known as Milo and Otis respectively. I loved that movie and I love those two to bits)


[PI rant Warning, feel free to skip this paragraph]
Oh FFS! PonyIsland keeps fucking up which has caused me to lose most of my favourite ponies to contesting deaths in the last day, including my 'Ana-Pony' of the bright red hair. I'll post a pic of her in all her pretty jewellery when I resurrect her. D:< I am NOT. HAPPY. [/rant]


Ugh, there is a BBQ tonight so I need to get diet coke. The more of that I drink, the less room there will be for the fucking burgers I split with Dolly for.

I'm feeling boring and altogether not tame today. I want to run away where it is silent and empty and quite devoid of human life. There was a warning on my can of sweetened condensed milk for the fudge that said "Not suitable as a whole milk food for infants"

What the hell does that say about us as a species?






Excuse me while I go daydream about empty mountain ranges and storm-lashed oceans.

~Peri

For The Love Of. . .

WHO ate all my sodding apples?!

You know, the ones I've been living on with my diet coke, muesli and cold salted baked beans for the last week and a half?

Oh, that's right. I DID.

Grumblemumblewantabloodyapple

Must leave house in 15mins for walk to gym.

Must make fudge for flat tonight.

Must practise counter-clockwise split shoulder reels so I stop whacking myself in the head.

Must not go mental and eat the contents on the cookie jar, inclusive of crumbs, and proceed to stuff myself to the gills on home-made Russian fudge.

BOB the BIN-GER

CAN WE EAT IT?

BOB the BIN-GER

NO. WE. CAN'T.

Yeah, that made no sense.

~Peri

P.S Fixed it!

Shoot Me

I was 57.8kg this morning.

Freaked out when I went to post a letter so I came straight back home and spent the day munching on the goddamn bikkies and goddamn candy.

WHAT THE HELL, PERI? WHAT THE HELL.

Fuck I'm a gross bitch. How can Miles stand to touch me?

My mouth tastes all sweet and nasty. I think I may go for a walk down to the beach if I can handle leaving the house tonight.

Gym tomorrow.

It can't come soon enough.

~Peri

P.S
God I wish this was me. Gorgeous feral mountain witch subverting your complacent flocks.

Of Cattle, Cleaning and Candy

I feel disgustingly accomplished.

Washed and waxed my bike, cardio at the gym. I even walked to and from since it's along the flat (That is a HUGE thing in Dunners!!) but I only did 40mins of the hour it said on my program, since some middle-ages cattlebeast in a purple Tshirt kept hopping on the machine I'd booked on the wall. (You write your name on the whiteboard in the timeslot you want beside the machine you want. SOME cattlebeasts are obviously illiterate) Growl.

I fully don't believe the followers tab down there. Surely it lies when it says 52? You could knock me over with a feather! Completely shocked and amazed. You are awesome. Yes, you! Don't you shake your head at me!

Oh shit, it just started raining. That's what I get for not covering my bike earlier and putting it off. Maybe I can go sit under the tree and watch the rain bead up and run off my nice wax job? *Sigh*

I have some (more) bad news. My favourite watering hole, the one I went to on Friday afternoons last year, is closing down in the 13th. I'm gonna wear mourning garb there this Friday. They will revamp and reopen, most likely to appeal to the silly wine-drinking cheese-and-antipasto-snacking upper class gits who should really just bugger off back to Auckland.

Ok, my flatmate just filled up the cookie and lolly jars, so I'd better skedaddle to Miles' before I have a bingefest that nullifies how good I've been so far today.

Pineapple lumps will be the death of me, I swear.

~Peri

Guess Who's Back, Back Again

Peri's back.

With a pen. (?!)

Gotta love random Eminem quotes when you're feeling spunky, right?

NO idea what was wrong with my computer, but it is now back in my loving arms (Since Miles is at work)


My weight is all over the sodding place, which is driving me up the wall. I have INSANE new goals set at the gym by one of the trainers during my re-evaluation. I told him I wanted to start increasing strength for Acrobalance and Silks. (Oh MAN do I wanna learn those!)

Sadly this means I have to EAT more, to fuel myself for the workouts (which will be insane) and recovery/muscle building aferwards.

Twisted masochistic bitch, I am.

I got just over halfway through my blogroll from the top-down before my laptop died, so now I'm working bottom-up and commenting as I go XD It's sunny as hell outside, and I'm in here witht he door open knitting and reading blogs. Why? I'm out of goddamn antihistamines and in here I'm closer to a fresh hanky (Handkerchief). Plus there is a massive hole in the ozone layer right over me, the burn time is about 11mins, and I'm a pale-skinned daughter of a scot and a readhead. I burn without even thinking about it.

Valentines day is coming up. What the hell do people do for Valentines day? Especially when you have to spend all day at sodding work?! *Dies of confusion* Miles was gonna get me a microfiber cloth for polishing my bike. I don't think he gets that cheesecloth is the ONLY thing to use when waxing a motorbike!!

Oh fuck, have to book the gym for tomorrow. Didn't make it this morning because Jaq picked me up to go look at Persian kittens for her Mum's birthday. (She is getting a blue-point boy. I fell in love with a red-point male and a tabby tortoiseshell female that already has a home in Auckland)

Oh hell, my brain is AWOL. Too many chocolate coated coffee beans on an empty stomach. My attention span is down the shitter.

Have an awesome night! See you again tomorrow, with any luck! :D

~Peri

Wouldn't Ya Bloody Know!!

Wouldn't ya know!

Wouldn't you just bloody know it!!

This morning I tried to boot my laptop to finish catching up on Blogger before getting into my day.

MY SODDING LAPTOP DIED!!!

RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHH!!!!!

I'm borrowing D's while he is at work (With permission! :p) My laptop is waiting at Dad's place for his mate to pick it up and look at it, so I have no idea how long it will take to fix it.

Srsly!! Wtf?!? Does someone up there hate me for being nice to the bible-pushers at the door yesterday? 0.0 (I was very polite and only mildly arguementative. I do have issues with people trying to push their own interpretation of God onto others)

So. Lost my eftpos card, got another $NZ105 ontop of my current debt load (Courtesy of the physio), laptop died. Sigh. Today blows. On the bright side I have an extra shift tomorrow night, it was sunny again today, and Dad filled my tank for me so I have a full tank of gas.

My scale is SERIOUSLY fucking with my head. Was 58.6kg yesterday, did a liquid day and was 57.8 this morning! Buh? Was that water weight or food weight or fat weight or WHAT!?!?? This next few weeks liquid days will become MUCH more frequent, since I must make a virtue of necessity and spend fucktons less on food. I still need fuel for work breaks so I don't turn into a raging monster or nibble on all the insanely high-cal salami roll ends/roast beef ends/luncheon ends/chicken scraps/roast pork ends. . . You get the picture >.< If it would go in the bin, we can occasionally sneak a nibble. (Bad bad bad bad BAD!) To me 200cal sandwich is less evil than 500+cal of meaty nibbles in a 2 hour period Comment Replies, since I'm not up-to-date on your happenings and don't want to read a random post and leap to conclusions with half info :) SBB: Hell YEAH you can join in!! Lol I'll post a pic of me in the dress when my laptop is back. The world can behold my podgy puku! XD I'll catch up with you as soon as I can, bunny!

Mina: I wish my laptop hadn't crapped out! I miss you!!! I'm glad I could help you be a bit more positive *hugs* You think I'M tell? Miles is 195cm, no shit. He makes me feel like a midget!!

I am so unbelievably pissed off right now> I think I shall scrape together some couch-cushion coinage and go get some diet coke to mix with my vodka >:(

Have a good night, and BEHAVE YOURSELF!! I don't want to have MORE drama to catch up on :p As for me, I'm back to the gym on Friday morning. *Sigh*

Eeeew the sunburn on my boobs from Wellington is peeling. GROSS!!!)

Stay gorgeous!

~Peri

No More Apologies

I'm very glad you likes the pictures. I want to post one of me in the pretty dress Talia made me buy, but my puku sticks out too much, lol. I love it because:
a)It comes all the way down to my ankles, instead of stopping 4 inches above them
b)IT'S A FREAKIN SMALL!!!!

Well, well.

My holiday wasn't as damaging as I feared it would be, what with the Cookie Time Factory and all those stops for McCoffee. 59.4kg. I was afraid I'd be over 60 again. Why the HELL did I waste precious shopping money on McCoffee when the AA has free 'Driver Reviver' hot drink places dotted all up the main road? Because I am an idiot. That's why! It sounded too good to be true, but it wasn't. Stupid Peri. Next time whore the living hell outta the free stuff!!!1!

I am fighting with myself right now. I want to lose weight, perfect myself. I know I can. Jaq's goal is to lose 50kg by her 21st Bday (In October) That will put her down to the mid 60's. A nice healthy weight for her height (And she will look freakin' HOT!!) That makes ME want to lose 50kg. That would be, um, (59.2-50=9.2kg) completely ridiculous. My skeleton probably weighs more than that!!

Talia told me what it was like being hospitalised here, with the joys of tube feeding and being shoved in mental institutions with detoxing P (Methamphetamine) addicts. She's been 'locked up' 3 times. The first time she learned how to be eating disordered, the second time how to self harm, that last time taught her she couldn't be fucked going back in. Lol, Ashburn said 'See you in 4 months', Talia said 'Screw you' and pulled herself up out of the hole.

I want to be strong like that. I don't want to go into a psych hospital. Not like my uncle. I don't want to be fucked in the head my whole life. I want to be off my meds by the end of the year, even though looking at it now it seems like a really bad idea. (I just have a bad feeling about it)

On he other hand I want to dive into the madness. Stop pretending and show everyone just how screwed up I am. Get really fucked up and maybe finally get some decent help. Does decent help exist anywhere on earth? I know that recovery from a mental issue is next to impossible if you aren't determined to help yourself. (Ex. The Boy, Talia for some opposites in the willingness-to-recover spectrum) I am, but I want a helping hand from the outside. Bloody hell.

I really don't know. Lol the funny thing is, it's a gorgeous day outside, I spent last night at Miles' house (1 month!) and I'm in a really good mood. So why am I planning FFF, doing a liquid day and contemplating such morbid crap? (And WHY can nobody on PI spell 'reindeer?!?')


So Psychcentral quiz results, courtesy of Kemper and Yummy secrets. (Note: My official diagnosis is Clinical Depression)

Results of your
Quick Depression Quiz

You scored a total of 8

Normal (<--Sweet holy tits of Venus!! I've always wanted to hear this!!) Congratulations! You've answered this quick depression quiz in a manner that suggests that while you may occasionally be experiencing some depressive symptoms from time to time, you're not likely to be suffering a major depressive episode at present. Most people experience depressive feelings from time to time in their lives -- this is normal and expected. If, however, you are experiencing depressive symptoms strongly enough that they are interferring with your daily life functioning, you are strongly advised to consult a trained mental health professional for further consultation. Only a mental health professional will be able to make a real and valid diagnosis. S C O R E S If you scored... You may have... 30 & up Severe depression 20 - 29 Moderate to severe 10 - 19 Mild to moderate 0 - 9 None to mild Results of your Mania Quiz

You scored a total of 68 (<--This is me going by how I feel, compared to 'normal' I.E Depressed) You appear to be severely manic from your responses to this self-report questionnaire. You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional immediately. S C O R E S If you scored...You may have... 54 & up Severe mania 36 - 53 Moderate/severe mania 22 - 35 Mild to moderate mania 18 - 21 Borderline mania 10 - 17 Possible mild mania (hypomania) 0 - 9 No mania likely Results of your
Bipolar Quiz
You scored a total of 45

Based upon your responses to this bipolar disorder quiz, you appear to be suffering from moderate to severe symptoms associated with a bipolar disorder. People who have answered similarly to you typically qualify for a diagnosis of Bipolar I Disorder and have sought professional treatment for this disorder. (You may, however, still fit into the less serious diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder.)

You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, if would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional soon to rule out a possible depressive disorder.

S C O R E S
If you scored... You may have...
51 & up Bipolar disorder - Serious symptoms
36 - 50 Bipolar disorder - Moderate to severe symptoms
25 - 35 Bipolar disorder likely
16 - 24 Either a mild bipolar disorder (II) or depressive disorder
10 - 15 Possible depressive disorder
0 - 9 No disorder likely


Hell, you've been reading this blog. You've seen me go from rock bottom to sky-high over the last few months. Hoo boy, fun times ahead! I'm in an ass-kicking mood right now. Warning you NOW that I refuse to apologise for being myself at all this year. Fuck that shit. I'm me and you're just gonna have to deal with it, sweetums :p

Today I made the huge step of throwing my little thinspo book and the magazines to be chopped up for it into the rubbish bin. This is step one in the 'Stay at 58 or move down to 54' decision. 58kg keeps me just on the healthy side of underweight, whereas 54kg puts me at at BMI of 17.1 (Yup, I can be classed Anorexic at 118lbs. I'm a tall bitch) Ohhh I love how Fitday adjusts your BMR as you lose AND tell you the ideal restriction to reach your goal weight by certain dates! *dies*

SO, my Fat Free February guidelines. This is to break my addiction to having standard milk in my coffee and get my ass back into shape. A month of teh fat-free options.
1) If you get something, so for the low/no fat or sugar option. (Soda, Milk, etc)
2) Gym 4 times a week
3) At least one day a week of nothing but liquid intake
4) DON'T FORGET YOUR VITAMINS!!
5) No Maccas, pizza or fish'n'chips
6) Lose atleat 1kg (3lbs) by March

That, for me, is do-able. Dunno what anyone else would want to add. *Shrug*

Since I've been super-productive today I think I'm gonna go watch a movie. Have a good night!

~Peri