Joyous Beltane!!

Or Samhain/Halloween/Whatever :p

I just got back from visiting my mate.

Multiple cups of coffee were involved, and I was remarkably restrained in the fact of Tim Tams. I "Slammed" 2 (Bite ends off, suck coffee through it, scoff it down before it disintegrates) And hid one in the bin when she was out of the room.

Managed to use friend visit to avoid cooking tea.

Up until then my day was shit. Got 3 hours sleep (Not that my current level of hyper allows me to feel fatigued in any way). The Boy's cat pissed all over my backpack, work as busy and we are out of a lot of stock (Sweet, less to count on Stocktake Sunday, tomorrow), and when I got home my kitty has DESTROYED my lovely crimson-red daisy and left dirt all over the floor and my bed. Grrrr NOT happy.

Coffee solves all.

I'm gonna go jump around and burn off some of this caffeine buzz so I can maybe get 5 hours sleep tonight.

I have a Psych Lady appointment for Tuesday Arvo. I'm scared. How can I not fuck this up and end up with no help?? *Thrashes*

Oh, you HAVE to see This, if you haven't already. I was introduced to this phenomenon today. Very entertaining. Our cops rule. (And yup, that is a kiwi accent.)

Love you!! Have an amazing Halloween night!!

And remember, blow on the pie or it will irradiate your mouth! D:

~Caffeinated Peri

Pass The Hypocrisy Please, It's a Long Post.

SBB, you're gonna be proud of me.

I rang the psych lady today, and left a message for her to ring me back.

Oh god I was shaking afterwards, I'm such a wimp *lol*

Hmm, someone was teasing my 15yr old cousin about her weight the other day, and she put it on her Facebook. You DON'T fuck with my family or my mates. So I got all angry-bear-bitch. This is a copy-paste of the status update and ensuing convo, with names edited, of course.

Cousin: GRRRRRRRRRRR..... IM NOT F***ING AOREXIC LUKE!!!!1 LEARN WAT SKINNY IS AND THEN LEARN IM NOT THAT!!

Peri: There's an eating disorder clinic up the road from my place. Want me to book the bastard in for a week so he can see what REAL anorexics look like? It ain't pretty!!

Cousin: i love you cuzzie lol....lamo

Cousin: lmao**

Peri: Lol it's what I'm here for, right? XD


Cousin: yip total even tho he was joaxn but hay well send him there anyway lol


Bitch: hey peri it not nice 2 call my son a bastard....so i suggest u dont hun....!!!!!!!!!


Peri: Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that he was born out of wedlock! ♥
I've had 2 good friends end up in hospital because of eating disorders and ANYONE who teases someone based on weight in our society that idolizes skeletal people needs a good hard wake up call.
Watching someone starve themselves to death isn't pretty, and it's bloody awful when you don't know if you aren't getting replies to your texts because they've been caught in disordered behaviour and lost phone privileges or finally died.

Cousin: i was joaxn with luke he said i was too skinny and needed to eat more haha dw bout it lol all done and dusted

Peri: Indeedles *Passes out candies*

Cousin: ok lol.....

Oh dear god, I feel like such a hypocrite for this. Damn but it felt so GOOD to turn around and blast that bitch!! Watching Talia slide down through ED hell and get kicked out of practically all the ED wards and clinics in the country was one of the most horrible experiences in my life. Right up there with watching Grandpa die. It makes me feel guilty as all hell for using hunger to torture myself, but if I didn't I'd be taking the spare blades out of my bosses craft knife and slicing pretty patterns into my skin on break.

I HAVE, however managed to get my grubby mitts on a camera!! Of course, my room is dark and nasty so the pictures don't look all that shit hot, but hey! I actually did it! I hate pictures of myself, so I held the camera in front of my face. Hah! Take that camera!

OMFG I hate photobucket!! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!

ANYway, here is the Minus 20lb outfit (And my M:TG fatpack stuff of the wall. NERD!!)



And my new outfit (God I just realised how bad I look. Must. Go. Back. To. Gym.)


Finally, a bad shot of my collarbones. Since my hipbones are playing hide-and-go-seek with my fat puku. Sodding chocolate.


I'm gonna go hide my head in the sand for a while now.

Have a sexy skinny weekend!! STAY AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!!!

~Peri who wishes she was more Photogenic, but alas isn't a slinky pretty feline

One Again I Dissappoint

There have been camera issues.

Therefore, no fashion show.

AAAAHHHHHHH THIS IS REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF!! I really like the belt!! I want you to see the belt!! AND how many safety pins I need to hold up the pants from my minus-20-pounds outfit now :D Ladies, I am OFFICIALLY a size 10.

About bloody time, too.

The mate who lent me the camera (Not Jaq's) forgot to bring the USB cable, and there is NO WAY IN HELL I want her loading pics of my fat ass onto her comp. *Sigh*

I handed in 6 peggy squares at Knitworld. They had a massive box full of woolly goodness ready to be sent to Samoa to keep people warm. Go Dunedin!! We kick ass at the knitting!! Now I can get back to my niece's scarf ^.^

I'm reading through Yummy's Blog, and this post mad made me decide to make a Blue and Light Pink woven anklet/bracelet. It will be a way to carry a reminder that there are people who understand and give a crap when I'm tempted to do something monumentally stupid. (Like sneak a knife upstairs on my break or accelerate my bike into the sea) Mostly blue, with one thread of light pink to acknowledge the new monster scratching at the door.

DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!!!

My kitty has his new collar. He lost the last one outside. I think he got hooked up on the neighbour's side of the hedge and the safety clip snapped. Lol I'd rather be down $30 for new tag and collar ensemble than be kitty-less. His new one is red, with a red bell and white love hearts. It looks more distinguished on a boy cat than their pastel pinks or the yellow which was the only other choices *Shudder*

I should go do some blog reading, since I've done no study today *Whistles*

Tomorrow, I promise.

Love you!!

~Peri, who has somehow forgotten the Art of Sleeping

Girl Failure

I'm a fucking failure.

No willpower.

I went downstairs to make my cup of coffee this morning. Came back upstairs to have the leftover chocolate and Pringles from my C&S stare at me from across the room. The chocolate was flirting like a hardened whore, determined to get her John. Batting it's mascaraed eyelashes, lifting her skirt. The vulgar slut whispered. . .

"You know you want me. I'm so luscious and creamy, I'll melt on your tongue. And this filling? It's crunchy and caramely. You cannot resist. EAT MEEEEE!!!"

"No! No! Resist!" I thought "I mustn't, I shouldn't, I WON'T EAT THAT CHOCOLATE!!!

The fat girl inside me replied with "Oh come on! You know you're gonna eat it! Don't make me laugh. Open your mouth and shove it in you fat pig."

I ate the fucking chocolate.

8 Squares of fail, first thing in the morning. Oh joy.

I stuck to liquids afterwards. Fuck, if I'm gonna give in to chocolate first thing, I'm sure as HELL not giving in to a lesser evil later on.

As usual, I broke my fast at dinner by having toast with my soup so as not to twig The Boy to what I'm doing. He was already suspicious from me refusing chocolate bikkies (Cookies) earlier on. To convince him I'm not deathlly ill I had the toast, a few tiny-arse ANZAC bikkies at 70cals each (I had 4) and 50grams of dried apricots. There, not suspicious any more are you?

Not since I polished of the Pringles too.

Thank GOD I only left 1.5 serves in the tube. Why the fuck didn't I just toss them out like a sensible person?!

Fucking weak-spined bitch. Grow a pair, would you?!

For some good news today, Irma's bloaty-weight is almost all gone. I was 57.8kg this morning!! Lol my Fitday weight graph shows an almost constant down-slide since my bloaty-weight peaked a few days ago. Now I'm almost back to where I was. Now I need to face the scary beast that is maintaining. Hi-ho, hi-ho, back to the gym I go!!

I can also juggle. I passed the qualifying number of throws-and-catches several times tonight. I've been stalled at 4 for so bloody long!! I'm so looking forward to Circulation Festival in November :D I'm trying to get the Sunday off work so I can justify buying a ticket. They ARE a little expensive for someone planning a roadtrip north, license sit, haircut and boots purchases. And my income is gonna halve in a month when my Student loan payments stop. It's either a second job or the Student Hardship benefit for me.

I have the new clothes. I'll post pics tomorrow when I'm not looking like a drowned rat.

Listening to Nine Inch Nails, ignoring the kitchen.

It's at times like this I wonder why the hell I'm doing this to myself. And then I remember.

I deserve the pain.

(That is so fucked up)

~Weak Peri who gives in to the harlot that is chocolate

*Boing*

Thankyou thankyou THANKYOU Minaralou, Wry, SBB for your kinds words and thoughts that swayed the cruel vicissitudes of fate in my favour this morning. There was a question on each possible subject!! :D

I answered:
-One asking us to explain, with specific examples, how Seppuku became one of the defining elements of modern Japanese Culture, despite the fact the the Samurai class was abolished in the late 1800s. (1872? Don't quote me on that one)
And
-Explain what techniques/tools the Meiji Nation Builders used when creating a "Modern Japanese Culture" and an "Imaginary Nation" (Or something to that effect)
About 2 pages each, used all the examples I could drag out of my brain. I even spent 12mins brainstorming to make sure I got everything and it seemed coherent to me, at least.

I'm kinda confident (at the moment) that I passed. Pleaseohpleaseohplease a C! I'm not asking for anything more, just a pass. I know I did crappily this year, I know I don't deserve high enough grades for an exchange trip, just please let me pass.

Fuck I love watching Irma's bloaty-weight disappear like a popped balloon. 58.2kg this morning. Wheee!! Lol, coffee on an empty stomach helps move things through the gut too. *Remembers laxie mistake and shudders* Tomorrow is Wednesday, so another day of liquid fasting this week. Gonna hit the gym again on Thursday. Physio gym, since Jaq (Gym Buddy) still isn't over her flu yet *Hugs Jaq*

Woooot!!!! I get to pick up my new outfit tomorrow!! I'm gonna borrow Jaq's camera so I can post pics ^.^ Lols maybe the outfit can be my SSPO reward instead of togs? . . . NAH!! I'm gonna need togs if I stop at Hanmer Springs omw to Wellington for ACDC.

A picture, then. Since I'm bouncy and happy and can't think of anything else worth writing.
This is the second Mimic I got, of Overlooked Angel. She looks like a thundercloud <3
I feel like such a child ^.^

I'm going to listen to Nightwish and look for pretty inspiring pictures for tomorrow. I'm fully enjoying the hell out of this designated study-free evening. (I never study straight after an exam. Give the brain some time to rest.

Have a sexy skinny night!

~Perky Peri

See My Middle Finger, Rabbit Hole? I Ain't Gonna Play.

Bleh, so part of that 2kg was Irma sending me a present of bloating. Ta, bitch.

I was 58.8kg this morning, but I liquid fasted anyway. Boy didn't cook, and since I didn't even C&S today, I had 2 slices of toast to dip in my soup, and an apple for dessert to settle my guts. They started making the weirdest noises, lol.

I feel like I've had a pool floaty stuck around my middle and filled with warm water or something. I'm crossing my fingers that I don't wake up with cramps of doom tonight.

Mum dropped off some stuff today. Told me that Grandpa is really sick. Something to do with his blood that she can't remember. What happens to the blood of old diabetic people? Fuck I hope he pulls through. I couldn't stand losing him. Not him, not now. He is the last relative in this city who I think is somewhat sane and actually gives a shit about me. Dad had to go round to help him have a bath. Oh fuck.

I mentioned exams and instantly got the "So how long do you have left?" WTF? This ain't a race bitch. What's with the pressure? I'm trying to do my fucking best and actually GET a degree! Don't see anyone in YOUR family with one!! Get off my back, alright? Go smoke a joint or something.

I discovered that one of my favourite songs is a trigger for Teh Mopes. :( *Deletes from playlist* I'll try listening to it again when I've got a better handle on things. I do know I don't want to live like this any more. What kind of a live is it if you spend most of it plotting how best to end it?

I'm trying not to think about the exam tomorrow. I'm more underprepared than I've ever been in my life. Example: I only found where the lecturer had secreted the lecture slides today.
2 essays; 6 possible subjects.
-The "New Culture" of the Meiji Period
-The Samurai custom of Seppuku
-Taisho Modernism
-The "Overcoming Modernity" Debate
-The "Revival of Modernism" in post-war Japan
-Post-modern Japan
I could possibly cram up on 1,2 and 4 and MAYBE do ok. I don't want to take the risk of studying something that doesn't some up. Its the 11th hour. Time to cut my losses and focus on something I may have a chance of remembering.

Oh god, I'm so screwed.

Do. Not. Fall. Apart.

Stress hormones inhibit memory recall. Ironic, no?

To Do Tomorrow
[ ] Answer 2 essay questions in full
[ ] Pay Phone Bill
[ ] Ring Psych Lady (Must leave a message if she isn't there)

Love you skinny ladies!!

~Panicking Peri

Frantic Whale

A rare weekend of wonderful weather was wasted working, windowless, whilst earning my weekly wage. What wonder is it when departing said workplace, worrying winds whip white clouds over my wide sky? Where will wandering gazes stray tonight? Whisper not at my ear, vile wench of temptation and weakness. I must wrench my wits into weird contortions with wild cramming and waylay failure another long while. What woe is my weight? Why, that of a whale. A whopping wobbly whale in white socks weeping before the implacable scale.
(That was so much fun to write!)


If my sodding scales are to be believed, there is significantly more of me posting today than there was on Friday. A whole 2kg more, to be exact. WHAT THE FUCK?!

What. The. Fuck.

Ok, so I deserve it.

Friday night, our two most useless shit-for-brains people were working, so yesterday was hell, work-wise. I ended up coming home and having a massive, hours-long munching bender.
Crackers, hummus, cheese, carrots, more cheese, sandwiches, M&Ms, soup, more sandwiches and toast.

Oh sweet holy fuck. Why the hell did I do that to myself?! And I just had a C&S, to make myself feel even more gross and nasty. I am a pig. P-I-G. No self-control, no self-discipline. If I am over 89kg tomorrow I will liquid fast and doubtless the boy will not cook, as he has caught what I just got over and will milk it. (Ever notice how guys do that? We get crook and still manage to get the groceries done, take out the rubbish and care for the animals. Boys get crook, take to the couch and start to smell.)

Last night, the Boss came in (ON HER DAY OFF) to work with our newest shit-for-brains, and try to sort her out. Sadly, it was too busy with everyone buying up for Labour Weekend for her to do anything. (What is it about long weekends that makes people buy mega fucktons of food?!) On the bright side, it was really freakin quiet today, so I managed to keep on top of nearly everything. I somehow managed to keep on top of the cabinet, bulking sale stock, doing dishes, helping serve customers & deal with pies/drumsticks/chickens while only running the one slicer. It was practically my dream shift!!

Now I'm really panicking about this exam on Tuesday. I know I'm hideously unprepared. I haven't sat a second-year arts paper before, so I have NO idea what to expect. I have made up 5 squares now, mindlessly knitting while reading over the notes from the few lectures I actually went to and the posted readings.

HELP OH HELP HELP HELP HELP ME PLEASE!!! I CAN'T DO THIS I NEED TO PASS BUT I'M SO FUCKED AW NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

To add to this the boy actually stood over my shoulder to make SURE I sent a friend recommendation through to a chick who
a) Refused his previous friend requests
b) Was recently dumped by her fiancée (As soon as he heard this he started badgering me to recommend in earnest)
c) Is so hot I'D do her if she was that way inclined!!
He then turned around and said "Woo! 2 chicks just accepted my friend requests! They both have the same initials and they are both really really HOT!!" -his words.

I REALLY need to find a hot guy with no morals to bring round here and fuck loudly so he knows what it fucking feels like. It bites when ex's are arseholes, but its worse when you have to live with it, too. Prick.

Fuck, I'm gonna go read this paper and try to sleep.

OH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!

~Panicking Piglet Peri

Circus. . .

Time to buckle down and start studying. First exam on Tuesday.

Slowly improving. I sound all nasal and awful. I could so ace a Japanese Oral Test right now :D For some reason having a cold smooths out my Kiwi accent when speaking Japanese.

I love Cirque du Soleil. Here is a segment of Quidam, with a contortionist performing mid-air using Silks.



She has a amazing body. Sadly, the training to acquire that level of flexibility means your career is really, really short. Oh yeah, and when you retire your body is FUCKED.

I want to run away and join the circus. Sadly, I'm not good enough at any one thing, and am waaaay too self-conscious to perform in front of people.

Time for me to sleep. Stupid work. I shall be reading and commenting when I return from said hell hole tomorrow :(

Have an amazing slender weekend!! SSPO is drawing to it's inevitable conclusion. . .

<3

~Peri, pickled in VitaminC

4 Squares for Samoa

Thankyou so much for the comments!! I would bearhug you but:
a) I'm diseased
b) You're too bloody far away
So give yourself a hug for me ok? Some purring noises are Ink's contribution :p

I'm still crook as, but feeling so much better today. Not so dizzy but I sound like crap. Yay for not having to blow my nose every 2.5min! Boo to coughing D: I've been getting lots of attention from both the cats. Maybe because I'm covered in blankets and don't move much?

Ok, my Gym Buddy, workmate and awesome friend Jaq is SUCH a bad influence. We went out for coffee today to have a catch up and bitch about the lazy whores we work with, and had a stroll around the mall after. I bought:
-Lipstick
-Earrings
-Headband (I will turn it into a necklace)
And put $100 of cute outfit on laybuy.
God she's awful! All this shit I would normally never get for myself, and she's standing there going "It looks nice!" "Aww, cute!" and the worst: "There's always laybuy. . ."
I'm going to attempt to borrow a camera so I can put pics of the outfit up when I get it. I'm SUPPOSED to be saving for ACDC with Talia ffs!!

Weight: Down to 57.7kg today. Woot! Fuck, does that look like maintaining to you? *Flails*
AND I'm down to a size 10 on top AND bottom now!! :D MAJOR score!!

One of my high school mates rang today, I mentioned the new clothes size. She claimed I never eat. WTF?! Lol I don't stuff myself with shit the way she does. Girl has had multiple rounds of kidney stones by the age of 22!!

Ugh, I'm outta VitaQuench. That shit flavours water and adds vitamins for, oh 5cal!! :D MUST do a supermarket run in the morning.

I'm gonna throw some more garlic and parsley tablets down my throat and watch some Star Trek. God it cracks me up. It looked so amazing when I was a kid, and now I can spot what kinds of SFX they used. Also, Riker is a bigger tool than I remembered.

Have a lovely night skinny angels. Keep well!!

~Peri Stewed With Vitamins

Crook and Whiney

Unbelievably ill. Listening to Nightwish.

Standing up makes me dizzy.

Have supplies of soup, juice and garlic&parsley tablets. Need more hankies.

Avoided Maccas. Woot.

Throat isn't fucking up yet. Hurts like hell to breathe through nose, but mouth-breathing is cretinous and makes me thirstier.

Need to study, can't concentrate.

3.25 squares for Samoa. Am stalled.

So so tired.

Skipped club, ditched planned sleepover at Miles' to stay here and try to recover.

Oh god, please kill me? Got so run down I got this bug, mild thrush and a sodding ulcer where I bit my tongue. (TMI, to tired to care)

Boy figures nobody's cooking until I'm better. I can live on whatever makes me feel good. Lots and lots of liquid, some solid to shut my sodding stomach up for a while.

I could murder for an iced coffee.

Oh god, where is thy Green Tea Ice Cream now?

Not in my freezer.

I want a smoothie. A 'Get Stoned'. Banana, Apricot, Nectarine, low fat frozen yoghurt, low fat milk.

Going to lie in bed and listen to Nightwish, dreaming of soothing cool drinks.

Have a slender, ethereal day beautiful people.

~Diseased Peri

To Fast Or Not To fast?

Dear Mr.Sandman.

Where were you last night? I was all snuggled up in my PJs waiting for you. The Sandcat visited my kitty while I waited and waited and waited for you. You never came. Your Apprentice visited several times in your stead.

Your apprentice sucks, btw. Sack the little bastard.

Yours,
PeriAdot.



Sweet bugger all sleep. Been lying here since my alarm went off, reading Blogger and Facebooking, trying to decide what to do with my day.

Definitely not going A-N-Y-W-H-E-R-E near any fast food places today. I'm unable to breathe through my nose, so eating in public is OUTOUTOUT. God I hate people who chew with their mouth open. It's disgusting.

Do I continue maintaining or use SBB's sick day excuse to fast today?

This Wednesday that should be liquids?

If I do, I break my word. If I lose any I have to gain it back quick smart to avoid suspicion.

Mmmmm I can use my hipbones to hold my lapop up. I don't want this to be taken away from me. This coping mechanism that allows me to feel worthwhile. Lookit me! I can do this! I'm worth something now! I'm skinny and pretty! You want to talk to me now, don't you? Yes, I saw that look. Come over, buy me a drink. Laugh at my insane comments. I'm only drunk, right? Right?

Fuck I need help.

I'm going to have my coffee and cereal. The Boy is at home, stupid boy. I'll abide by my SSPO rules. 10 days to go. . . I'd better start saving for those togs. . .

~Peri the Piggeh

Shagged By A Rare Parrot!

I'll never understand these people who say a massage is a pleasant and relaxing experience. If it is being done right there are joints popping into place (My rib unstuck with a CRACK! 0.0 God it gave me a fright!) and incredible pain from knots being beaten out of your muscles. The only pleasant things about it was the nice warm table I was lying on and the hot towel afterward. Mmmmm electric blankets. . . That and how amazing it feels to not be in pain after :D

Oh god, you HAVE to read this. I laughed so hard I nearly cried. Both the bird and the commentary. Omg, WATCH THE VIDEO. It's priceless!! *falls off chair laughing* God, no wonder the Kakapo are dying out!! *Snort, lol*

OK, so I have developed the headcold of DOOM. No so bad, I can deal with it so long as it doesn't travel down to my lungs. I'm drinking lots of tasty vege soups. All low-cal. I am incredibly tempted to go liquid fast the rest of the day and all through tomorrow. But then I'd have to drink fuck-knows-what to keep the cals up to maintain. Don't wanna be pissing like a racehorse, thanks!! (They train them to pee when someone whistles, so they can do drug tests. At least, I think they do)

I'm in the typical cold mode where it feels like I've had concrete shoved up my nose, and I get really bad headrush if I stand up too fast. Ugh, I'll stuff myself to the gunnels (With healthy stuff so far. Shopping day is tomorrow so there is no junk left) and have no desire to touch food for a few hours, then I'm screamingly hungry again. Like right now. I'm seriously contemplating a Maccas binge tomorrow. Go, stuff myself with crap I haven't eaten in 2 moths, then eat like a health freak again. Hmm, eat the food when I have no specific craving for it. Maybe that will help stave of worse junk food mishaps later on? It may be worth a try.

God, looking at Thinspo is killing me. I see these amazing, skinny girls. Slender limbs, hipbones like knives jutting under taut skin. Languid beauty and arrogant grace. Gazelles with the smouldering eyes of leopards. All this I want but which I cannot begin to achieve. Must maintain. Must avoid suspicion. I long for slim muscular thighs, a flatter belly, tiny strong arms. I resign myself to toning what I have and gentle stretching for flexibility. I want to learn Tissue work and Acrobalance. For those I need INSANE strength and more flexibility than I currently posses.

I bought 4st 9lb from ITunes last night. I've always wished I could walk on top of snow like Legolas in the LOTR books. I love walking through virgin, unspoiled snow, but I hate turning around and seeing where I've tromped through it.

Fuckit, right now I just want to rot from view. You can't see me, I'm invisible. Don't look at it, don't touch it. Just leave it alone. It's not there.

HOLY SHIT I just found out that good old New Zealand is the 3rd fattest country in the OECD. Yuck!! We didn't eat all the pies, but had a damn good go at them!!

Woah, Mum just rang. o.O Turns out that the whole interior of the building (Dad's work) needs to be stripped and rebuilt due to the smoke damage. If they weren't in the habit of locking their offices on the way home, they whole place would have been gutted. So Dad's been dealing with that and Mum's been dealing with sorting out and tidying up Nana's place.

I'm gonna end this insane wee ramble and go read some more Blogger. Brain isn't much up for knowledge retention at the moment. First exam in 7 days. . .

Love you skinnies!

The Eternally Jealous,

Peri.


P.S. I made up an SSPO badge while drinking my knockout tea <3 It's a rough job, but I'll make a nicer one for SSPN. Maybe it should be SMPN (Sneaky Maintaining Pants November)? Just doesn't sound as cool as SSPO :( Next year it shall be again.

Fuck Me For A Fat Sow

I had 4 bits of toast.

2 with marmite,
2 with peanut butter.

I had little blue dragonflies dancing in my head.

They were telling me I wasn't allowed to go to bed with such a calorie deficit, because Peri is supposed to be maintaining. Bed without dinner isn't allowed any more, darling. Go to the kitchen, make something healthy and eat it.

I ate the fucking toast.

And now I feel like shit.

Bloody hell this is hard.

FML

Fuck my life. Seriously. Fuck my life.

This had been a godawful day. Tomorrow had better be better, or I am very likely to go on a rampage down the main street screaming and biting people's arms off.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I rang Mum this arvo to see if she wanted to come visit tonight, it being her day off and all. Left a message with my little bro whose still living at home, asking her to call me.

A few hours after this I found out VIA THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER that my Dad's business almost burned to the ground on Saturday morning. . . Texted him about it and no reply.

I've decided to just give up on the lot of them. If they don't care to let me know about important things, then I fucking GIVE UP. Why the hell am I still trying? I guess that there is just part of me that doesn't want to give up, that thinks if I just try hard enough my family will want me and love me and accept me. Fuck I'm naive. You think after 22 years I'd have enough sense to stop throwing myself against a brick wall.

Nope, I am a dumbass.

I just sat down to another of the Boys's speciality fat in oil on carbs in oil concoctions, which spilled all over me. Boiling fucking hot. All I could do was sit there and scream "FUCK FUCK OW HOT FUCK FUCK HOT OW FUUUUUUCK" while the useless sack of turds stood there with his mouth open like a bloody stranded fish. After a while of yelling my head off I realised no help was forthcoming, so I used my spoon to scrape the shit off me and back onto my plate. I couldn't get up to get a teatowel without spilling it all over the sodding floor, which would have just been more mess for ME to clean up.

USELESS SHIT FOR BRAINS BLOODY MOREPORK. DICKLESS IDIOT. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL ALIVE WHEN YOU HAVE NO BLOODY IDEA WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE STARTS YELLING THEIR HEAD OFF AND IS OBVIOUSLY IN PAIN?!

Now I sit upstairs with a pile of ice in a facecloth on the burn (I'm not sticking my whole self in a freezing bloody cold shower, or sitting around with no pants on for a damp facecloth) The food is in a container in the fridge, which I have no intention of eating. I already ate 2/3 of a bag of chips, 2.5 tablespoons of dip and an apple. OMG I FEEL SO FUCKING SICK.

And I had to clean up his fucking cat's vomit. AGAIN. Never doing it again. Not my cat, not my fucking problem.

Apart from the fact that I hate living in a toxic waste dump, and he has no problems with doing so.

Seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE?!

On better news, I was 58.1kg this morning. I have a massage tomorrow, so I'm gonna try to do a cardio day on Wednesday. All this sitting and eating like a good little pig is driving me fucking nuts. The Boy is off work the next 4 days (FUCK MY LIFE) so I'm gonna spend as much time the fuck out of here as possible.

I now have 2.5 peggy squares done. Gonna knit some more, read your blogs and try to express some of this rage in a socially acceptable way. Right now I can't draw or write anything I'm happy with. Maybe I'll just crank my Angry playlist and dance.

18 Followers?! I love you so much you crazy, skinny bitches <3

~Peri, misanthropy and rage de ippai
(God I want a Japanese keyboard and language pack for this machine)

Youtube Gleanings

Today was fairly dull. Therefore I am to. Nothing to really fire the brain or produce an interesting blog. I was off work sick so there was lots of knitting, interwebbing and watching Youtube. Moving slowly and consuming slowly seem to be the keys to surviving atm. Ugh.

I have nearly an entire canary square now! Just a few more centimetres and then I switch back to blue. God it looks like a rugby scarf XO Poor Samoans, I should have gotten different colours.

Weighed in at 58.3kg. I think my acceptable weight range for maintenance will be 57.8->58.5kg for the rest of the month. As I get better at managing it I shall shrink the range. Dammit, weight fluctuates so easily!! It can change depending on monthly bloating, the last time you took a shit, water retention caused by diet, the alignment of the stars, ARGH!! *Glares at body* Just behave yourself, willya?

This is the first part of When Diets Go Wrong. Good to know what to avoid!

And this is the first part of Killing Us Softly.

Ethical concerns keep me from continuing to study marketing. Dammit! It's so fun!! I got an A on a first year assignment that required us to justify a purchase using concepts from class. I made a pile of well-spun bullshit about how I got a body piercing to fit in with my family. Rofl!!

Hmm, it appears I have just made plans to stay over at Miles' after club on Wednesday night to watch videos of the final exams for the Circus Arts school up in Christchurch. Sweet. Those guys learn some awesome stuff!!

As I am in a very boring mode today, I shall go and drink sleepy tea and do little things that shall hopefully tire me out for bed.

Have a wonderful night!

~Crook and Commonplace Peri

1 Square For Samoa!!

Yay! 1 square of navy blue, semi-professional looking knitting is held to the needle by an incongruous row of cadmium yellow loops.

(It looks that good because the dark colour makes it hard to pick out fuck-ups)

I've been sitting here for the last 50mins reading Blogger, listening to Bjork and knitting. It is so soothing, I'm actually feeling tired for the first time an a few weeks. My sense of time is kinda skewed, so it could be any length of time, really. I'm pretty sure of about 2 weeks.

My stomach has joined in the general revolt and illness of my body. NOT good since I'm supposed to be maintaining now. Bland foods have been so soothing to it I had a panic. Irma's late, I'm nauseous, could it be Peri is preggers?! "Oooh," I thought "If the condom broke and he didn't tell me, I'm so gonna kill him!" So panicking Peri piddles on a stick, and the little blue line confirmed the lack of gestation. So Irma is just sulking. Good.

The maintenance plan is still under construction. Gah. Scariest thing I have thought of so far is this:

If I am consistently weighing in under stipulated stop point (58kgs) I will march my ass down to Maccas, (American=MacDonalds) order a Hunger Buster and eat the fucking lot. Siiiiiiick. I think the last time I ate one of those was 1.5-2 years ago. One of the few things I remember clearly from that night of drunken debauchery is sitting in the Maccas, staring at the wreckage of a tray that had until very recently held a significant quantity of food. I am aware of both the fact that it is 2am, and that what I had just consumed was an entire Hunger Buster meal (Chips, drink, sundae, burgers and all)

My only clear thought: "I can't believe I just ate all that!!"

The thought of having to do this while stone cold SOBER scares me shitless.

More tomorrow. Time to haul this diseased carcass I call a body to the comfort of bed.

Love to you skinnies!

~Peri

OMG!!! :D

HOLY FUCKING SHIT DUDE!!

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG OH MY GAWD!!!

SWEETNESS AND EPIC AWESOMENESS!!

ABSOLUTELY, TOTALLY FULL OF THE MOST STUNNING WIN EVER!!!!!

Despite losing the upper registers while singing along, I have had some E-P-I-C moments today.

FIRST:

I am OFFICIALLY 57.9kg!!! (127.4lbs) :D I fully can't believe it!! I've met my SSPO weight goal (Admittedly, it was fairly lenient compared to pretty much everyone elses) But STILL! :D I DID IT!!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!

Now comes the scary bit: Maintaining.

To make sure I do I've told everyone how I've finally reached "60"kg *wink, nudge* So they will notice any more weight loss. I'm incredibly tempted to push on to 57.3kg and be 'officially' underweight, but hell, according to Jenny's weight-o-meter I'm already underweight! ^.^

OK, to get yours go Here (Yup, Jen4Men)
-Click "Check my Progress"
-Scroll down
-Hit the 'My Jenny Weight Tracker' On bottom right.
-Click he lovely yellow 'Try It' button.
<3

Since I wasn't a fatty, there was no gym. Just facing the terror of the kitchen to fuel my immune system. Oh dear god.

I just got back form Miles' house, and I ate soooo many yummy wee Ritz crackers with Brie cheese I just wanna follow it up with a finger to the tonsils.

Uhm, Peri? SSPO=No Purging! Live with it, piglet.

Oink oink. To prove I'm a pig, all that cheesy crackery goodness put my cal total up to 3,310 for the day. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Oh god PLEASE can I hurl??

So, to clear things up about Miles: he is a good friend, a nice bloke and a sometime fuckbuddy. I know he is off up north to circus school next year, so I was never looking for a relationship with him. (Although if he was staying down here, it would be a different story, lol)

Next 2 awesome things are pure geek. Skip them you don't play Magic ^.^

SECOND
I was playing my blue/black mill deck vs his straight red burn deck. He was drawing SFA mana, so I memory plundered a HUGE ASS burn spell from his graveyard for 4 mana. Try 10 burn damage before he had his second mana out :D

THIRD
Still playing my mill deck, Miles switched to a polymorph/phyrexian/shapeshifter deck that is PURE. EVIL. I beat it, for the first time EVER!! God I am so proud of myself.

Holy shit, I HAVE to go try sleeping now. My brain is so weird right now. At night my brain is pounding along at the speed of light, impossible to shut down for sleep. In the mornings, after 4-5 hours of shuteye it is almost physically impossible to wake up. Then Poof! after 40mins my brain accelerates from 0 to warp speed and I'm off again!!

I am so totally fucked.

Right now I have to knit and formulate a maintenance plan. *throws screaming tantrum* Don't WANNA!!!

Have an amazing skinny weekend! DON'T BE A PIG LIKE ME!!

~Wired, tired, panicking Peri who is terrified of the monsters in the fridge

Too Late To Think Of A Post Title

To Do:
[X] Ring Psych Lady (OR ELSE!!!)
[X] Get equipment and start on squares
[ ] Print out CV and apply for new job
[X] Do weights program at physio
[ ] Flat hunting!!!
[X] Pick up books from Whitcoulls
[X] Pay Bills
[X] Study for exams

I paid one of the bills (The one I don't have to go down to Uni to print) and the Psych Lady was out. I was too pussy to leave a message. Someone slap me will ya?! I already have 1/2 a navy blue square done. I have navy blue and bright screaming yellow. Poor, poor Samoan person stuck with my shitty knitting in those eyeblinding contrasts. At least they'll be a bit warmer, right?

Whilst picking up the books I purchased a breast cancer support bracelet of big chunky ping beads. If people get used to me wearing that and my Pride bracelet (I'm kinda Bi and not so much in the closet as on a don't ask and you won't know policy. Wimp? Yes. Very much so.) they won't look so oddly at a red bracelet/anklet I'm gonna make ^.^ *Insert evil laugh here*

Today I was soo good. At least until an hour ago -.- I'm still disgusted at the thought of solid foods, although cashews aren't too threatening. Neither is cheese, funnily enough. I walked around town for 2 hours. Then when I go home my stomach, throat and head all went into synchronised revolt. Oh please dear GOD can I not be coming down with the flu my Boss had last Sunday? Please please please? My calorie deficit for the day is worse than pitiful (try double-didgits. SSPO FAIL!!) and that has me climbing out of my skin.

I couldn't weigh myself this morning as The Boy was up before me. (Holy shit, since when does that happen?!) Tomorrow, though. Tomorrow. If I'm up from 58.6 I'll do cardio REGARDLESS of how shitty I feel and the potential to let this flu ass-rape me. *Growls at flu bug* Just you try it, bitch!!

Lol I bought a lovely crimson red flower for my room. It feels fluffy!! *patpat the fluffy flowers* I shall water you and fertilise you and you shall be my pretty. (As in Pretty Please Don't Wilt-And-Die) (*Grabs nearest wood and hangs on for dear life*)

OMG food shopping today. I innocently put the makings of another C&S session on the flat shop XD Tim Tams and chippies. (American=Crisps? Potato Chips?) I feel so sneaky and evil right now. In a good way though. Suck on that boy!!

Good news clohes-wise I am so no longer a 12. It all down-trous with a pull. Sweet!! I have to pin my new pants to keep them up, and my work pants have the potential to greatly embarrass me. *Glee!!*

To Do Tomorrow
[ ] Cardio session (If a fatty)
[ ] Rest (If not a fatty)
[ ] Study for Exams
[ ] Flat hunt

Miles' house for dinner tomorrow. Wish me luck and a strong spine. Must. Not. Gorge.

Have a lovely evening!!

~Peri

Looking Back On My Baby Fast

To Do Today
[ ] Take old clothes to clothing donation bin
[X] Study for exams
[X] Liquid fast for as long as possible
[X] Go to Club
[ ] Ring Psych Lady

Huh, the 2 easiest things were the ones I didn't do... Go figure.

The liquid fast was fun. I spent most of the day sipping on random drinks and cruising the internet. I have the feeling that the longer I go on one, the less fun it would be. By the time the boy decided to cook tea I would have cheerfully murdered for some cashews. As it was I had a C&S binging session consisting of an ENTIRE box of BBQ flavoured Shapes.

God it was hard not to swallow them.

By the time I dragged my ass out to club I was really fucking tired and feeling sick from the meal I stuffed down my throat. Boiled spuds (American=potato), meat and veges. Got lots of hugs from Miles, and he invited me around to his house for dinner on Friday.

Wtf?!

Anyway, I'm planning on doing a liquid fast every Wednesday from now on, if at all possible. I need to invest in some nice tomato/cream of chicken soups so I don't go mental subsisting on sweet flavours DX Although drinking as much chocolate soymilk as I wanted made me feel so decadent!!

Right now I'm spinning between "Omg-I-hate-food-it-is-so-nasty-I-don't-need-it-to-live-god-putting-anything-solid-in-my-mouth-is-so-gross-right-now" and "Gimme-gimmie-gimmie-toast-and-brie-and-chips-and-chocolate-and-ice-cream-too-omg-I'm-never-gonna-stop-eating-HELP!!" God I feel so gross.

Obviously I'm a fasting lightweight (OMG PUNS!!!!), but I shall work on that. I've been maintaining 58.6kg for the last 3 fucking days, so I'm wondering if any will shift from shoving sweet fuck all calories into my metabolism for most of the day.

Oh fuck I hope I didn't go into starvation mode just from that!! D: HORRORS!!!

Hello irrationality, how are you today? I'm just fine thank you, now show me your tits or GTFO OF MY HEAD!!!

Hmm I'm going to read my textbook while working on the scarf for my niece. Tomorrow I plan to join the people knitting squares to be made into blankets and sent to Samoa as part of the relief effort. I need to invest in some double-knit and 5mm needles first.

To Do Tomorrow:
[ ] Ring Psych Lady (OR ELSE!!!)
[ ] Get equipment and start on squares
[ ] Print out CV and apply for new job
[ ] Do weights program at physio
[ ] Flat hunting!!!
[ ] Pick up books from Whitcoulls
[ ] Pay Bills
[ ] Study for exams

It's long 0.0 But it's stuff I really need to do.

I beg your pardon for my extreme boringness lately. I have no direction at the moment. I'm also ambivalent about getting down to 58kg (My SSPO goal weight) because I know when I hit that I have to maintain for a fucking long time D:

Right now I guess I just want to survive my exams intact and with passing grades, but I have no motivation to study. Fuck it, I'll quit whining and being dull and go do some of that.

Love you skinny bitches!!

~Dull Peri

Random Boringness

Last night I didn't end up getting to sleep until after 2am. I slept through my alarm, slept through class, slept through rubbish pickup. (I'm in charge of doing the recycling, and we have a pile of truly EPIC proportions sitting in the wash house). Lazy me didn't get out of bed until noon. Feeling really down, fuckit. Stupid Miles and his stupid conscience.

I did make it to the physio, but the boy ruined my plans for a liquid fast tomorrow. Apparently there were epic assloads of stock in for grocery to deal with, and they had heaps of staff off today. I told him to not bother cooking tonight if he didn't want to. (Marmite on toast and chocolate soy milk. Marmite is really salty tasting, full of B12&Iron, and only 6-8cals a servs :D) He said he'd cook tomorrow night instead D: Noooo! I wanna liquid fast!! Hmm, if I head ou to club early enough, I can sneak away before he cooks :D

I'm watching Supersize Me again to put myself off takeaways. I have to drive past a KFC on m way home from work, and it's been smelling dangerously attractive lately >.< I'm down to 58.6kg!! I've FINALLY started getting compliments from other females on how I look. The friend who I went flying with yesterday said I was "tiny"!! The secretary at dad's work said I was noticeable thinner through the face and looking "Really good"!! My leather pants (for my motorbike) that I was about to explode out of 10 months ago now need a belt to stay up. Sure, my pelvis can hold them up, (They are high-tops for safety) but they sag really freakin low. I'm going to do a whole post devoted to yesterday's amazing flight when my mate puts her photos up on Facebook.



What I'm allowing myself for the Liquid Fast:
Coffee
Herbal Tea
Soymilk
Water
Lipton Lemon Tea
V8
Soup in a Cup (for savoury flavour cravings)
Gum (for chewing distraction)


To Do Tomorrow
[ ] Take old clothes to clothing donation bin
[ ] Study for exams
[ ] Liquid fast for as long as possible
[ ] Go to Club
[ ] Ring Psych Lady

Ok, I need to go practise falling asleep now. I'm rocking the headache of DOOM right now >.<

Love,
~Peri

I can has refund nao?

Can I have a refund on my life please?

It sucks.

Miles just went home. His story was he didn't want to make it awkward for me and the boy living together for the next, oh, 2 months.

Bullshit.

Fucking males.

I want to disappear now. I'm exhausted but I'm never gonna get to sleep.

Bastard just text me complaining that his brakes don't work. I said if he was that worried about the boy he could sleep on the fucking couch.

Bloody hell I wish I could get away with cutting myself up. Even attempting an OD would take too long. I know from past attempts that I don't have anywhere near enough pills in the house.

Today was going so good, too. I went for a fly over the city with my pilot-student mate in the amazing weather and got 3 loads of washing done. Yeah, the only thing I can cross off my to-do list today is washing. Go me.

Fuck me, I consumed 2,755 calories today to look normal in front of miles.

Fuck that.

Eat as little as possible tomorrow, first liquid fast on Wednesday. Gym program the next 4 days.

I know all he effects of death by starvation by now. I know I'll get impatient on the way. Hurry it up with some pills or a knife. Fuck this shit, I want out.

I'm listening to "Never good enough" by Rachel Ferguson. I don't want to look like a fucking pop starlet, I just want to die. You guys know the things I won't talk to my mates about. They don't want to know this shit. I means a lot to me that some people want to know about it.

Omg I want out of this shit. Life is too confusing. It hurts too much. Sometimes that's the only way I know I'm actually alive, because inside just hurts. I know I'm not going to get serious help unless I fall apart visibly, but there's no way in hell I'd willingly show that much weakness to someone.

I'm gonna go hide under the blankets. Maybe the world will go away in the night and I can live happily ever after.

There is such a thing, right?

Do as I say, not as I do. (The instrustions are there for a reason, Peri)

Oh, my god. I am such a dumbass.

Last night, bloated, irritable and DESPERATE for a shit, I cranked out my last-resort laxative. This is what I turn to when it's been 5 days since I've last crapped and I'm ready to kill something.

It's come herbal concoction that looks like green tea powder, smells like liquorish and tastes like arse. (No, I haven't rimmed anyone, so I don't know from direct experience :p)

Sounds pretty harmless, right?

WRONG!!

Last time, the recommended level half-teaspoon took F-O-R-E-V-E-R to work (Try another 2 days of discomfort and misery!) so I figured "Eh, if it's that weak, 2tsp will be fiiiine. She'll be right!!" I dumped 2 teaspoons of that shit into 1/4 cup of yoghurt, mixed it up and choked it down.

It was vile.

I went to bed, expecting to be fine before work this morning.



Can you spell moron with me?

GIMME A P! GIMME AN E! GIMME AN R-I-A GIMME A D, GIMME AN O! AND A T! OH, YEAH!!

WHADDAYA GOT?!

A colossal fucktard, that's what you've got.


I was awoken at 4am (I didn't get to sleep until 12am) by massive gut pain.

"Huh? Oh yay! Things are starting to move again!!" I thought. But the pain grew, and kept growing.

By 6:30 I was in agony. I went to work and spent the day shuttling between the deli and the loo. The boss was at work when she should have been at home in bed, so I just shut my trap and worked as best I could. How on earth do you explain to the middle aged lady that you can't hold her hand to the goddamn pita breads because you are in dire need of a lavatory?

Oh god, it was awful. I've given up the idea of eating anything else today. All I can picture is it blasting out the other end. Please, dear god NO MORE!! Carrot, go slowly. Cracker, it should take 3 hours to exit the STOMACH, not my whole bloody digestive system!!

Moral to the story:
ALWAYS FOLLOW THE DOSAGE DIRECTIONS. THEY ARE THERE FOR A REASON.

A painful, stinky nasty reason that I do not EVER want to experience again.

Ever.

End of bloody story.

To Do Tomorrow
[ ] Gym with Gym Buddy
[ ] Weights at physio
[ ] Washing if Sunny
[ ] Try not to fall apart

(Miles is coming over tomorrow, he's going to be staying the night. It could get very messy if The Boy throw a tanty over him sleeping in my bed. It's worrying me but I'm trying to think of the fun aspects of the night. Please can this go alright? Please?)

Love you skinny ladies!!

~Peri

Angro Post

I'm surly. Grumpy, moody and, well, surly.

Work was shit. I was tuck working with 3 girls (One my age and 2 as old as my mum) who all do the bare fucking minimum. We were screwed. I was supposed to be slicing stock but ended up spending 1/2 my shift serving. Then 3pm start guy showed up, and HE serve while they stood around gasbagging.

Lazy flea-ridden whores. Useless piles of maggoty offal. Putrid turds.

Hot Guy is, as predicted, in Peri-has-Ebola-Mode. Apart from coming to chat with me at lunch, since I was talking to some of the cute guys from bakery about the technicalities of rabbit hunting, and laughing my ass off at the mental images of what would happen if you hit a rabbit with an armour-piercing round from a sniper rifle.

*Poof!* Little crater surrounded by gently drifting bunny fluff. *snort, lol*

(Sorry if you happen to like rabbits and this offends you. They are a MAJOR pest species here. I have vivid memories of the state of the countryside before RCD/RHD was introduced here *Shudder*)

Yeah, dealing with assholes and fucktards for 8 hours straight makes the most macabre things amusing.

I'm still feeling bloated and nasty, but I have achieved my SSPO required deficit for the day!! God I hope Irma stays the fuck away until Tuesday. (Miles is staying on Monday night for card games. . .)

Have an amazing super sneaky sexy skinny weekend!!

<3

~Peri the grrrr

Who Ate All The Pies?

I ate all the sodding pies.

Fatty fat fat fat fat pig failure bitch. Flabby lazy whore. Fucking fat useless disgusting stupid bitch.

Back up to 59.1kg

Why the hell does that bug me so much?! I'm still under 60kg!! I've never seen this weight range before in my life. (I stopped weighing myself as a pre-teen around 30kg, didn't weigh in again until the end of high school when I stopped growing) But I still look at that number and just want to eat my head off. Homf homf homf I am fat bitch, hear me nom.

I stayed up late working on that damn assignment last night, and ate my ass off. Sure it was healthy shit like carrots, hummus, brie, soymilk and not chips and fizzy (American=Soda pop?) and chocolate and junk, but my calorie count was waaaaay up on Fitday by the end of it.

Fuck.

To add to my pile of failure I slept through my alarm yesterday by 2 hours and missed the gym. I shit you not my alarm was going off so long that the battery in my clock is now dead!! So, second SSPO fail for the week of missing 2 gym sessions. I missed ANOTHER today by spending 10am-3pm working on my sodding assignment.

I'm climbing out of my bloody skin. The mania and high induced by completing the assignment have worn off leaving me surly and antisocial. I want to to go for a run or something but it's too late in the day. I'm going to work on my poi routine for Breathe Me instead. If I don't use up some energy I'm never gonna get to sleep tonight.

Why am I so pissed off that Miles hasn't texted me today? I have been ignoring my phone in a marathon assignment completion rush, and he's up north filming final exams for someone, but STILL!!

Ugh, I hate being irrational.

Sigh.

I handed my assignment in 1.5 hours before he deadline, and I'm hoping with every cell in me that I scraped together a passing mark. My brain is totally fucked up.

Yesterday I got lost at the supermarket.

I had to get eggs, the boy was getting milk. By the time I'd worked my way through the confusing eggy options an settled on 1doz free ranged eggs as being the best idea, he wasn't to be found. Not in the chilled section or the baking aisle. Crap. After 5mins I take myself to the service desk and wait for someone to find me. I was so completely confused.

Ok, get this. This is the funny part:

I've been working at that particular supermarket for the last 3 years. The layout of the store hasn't changed in a year. I STILL got honest-to-goodness, no-idea-where-I-am lost.

Lol, what the hell?!

I have a killer restriction for the day, thanks to caffeine and study stress. I think I've earned some microwave popcorn. Mmmm taste that artificial butter flavouring!! *Eye Roll*

I'm going to work out a plan for maintaining over the next few weeks. Sigh. I feel so fat right now. The pants lie, they magically stretched themselves to fall off my fat arse when I wasn't looking. I haven't lost anything. SHUT UP YOU STUPID LYING PANTS!!!!!

~Porky Peri of the Irrational Mind

*Runs Through*

I'm totally fucked by the assignment. Thank GOD that the readings are going better than set ones, because I actually CARE about the topic I picked!

I'll post properly tomorrow night. I'm reading your blogs in study breaks <3 You guys are keeping me from drowning in a sea of politics, controversy and international relations. Here are some videos that fully inspire me. Shakira looks toned, sexy and amazing. Beyonce is her usual bootylicious self, and her backup dancers have legs to Africa!! Two words for Beyonce, though. Waist cincher. That is the only way she can achieve that nip (in her sliced up silver outfit) and still move normally. The robotic outfit is most definitely corseted. Guess what other outfit is cinched? There are at least 2 that I noticed. Go here for Shakira's video.

And here For Beyonce's.

Growl, wouldn't let me embed. Stupid Youtube.

Right, back to study now.

Love you Skinnies!!

~Stupid Peri, going manic with study

I'm Feeling Boring Today

[X] Study
[X] Pick up Fat Pack (New Magic cards!! Yay!!)
[X] Go for long ride
[Partial] Work ass off on assignment (Ass did not actually part contact with rest of body)
[ ] Glue ass back on again
[ ] Ring Psych Lady

Ok, my 'Long Ride' was only up to Waikouaiti and back, about a 98km round trip if you go by my trip counter. (Ooooh they have a Wikipedia entry!!) I pronounce the name the know-nothing-white-trash way of "Whack-a-white" XD God that actually look really, really bad when I write it!! The weather was amazing and I was dying to take some photos for you guys. Stupid busted camera!!

Funny aside here, I have actually been kicked out of Cherry Farm. No shit! On a geography trip we took an uninvited tour of the grounds, and got run off by some angry denizens of the retirement home now situated there. They are sick of goggling tourists running about, apparently.

Naughty Peri, I didn;t ring the Psych lady. I'm scared of talking to new people. I worry that they will be like some of the bitch-arse retards at Student Health who don't believe you. One of them, when my friend spoke of her miscarriage actually said, and I QUOTE "Lots of young mothers kill their babies". She walked out at that point and ended up in hospital that night.

Useless whore of a woman. I want to rip her liver out through her rectum and piss on it.
(You don't fuck with my mates)

I'm feeling really depressed for no reason tonight. I went to club tonight and Miles was really nice. He kept coming over and talking to me more than he used to!! I got lots of hugs, lol. He gives really good hugs. He's coming over next Monday. The Boy actually invited him over to play Magic. I'm gonna cook my trademark Nachos. I make amazing nachos, and you can have them vegetarian or carnivorous!! :D

I've loved reading everyone's blogs today. Grrr I'm such a blogger n00b I can't work out how to reliably find the blogs of they people who are crazy enough to follow mine. (OMG 12 of you?! I love you to bits!! *Tackehugs*) Can someone tell me how to find profile easily? I has a stupid -.-;

I was 58.8kg this morning. 129.4lbs. I have decided that I am going to maintain for a long time once I hit 58kg. (127.6lbs) The weight I've lost is becoming v-e-r-y noticeable, and I don't want people to freak out. Not that my parents would, it's other people who worry about me. *Sigh* (Why on earth do they bother caring about someone who doesn't care about herself?!) I was thinking of maintaining 58 for a few months. I found out I have to be 57.3kg (126.1) to be underweight. God, months of maintaining will be hard!!

Must. Not. Get. Busted.

I have to get back to reading articles now. *Sigh* University blows.

Have a lovely night skinny pretties.

~Boring Peri

Mixed Feelings (Another long post)

To Do
[X] Wash Bike if Sunny (OMG it was filthy!!)
[X] Do weights program
[Partial] Get a hold of the Research Librarian (Bitch is overseas)
[ ] Start assignment
[ ] Start scarf for Helena (My niece)


Due to the lack of postage in my usually prolific mumblings last night, you can safely assume that I did not actually return to my own abode after playing M:TG with Miles. After getting fully sidetracked by some games which were strategically interesting and some which were downright silly (One round I managed to beat him with about 23 1/1 tokens and some chump blockers. Another game lasted 40mins coz I kept pulling Defenders {couldn't attack him} and he was having hardcore Mana Burn {Couldn't summon anything to attack me}) it was too late for me to drive home without copping a hefty fine. So I stayed at his. In his bed.

God I feel so spoiled. I got head TWICE!!! :D (TMI but I don't care!!) I only got about 2.5 hours sleep last night, but it was worth it. He is very comfy to cuddle up to and extremely huggable. Also damn good in the sack.

Lol, he's off to another city to study next year. I'm not crossing my fingers for anything special here. I'm just enjoying the moment. He's a really nice bloke.

The Boy is under the impression that I slept on the couch. Let him think that for now ;)

All last night no disordered eating thoughts surfaced. Or, at least, if they tried to butt in I told that part of me to shut up and piss off. I ate 3 cookies, some ice cream, and a piece of cake with no guilt. There was non-stop coffee and we were using Mini M&Ms as tokens, and scoffing them as they were no longer needed. I had the time of my life.

Today I got home and started inputting my calories in and out into FitDay. I start feeling bad. I know I shouldn't be doing this to myself. I know I'm hurting myself and I'm doing it on purpose. The guilt tripled as I got a text. It was Miles, checking to see if I'd gotten home ok. My bike refused to turn over in the cold this morning and I killed the battery trying to get it to start. (Why the hell don't Suzuki put kick starts on their GZ250 line?! The batteries are piss-tiny!!!) Miles nearly made himself late for work this morning by walking me to Dad's work so I could beg a jump-start.

I'm torn. I really am. I want this crutch. I need it. I need to be able to inflict the pain I deserve on myself. I need a concrete reason to feel guilt, besides the general fact that I'm alive and breathing when so many more aren't. I need to go see this psych that the Doctor has put me onto. I don't know if I can afford it, and I know that if I go I'm gonna just pull the 'Oh, I'm fine. I'm sane. I have it together, you don't need to worry about me" act that I have perfected over the years.

I don't want to do this. I want to be normal. I want to be SANE. Sometimes it seems impossible. I'm sitting here watching helplessly as I sabotage myself. FUCK WHY DO I DO THIS?! Grrr it's only me doing it to myself, but it's like I have no control over my actions. I try, goddess knows I try, but I fail more often than not. Sodding autopilot is on and manual controls have been severed. You are fucked, have a nice flight.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

*Deep breath*

Sweet, I'm gonna do Yasukuni Shrine for my research.

I'm gonna go to Something Fishy and do the printable questionnaire for the Psych lady.

For the SSPO celebratory outfit, I'm buying myself some new togs. (American=Swimsuit?) The last pair I had were size 14. I'm gonna be size 10, I hope. I threw my last pair out because they started going see-through. Ugh. Black togs going see-through. So WRONG!!

I'm sore all over from last night and my Cardio Program today, but it feels so good.

To Do Tomorrow:
[ ] Ring Psych Lady
[ ] Study
[ ] Pick up Fat Pack (New Magic cards!! Yay!!)
[ ] Go for long ride
[ ] Work ass off on assignment
[ ] Glue ass back on again

I'm fully in love with this piece of ballet at the moment. She looks so ephemeral. So beautiful, delicate and happy. I love that costume so much!!


<3,

Torn Peri

Brain Fuzzies

I thought today would never end!

There was just enough snow to be annoying, but not enough to be fun. It had settled on cars and fences at my level. Another 100m up it was WHITE. It looked amazing!! Sadly I had to hop on my bike and drive through the big, fat, pretty white flakes sifting down all the way to my hammy hell.

Sigh.

I can feel my brain starting to fog up again, the fuzzies creeping in from the back. 2 years ago I was attempting suicide on a weekly basis. Trying to get some help, ANY help from the indifferent doctors at Student Health. My brain was fuzzy back then indeed. I was easily confused, lost chunks of time, no short term memory at ALL. It was very, very scary.

At the worst point, I couldn't even remember what my scooter looked like. (I was driving a scooter back then, until I got my motorcycle license) I would have to walk around everywhere I could have possibly parked that day until I found it. That could take about an hour. Eventually I gave up and started walking everywhere.

The back of my hand was covered with times, places and events. Classes I had to go to, physio appointments, anything I had to do I had to write down or I would forget it. My short term memory is still screwed. Mid-term not so great. This makes exam season terrifying.

If I went out I could never remember if I had locked the door, or if I had even checked to see if I had. I'm pretty sure sometimes I checked it about 4-6 timed. Others I could have sworn black and blue that I'd been back and checked it. I'd come home to find out I'd left it unlocked.

The scariest time I clearly remember leaving the house pleased I was being so early for work. It was an hour before I was supposed to clock in. I got to work to find the boss dealing with a seizing epileptic in the car park. It was pissing with rain so I go over to hold my umbrella over the guy. The boss tells me I'm an hour late and demands to know why I didn't answer my phone. Fucked if I know where that time went! I'm pretty fucking sure all I did was walk to work. Meh, I probably read the time wrong. I hope so.

God, how did I manage to do ANYTHING back then? I kept my job and even passed a few papers ffs!! o.O Yup, mental. Completely and utterly mental.

I don't want to go back there. Nobody could do anything to help. Today I was getting really frustrated with lists of instructions. They confused me.

Wow, I just realised how mopey, whiny and Woe-Is-Me this post is. I'll beat myself up for it later. I hate sounding like this!!

There is a fluffy white Persian cat snuffling around my laptop. Hi kitty! Nice to see you out from under the bed! ^.^ She was chasing the wool while I knitted last night. White fluffy playing with a ball of pink wool. So sickeningly cute!

I had kitties follow me back from the dairy tonight. I went for a phone card but got an ice cream too -.-; Honest to god I was followed by one cat after another until I decided to stop feeling guilty about the ice cream and planning a binge. I'm still 200cal under what I burned today.

I declare tonight a NO GUILT ZONE!!

I'll post again tomorrow night after I get home from Miles'. That's IF I get home ;) I'm fully hoping to FINALLY get some of that XD Wish me luck? :p

To Do Tomorrow
[ ] Wash Bike if Sunny
[ ] Do weights program
[ ] Get a hold of the Research Librarian
[ ] Start assignment
[ ] Start scarf for Helena (My niece)

Have a guilt-free evening skinnies!! <3 October 4 is from now on a day divorced of any guilty feelings whatsoever!

~Fuzzy Peri

Long Post with Pretty

Oh my god I am in a WORLD of pain.

Sore from the new weights program and the cardio yesterday (Why did I think it was smart to cycle and use the treadmill on the same day?! I know it fucks my hips) and the FUCKING SHAVED HAM is back on FUCKING SPECIAL. $8.90/kg, sweet fuck kill me now.

Every muscle in my body is stiff and sore. I'm ditching my friend's 21st party because I can barely walk. I'm such an idiot.

Oh, did I also mention that it's stocktake tomorrow? Start of every month we have stocktake. Usually the first Sunday. We're forecast for an unusually late dump of snow tonight or tomorrow, so I'm crossing my fingers for ASSLOADS OF SNOW so I can't get down the hill to work.

pleasepleasepleaseohPLEASE!!!!

My plan for Super Sneaky Pants October:
1)No Pizza!!
2)Log a calorie deficit of atleast 200cals per day on Fitday.com
3)Shut the door
4)Go to gym 4 days a week, as per current physio program
5)No purging. Haven't started yet. Don't plan to.
6)Be 58kgs on November 1
7)Buy awesome new outfit at 58kgs to wear on birthday.
8)DO. NOT. GET. BUSTED. I am allowed to break all other rules to keep this one.

Guess what? It's totally different from everyone else's.

Guess what? I don't care.

Number 8 is very important. ESPECIALLY if I'm going to be at the physio 4 times a week. I think they are getting suspicious of my weight loss. Lol I get a massage every 2 months. Fucking hard to hide weight loss when you aren't wearing anything but socks and panties!!

Ok, I have a totally bragworthy piece of artwork here. I didn't draw it. Someone was selling customs and I bought two. The first one, a mimic of my pony Naahmah on the site Pony Island, was finished and mailed to me last night.


The Pony:



The Art:


*Dies* So amazing!! The tail band is red for two reasons. The first is the colour of the robes worn by Naahmah's priests and priestesses in Jacqueline Carey's Kusheil series.

I'm sure you can guess the other ;)

My list today was:
[ ] Finish up Armwarmers
[ ] Study after work
[ ] Not to swear where customers can hear me.

Yeah, epic fail. I feel like I've had all my muscles ripped out and replaced with beef jerky. Also some bastard has put boulders on my eyelids. I just want to snooze.

Sleep well, Skinnies!

~Peri

Blurblelurble

Really nothing much has happened today. Lol I'm honestly surprised anyone reads this loopy pile of brain-vomit and pedantry I call a blog 0.0

Holy shit I SWEAR my scale is fucking with my head. I was 58.9kg today. 58.9. Seriously WOW! I never thought I'd break the 130lb mark, and here I am at 129.6. Wow. I fully don't believe it.

The cardio session KILLED me. I am seriously wiped out right now. A whole bloody hour when I haven't been near a cross-trainer for over a week :( (Yeah, I'm lazy) I even have a good restriction for the day without trying. I just haven't been hungry.

I rang and emailed the Research Librarian when she didn't answer. I should have started this assignment earlier. SHIT!!!

Dinner at the parental's wasn't too bad. It was Chinese takeaways so I could biff however much I wanted. Bubi rice and dressing-drenched coleslaw!! :3 I love those little containers. No-one can see how much is left in them. Played a lot with my niece. She is so cute!

I'm halfway through Madness. I don't think it's as heavy a read as Wasted, Hornbacher uses a good twist of humour when describing what it's like for her to go barking. I'm glad now that I'm not Bi-Polar. I used to envy the manic phases coz atleast they (People with Bi-Polar) get to feel GOOD sometimes. Yeah, not any more. I'll have the order of depression with a side of suicidal impulses. Oh, and serve of crazy for dessert. But hold the mania please, it doesn't go with the wine.

I'm going round to Miles' house on Monday night. We've been flirting via text since Wednesday. Shit, that reminds me I haven't texted him back :O Lol I'll tell him my phone went flat *Evil grin*

I'm gonna put a movie on and finish these arm warmers. I'll post a pic of them (and my ribs! Where the hell did they come from?!) before I post them to my mate up north. Lol they are so cute. (The arm warmers, not the ribs. the ribs are just creepy. I haven't seen them since I was 10) The pink wool was variegated so it looks like I did stripes and patterns without trying :D Next will be a scarf for my Niece and then some arm warmers for me in the variegated purple wool.

Wry, knitting is addictive!! Why didn't you warn me?!

Hmm I know I have work, but a list for tomorrow is:
[ ] Study after Work
[ ] No swearing where customers can hear
[ ] Finish up Arm Warmers

Saturday = The Monday of my week.

Have an amazing Sexy Skinny Bitch weekend!

~Peri

Ukemi - Thats how I roll.

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