i gave up everything I had to come here.

And all I did was marry the American version of my mother.

~Peri

Humanity can go rot

 Trying to figure out the most terrifying point in my life and I can't quite parse it.

The first time I went through American Border Security?

When Mum threw me out in my stocking feet and I walked to Grandpa's panicking the whole way, thinking  that every vehicle I heard was her come to kill me until I saw it wasn't?

Being the Submissive in a Scene and realising neither Dom would respect my Safeword with no way else to back out?

15,000km from home, no support group, no friends, the only advantage I have is that unlike expats from other countries I can believe that my loved ones are as safe as Before Now.

Willingly choking on 30+ years of accumulated PTSD, walking into a Hospital for my first shift as a healthcare worker during a global pandemic.

(I regularly passed out within 5-10mins of entering a hospital from age 5-24)

I'm probably never going home again. I'll never see Glamour Nana and Granda alive again.

That's been hard to deal with.

I've missed all BNephew's christmases and Bdays.

We haven't had a proper wedding celebration anywhere, and our 'first honeymoon' was when we both got isolated with the fucking 2019 SARS during the second wave here.

I didn't feel hunger for four months after the main symptoms passed.

I should have taken advantage of it, but something in me is too stubborn to die.

I can't go home.

I'm simultaneously more trapped and freer than I have ever been in my life.

Yesterday my wife noticed I don't have boob overspill in my sports bra anymore.

Of-fucking-course that's the first thing that she'd notice.

I've only lost about 2kg total.

 Don't know the fat:muscle ratio, can't figure out how to make the scale do that.

I need to figure out an exercise plan to replace what I was doing wrt strength+cardio while picking orders.

My hair is so much thicker than it was when I moved here. Some of the greys came back in brown, some of the browns went grey. I don't care anymore.

I'm so, so tired.

~Peri