My Spaz Quotient Is:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

. . . Yeah, I'm fucked up.

Wtf? I got high schizo but LOW antisocial?! o.O I would have picked it the other way, honestly. Lol, Wal agrees with the Paranoia rating. I was very bad for it at high school. I couldn't tell if people were joking with me or joking at my expense.

In other news, HOLY SHIT THE DROUGHT IS OVER!! Gee, Herald, I would never have guessed! Thank you for your cutting-edge journalism. *Eyeroll*

Mina (And all other German pretties who may happen to read this), this is for you!

This morning I weighed in at a WHOPPING 59.3kg. I nearly fell over in shock. I didn't think I'd gained that much over the weekend. I always tend to gain a bit, since I tend to eat a pile of stodge and fail to take in enough fiber to push it all out again. I've gotten sick of seeing the weekly bouncing on my Fitday graph. I still weigh myself daily, but now I only enter my weight on Wednesdays. It seems to be long enough to even out the weekend wobbly.

Ate dinner out with Miles tonight. Curry and coffee. Wonder what damage THAT will do?

Still stewing over being paranoid. Damn that sounds silly!

Ok, so I'm going to knit and pretend I don't think you're peeking through the gap in the curtains and snickering at my fat ass ;)

~Peri

Award Time

So, some lovely people have gifted me with this award:

I do believe I am supposed to post 7 things you don't know about me, and pass it on to another 7. (Ooooh who needs to dish the dirty?)


So, what the hell don't you know about me by now??

1)I went to the 'Bad Primary School'. The one that took in the kids who were expelled from all the other schools. I made more friends among the teachers than I did people my own age.

2)When I was little I always wanted just enough boobs to fill a coconut-shell bra. Imagine my annoyance when they didn't stop growing!

3)I have nightmares about the chest-bursters from the alien movies. (Those things TERRIFY me!)

4)I'm a soprano. I prefer musicals, but can do jazzy-type songs too. The songs I find easiest to sing are those written for boy sopranos o.O

5)Saying the word 'Nubbin' can make me giggle hysterically while straight and sober.

6)Get me drunk enough and I will speak nothing but Japanese. Really bad Japanese that makes me sound like a hardened muff-diver.

7)I've lost all my various orifice-virginities. I know which ones I prefer.


Just HAD to leave you with some TMI ;)


Ok so how in hell do I pick just 7 people? AAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!

Fuck, here goes. I want to give it to everyone, but so be it.

1) Kemper. One of the few pixies who still blogs. She is awesome and far too hard on herself. GO tell her how awesome she is. (She is also incredibly pretty. *Is jealous*)

2) Salix. Another Pixie who has put up with my insanity for far too long :p I'm hoping she is wallowing in sweaty sheets with D. She deserves!

3) Sophia Ruins. This girl is so many kinds of amazing. Her writing is amusing, no matter how much shit she goes through. I wish I had an iota of her strength.

4) Odie. Brave and funny in the face of hell.

5) Anise. Writes like a dream-wraith and has some beautiful kitties.

6) Pretty. I want to wrap her in a big fluffy blanket and do unspeakable things to her ;) Another amazing lady.

7) Aube-Manon LDG Roku. Yes, I invented a new name to call you, sweetheart :) Dawn Star Six. Roku is awesome, her words always brighten my day.

If you weren't on there, I wanted you to be. This is what happens after three days, 8 hours of sleep, 16 hours of work and a few gulps of a hot toddy. I saw blue sky today and confirmed with my own eyes that the sun still exists. It is no longer raining.

That is good.

~Peri

Rinsed Enough. Do Not Want Repeat, Kthnx

Well. We here in the soggy south are now almost totally cut off by flooding and slips. The highway north to Oamaru is closed, with a 6.5 hour detour available through Alexandra. South through Milton is impassable. Wheeee!



(Except I'm more like a beluga.)

The Boy was late to work this morning. At his new flat (One road over from me and lower on the hill) there is a stream that is supposed to run under the property. It is now running over ground and was literally inches from the back door. I'm torn between horror and amusement. (I'm a sick, sick puppy.)

What can I say? Barely slept, coughing up fewer lung chunks than yesterday, work was ass, weather is shit. Blah blah blah.




The end.

~Peri

Drip, Drip, Hey!

It is still raining, and the wind looks like it's slowed a little bit. It's single-digits Celsius outside, and there is snow on Mt.Cargill. Bleh! I got completely soaked handing in my essay and going to the supermarket. I stocked up and got more multivits and some muscle soak. God I've been wanting some of that stuff for AGES!!!

I made a very pleasant discovery today. It seems that Studylink has FINALLY decided to start paying me again, and they gave me back pay! :D :D :D :D I instantly threw $140-odd into savings. I've learned my lesson over the last few weeks :3

The Physio Lady isn't happy with me. She counted up the number of times I've been to the gym in the last two months. 3 times last month, 4 times this month. I am deeply ashamed. She is angry because I'd made such good progress and I'm letting myself backslide. Being hyperflexible, I need to keep my muscles strong or my body will lay down more bone. My own body will give itself arthritis in an attempt to get the skeleton to do what the muscles should be doing. I've been a fat, depressive lump hiding in the house and attempting to restrict. Well, no more. Wal and I are up to the 4th season of Voyager, with the incredibly inspirational and eminently shaggable Jeri Ryan as Seven of Nine. I am quite literally paralyzed with admiration and lust whenever she is in shot.

Observe:




Her collarbones and hipbones are visible through her costume. Her figure is amazing, waist and legs and arms perfect.

I want to be like that. I will be like that. I will be a lean mean dancing and fighting circus machine.

First step: Get over this sodding cough so I can get back to the gym on Tuesday.

OUS!

~Peri

Rain, Rain, GO AWAY!

Some pretty flood pictures c/o TVNZ for you.

North Otago:



Oamaru:




Kakanui:


Years like these are the reasons we have "flood-free" highways along the Taieri Plains! (The Taieri River and the Silver Stream can be pretty nasty when they put their minds to it)

The Army even got their rocks off pitching in on evacuations today. Who wants a Unimog ride?

I saw the surface flooding around University yesterday, so today I stayed at home. Tomorrow I must venture out, no matter how soggy it is or how many phlegm balls I'm still coughing up.

Some idiots have (Predictably) been trying to surf the standing wave the appears in The Waters Of The Leith when it runs high.

Roads are still closed, evacuation potential is still there, and we are forecast to have snow to low levels tonight.

Fucking fantastic. Last week farmers were facing drought conditions. Now they could run fish on their paddocks!

I spent the day watching the rain and bingeing my ass into phenomenal proportions. Fat floats, right? At this rate my flatmates will be able to throw me into the lake at the bottom of the street and paddle me to Uni.

All aboard Peri the Fatboat!

*Toot toot*

~Peri

Post-Midnight Philosophy

Something just struck me as really strange.

There is a saying the floats around, held as a mantra by people who want eating disorders and as a bitter irony by those with eating disorders.

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"

Seriously, what the shit is going on there?!

Wanarexics use it to try to stop eating. They crave with all their souls to be insane, they want to give up anything approaching a normal life for this thing they assume will bring happiness.

Eating-Disordered use it when they see someone eating something that they long with all their soul they could allow themselves to eat. Some twisted way to make themselves feel superior on their way to feeding tubes and forced bed rest.

Ok, so what does thin actually feel like? I don't know about you, but any time I've "felt" thin it was a fleeting vicarious sensation, quickly lost. That is a joyful hand of madness playing merry cob in your brain. So let us take another tack then. What does "Thin" feel like physically?

Nausea, faintness, joint and muscle aches, dizziness, eternal cold, catching every single fucking cough and cold, blurry eyes and impaired memory function.

That's just me. I've never landed in hospital and experienced the joy of being held down and having a forcible Naso-Gastric tube insertion. I don't vomit to purge calories and my bone density is fine since I'm still menstruating. Since I haven't had a critically low weight my heart and brain are still their normal size. (I hope) You'll have to ask others about the rest of it.

So yeah, it doesn't feel so great on the whole. I'm pretty damn sure the first cake my Niece will make will taste a damn sight better than any of this will ever feel. It will certainly taste better than Ensure or copious buckets of vomit.

I have a new billboard for the Tui guys.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels? Yeah right!

~Peri

My Cardio Playlist

Warriors - Ronan Hardiman
Dirty Diamonds - Alice Cooper
Shut Me Up - Mindless Self Indulgence
Buck Dich - Rammstein
Links 234 - Rammstein
Fever Frei! - Rammstein
Moskau - Rammstein
I Don't Wanna Stop - Ozzy Osbourne
Pump It - Black Eyed Peas
Keeps Gettin' Better - Christina Aguilera
Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
Bodies - Drowning Pool
Dragula - Rob Zombie
Break Stuff - Limp Bizkit
Jai Ho - Pussycat Dolls
Intermission - Panic At The Disco
Mobscene - Marilyn Manson
Hook Me Up - The Veronicas
Untouched - The Veronicas
Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
Wish I Had An Angel - Nightwish
Smack My Bitch Up - Prodigy
Firestarter - Prodigy


Any suggestions for additions?

~Peri

Pig Pig Pig. Fat Boring Pig.

I have nothing to talk about.

My days have been filled with watching Star Trek Voyager, knitting, covert exercising and FaceBook games.

Yeah, Blog-worthy stuff.

Vinushka gave me an award I don't deserve. I shall have to find the criteria and pass it on to others.

Tonight at dinner I ate so much I nearly vomited all over the restaurant. If I'd had 30seconds between finishing dessert and Miles dragging me out I would have run to the toilets. Sadly, I don't know where the toilets are in that restaurant. I had to keep the food.

Part of that massive gorge-fest was caused by Dad constantly harping on about how 'You always order that here, and you never finish it'. Tosser. I had a MASSIVE plate of nachos with beans, mince, salsa, chips and sour cream. I followed it with a chocolate Sundae. I'm such a pig.

Time for some exercise. Lots and lots of exercise.

~Peri

Why?!?

Please excuse me while I go barf up everything I've ever eaten.

Scatological Humour

Well, the weightloss has stopped temporarily. Between work and a few other factors I couldn't keep up the routine that was allowing it. I was eating healthy, nutrient-dense food every 3-4 hours to keep my metabolism ticking, getting plenty of fiber from apples and broccoli to keep on pooping (Sing that with a Dory voice from Finding Nemo. Just keep pooping, just keep pooping XD), exercising in some for for atleast 45mins every day, and keeping my calories at 1600-1900. My BMR is about 2300cals (According to FitDay), so that gave me a very pretty deficit :D

Dolly has acquired a new job! It's an entry-level office job in her preferred industry. It's only temporary, a 3-4 month contract to help rearrange the filing system. HOWEVER she is making the contacts to get her career started. On Friday night she bought one of her new office mates home for drinks. They kept me up till 2am, but they compensated me with wine and Doritos. (My crack cocaine in corn chip form) So yeah, chips+booze=retained water. FUCK YOOOOOOU DORITOS YOU TASTY SALTY CALORIFIC BASTARDS!!!

Working in the cold Deli on 4 hours sleep allowed this bug to fuck me over. They were NOT happy when I called in sick this morning. Dobby answered the phone, and I heard her talking to The Boss before handing the phone over to her. I don't know what she said to her, but man was she pissed. Fuck them, I would have been worse than useless. I'll wank on about how crappy I feel tomorrow if I'm still this shitty. Lol, Miles has been very cuddly. I hope I don't give this to him! He is such an amazing boyfriend. How on earth did I get that lucky??

Alice's blog (Zoete Narcissen) has disappeared. I don't know why. Honey, if you're still hanging around the Blogosphere, please let me know what happened, ok?

~Peri

Sweet Devil's Got My Soul

I have a confession to make.

I am hopelessly addicted to Facebooks games.

Hi, my name is Peri and I'm addicted to Hotel City, Treasure Isle and FishVille, among others.

Oh! And Word Challenge! Better not forget that one. Slowly improving my vocabulary again ^.^

Last night I got stoned and exercised. Tonight I'm drinking wine and knitting while looking for Thinspo and triggering myself via Youtube. (Oh yeah, and playing FaceBook games!) I've dropped 200-300 grams a day for the last two days. The broccoli and extra-strong plunger coffee sorted my sphincter this morning (Yesssss!) so I'm all go for weighing in before work tomorrow. (Still shit scared I'm gonna gain before now and then. Lots of green tea and go slooooowly on the bubbly)

Mum's birthday dinner on Monday night. We are going to a Tavern that does EPIC nachos. I always order them. Oh fuuuuuuuuuuck. Miles is coming. I'm going to spend all weekend psyching myself up for this.

I'm pretending to take proper swallows of this nasty cheap wine, while really I'm only allowing a bit to trickle over my tongue. There is a reason I stick to spirits. The TASTE people, the TASTE! *Shudders* This shit is vile. My poor taste buds are screaming out for mercy.

Time for more tea. Work in 11hours 120mins.

Arohanui, wonderful gorgeous reader people.

~Peri

Ramblations

Today I had a great deal fo fun yelling at the TV while we watched Parliament read out the Budget. John Key turned the cbinet into a fucking circus before leaving to avoid listening to any of the other parties' speaches.

TOSSER!!!

That is going to shaft me right royally, khnxbai. I have realized that there is no chance or hope of last-resort aid of any form if I truly end up at rock bottom. (Say shoved in a loony bin, horrible accident, made redundant etc)

So, I am going to treat life like a game. More precisely, I will start treating my money in reality the way I treat the in-game currency of games like HorseIsle. I will throw anything extra I have into savings. If it's $30, cool. $100, sweet! This week was $6. It's better than nothing. Every little bit counts. That will be my driving thought. The motto spurring me on to put the money where it will accumulate interest and not leave it in my account as a binge-food temptation.

I used to be a champion saver. What the hell happened?!

I came out $3 under what I'd budgeted for food shopping this week. I have lots of broccoli and apples, since they were disgustingly cheap. I have eggs and baked beans, orange juice and muffin splits. The temptation to spend that $3 on bulk bin candy is enormous. I'll use it to pay off my library fines or buy something totally unrelated to food. Maybe start my face painting kit?

I confuse myself. I'm deathly scared of the calories in a 250ml glass of orange juice, but will think nothing of blowing a good day out of the water with an assload of empty candy calories.

Seriously, brain. What the FUCK?

Oh, I should have realized by now that logic has no place in the head of a lunatic. Beg pardon, I'll go stare mournfully at my vodka and Kahlua and wish that Miles had bought diet coke instead of full-sugar. (I force myself to drink the orange juice for the Vitamin C. It's shitloads cheaper than supplements and makes Dolly jealous ^.^)

Miles is incredibly touched by the scarf. Sure it's only 5 inches long, but he said nobody has ever done something like this for him before. What kind of useless bitches has he been dating? (Lol, I do know what kind, actually. His ex hooked up with my ex while they were dating. So she cheated on Miles with a hot guy, and the said Hot Ex cheated on a Smokin' HAWT chick (NOT ME He was not going out with me at that time) with a fugly little midget. Miles was glad of the excuse to finally dump her.)

Yeeeeah, I'm all over the place. I'm coming down with a cold, so I didn't go to the gym today in hopes of NOT GETTING SICK. I'm climbing the walls now, naturally. Boing boing boing.

AAAAHHHHHH I'm going to stop talking shit now.

*Mwah*

~Peri

One Week On. Reality Status: ?

One week, and I'm still here. Things do become blurred at times. I wake up from a dream in which he is still alive and his death as the horrible dream.

(Right-click and open in a new tab. RIGHT NOW.)
I know so well what he'd be doing at any given moment that I can conjure his shade with a thought. Am I going mad? Sometimes I am numb, sometimes I cannnot see for tears.

His basket sits beside me with my knitting in it. His teeth marks adorn both the needles and the handle of the basket. He must have been real. The photos cannot lie, can they? *LALALALANOTTHINKINGABOUTPHOTOSHOPLALALALALAAAA* Well, ok, so they can. But this physical evidence is here, so he must have been, too.

As reality blurs, I must prove that I am here. Nobody pays attention until you fuck up, so:
-I weighed 59.2kh this morning.
-I have been unable to shit for several days.
-I have $46 left after paying rent and gym membership.
-I have to bum petrol money and motorbike servicing money off my parents.
-I disappeared in the middle of a group assignment.
-I am going to sit back and KNOWINGLY let myself fail ENGL128. (Knowing what I know now, if you give me a choice between sitting ENGL128 again and performing an appendectomy on myself with a rusty spork, I'd go scrub up for the surgery.)


Now for some photographic evidence:


That is my first ever backstage pass. With a little luck and lots of energy drinks I may acquire another this weekend. . .


White paint does weird things to your face. Note the stylish horns made from kitchen sponge


Here is a better view of them.


A scarf I am knitting for the Hotness, to keep him warm this winter. That photo was taken last night, it is twice as big now.


Jaq bought this stuffed goggeh at the Gypsy Fair a few years ago. She didn't know why she bought it, she just knew that she HAD to have it. That night she had a dream that she gave it to me hen I was sad. I received it in a puddle of tears last week. It has slept on my bed ever since.

A whole week. Tonight I shall bury myself in the eternal unthinking now of physical exertion. I will think about mastering the next trick, the next move, the next variation on a spin.

Must get that fucking one-handed ticktock on the left hand. It's bugging the hell out of me.

~Peri

Twice The Fail, Four Times The Misanthropy.

OMG. WHAT A TARD.

How the hell does a little shemale thing like this get a job?! Oh, yeah. The hormone levels of pubescent females. Shit, I'm pretty sure The Backstreet Boys could read.


Oh, I'm sorry. Are you so fucking RE-TAR-DED that you cannot recognize that someone may be speaking English with a foreign accent? The world does not end at the borders of the USA, asshole.

NB: 'Retarded', while being a word, DOES NOT MEAN FUNNY.

Observe.

People like these are the reason people like me pray for the annihilation of the human race. How the hell do they manage to walk and breathe at the same time?!

What some may not have realized: I'm not racist; I hate everyone equally. How could I grow up in an officially trilingual society of slightly over 4 million people and more ethnicities than I care to count and retain a morbid fear/hatred of any one who doesn't happen to share my skin colour? (Here is a tip: Peel off the skin, we're all the same underneath)

So kua haere au, mofos. Try expanding your horizons a little before spouting off on YouTube like some ignorant yokel from the back of nowhere. Give your brain cells a little exercise before they commit suicide from boredom.

~Peri

Now An Official Freak!

The last few days have been, well, interesting.

I discovered on Friday that I had no money in my bank account. In fact, I was nearly $16 overdrawn. This is next to impossible, as I have no overdraft! (Nor do I want one, Kthnx Westpac) It turns out that Studylink decided that last week was the week to cut my Living Costs payments. Thank GOD the rent came out! That was what overdrew me, apparently. Bleh, there does the paltry $20 I had in savings! (Also, yay! No food shopping this week! I spent all my money on binge food and wool)

So this morning I miss part of the Japanese lecture to go to Student Disability Services so they can explain the Limited Full Time Study papers in nice small words for me. Seriously, you have no idea how retarded I feel when I walk into that building on my own two feet. I don't have a stick or a dog, I'm not in a wheelchair, I'm quite obviously not a Thalidomide baby. So what the hell am I doing in the Student Disabilities Services building?! Oh, that's right. I'm a nutter who tries to kill herself on a regular basis. Step back folks, this shit is contagious. (That last sentence was a shitty example of sarcasm.)

I spent the entire weekend with Miles. I even went out to the airport with him yesterday to pick up his Mum. On Saturday we watched movies at his Mum's place all day. Her house is down the harbour and has amazing view of Goat Island and Quarantine Island. There is a very amusing story about how Goat Island acquired it's name. The Navy put 12 goats on the island a long while back to use as target practice. When they'd finished with them there were 13 goats. One of them had given birth during the, erm, bombardment? Epic fail on the part of the Navy, no? (Of course, I'm not sure of exactly when this happened)

On Saturday night Miles dragged me along to Sammy's. (Sammy's is a local entertainment venue) He was performing with Highly Flammable for the graduation ball, and I volunteered for fireblanket duty/general gofer-ing. I ended up in white&blue face paint with sponge horns on my forehead. I helped a few people with face/body painting and costuming. Did you know it's damn near impossible to put on a crinoline cover by yourself? I got to guard the girl in the female 'Victorians' costume. Drunk guys have a habit of trying to climb under her costume, which is a very bad idea if the girl in question is up on stilts. . .

Second from left, that is the costume/skirt I mean being worn at a gig last year.

I have discovered that I derive quite a large amount of satisfaction from slapping drunken fucktards. A level of satisfaction the borders on UnHoly Glee ^.^ It is so many kinds of greatness and fun.

I also debuted as a Fire Performer and drank a large amount of ginger wine. There were sleep-ins and mindblowing sex. There were no hangovers on my part, but I could most definitely do with an early night tonight.

Love you all, I hope your weekends resulted in friendlier scales this morning than mine did! :x

~Peri

P.S
Ok, since I'm not photo-worthy*, here is Miles from the first Graduation Party at Sammy's. Innee kyoot?

*(Man am I feeling pissed off about that! I didn't even get a thank you. Admittedly, I didn't do it for the thanks, but it is irritating to be the ONLY ONE left out of the text/FB thanks loop. Next time, I think I'm going to spend my weekend off getting completely trashed and enjoying myself, Kthnxbai *Fumes*)

Quantum Physics

My inside has stopped. The well has metamorphosed into a singularity. There is a black hole behind my sternum. Watch out! It shall be I, not the LHC that destroys the earth. It sucks all of me in, and I suck in the Doritos and ANZAC bikkies. My body sucks in the water to balance out the salt, lest it poison me. Fuck that, I WANT it to poison me. Desire is gone, safety net is gone. I do not know how far I will fall, nor where I will land if indeed landing is still possible. Time to explode in a glorious fireworks display of self-destruction. First target. Should it be the liver or the tonsils?

~Peri

Take That!

Created by Oatmeal

Oatmeal is my new distraction. He keeps me away from the medicine cabinet and the knife block.
*loves*



Oh, this is rank. This is duly noted for all future T-Rex breeding projects. Obviously turning them into crack-whores isn't a good method of keeping them obedient.

This is helpful. So is this and this. <--EVERYONE MUST READ THESE, NO EXCEPTIONS. Read, learn and UTILIZE FFS!

Ok, time to lie in bed and hug a pillow. Too much internet for one day.

Love you!

~Peri

Empty, Blank, Brokenheart

Thank you for your love and sympathy for Ink. We buried him last night at Mum's house. He is wrapped in his polar fleece with his first collar and his favourite mousie beside him. Hotness dug a hole beside the yellow rose, in a sunny corner. Tomorrow I'm going to find a beach stone to paint up for a grave marker. Second Beach has tonnes of nice round basalt stones. I should hopefully find something suitable.

It pissed with rain all night. I lay there, listening to the rain on the roof and Miles snoring softly. Waiting for the 'Prrrt?' that will I will never ever hear again. Maybe I can bribe Dolly to sneak into my room at 2am to drop wet leaves on my face? I have plenty of chocolate and booze now.

I can see Ink everywhere. He lives so vividly in my memory. Then it hits again, and I cry until my head is pounding and my eyes feel like raisins. I'll never hold him or see him again. I've adapted the same way I did when Grandad died. ("He's dead, he's gone, he's not coming back. What else is there to understand?") This means I'll cry about it for the next 20-odd years.

Funny, it's almost exactly 20 years since Grandad died. I'm not sure exactly when he did, your memory for dates is kinda fuzzy at 3 1/2. Not so at 23 1/2. November 2008->12th May 2010. Squeaky wasn't even two.

Sleep well, baby.

~Peri

RIP Ink

I just got home from my morning class. Ink was lying beside the stairs. He was dead. He is still warm and floppy. No heartbeat, eyes wide, bleeding from his nose. I can't stop crying. It still hasn't hit me in my heart. God I ant him back so bad.

You were my life, baby. You kept me alive when nothing else could. I love you more than anything. You were my life. My heart. My joy.

Goodbye.




You sat on my washing just last night, daring me to take your cushion from you.

I have curled you up like this, with your first collar and your favorite toy. The blue mousie you liked to dunk in your water bowl and play fetch with.


He lies in a bundle of green polar fleece on my bedroom floor. I don't know where to bury him. Nowhere seems right.

Kill me please. Take me and bring him back.

Dreaming One Autumn Tuesday

I am attempting to re-light my fire. trying to force the motivation to get up, get off the couch, go to class, do the homework, apply for various paper crutches. I'm getting there, slowly. The effort of will needed to counteract this suffocation is like trying to lift an APC off your lower body with two broken arms.

I can't even summon the energy to get pissed off at writing horrible, whiny trash. I therefore avoid mentioning the subject altogether. Disgusting, isn't it?

I am finding it incredibly easy to eat like a normal person at the moment. This means the numbers on my scales are going upupup. I'm not yet back over 60kg, thank god. The horror at this increase is distant, separated from me by a thick layer of dust. The depression troll eats my ability to give a shit about anything. Seriously, chop my foot off right now and see what I'd do. Normally I'd chop yours off at the neck, but right now I'd shrug and go 'Meh'.

I need to start saving money. Metallica is actually coming to New Zealand. I'll need an assload of money to get to Auckland and back. Should I fly, or make a truly E-P-I-C motorbike mission on my wee 250cc baby? I'd better Google ticket prices while I'm at it. . .

Ah, Scribe. Not many (if any) from our little pacific rock have made it so far. Listen to this wise man, he speaks words of truth.


. . . My vision to be living life to the full
And I wouldn't of made it if wasn't for you
You picked me up everytime that I fell . . .

<3

~Peri

Oh Yeah. . .

This is supposed to be New Zealand Music Month, in New Zealand at least.



From the Buddhafinger album. Enjoy!

~Peri

Puddings And Demons

My bones are lead. Heavy, weighted. Soft and breakable. They bend under the slightest pressure. They surround the gaping hole in my middle. A dry well that goes downdowndown. There is no bottom. It has it's own gravity, awful.

The hardest thing today was getting out of bed. It was go warm and cozy there. There were blankets and a kitty and it was dark and comfortable.

Time at work was behaving horribly. It felt like being encased in cold pudding. Gelid and freezing. 5 minutes dragged like half a day, and then ~slip!~ there goes an hour. During the last 3/4 of an hour the pudding froze solid around my throat in an attempt to choke me. I just couldn't wait to be out of there.

The desire to lie down and stop breathing is overwhelming.

This it not Miranda, there is no "Pax" in the air. It is inside me, a demon crouching on my brainpan, cackling and tearing up great hunks of self-worth and desire to live and crushing them to sticky, oozing mush with it's horny hands.

The demon is me.

~Peri

(Pardon the title pun, the fish department guys started it. They came over with a tail-less flounder and said they'd have to send it back to the retailer. There is something fishy going on there, don't you think?)

Sapiens? Really?

There is no clarity. Everything is deviousness and underhanded dealings. Even here I do not have to be clear, as this is writing for me, where structure is not imposed and the results are not graded. I can be as obtuse as I like, for I write to please nobody but myself.

Nobody's motives are clear. Every single human wants everything to go according to their own greatest utility. All the benefit, no work. We are an innately selfish species. As long as something is not directly impinging on us, we do not care. We do nothing. "Out of sight, out of mind" after all. . .

Why do you think we have poisoned our planet? This is the only place we know for sure can support life at all, let alone us. We simply refuse to internalize the cost of nuclear waste, of carbon monoxide, of plastics and toxic sludge. We are a people who would rather toss our cigarette butts on the sidewalk than hold onto it until we reach that rubbish bin. We would rather leave that wrapper on the ground than risk weird looks from picking it up.

Fear has been introduced into our lives. Instead of comforting the crying child, asking what is wrong, we look aside and hurry on by. We are afraid that someone will think we are going to abuse, to molest and kidnap. We invent any reason we can not to look at the people pushing shopping carts and living under bridges, as long as our life is comfortable. We do no right, and so do wrong.

We need to think for ourselves, and be honest about what we see. Cut through this fog. Open your eyes, wake up.

~Peri

Fuck My Brain

I just want to be normal.


It's too much to ask.


It always leaves. Rational though slides away, sneaks out my ear and bolts through the window when I'm not looking. It makes me angry. I want it to some back. Kicking and screaming does no good. I can't even tell when people are just taking the piss any more.


Why make plans for the future if you don't think you'll carry them out? Why have long-term goals if you do not think you will make it to the end of the year?


I can't see myself graduating, because I most likely won't make it to my birthday. I don't know what I want to do with my life, because I don't want one.


I want to give it back. Lady, why didn't you give it to someone who deserves it? I'm a waste of space. A chronic underachiever. I sit here in this chair and stagnate while the sun shines outside. I had joy, I had things I enjoyed, I had a brain that worked. It's all gone now. Flown.


I want to lie down and give up.





~Peri

I want out.

Quicksand Pulling Down

Head-wise, today was a bad day. I'm just not good enough. Never good enough. Can't do anything right.

I lost 1kg. I drafted my Japanese essay. I left the house twice. I went to my Japanese lecture. I got to kiss a really hot chick. I played with fire poi while people watched.

I didn't go to English. I ate too much ice cream. I take up too much space. Had too many calories. Didn't exercise enough. I waste resources. I eateateat but am never full. Always empty. Always hollow. Always useless.

I think Miles is angry with me for something. I don't know what. He didn't stay tonight. Is it me? Is it Irma? Is he only with me for sex? Does he even give a shit? Maybe he is looking for a way to end it. Maybe I should end it before he does.

One less reason to stay here.

I don't want to stay any more. I have no goals, no long term plans. I don't want to study any more, but there is nothing I want to do. I mean that. NOTHING. There are offers, an email in my inbox for student exchange, invitations to travel. I'm comfortable in my rut with my cat and my gym membership, University providing some illusion of direction. I've already rotted here, no need to wait on burying me.

What the fuck is WRONG with me? Hy the hell does my brain do this? Why can't I just be NORMAL? Why don't I just DIE? I don't have the energy to fight any more. I don't even have the energy to sharpen a knife and run a bath.

I will make a cup of tea. I will play the ReLoad album. I will sleep in tomorrow. Or not.

Damn I'm tired.

~Peri

Tuesday's Mermaid Was Wasted Space

Today was a total waste.

59.1kg. FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!

This afternoon I packed up my saddlebags and went to G-Meister's house. Dress and shoe selection took 10 minutes. She spent the next half an hour literally wrestling the contacts into my eyes while I sat on the cold floor trying to breathe around the paralyzing fear. Once the horrible things were in she sat me down and attacked me with eyeshadow and other unspeakable feminine war paints.

I rode the bus into town to meet the other photographer chick with garish whorelike makeup. Why does makeup have to be vivid to show up properly?

We met the other girl at a pole dancing studio in town. There was a misunderstanding, and she had a panic attack. She has done at least 5 hours training in the last 2 days for her upcoming dance exam. It was a bit too much for her, so G-Meister and I went to get gelato and wait for her fiancée to finish work.

Yup, gelato. In the middle of a fancy cafe in the shiny new mall, in a blue silk dress with matching hair and eyes. Contacts IN but no photos. I'm still in shock over the whole contact lenses thing. Numb and exhausted. G-Meister said we will try again when she has easy access to a car and a camera. This will be in a few weeks when I get my regrowth bleached.

What a waste of a day.

At least I got some homework done.

~Peri

No Power In The Verse Can Stop Me

Ok, there have been hiccups on this fresh start. Put them in the past and move on. Everyone wobbles and falls when learning to ride a bike. Get back up and keep on going.

Overslept, got to class late, walked in in the middle of a test I didn't know we were having. Aaaaah fuck. I got 10/10 for my essay, which was good. Some of the shine came off when the lecturer intimated that everyone got at least 8, and his average was 9. *Sarcastic jumping for joy*

Still. 10/10. I haven't seen a mark that good in a while!

My girl G, the model/photographer, (I'll call her G-Meister) forget about today. We put it off to tomorrow. I got a special dispensation from her to wash my hair :D God it was feeling nasty. Looked nice and blue, but it felt so greasy and nasty. God I hope we can get this out of the way soon. I would honestly rather eat a live tarantula than put contacts in. (Have I said that already? Well it's true)

Lol, a completely unlooked-for modelling opportunity, and I'd rather consume big hairy arachnids than leap on it squealing with joy.

Have I ever told you that I'm fucking crazy?

I also place no value on movie stars unless they are doing their jobs. Why the hell do we fawn on pop stars who can't even make decent music? Why do those trashy magazines full of shitty paparazzi shots sell so well? It's all in our ape-brains that are programmed to stare a socially dominant individuals. It's sad really. We are running on instincts that are out of date for our surroundings. We have created a world for ourselves that is comfortable physically, and we pay for it with mental disturbance. Look around. These are not our natural surroundings.

~Peri

Reboot!

Oh dear god, I was a whiny little bitch last night, wasn't I? At least I could identify the reasons behind it and didn't end up having a full-on emofest.

I was standing in the kitchen waiting for the jug to finish boiling. Wal as watching some shitty vampire movie in the lounge. (The lounge and kitchen here are one massive room) Suddenly Wal looked past me at the kitchen window and says "Huh, it seems we have a stalker" I turned around to see what he was talking about, thinking he was looking at the stray cat. I saw darkness with a pair of white hands a pale man's face pressed against the glass. Holy crap did I scream like a little girl!

It was Miles, being a dick >.< He'd come back from the Samhain Rave. Some drunk 17-year-old was stalking him around the party site with a cigarette hanging out her gob. (Who is the delinquent cunt who was buying the booze and ciggs for her?!) Yeah hun, you are as subtle as a bitch on heat and you smell like an ashtray. I got lots of hugs last night, and today he gave me a ride to and from work. this guys is so many kind of amazing, I wish Eddie would STFU with the mind-fucking me. Ooooh, you guys are AMAZING!! I made him check the views for The Fabricator's Doll before I went to work. His reaction was one of pure shock and delight. I want to tacklehug you and squee loudly in your ears :p I read him your comments, and he loved them :D

Tomorrow is going to be very busy. 3 hours of class, mermaid photo thing and sodding group assignment. I haven't been on the scales all weekend, thanks to Irma. Fuck it's going to be awful tomorrow.

It's a new week, a new month, a new start.

Let's fuck this puppy.

~Peri

The Fabricator's Doll

v48Hour Film Festival 2010. Scary, funny, awesome. Won Audience choice! :D If it gets a lot of views, Hotness and his teams get prizes. Watch it for an experience of Kiwi English :p

Happy Samhain?

I'm gonna have a whine.

Today has sucked balls. Got to work late, as usual. Boss Lady was orking with food poisoning, since there was nobody to do her shife. Tweedle Rum has recovered from her tosspot partner shoving her off the balcony, so she as there too. Then New Girl called in sick, second week in a row. LAZY FUCKING WHORE. So that was a shitpile, even though it wasn't too busy.

Guess who came to work with me?

Irma, and she bought her pet ferrets. They tried their best to tear my insides apart with cramps of DOOM. I'm going on 10 hours of ouch now. It's not quite pass-out pain yet. It's still at the chills and nausea stage. I just want to sleep. Lots of shitty food and cups of tea.

Right now Miles is at the Samhain Rave out at a beach somewhere. He is having fun, dancing, fire-breathing and probably doing a bunch of random drugs. There are girls going who I definitely don't trust. I'm not sure if I trust him. To be honest, I don't trust any good-looking guy to be faithful. Especially if they greet and farewell every female acquaintance with a hug. I want to trust him, though. I need to trust him or I will go mad.

I'm tired and sore, which is making me depressed and mopey. He may come back here tonight, he may not. He left his Magic cards here. I hope he does, but I don't want to ruin his night. I didn't go because It would be cold and I feel like shit.

He just sent me a text. "Wish you were here! Xoxo"

I think I'm going to go hide under the blankets and cry. Then see about working off some of this fat. I'm going to be bloated on Monday, thanks to Irma. I'll be like the creature from the blue lagoon. Fat and bloating, what a charming combination.

Enough moaning. I'll take my self-pity and emo-ness elsewhere.

~Peri