Posting For The Sake Of It

Ugh, I did it AGAIN!!

Stayed up far too late last night and slept in. *Beats head against wall* Gunner talked me into running to class so I only missed 10mins of Tolkien's life history. Lol, found out some really interesting shit though. The Ents were created because Tolkien disliked Shakespeare and decided he wanted to one day create a world in which the trees really did march to war.

It turns out Otago DOES have a good point after all. (Or at least something I'd consider good) It turns out one of Tolkien's tutors at University in England was an Otago graduate. That actually makes me feel better about studying here.

Yesterday was a 'Fun With Side-Effects' day, since I spent Friday and Saturday dicking around with my dosage. I'm slowly pulling myself together into the semblance of a functional human being again. My house is vacuumed, washing dry and bike re-registered.

It's a good thing I sorted the reggo today. When I got home I discovered that my bike had used the insane winds to do a sort of Aliens-esque strip tease with the bike cover. The bloody thing has split in half up the middle! Fucking hate living in places with no garages.

I swear the lady who processed my reggo was bulimic. Nicks and calluses all over her fingers, plasters; the works. Skinny as sin, lank dyed hair. Rail-thin arms and birds-claw hands with full round cheeks and suspicious swellings under her jawline. Assload of makeup. Bundled up with a microfleece jacket over her uniform when it wasn't cold today. Incredibly dismissive and rude to anyone even slightly overweight in line.

Sorry, you thought you could hide? Did you think your makeup hid the deadness, the self-loathing and hatred in your eyes? I am subhuman to you. My boobs, faded hair dye, unfashionable dress and overtly round ass are anathema to everything in your rigidly controlled world. Your wild binges to fill the emptiness, to fuel the wrenching purges are written on you quite plainly for anyone who knows to read.

Take a cup of Pedalyte and wake the fuck up, honey. Your coworkers may be blind but I am not. I am more like you than you know.

Isn't it ironic how the quest for invisibility makes you stand out so much?

~Peri

Tee Hee Hee

I fucked off out of work 30mins early today, coz I was BORED, sick of Tweedle Dee, had done heaps of bulking, filled the cabinet.

Power bill wasn't as high as I was expecting! Yippee!

I have Photoshop to install tomorrow. This is gonna be fun. (In terms of both MACHINES HATE ME! and OMG I LOVE DRAWING!)

I need to go to bed. I can hear my big fluffy orange 60's blanket calling to me. If it could speak, it would sound like Chef from South Park. Mmmmmm, bed!

Oh gods, I am so SICK of Harry Potter. I'm so glad we start The Hobbit on Monday. This is why:

"Watched excerpt from Harry Potter & The Goblet of fire – Triwizard Cup tournament Dragon scene.

The ‘worlds’ shown in this scene include, but are not limited to:
-“Magic”=The world in which wands do magic and broomsticks fly, etc. The world of wizrads and muggles.
-“School”= The boarding school of Hogwarts, with teachers and lessons, where the students are divided into houses who compete for prizes.
-“Medieval”=The Triwizard Cup tournament itself, and the language of it, draw on Medieval jousts where a champion emerges after sporting combat.
-“Contemporary”=Rita Skeeter brings in the modern world of journalists doing anything for a scoop. She is the mass media of the contemporary world.
-“Myth”= Dragon slaying, mortal combat and quests, maidens fawning on the hero

The elements of this scene that are undeniably ‘Real’, (unlike the wands, floating quills and the dragons) are certain immutable themes.
-Friendship (Hermione sneaking into the tent to wish Harry luck)
-Gambling (The twins taking bets on the outcome of the tournament)
-Mobs (The crowd at the stadium, the Griffindors back in the common room)"

Some of my notes from the first lecture. Showing off that I've actually done some WORK, yo!

Paix, Mhairi, WarlocksMisstress, I'll reply to your comments tomorrow, promise <3\

Bedtime now. Oyasumi!

~Peri

My Leg Is Lodged In A Velociraptor's Mouth

*Pokes head through mounds of work*

Oh, it's raining.

*Burrows back in*

Right now I'm stuck in a nightmare merry-go-round of work, university, insomnia and half-hearted studying.

I slept through TWO lectures this week thanks to work D:< My reggo needed renewing two days ago, and those shift will help pay it and buy the cat flap to stop the territory marking contest still running in my hallway. There will be no more extra shifts during class-taking time. My last shreds of common sense put their foot down on Wednesday arvo when I was talking to Seafood Dude. (He's Clinically depressed too, with ADD on the side) I'm borrowing the notes I missed off Tailgunner on Monday. There will be a marathon write-up session, then on to my 30% research assignment on Friendly beasts. (Due Feb.10) Got 84% on the last assignment. A- and could have done better if I'd put the effort in. I cannot relax, always waiting for the ginger knock on the door. Comment reply when I've had sleep. Promise! Here, be distracted while I go pass out.

I want to have his babies. Dad is going to his concert in Aussie later in the year. I am so jealous I could piss the pure green of envy.

Now I want Absinthe.

~Peri

Again again again again again again again again.

Down down we spin. Swirling in the water down the drain, flushing hop and light away.

I'm going down. It's all happening again. It will keep happening, over and over. I've given up hope of ever being able to "cope". To "handle it" like a normal person. To live day-to-day and not keep fucking up.

Worked Sunday, skipped class yesterday. It was talking about the critical exercise, and I didn't want to find out hod badly I'd done just before a 7hour shift with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Rum.

I was up until 2am again, DeeDee woke me up 1hour before I had to go to class. I'd slept through my gym booking.

Didn't go to class.

Again.

Two days in a row.

It's happening again.

62kg of 24-year-old female in a ball of tears and snot on the living room floor. Crying too hard to reach the knife block and give herself mercy.

It's going to keep happening, over and over.

I crash and burn, get help, get discharged, trundle along until the momentum runs out, then the cycle rinse/repeat.

I want to quit. Something, anything. Sleeping, eating, life, I don't care. Daylight is too confusing, there anre too many noisesthingspeople sensory overload. My brain can't handle all the input. AltF4.

I'm sick of being such a goddamn failure. A waste of spacetimeresources.

I need a nap.

Beyond A Joke!

This whole situation with DeeDee randomly popping up to visit is getting just a little out of hand. The final straw landed on this camel's back this morning, about 11am GMT+12.

This morning I was feeling good about FINALLY being ready for work on time. I'm chronically late. I have been trying to get on top of this, to no avail. Living this close to work now, there is NO excuse to continue being late for every fucking shift unless I get hit by a car or mauled by a velociraptor or something. (I've put on a fuckton of weight since I moved in here, I'd make great raptor-chow)

Fucking knock on the door while I'm stuffing my uniform into my bag. Guess who?

DeeDee from downstairs. She doesn't take a sodding hint. Phrases like "I need to be at work in 20mins" and "I have to clock in in half an hour" mean nothing to the chronically unemployed. (Actually, I'm no longer sure she's counted as being in the labour pool. Just sayin')

Random sidenote: I'm not sure she actually gets the concept of time. I spend about 20mins earlier in the week trying to explain how long it takes to get to Milton from Dunedin. She just didn't get it. 45mins = 3/4 of an hour. Totally circular. I'm not sure she got it in the end either.
"It takes about 45mins"
"Oh. How many hours is that?"
"It's 3/4 of an hour."
"Ok. So how long is that?"
*Restrains self from beating own head against the wall*

End Sidenote.

I finally got rid of her, and ended up clocking in to work 10mins late. I explained to my boss, and she was ok with it. However, I'm getting extremely pissed off. I understand her situation, and I sympathize. (To be honest, I feel really sorry for her. Her situation sucks total balls) But that can only stretch so far before someone really starts to get on your tits.

I've been given a bunch of hilarious, but totally impractical suggestions by coworkers. They are fairly predictable based on which department the wannabe-helpful twat suggesting them works in. Butchery people seem to think I should answer the door dripping with mock-satanic regalia or entirely naked and raving incoherently. Checkout staff say I should just ignore the knocking at the door, or play offensive music loudly. Seafood reckons I should get a restraining order. (That last is severely tempting me right now!!)

What I REALLY need to do is sit her down and have a chat about boundaries. Something along the lines of "You're awesome and I enjoy talking to you and having you over, but I really need time to myself in order to stay sane (I've told her about the Clinical Depression and she's seen me take my meds several times) and I'm going to get in trouble if I keep being late for work and class" . . . Or something along those lines.

See? I can resist temptation and be all "Mature" and "Responsible"!

. . . Sometimes.

~Peri

Photos, Coz I'm Lazy

If my brain was a V6 engine, today I'd be firing on 1 cylinder steadily. Yesterday it was one and misfiring. The best I've been this week is 2 and 1 misfiring.

I like this analogous description of my cognitive abilities. I'm gonna keep it ^.^

I'm warning you now, this is going to be a MASSIVE fuck-off post full of pictures with very little in the way of smart-assery in the words department. I got about 4 hours sleep last night after waking up 2hours before class to finish my assignment. Oops!

Go make yourself a cuppa or something if you intend to slog through this.

. . . .

Ready? Lets fuck this puppy.

Firstly and most importantly: Dralion. She packed herself and was ready to move DAYS before M-Day. (Moving Day).



She was very proud of this accomplishment:


Upon moving in she proceeded to shed in all sorts of weird places, especially after I put a rug on "her" chair in self-defense!


Yup, that is behind my idiot box. Right there is the phone jack that fell off the wall when I tried to plug my modem splitter into it. :x

I also knitted the fleabag a ball so she would quit grabbing the wool I was knitting with and taking off with it.



SPEAKING of knitting! (Obvious segue too good not to use) Photos of my knitting and other miscellaneous things.
Here is the blanket I'm knitting for Miche at Sick Bitch. I'm currently out of green, so I'm stalled *Sigh*


Here is my "Safety Blanket" I am knitting for myself. (Christopher, you're gonna love the colours!) The orange is straight stocking stitch, the yellow is a 3*3 moss stitch.


I cooked Jaq some eggs!


OH FUCK YES I DID!!


The colour balance is kinda funky coz my hand is so pale >.< In reality that is BRIGHT FUCK-OFF PINK. Now for my view. I've bragged about it enough, so here it is! On a sunny day:

Looking towards Mt.Cargill, which is the big hill in the middle with the TV pylon on top:


Now for some of the weird ass foggy weather we've been getting:


(Yes, I have a cookie jar with a fish on top. It is empty)

Lastly, some Wax-Eyes on the washing line today. Look close, theres one on the top of the line and one in the middle of the pic. There were more, but they didn't like me hanging out of the window like a demented ornithologist/crazy bitch with a camera.



There, happy now? Did that make up, in part, for the horrible silence while I try to punch my brain into submission?

0.0

Fucked if I know.

I'm all caught up on your blogs now! Yippee! :D Now I have to go finish The Amber Spyglass. *Cries* I'm sure I'd love the series if I had finished it BEFORE the week of lectures focusing on it. Now it's all Genesis and Milton and crappity crap crap crapping on.

Stacks of love to you all for your comments. You have no idea how much they mean and how much you help.

~Peri

". . . She op'nd up, but to shut excel'd her power, the gates wide op'n stood. . ."

(Paradise Lost- Sin opening the gates to let Satan out of hell)

I am so tired. I want to read all your blogs RIGHT NAO but I cannot concentrate long enough to open them up and get to 'December'.

I was visited during breakfast and made late for class, and then again this afternoon when I had just got out the shower. I answered the door, dripping wet in a towel. I then apologized! What the shit?!?

Today's lecture was all about Paradise Lost, the first 3 books of Genesis from the King James orthodox version of teh Bible (400 years old this year, that version is) and His Dark Materials. the guest lecturer and our normal one were having a blast taking turns at reading stuff out to us. I wonder what they'd be like at parties?

I sense epic parties in that direction. How do I get myself invited?

I'm not allowed to buy bread or cream cheese any more. I've eaten an entire loaf of toast-sliced today, and half the cream cheese. I'll probably eat the rest with a spoon tomorrow.

Cream cheese & tomato sauce sandwiches are definitely a trigger food. I feel like a vacuum thats been set to "Inhale Carbohydrates". It's rather gross.

I need an entire day to myself where I have no Uni work to do so I can focus on Blogger. Maybe Friday? My analysis is due tomorrow, It's drafted and waiting to be polished when I've had SLEEP and COFFEE.

My stilts are in their box in the middle of the lounge, and Dralion is drying herself off int he hallway. I have some photos to show you tomorrow, especially ones of my EPIC view and the fog and stuff. And the safety blanket. I have a feeling you guys are gonna love that. (Especially the colour scheme)

Arohanui <3

~Peri

Unspeakable

I'm not going to pretend things are ok anymore. I can't. This is the arena where I do not lie, for I feel that if you chose to come here and read my words, you deserve truth.

The weather has suddenly turned into shit, giving me a "good" (Read: Normal) reason to feel miserable. The remains of Cyclones Vania and Zelia merged and hit us today, so it's been windy and rainy and overcast. Right now the fog is so thick I can't see the other side of the valley! It's not cold enough to wear a jacket and NOT sweat yourself to death in it, and it's too fucking windy to risk an umbrella. *Cue impotent raging at the universe*

My home is no longer the refuge from the world that I had hoped it would be. As soon as I make ANY noise in the morning I hear the door to #3 downstairs slam and 90 seconds later comes a knocking at my door. Oh, hello. No you can't come in. Please fuck off and bug someone else. I don't have the time or the coffee to keep you entertained for hours on end each day. I dislike having to tiptoe around for fear of having my privacy invaded. I understand that you are lonely and have no hobbies, so I feel a mix of pity and rage whenever I hear that sodding knock. I am not comfortable, I just want to be left alone, and they don't seem to get that a daily visitor who makes me afraid to move around my own home isn't a welcome visitor.

I'm too scared to blog now. As much as people's opinions in general do not matter to me, there are a few whose opinions matter all the more precisely because of this. Some of those opinions belong to the people who read this blog.

No stilts yet. Major let-down. Eftpos went down just as I walked into the store to try to pay them off. This fucked up my carefully laid plans for this evening AND ALSO for tomorrow. Not that I could have gone and used them anywhere. It's raining and I didn't book any room at the Uni gym since I have an assignment due on Thursday.

Other people's cats coming in and pissing in my hallway on a seemingly hourly basis. 3 fresh damp spots yesterday during the time Dralion was sleeping beside me and I was reading books for class. I need to get Dralion all Matrixified and install a microchip-reading catflap. I'm not going to get rid of her for something that's not her fault.

So. Here things stand.

Barely sleeping, missing class, barely making it to work, not showering, not returning text messages, bingeing on anything thats in the house because I refuse to go out and buy the foods I want to binge on, not going to Miles' house, not knitting, not leaving the house unless I have to, not doing dishes until there is no choice but to do them.

This shit has got me again, and got me hard. It is all in my head, as it were. My own voice, my own feelings. Intrinsically, inseperably me. It doesn't do me the (Questionable) kindness I've heard that Eating Disorders can do of taking on it's own voice within your mind so you have something else to blame. There is nobody to blame here but myself, for being this weak.

Malingerer, crybaby, fake, attention seeker, coward. Why don't you just take a teaspoon of concrete and harden the fuck up? Just think happy thoughts, you're making it all up. Quit blowing it out of proportion. You're not sick, look at XXX or XXX, they're really sick, you're just faking it. No ambition, no goals, no drive, no passion, no guts. Loser, whiner, wet blanket. Go kill yourself you useless worm and quit wasting out time. Quit bothering us with your petty whining. You're not sick, it's all in your head. You're making it all up. Quit blowing things out of proportion. Stop being such a pathetic bitch. We hate you, go bug someone else. Go tell someone who cares. You'll never measure up, you never try you're not one of us go away.

Don't tell, don't ask. Don't break the illusion that everything is ok, that you're normal and fine and not a fake human being surrounded by all the normal real people. They'll turn on your or look at you like a leper, a freak, someone flawed and weak, or some attention hungry drama queen saying all this shit just to get some attention.

I'm not sick. I'M NOT SICK. I'M NOT SICK. I'm FINE! Depression isn't a real mental illness, after all. Not like schizophrenia or BiPolar disorder or Anorexia. I'm not about to go rage through campus with a knife, I'm not a walking heart attack wrapped in a skeleton, therefore I'm FINE.

An inward-turned hate and despair that leaves no outward marks. Am I too clever for my own good, or just not sick enough to warrant any more help?

Smile, everyone's watching.

~Peri

Zombie Mode: Engaged.

I'm so happy you seem to be glad to see me back! I wanted to post a Vlog in my epic pink wig, but I just couldn't bring myself to finish it. I'm too tired to handle looking at myself for that long.

I'm exhausted. Ever since I last posted at the old place I've been in survival mode. Too tired to think about the finer points of self care or even think about implementing the strategies in my WRAP, it's been head down and plod. (Hence the reintroduction of self-harm into my life. Thankfully right now it's a less than weekly occurrence.)

Working in grocery has left me with no endurance to get to the gym for the last two months. Between that and constant bingeing I've easily gained 4kg since moving in here. Ouch. My thighs are like the size 16 chickens when we take them out of the oven. The part where all the fat pools liquid under the loose skin of the breast. Poke it and it ripples hideously. So it is with my legs. My upper arms have spread noticeably outwards, and my puku looks like I've swallowed a rugby ball and it's nestling with each point against a hip, hiding the bones and pushing my lower abdomen out. God, the less said about the state of my skin at the moment the better. I look like the 'Before' photo in Clearasil ads!

I am, however, LOVING this paper! I've finally got my hands on all the books I need, and I'm going to start our first assignment on Monday. It's due on Thursday, but we only got the information we needed to analyse the opening scenes of the texts in the last few days. *Sigh*

Did I tell you that Friday lectures are watching movies? :D As part of the study of Fantasy worlds we have to look at how the worlds are represented in art, theater and cinema. The lecturer brings rare old books into class *uncontrollable biblio-philic slobbering* and passes around calendars that feature famous fantasy worlds or famous fantasy artists. Damn, why did it take me so long to work out I should study things I ENJOY?!? I am so fucking dense!

It's a definite shock to the system, going back to Uni. I've been getting up at 5 and 6am to do a day of physical labour. Now I'm getting up at 8 and 9am (Lol, I'm lazy!) to walk to uni and study. Big change.

I pruned by blog-following list of all the blogs that got deleted or hadn't posted in 4 months. Now I'm going through them alphabetically, a letter a day. I think I've just gotten though 'C'. Lol, I knit and read your blogs or do "Required Readings" and stalking KofK forums for the winter event. I'm getting there, slowly. next week the gym will be worked into the mix, and I should be away laughing with a good study routine sorted out.

Speaking of study, I haven't finished Northern Lights yet. Better get onto that. The lecturer keeps referring to the His Dark Materials trilogy in class, and it's annoying me because it's the ONLY required reading for this course that is new to me! Hobbit, Harry Potter and Narnia have been devoured so many times I can occasionally quote passages to suit the occasion *Shameface*

<3

~Peri

Guess Who's Back. . .

I'm back! I have an ACTUAL PROPER INTERTUBES CONNECTION! :D

Xnet for the win! UniFone can lick my sweaty unshaven asscrack ^.^

We're at day 4 of lectures and I've plowed through 1.75 of 17 books to read for this paper 0.0; So. . . Much. . . READING!!! Add your blogs to that and I'm kinda, well, screwed. Meh, I'll manage.

I've gone through the list of blogs I follow and removed all that have been deleted/haven't posted for a year. The catchup list is looking slightly less intimidating now. Only slightly, though!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I get to go pick up my copy of Shepherd's Book today! :D (Firefly fangirl? Yes, yes I am) I'm so excited about this, you have NO idea. I'm gonna go down to uni VERY VERY EARLY so I can read it before my lecture. (2 hours today, with my mate Tailgunner lecturing the second hour. Muahahahahaaaaaa)

Um, 2 cups of French Roast before lunchtime? *Scuffles toe in dust*

Ok, gonna go pack my bag and head out. My brain is so NOT at home right now!

LOVELOVELOVEYOUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!

~Peri

Busking On The Gaza Strip

I see that one again I have been misunderstood. Now, this post is a hybrid: part post, part comment reply. I would comment on Kazehana’s blog, but since UniFone’s HotSpot is so slow and unreliable I have to reply in the form of a post. (FUCK YOU TELECOM YOU ANTI-COMPETITIVE MONOPOLISTIC BASTARDS!!)

One thing I’d like to get straight with you guys NOW is that I write this blog for ME, in the interests of keeping a grip on my sanity. I do not write it for a Therapist, a tutor or any form of audience whatsoever. I do not apologize for being myself in this space, and very rarely feel I have to justify myself. I often forget that explanations are not the same as justifications, and that few to none of you really understand exactly where I am coming from as we do not share the same culture as we share the common bond of language.

Even though I do not write for you the majority of the time, I’d like you to do me the simple courtesy of reading through an entire post before flying off the handle in a comment. If I I disagree with or get pissed off with something in your Blogs, I still “hear you out”, so to speak, and sometimes even have a bit of a think before I comment. However, some days are worse than others, and I apologize deeply to anyone who has had a comment from me on the (many) days when my higher functions and sanity have fucked off on holiday.

So. As to where I “get off” deciding which species get to live here, I am going to assume that all concerned believe in the Theory of Evolution, or that Creationists will be so kind as to suspend disbelief for the duration of my explanation.

First, I’d like to bring to your attention the extremely isolated nature of New Zealand. (Don’t be shy, go look at a map. Nobody’s watching.) We’re down the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, east of Australia and West of South America. The landmass that became this chain of islands broke away from Gondwanaland before many major animal groups could evolve. It has been isolated from the rest of the world for millennia. This isolation allowed a unique and fragile ecosystem to develop, freed as it was from any contact with the rest of the world.

The only creatures that could make it here were those who could fly or swim the undreds of kilometres necessary. Here they found a place with NO MAMMALIAN LAND RPEDATORS. This allowed many bird species to do without wings altogether. With no predation save that of other birds, Moa reached 3m in height and Kiwi nested in burrows. Albatross nest on windswept Taiaroa Head with total almost disregard for nest camouflage.

Due to intermittent sea level changes over the last few million years, some bird species have even split into North Island and South Island variants. The ancestors of these variants were once of the same stock, but did not have the requisite flight strength to cover larger ocean areas to interbreed.

The first humans to arrive here were the early Maori, about 2000 years ago. They torched large areas of South Island bush to hunt the Moa, which were the only food animal of any size to be had. These large birds were gone by the time Captian Cook charted the coast of New Zealand. Native Woodpigeons, or Kereru, were the only remaining large source of meat. Huia were lmost hunted to extinction, this time for tail feathers which were ornaments reserved for Chiefly headwear and the bravest of warriors.

The second wave of human arrivals was the Europeans in the late 1800s. Concurrent with this is the collapse of the unique Avian Ecosystem that the islands boasted. The settlers brought with them food animals and a passion for fashion. The Huia were totally annihilated, and Kiwi also hunted for their feathers which the Maori had reserved only for ceremonial wear.

The unfortunate clash between the native creatures of New Zealand and the English imports was heavily slanted in the imports’ favour. Many plants and animals were let out into an environment in which they had no natural predators, and they swiftly out-competed native species that were not adapted for such brutal competition. Thankfully, in the 1900s, the settlers realised what had happened and went about trying to fix the situation before all native species died off entirely. It has been a process of trial and error, and we are learning all the time. Mistakes, once made, are not being repeated.

The reason I feel entitled to decide which species get to live here and which don’t, is that these species DO NOT BELONG HERE. There is no natural way cats, stoats, pine trees or possums could have made it here under their own power. It is the fault of my homesick and misguided great-great-great-(great?) grandparents that this one-of-a-kind paradise got so royally fucked up. I’m simply trying to be part of the solution, instead of furthering the problem.
For example: My cat is spayed, well fed, has a collar bell and has a lot of toys to play with. This keeps the local Wax-eye and Fantail population safer than if she was a hungry, bored, silent, kitten-spawning machine. I am under no illusions about her hunting. She does pull birds on occasion, but hopefully less often than would be the case otherwise. I also plant the native trees/shrubs preferred by our birds whenever I get the chance to. Having a Fantail flirt with me through the window is worth the effort!

This of necessity is a very limited précis of my land and the reasons for my feelings in regards to the critters that inhabit it. There is more information is out there if you desire to find it. I’d recommend starting with the Department of Conservation website. I want to work with them one day.

As far as losing my sense of the beauty of the world goes, I have been a practising Pagan for the last 11 years of my life. It’s bloody hard to stay pessimistic for long when I am surrounded by this world. I rejoice in the turn of the seasons and the feeling of the wind on my skin. The rock of the Alps in in my bones and the waters of Lake Wakatipu feel like a second womb. I tend to avoid talking about my beliefs here, simply because they are so personal. Simply: I revere and celebrate Life. The fact that life exists is the most incredible thing I have ever come across. Diversity astounds me and fills me with wonder. I don’t care what others think, they are welcome to their own opinions on the subject of Gods and Religions. (Caveats: So long as they don’t try to force them on others or kill over them. Killing over religion is ridiculous. We may as well be children arguing over imaginary friends!) I don’t shut my eyes forever, I simply blink occasionally.

One last point: I am not, nor will I ever be a European. I get homesick far too easily to be comfortable living in Europe long enough to apply for citizenship. I’d like to draw your attention to my (now expired) passport and my New Zealand birth certificate. I am a New Zealander BY BIRTH. The ethnicity details of all official documents pertaining to me clearly state: “New Zealand European/Pakeha”. Obviously, I have no Maori blood in me. I’m a New Zealander of European descent, just as Barack Obama is American of African descent. There actually is a word for us Kiwis not of the iwi, and that is “Pakeha”. It was created specifically to describe non-Maori New Zealanders. There are a lot of us non-Maori second class citizens here. I am Ngati Pakeha. Hei aha au?

Did I cover everything Kaze? I can’t remember you comment entirely and I have no sodding network access right now to check. I think the thunderstorm on Friday knocked the UniFone transmitter out. It was so worth it, that storm was fsking AWESOME!!!



In other news:

G-Meister FINALLY got married to her Fiancé and Vegas-Husband (Lol) of several years in an amazing ceremony at the Catholic Basilica in Timaru on Saturday. I’ll go over it another day if I remember to. (I’ll be calling her husband P-Meister from now on ^.^) They both looked stunning and the officiating Priest was the nephew of the priest who baptized G-Meister! How cool is that?!?

Ok; class starts has started, a cat pissed on my bag and Studylink is being a useless jerk-face. Back to University Business-As-Usual *Facedesk* This is turning into a week from HELL. My hallway reeks like cat urine. I have no idea anymore if it's Dralion doing it or one of the neighbour's cats coming inside. It's disgusting. I really want to bawl my eyes out right now, but that won't fix anything. if I can't figure it out, Dralion will have to find a new home. I just can't take it anymore.

I locked myself out last night and had to ninja around second-story windows to get home. the neighbours know I'm scared of spiders, and started joking about MASSIVE ones behind me just when I got to the tricky spouting bit. Sadistic bastards, lol.

I'd better go back to writing up my notes from today. Lecture tomorrow is only 1 hour, but I have internet companies to ring and 15 more books to read for this paper. Too fucking much to do. If I can get even ONE of the problems sorted now, I'd be a lot fucking happier than I am.

~Peri

Disordered Philosophy

I’ve been extremely lucky with my connection today, so I figured I’d risk another post to share some ramblings with you. The ramble begins thus:

I had a rather horrible revelation the other night.

I think I need to explain, some. So you understand why I was so revolted, even though intellectually I know I shouldn’t be so disgusted by such a logical conclusion.

By now you should know, if you’ve been following me a while or done the awesome thing of reading my archive (If you did, let me know. You deserve as special award of insanity or something) that I have a very dim view of human nature and humans in general. Don’t even try to change my mind, you can’t.

Yes. I hate Homo Sapiens sapiens and therefore myself for being one. It’s part of a whole list of reasons for self-loathing, so STFU. Just making things clear.

What you should also know, is that I am from New Zealand. (How on EARTH has this escaped you so far?) Down here we had, and indeed still have, a very fragile ecosystem. The majority of our native species are birds. We had one, maybe two mammal species tops. Two types of bat, and some rats that came over on Waka with the Maori. Essentially, we had (Past tense: Very important. What we currently HAVE is the wreckages of;) a bird fauna.

Our main problems currently stem from pest species. Introduced critters that have found a lovely, easy life with no land predators and native species that weren’t used to such tough competition and wilted like cut lilies in the face of the wily bastards brought in by European settlers. Note: Not all pest species are fauna. Some are flora. Possums, rabbits, willow, ferrets/stoats/weasels, mice, Didymo, Lagarosiphon, Douglas Pine, Old Man’s Beard, pigs, cats, lorikeets, magpies, gorse, broom.

My main, personal issues are with Possums, FUCKING RABBITS, certain water weeds and the wilding pines. I won’t go into all the reasons right now, that would take all fucking night and I’m rather tired. Suffice to say I hate these with an unreasoning passion that has some basis in what they are doing to the land and some basis in pure emotion. I loathe them with more intensity than I do my own kind, and that is saying something.

Now, if I expand my view of the land thus to somewhere in orbit looking at our delicate blue-and-white miracle, and adjust my parameters of animal so to where they do not usually reside for someone thinking as a human; everything that walks, flies, crawls or undulates within this atmosphere is an animal. Frame shift: Set.

A digression: Isn’t it funny how we are culturally conditioned to think of ourselves as something other than what we are, something special? We are animals, “Thinking” Ape, I do believe it means in the Latin. We are as much a mammal AND AN ANIMAL as the cat shedding on my chair or the coyote rummaging in your trashcan. Humans are NOT more entitled than anything else on this rock, but our collective ego will not allow us to think like that. For some reason, we have to be “Special”. (Just once I want a dystopia where no genetic remnant of our species survives. Even Atwood disappoints)

So here is my HUGE, MASSIVE, HORRIFYING epiphany. One that is really entirely ridiculously small for how much build-up I have given it with this stupefyingly long explanation:

We are a pest species.

I do not believe humans are a virus, as a certain Matrix Trilogy character (Who is himself a virus) would have it. I find the theory of humans-as-virus flawed in many fundamental ways. I personally feel that the history of humans exploding across the earth and raping it of fodder bears more parallels to rabbits stripping Otago hills to bare dirt or willows choking up delicate braided river systems than it does to influenza knocking people off.

I now have a whole NEW level of hate to bring to bear on both myself and the human population in general. (Generalities my dears, not specifics. There are a few rabbits I have grudgingly liked, although I can’t say the same for possums.)

That is the sum of it: We are a pest. No better and certainly worse than rabbits, possums and pines, for we have the option to control ourselves. We choose not to do so.

Something else that has occurred to me, during thinking along these lines.

WTF am I gonna do if I’m ever pressured into spawning?

Now, I’ve never wanted children. First it was because I did not want to replicate my Mother’s less than stellar example of maternal behaviour. Then it was because we have hideously overpopulated our planet. Added to those reasons a year or two later was the realisation that our planet is completely FUCKED UP, and we would hopefully die out in the next century or so. Lastly, and more recently, was the discovery that what I feel and do is not normal, and indeed this internal hell could be passed on to any children of mine via genetics alone even if I somehow managed to replicate some form of consistent and nurturing maternal behaviour.

I’m worrying about this because I know Miles wants kids, and has not-insignificant pressure from his Dad to provide him with grandkids. My Mother already HAS a grandkid, and I’ve been telling my family since I was 8 years old that I DO NOT WANT TO SPAWN, KTHNX. I still don’t! There are enough unwanted kids that I could certainly adopt if I ever felt the need to raise a human. My friends’ experiences of pregnancy and childbirth have certainly NOT endeared me to the notion in the slightest. (I’m also a selfish bitch who could not life 9 months without brie and coffee. Bite me.)

I’m borrowing trouble by assuming he’ll leave me if I don’t gestate his offspring, and contemplating leaving him NOW to quit prolonging the agony. It’s stupid, because I love him to bits. Little messy bits and pieces of squishy love-covered Miles Meat. Don’t step in them, he’s mine! What fusk me off, however, is that I know that this particular line of thought is my brain trying to fuck with me. I’m blaming work for sucking all my energy. Stupid soul-sucking wage slavery. Just head down and plod. Forget the finer points of the WRAP in the face of sheer survival. I’ve been bingeing (61kg and climbing) and taken up self-harming again, something I haven’t done since I was 13. Fun times! I’m not letting knives anywhere near arteries, I don’t have enough pills to OD, and I doubt I’d be able to keep cleaning substances down long enough for them to poison me properly; so there you are. I am DETERMINED to survive the year and have my diploma in my grubby mitts despite how virulently I hate myself for daring to breathe. It will be the sweetest victory to graduate and be DONE with Otago for GOOD. I can almost taste it.

I don’t know how to end this post “properly”, in the academic sense. I don’t have any points left that can be neatly stuffed into a conclusion and tacked onto the end for some visceral feeling of closure on this disjointed rant. This isn’t an assignment, this is some of my brain forced into words.

I need to pee.

~Peri

RAGES!!11!

I’m going to be stupidly busy this week, so I’m getting some of New Year’s and the surrounding timeage down for you now so it can go up whenever Xnet decides to hook me up with some goddamn INTERTUBES!!

The Boy kindly took me router shopping ^.^ I was really out-of-it in the head department that day. I just told him to point me at the best option for my needs and say ‘Buy!’ (I honestly couldn’t concentrate well enough to read what was on the box)

I’m bloody glad I got a standard modem and a 15m cable. . . the phone jack in the lounge literally disintegrated when I tried to plug the 30cm cable that came with the modem into it. It seems it was being held together with duct tape! D: I’ve plugged it into one of the TWO phone jacks in my bedroom (o.O I don’t wanna know. Honest!) and can run the cable to the lounge.

I’ve been working like a fiend and neglecting little things like, oh, unpacking and keeping my house from looking like a bombsite. I keep finding NEW places where Little Miss Piddlebottom (Dralion) has decided to piss. Under the table in the hallway, under my bed, under the drawers, it has no end! I’ve taken to shutting her out of my room, and treating all areas she soaks with the pet stink spray and pepper. (Pepper to keep her from going back there) I swear as SOON as I have reliable internet I’m going to whore the hell out of any and all resources available on cat training D:<

I got sent course confirmation papers for summer school, so on Wednesday I hie myself to Uni to find out if this is FOR REALS, or just an administerial cock-up. I’m hoping it’s NOT the latter, since this holiday is turning out to be even more exhausting than study would be. Last Tuesday I had 2 cups of coffee between 8 and 10pm, and still passed out at 11 and slept for 13-odd hours 0.0; I’m thinking this week will be a repeat.

New Year’s at the Whare Flat Folk Festival was a soggy one. It seems that everywhere in New Zealand was sunny EXCEPT FOR US IN DUNEDIN. Cheer, whoever bastard did that. I got one cup of mulled wine before Paddy fortified the rest of Miles’ brew with 12y/o Jameson :D Miles left it under my seat while I watched the Barn Dance and he went to pack up the registration tent. Some bastard shoved in beside me and knocked it over. I was too tired to react, but Miles nearly cried. He’d only had 2 mouthfuls of it!

You know what I find hysterical? He couldn’t work out WHY I’d gotten him a present! He told me when he first asked me out that he’d asked me out on New Year’s Day so that it would be easy to remember. . . AND HE FORGOT!!!! XD *ROFLMAO-s* He said he knew it was coming up, but had totally forgotten exactly how close it was. I’m never gonna stop giggling over that one!

He pronounced the cock-ring “Interesting”. I fucking LOVED it! ^.- However, when a guy gets carried away he kinda tends to forget he’s wearing it. You have to keep reminding him that it CANNOT fit inside a chick with the rest of him, no matter how hard he tries. Lol, THAT was certainly “interesting”. (Owie)

I'm so damn tired. Oh grrrr, I spent $90 on a modem (Internet will be hooked up properly anywhere between the 5th and 12th of January) and had 2 people tell me they'd left messages on FACEBOOK to say they had a spare modem or 3.

Messages.

On FACEBOOK.

*Bashed head against wall*

Seriously?? COME ON, PEOPLE!! I'm buying a goddamn modem precisely because I CAN'T GET ON FACEBOOK. I'm fucking lucky if the main page starts loading!

Whats worse, is that BOTH of these people have my cellphone number. I'm seriously stunned by the level of idiocy being displayed by some otherwise intelligent people.

Fuck this public holiday bullshit, I want my Xnet NOW!! I want to catch up on the last 2 months of your lives and watch me some YouTube! I'd sell my soul for a decent weather forecast.

Patience is a virtue, and one I don't have!

~Peri