59.5KG WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!?!
. . . Irma explained the bloated belly and maccas cravings when she bought her spiked rugby boots to maul my insides. Cheers, bitch! At least I'm not preggers *Shrug* Tonight was an endure-the-cramps=and-eat-shit night, but just looking at chocolate makes me feel ill. (Wtf?) Maybe an apple? Walking hurts too much, so maybe I'll lie here and whimper for a while instead.
Sodding slutbitch Irma.
I have nothing to do today but whinge and moan so whinge and moan I shall. You have been warned!
My ass is killing me. Yesterday was heel strike&rowing machine day, so my ass hurts like hell. I can feel the lumps forming in the muscle where my glutes were trying to work between my assbones and the hard plastic seat of the rowing machine. (The physio wonders where the hell I manage to develop these irritating muscle knots, and blames my motorbike. I blame the retarded rowing machine) These a gonna hurt like a bitch to get pounded out.
This morning work was deathly dull. Jaq and I ended up standing on one of the benches with a bucket and rags, scrubbing the roof. Yup, two deli workers giggling their tits off wielding damp rags at arms length. We made a clean spot! Oh noes! Better do the whole thing! It bloody needed it, too. The seal around the oven door is rooted, so the roof was covered in a layer of brown, steam-borne chicken grease. (It's as gross as it sounds)
Work screwed up my pay, so I only got paid an hour's worth of normal time for Boxing day, when I should have gotten the Lieu day and time&1/2. D: DisGUSting!!! Fucks up all my money plans with bank holidays now! >:(
I may just haul myself up and do a fine-weather dance for tomorrow night. I want to hang with Miles and the cats at the Folk Festival tomorrow night!!
Here is something I found written in my old scribbling book.
You can always just quit, so why give up now?
It was something to help me endure my exchange trip and later to get through a hard training session or assessment avalanche.
Ok, time for that weather dance. Have an awesome New Year's!! See you on the other side!
*Mwah*
~Peri
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
Magic:The Addicting
Some pages form yesterday, before Miles turned up and interrupted me:
Outside the setting sun and clouds have collaborated to spread a magical pink light over everything. It makes even the pile of trash under my window look exotic and special. my hands glow in this light like my body has been transformed into neon tubing. I love it.
Sunset display is over, pull the curtains now.
I haven't been up to much over the last few days. Work was soooooo dead! I was washing the tiled walls with a squirty bottle one tile at a time to drag the 'entertainment' out. On the 27th I only sliced 5 things. FIVE. I shit you not. *Dies*
I still feel like a fat fuck, even though I was supposedly 58.1kg this morning. Is all the water held in by the salty shit I was eating out now? I don't know.
I went back to the gym for the first time since mid November. A cardio day. As the first wave of sweat broke out and my legs started to burn, I realised I missed it. Simple little goals, some direction, even if just for a short time. The thoughts slow and stop, by brain blessedly empty as I strain to reach the next km, push myself to endure the time allotted by the trainers. All I want to do now is callisthenics until my nose bleeds. Miles is coming over at an undisclosed time, so I may not be able to D:
As you see, he arrived right then! Speak of the devil and all that.
I spent a truly indecent amount of money today on Magic cards. I acquired a Sliver premium deck, 2 Zendikar boosters and a bunch of little plastic card condoms to keep them all shiny and new. I feel like such a naughty little girl on the inside, as I also bought a new cover for my motorcycle (Yay! It won't rust/fade in the weather! *Snugglehugs bike*) but I regret none of my purchases. Why? I didn't waste the money on food. I have something concrete that I value, not useless empty calories an grease stains on my pants.
I have actually been achieving things, shock horror. Nothing big, just little must-be-done chores like washing and finding the phone numbers of the rest homes my grandparents are in. My Grandpa went into hospital without telling anyone, and was released into a rest home on Christmas eve. Joy.
Weights day at the gym today, with 10min of rowing after. MY GOD did it kill me. Must. Train. Harder.
I really must go to bed now. Miles stayed last night, and we have epic sex :D He never ceases to amaze me. I never sleep as well as when he is snoring away next to me. What the hell is going to happen next year? I have no goals, and am unable to set any. This is, according to Doctor.I, not a good thing.
Sleep is needed, need to stock up for surviving the Folk Festival at Whare Flat on New Year's eve. Yup, I'm gonna be there bunnies, camera in hand. Watch my fat jiggle during the barn dance, it's gonna be HILARIOUS!!
Love you!
~Peri
Outside the setting sun and clouds have collaborated to spread a magical pink light over everything. It makes even the pile of trash under my window look exotic and special. my hands glow in this light like my body has been transformed into neon tubing. I love it.
Sunset display is over, pull the curtains now.
I haven't been up to much over the last few days. Work was soooooo dead! I was washing the tiled walls with a squirty bottle one tile at a time to drag the 'entertainment' out. On the 27th I only sliced 5 things. FIVE. I shit you not. *Dies*
I still feel like a fat fuck, even though I was supposedly 58.1kg this morning. Is all the water held in by the salty shit I was eating out now? I don't know.
I went back to the gym for the first time since mid November. A cardio day. As the first wave of sweat broke out and my legs started to burn, I realised I missed it. Simple little goals, some direction, even if just for a short time. The thoughts slow and stop, by brain blessedly empty as I strain to reach the next km, push myself to endure the time allotted by the trainers. All I want to do now is callisthenics until my nose bleeds. Miles is coming over at an undisclosed time, so I may not be able to D:
As you see, he arrived right then! Speak of the devil and all that.
I spent a truly indecent amount of money today on Magic cards. I acquired a Sliver premium deck, 2 Zendikar boosters and a bunch of little plastic card condoms to keep them all shiny and new. I feel like such a naughty little girl on the inside, as I also bought a new cover for my motorcycle (Yay! It won't rust/fade in the weather! *Snugglehugs bike*) but I regret none of my purchases. Why? I didn't waste the money on food. I have something concrete that I value, not useless empty calories an grease stains on my pants.
I have actually been achieving things, shock horror. Nothing big, just little must-be-done chores like washing and finding the phone numbers of the rest homes my grandparents are in. My Grandpa went into hospital without telling anyone, and was released into a rest home on Christmas eve. Joy.
Weights day at the gym today, with 10min of rowing after. MY GOD did it kill me. Must. Train. Harder.
I really must go to bed now. Miles stayed last night, and we have epic sex :D He never ceases to amaze me. I never sleep as well as when he is snoring away next to me. What the hell is going to happen next year? I have no goals, and am unable to set any. This is, according to Doctor.I, not a good thing.
Sleep is needed, need to stock up for surviving the Folk Festival at Whare Flat on New Year's eve. Yup, I'm gonna be there bunnies, camera in hand. Watch my fat jiggle during the barn dance, it's gonna be HILARIOUS!!
Love you!
~Peri
Friday, 25 December 2009
So This Is Christmas
58.6 this morning. Merry Christmas to you too, scales.
I have my scales on a shelf from my bookcase, since the carpet would fuck up the reading. It is wooden and varnished and I literally feel like I'm walking the plank every time I step on it. I imagine the cool glass is really shark infested waters, and the feelings of dread and self-loathing become a horde of fat, smelly unshaven pirates jeering at me as I face the plunge.
I need to unearth my cashews and dried apricots. I need to get more low-fat crackers and hummus. I need to start exercising when I'm bored again. (I stopped when I moved in here since the neighbours have front-row seats for my bedroom window.) I had a bowl of muesli before going to my parent's house so I didn't immediately make a dive for the cheese platter. (Oh god they had whiskey-aged waxed cheddar!!) Mum made me eggs Benedict, which was very nice, but will be the last bacon I touch for atleast 3 months. She also commented that I'd lost heaps of weight, to which I responded 'Really?' as if I hadn't noticed.
My niece was so cute. She gave me this HUGE grin as soon as she saw me, then I got a high five and a hug. As soon as she had ripped the paper off her Wotwots colouring book she was scribbling in it and telling me who the characters were. (Dotty Wot is pink, Spotty Wot is blue. Who woulda known? I was trying to make them green, which is apparently wrong) It almost makes me want kids. Almost but not quite. I don't want to give a kid an unstable mother.
Gift chocolate was successfully foisted of on flatmates, and I conveniently missed the planned champagne breakfast.
Spent the afternoon sunbathing in the front yard. The street was nice and quiet as my pasty whiteness reflected the solar rays back into space in an effort to slow global warming. (Maybe Teh whiteness scared everyone away?) I'm gonna take my shiny new (And scarily advanced) digital camera for a walk around town someday soon and show you all the pretty sights of summer here. The ones locals see everyday and take for granted, and the ones the tourists get shuttled right past.
I love you all and want to give you a big squishy hug. Since I cannot reach that far, you'll just have to hug yourself!
~Peri
I have my scales on a shelf from my bookcase, since the carpet would fuck up the reading. It is wooden and varnished and I literally feel like I'm walking the plank every time I step on it. I imagine the cool glass is really shark infested waters, and the feelings of dread and self-loathing become a horde of fat, smelly unshaven pirates jeering at me as I face the plunge.
I need to unearth my cashews and dried apricots. I need to get more low-fat crackers and hummus. I need to start exercising when I'm bored again. (I stopped when I moved in here since the neighbours have front-row seats for my bedroom window.) I had a bowl of muesli before going to my parent's house so I didn't immediately make a dive for the cheese platter. (Oh god they had whiskey-aged waxed cheddar!!) Mum made me eggs Benedict, which was very nice, but will be the last bacon I touch for atleast 3 months. She also commented that I'd lost heaps of weight, to which I responded 'Really?' as if I hadn't noticed.
My niece was so cute. She gave me this HUGE grin as soon as she saw me, then I got a high five and a hug. As soon as she had ripped the paper off her Wotwots colouring book she was scribbling in it and telling me who the characters were. (Dotty Wot is pink, Spotty Wot is blue. Who woulda known? I was trying to make them green, which is apparently wrong) It almost makes me want kids. Almost but not quite. I don't want to give a kid an unstable mother.
Gift chocolate was successfully foisted of on flatmates, and I conveniently missed the planned champagne breakfast.
Spent the afternoon sunbathing in the front yard. The street was nice and quiet as my pasty whiteness reflected the solar rays back into space in an effort to slow global warming. (Maybe Teh whiteness scared everyone away?) I'm gonna take my shiny new (And scarily advanced) digital camera for a walk around town someday soon and show you all the pretty sights of summer here. The ones locals see everyday and take for granted, and the ones the tourists get shuttled right past.
I love you all and want to give you a big squishy hug. Since I cannot reach that far, you'll just have to hug yourself!
~Peri
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Brain=Mush
Please bear with me today. This post will be a rambly mish-mash, and quite likely will be very horribly long and boring. Grab a cuppa or flee in terror, 'tis your choice.
You have been warned :)
I finally got out of the house! I just needed some time to hide and recover. From what? I do not know. The Doctor couldn't find anything wrong, and told me to keep hydrated so I don't randomly pass out form the low blood pressure (Thank you Einstein!! That's what I've been doing for the last 8 years. Not exactly rocket science, ya know?) *Sigh* Seriously, I wonder sometimes about modern medicine. Somehow the suicide rates in NZ are down from last year. Buh? 0.0
I worked with the Deli Boss yesterday, and she said she was glad to find out that I'd gone home early on Saturday. Because, as she said, I 'looked like shit'. I was feeling good last night until about halfway into my shift when I started getting light-headed and nauseous again. Admittedly I was freaking out about how busy it was, and some of the customers we had were freakin WEIRD. They sent me home at 9pm, instead of 10 since I was blanching out again. It's getting kinda annoying.
I WANNA STOP FREAKING OUT NOW BRAIN, KTHNX.
Something supremely weird after work last night.
I was walking out of work, and hot Guy hijacked me for a D&M (Deep&Meaningful Conversation). Talked about The Boy, and his general BS and lack of hygiene and asking WHY I stayed with him as long as I did (My excuse: I'm mental). He told me exactly what he said to The Boy and why he said it (He is still pissed over The Boy making out like he's gay. He admitted that he is bad for holding grudges and being nasty about it.) He told me, to my face, that I have 'a great body and a great personality' and that I could pretty much 'get any guy I wanted'. I laughed so hard at that last bit. Seriously?! I'm BARKING BLOODY MAD!!! Yeah I could get said theoretical guy for 3 months, but what the honeymoon glow wears off, they take off. He admitted watching me walk to work past his place (AUGH!! SEE!! *Hides*) He said he's off home for the holidays, but would see me around after the 28th. Then went on to specify 'When you're working, of course!!' I'm sitting here right now thinking 'Wtf?' Fucking weirdo!
Miles stayed over on Tuesday. I took his Top Gear-ginity. (I made him watch Top Gear for the first time XD) I made my BBQ chicken sausages with mashed spuds (potatoes) and he hoovered it up in no time flat. He didn't get into circus school. Out of all the people from Dunners that applied, only 1 got in!! A disgrace I tells ya!! They did tell him what he needs to work on, so he is going to audition again for the 2011 intake. I'm scared at any potential direction of development for this relationship. I'm scared I'll continue to fall madly in love with him and wreck it all, I'm scared we'll both fall for each other and he'll go away (or not, and resent me for tying him here) I'm scared I'll fall for him and he will see me as a casual fucktoy and you'll have to put up with a lot of emo whinging from me (Like you don't already!!) Wooo fear. The true spice of life. He came over after work this afternoon, and wants to hang out again after his family Christmas dinner tonight. Despite the things he says, I think it's just the sex.
It is, right?
Omg I'm tired. I go to sleep after 2am and woke up at 5. I'm over the Christmas thing already. The last few days have been nothing but one HUGE MASSIVE binge. It shows, too. Scales this morning were kinder to me than they should have been, but nastier then I like. 59.2KG. That is HOW MUCH in a week?! I just want to stop eating. Forever. Starting NOW. Why can't my stomach make up it's mind? One minute the thought of ANYTHING makes me sick to my stomach, the next I'm wolfing down bickies and Marmite sandwiches like there's no tomorrow!! (Oh holy fuck what if I'm pregnant? What if there was in infinitesimal tear in one of the condoms and Miles got me up the stick?! Is it too early for a test?) Ok, now I feel sick again. After a can of baked beans, bread, sandwich and SODDING CHOCOLATE!!! WHY do people insist on giving me CHOCOLATE at Christmas time?? I should throw it all in the bin with the dirty kitty litter where it belongs.
Ok, change of fucking subject before I start pulling out my hair.
Here is one of my all-time Metallica favourites. I'm sitting here in my baggy black T-Shirt and scruffy old cargoes singing along. Sing with me.
~Peri
You have been warned :)
I finally got out of the house! I just needed some time to hide and recover. From what? I do not know. The Doctor couldn't find anything wrong, and told me to keep hydrated so I don't randomly pass out form the low blood pressure (Thank you Einstein!! That's what I've been doing for the last 8 years. Not exactly rocket science, ya know?) *Sigh* Seriously, I wonder sometimes about modern medicine. Somehow the suicide rates in NZ are down from last year. Buh? 0.0
I worked with the Deli Boss yesterday, and she said she was glad to find out that I'd gone home early on Saturday. Because, as she said, I 'looked like shit'. I was feeling good last night until about halfway into my shift when I started getting light-headed and nauseous again. Admittedly I was freaking out about how busy it was, and some of the customers we had were freakin WEIRD. They sent me home at 9pm, instead of 10 since I was blanching out again. It's getting kinda annoying.
I WANNA STOP FREAKING OUT NOW BRAIN, KTHNX.
Something supremely weird after work last night.
I was walking out of work, and hot Guy hijacked me for a D&M (Deep&Meaningful Conversation). Talked about The Boy, and his general BS and lack of hygiene and asking WHY I stayed with him as long as I did (My excuse: I'm mental). He told me exactly what he said to The Boy and why he said it (He is still pissed over The Boy making out like he's gay. He admitted that he is bad for holding grudges and being nasty about it.) He told me, to my face, that I have 'a great body and a great personality' and that I could pretty much 'get any guy I wanted'. I laughed so hard at that last bit. Seriously?! I'm BARKING BLOODY MAD!!! Yeah I could get said theoretical guy for 3 months, but what the honeymoon glow wears off, they take off. He admitted watching me walk to work past his place (AUGH!! SEE!! *Hides*) He said he's off home for the holidays, but would see me around after the 28th. Then went on to specify 'When you're working, of course!!' I'm sitting here right now thinking 'Wtf?' Fucking weirdo!
Miles stayed over on Tuesday. I took his Top Gear-ginity. (I made him watch Top Gear for the first time XD) I made my BBQ chicken sausages with mashed spuds (potatoes) and he hoovered it up in no time flat. He didn't get into circus school. Out of all the people from Dunners that applied, only 1 got in!! A disgrace I tells ya!! They did tell him what he needs to work on, so he is going to audition again for the 2011 intake. I'm scared at any potential direction of development for this relationship. I'm scared I'll continue to fall madly in love with him and wreck it all, I'm scared we'll both fall for each other and he'll go away (or not, and resent me for tying him here) I'm scared I'll fall for him and he will see me as a casual fucktoy and you'll have to put up with a lot of emo whinging from me (Like you don't already!!) Wooo fear. The true spice of life. He came over after work this afternoon, and wants to hang out again after his family Christmas dinner tonight. Despite the things he says, I think it's just the sex.
It is, right?
Omg I'm tired. I go to sleep after 2am and woke up at 5. I'm over the Christmas thing already. The last few days have been nothing but one HUGE MASSIVE binge. It shows, too. Scales this morning were kinder to me than they should have been, but nastier then I like. 59.2KG. That is HOW MUCH in a week?! I just want to stop eating. Forever. Starting NOW. Why can't my stomach make up it's mind? One minute the thought of ANYTHING makes me sick to my stomach, the next I'm wolfing down bickies and Marmite sandwiches like there's no tomorrow!! (Oh holy fuck what if I'm pregnant? What if there was in infinitesimal tear in one of the condoms and Miles got me up the stick?! Is it too early for a test?) Ok, now I feel sick again. After a can of baked beans, bread, sandwich and SODDING CHOCOLATE!!! WHY do people insist on giving me CHOCOLATE at Christmas time?? I should throw it all in the bin with the dirty kitty litter where it belongs.
Ok, change of fucking subject before I start pulling out my hair.
Here is one of my all-time Metallica favourites. I'm sitting here in my baggy black T-Shirt and scruffy old cargoes singing along. Sing with me.
~Peri
Monday, 21 December 2009
Bored
AUGH OK I ADMIT IT!!!!!
I'm bored. I'm bored of sitting in this room, in this house, with nothing to do but read or surf the Internet. Yup, even the Internet has began to pall.
I got to sleep about 2am, woke up at 4, didn't sleep again until 6:30, woke up at 8:30. I missed the gym because I was too shattered to go.
Now I'm sitting here buzzing and bored and TERRIFIED of the outside world.
Yup, I'm too scared to go buy another battery for my scale. I can't face the thought of walking 10min to the supermarket and buying things like toothpaste, muesli and cat treats. I'm thirsty as hell but I don't want to go upstairs to the kitchen to fill up my drink bottle.
I'm scared of the people. Scared of my new flatmate. Terrified of the idea that someone could look in the front door or a window on their way to the pizza place next door and see me. I am small, disgusting, too fucked up and demented to deserve to see the light of day. They will look at me and see my insanity branded in giant glowing neon letters for all to see.
Am I being phobic or paranoid? That's a worrying thought. I don't want to flip out and go fully paranoid.
Maybe it's that Hot Guy the Asshole Extraordinaire lives 2 houses over from me, and I have no desire to run into him whatsoever? He is perfectly placed between me and the easiest route to the shops. Prick.
I want to hide under the blankets with the cat, but I've already made the bed. I don't want to get back in when it was so hard to climb out this morning.
I'm turning into a reclusive fruitloop just in time for Christmas. Charming.
I WILL grow a pair and get into town today. Ironic really, I am already IN town. I look out my front door and am gazing at the glassy wall of a university building.
This blows.
~Peri
I'm bored. I'm bored of sitting in this room, in this house, with nothing to do but read or surf the Internet. Yup, even the Internet has began to pall.
I got to sleep about 2am, woke up at 4, didn't sleep again until 6:30, woke up at 8:30. I missed the gym because I was too shattered to go.
Now I'm sitting here buzzing and bored and TERRIFIED of the outside world.
Yup, I'm too scared to go buy another battery for my scale. I can't face the thought of walking 10min to the supermarket and buying things like toothpaste, muesli and cat treats. I'm thirsty as hell but I don't want to go upstairs to the kitchen to fill up my drink bottle.
I'm scared of the people. Scared of my new flatmate. Terrified of the idea that someone could look in the front door or a window on their way to the pizza place next door and see me. I am small, disgusting, too fucked up and demented to deserve to see the light of day. They will look at me and see my insanity branded in giant glowing neon letters for all to see.
Am I being phobic or paranoid? That's a worrying thought. I don't want to flip out and go fully paranoid.
Maybe it's that Hot Guy the Asshole Extraordinaire lives 2 houses over from me, and I have no desire to run into him whatsoever? He is perfectly placed between me and the easiest route to the shops. Prick.
I want to hide under the blankets with the cat, but I've already made the bed. I don't want to get back in when it was so hard to climb out this morning.
I'm turning into a reclusive fruitloop just in time for Christmas. Charming.
I WILL grow a pair and get into town today. Ironic really, I am already IN town. I look out my front door and am gazing at the glassy wall of a university building.
This blows.
~Peri
Sunday, 20 December 2009
I HATE Stress!!
Lying here listening to soothing music and reading your blogs.
Oh dear god I swear I levelled up my Room Tetris kills on Friday.Shifting things around with Jaq,trying to get my bed put together and not squish my poor scared kitty, who was hiding behind anything the held still long enough -.-;
Ink is now hiding under the blankets. He's been under there all day and refuses to come out. I'd join him if I thought I could sleep.
Right now the only foods my stomach will accept are salt& vinegar Pringles, Shrewsbury biscuits, McDonald's cheeseburgers, orange jelly beans and Marmite sandwiches. Not a terribly good combination at the end of the day, and I can't even eat much of them!!
I am so stressed out I can't sleep and can barely eat. I was so close to having a full on meltdown at work on Saturday. I was shaking, literally terrified of the customers, and every time I opened my mouth I felt like I was gonna vomit. I have that awful nasty acidy taste in the back of my throat constantly now.
OH FOR FUCK SAKE!!
I got maybe 2.5 hours sleep friday night. Sodding cat and sodding stressybrain kept me up.
I'm not going to work today. I'm gonna hide here so I don't freak out. I nearly cried when S-boy said 'Whatever's wrong with you can't be that bad.' Not that bad? Not that BAD!?! I've got my hands jammed into my armpits so I don't grab the fucking hot-wire on the wrapper and give myself another sodding burn and you say it's Not. That. Bad. Well fuck you, buddy.Fuck you anally with a chainsaw and no lube.
I went around to visit Miles yesterday afternoon. He invited me to watch Saw with him. I liked it, and I hate people even more after watching that movie.
Hmm, on he subject of moving flats. I have 2 somethings to hopefully amuse you. The Boy threw a massive wobbly at me when I told him I was cutting off the phone and internet. As it is it's staying on until the end of the contracted month, the final bills are going TO MY PARENT'S HOUSE and then I'll hit him up for the money. I also know his Dad is on very good terms with my parents, so here is another angle of arm-twisting there if he tries to screw me over.
Suck it, bitch! XD
Second something. Picture this. Skinny white boy with a dreadlock mullet and a freshly tattoed arm driving a V8 Audi. Big muscular jock boy in the passenger seat, girl with fucktons of dark regrowth in back. Car is jammed with junk and there is a trailer on back filled with furniture. Driving through the most upmarket suburb in town, windows down and rock music blasting. That was me and my brothers shifting my junk. A cop drives past in the other direction. It musta looked like we'd nicked all of it, and the car too!! XD
Augh it's getting late and I can't sleep. I had a sandwich and now I feel incredibly gross. Fucking stomach!!! I have my scale but the battery died so I can't weigh myself until Tuesday.
I have no idea what's stressing me out this badly!!! AAAAUGH DAMMIT!!!
I'm gonna have a nice hot shower. Exercising gives me a headache since I haven't been sleeping much. Ugh, this blows.
Ok, I'm gonna quit bitching and have that shower. Nitenite pretties!!
~Peri
Oh dear god I swear I levelled up my Room Tetris kills on Friday.Shifting things around with Jaq,trying to get my bed put together and not squish my poor scared kitty, who was hiding behind anything the held still long enough -.-;
Ink is now hiding under the blankets. He's been under there all day and refuses to come out. I'd join him if I thought I could sleep.
Right now the only foods my stomach will accept are salt& vinegar Pringles, Shrewsbury biscuits, McDonald's cheeseburgers, orange jelly beans and Marmite sandwiches. Not a terribly good combination at the end of the day, and I can't even eat much of them!!
I am so stressed out I can't sleep and can barely eat. I was so close to having a full on meltdown at work on Saturday. I was shaking, literally terrified of the customers, and every time I opened my mouth I felt like I was gonna vomit. I have that awful nasty acidy taste in the back of my throat constantly now.
OH FOR FUCK SAKE!!
I got maybe 2.5 hours sleep friday night. Sodding cat and sodding stressybrain kept me up.
I'm not going to work today. I'm gonna hide here so I don't freak out. I nearly cried when S-boy said 'Whatever's wrong with you can't be that bad.' Not that bad? Not that BAD!?! I've got my hands jammed into my armpits so I don't grab the fucking hot-wire on the wrapper and give myself another sodding burn and you say it's Not. That. Bad. Well fuck you, buddy.Fuck you anally with a chainsaw and no lube.
I went around to visit Miles yesterday afternoon. He invited me to watch Saw with him. I liked it, and I hate people even more after watching that movie.
Hmm, on he subject of moving flats. I have 2 somethings to hopefully amuse you. The Boy threw a massive wobbly at me when I told him I was cutting off the phone and internet. As it is it's staying on until the end of the contracted month, the final bills are going TO MY PARENT'S HOUSE and then I'll hit him up for the money. I also know his Dad is on very good terms with my parents, so here is another angle of arm-twisting there if he tries to screw me over.
Suck it, bitch! XD
Second something. Picture this. Skinny white boy with a dreadlock mullet and a freshly tattoed arm driving a V8 Audi. Big muscular jock boy in the passenger seat, girl with fucktons of dark regrowth in back. Car is jammed with junk and there is a trailer on back filled with furniture. Driving through the most upmarket suburb in town, windows down and rock music blasting. That was me and my brothers shifting my junk. A cop drives past in the other direction. It musta looked like we'd nicked all of it, and the car too!! XD
Augh it's getting late and I can't sleep. I had a sandwich and now I feel incredibly gross. Fucking stomach!!! I have my scale but the battery died so I can't weigh myself until Tuesday.
I have no idea what's stressing me out this badly!!! AAAAUGH DAMMIT!!!
I'm gonna have a nice hot shower. Exercising gives me a headache since I haven't been sleeping much. Ugh, this blows.
Ok, I'm gonna quit bitching and have that shower. Nitenite pretties!!
~Peri
Saturday, 19 December 2009
Tired
Oh my heart can’t carry much more
It’s really, really aching and sore
My heart don’t care anymore
I really can’t bear more
My hands don’t work like before
I shiver and I scrape at your door
My heart can’t carry much more
But you couldn’t care less
Could you
Your face don’t look like before
It’s really not like yours anymore
Your eyes don’t like me no more
They quiver and they shift to the floor
My heart don’t beat like before
It’s never been this slow
No my blood don’t flow anymore
And you couldn’t care less
Could you
Could we stop and sleep for a spare
We can turn this ditch into a well
And send that old devil back to hell
But we really don’t care do we
Baby let’s stop and sleep for a spare
We can turn this ditch into a well
And send that old devil back to hell
Your back’s not straight like before
You really shouldn’t carry me no more
I’m much too heavy for you
I’m really quite a mess, yes
We just don’t care anymore
We’re crooked and were cut to the core
We’re just not there anymore
But we really don’t care do we
No, we couldn’t care less
We couldn’t care less
Could we?
(I'm just tired. No boy dramas, honest!)
Thursday, 17 December 2009
AUGH FUCK
I am exhausted.
3 trips of boxes with Jaq, and 2 of furniture with my brothers tonight. One, maybe two more tomorrow arvo with my youngest brother, then it's all done.
Poor kitty is freaking out.
I'm in full-on stressfreak mode. Stomach only accepting what it wants, when it wants it. Taking forever to get to sleep, waking up with a -SNAP- and running round like a maniac. Crashing into a wall several hours later because I forget to eat for fuel.
I have to gather the last of my bits and leave tomorrow. The Boy wants me to leave the phone and Internet connected, but I don't want to. I don't know about power. I have to do the bank stuff (Stop APs for rent) tomorrow. I should have done it today, but I didn't have time.
I don't want to leave the phone and Internet and power on here under my name. The boy asked me to, 'just until the end of the month', but I know what he is like about paying bills. The Internet was shut off twice before I gave up and took over the job of paying for everything. I know The Boy is juvenile and jealous, so I wouldn't put any kind of pettiness past him.
Yup, I'm just trusting like that.
AUGH FUCK. I don't wanna cave on this shit. I don't want him to have the ability to fuck with my credit rating. Too much stress. Can I just have a breakdown in the corner so people realise I can't handle crap like this every day? No, I don't like showing people my weak points.
Kitty found a ball he'd lost behind the dresser. He's having fun and making noise.
I should be sleeping. I'm going to Miles' at 9am tomorrow to much around. Oh god I don't want to go to work on Saturday. I can't shut my brain down. So tired but it's all mad whirling in my head. I'm gonna have to take that ball off Ink so I can get some sleep tonight, lol.
Oh please someone lend me a spine so I can get out of this with my credit rating and sanity intact.
~Peri
3 trips of boxes with Jaq, and 2 of furniture with my brothers tonight. One, maybe two more tomorrow arvo with my youngest brother, then it's all done.
Poor kitty is freaking out.
I'm in full-on stressfreak mode. Stomach only accepting what it wants, when it wants it. Taking forever to get to sleep, waking up with a -SNAP- and running round like a maniac. Crashing into a wall several hours later because I forget to eat for fuel.
I have to gather the last of my bits and leave tomorrow. The Boy wants me to leave the phone and Internet connected, but I don't want to. I don't know about power. I have to do the bank stuff (Stop APs for rent) tomorrow. I should have done it today, but I didn't have time.
I don't want to leave the phone and Internet and power on here under my name. The boy asked me to, 'just until the end of the month', but I know what he is like about paying bills. The Internet was shut off twice before I gave up and took over the job of paying for everything. I know The Boy is juvenile and jealous, so I wouldn't put any kind of pettiness past him.
Yup, I'm just trusting like that.
AUGH FUCK. I don't wanna cave on this shit. I don't want him to have the ability to fuck with my credit rating. Too much stress. Can I just have a breakdown in the corner so people realise I can't handle crap like this every day? No, I don't like showing people my weak points.
Kitty found a ball he'd lost behind the dresser. He's having fun and making noise.
I should be sleeping. I'm going to Miles' at 9am tomorrow to much around. Oh god I don't want to go to work on Saturday. I can't shut my brain down. So tired but it's all mad whirling in my head. I'm gonna have to take that ball off Ink so I can get some sleep tonight, lol.
Oh please someone lend me a spine so I can get out of this with my credit rating and sanity intact.
~Peri
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Sodding Boxes
Packing. Packing packing packing.
Sodding boxes EVERYWHERE!!
I am so bloody sick of it!
I am so confused inside right now. I'm concentrating on the logistics of packing and moving to avoid my feelings. I'm so confused. All the stress of the last few days with douchebag boys and Miles being awesome over me puking my drunken guts out in his lounge and Mum wanting me to stay over at their place on Christmas Eve is confusing the hell out of me.
Ugh, I need to text D and find out if I have to put my stuff in storage tomorrow. Then sleep. Looking after my cousin and keeping him entertained is freakin' exhausting!
Have a good night, pretties <3
~Peri
Sodding boxes EVERYWHERE!!
I am so bloody sick of it!
I am so confused inside right now. I'm concentrating on the logistics of packing and moving to avoid my feelings. I'm so confused. All the stress of the last few days with douchebag boys and Miles being awesome over me puking my drunken guts out in his lounge and Mum wanting me to stay over at their place on Christmas Eve is confusing the hell out of me.
Ugh, I need to text D and find out if I have to put my stuff in storage tomorrow. Then sleep. Looking after my cousin and keeping him entertained is freakin' exhausting!
Have a good night, pretties <3
~Peri
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Hangover Well Deserved
Oh blah.
Yesterday Miles came around to help me pack and shift boxes down into the garage to make moving day easier. The original plan was to go down to the beach for a Poi jam (He is going to teach me the Fountain. He's one of those people who is a natural at everything they pick up)
THEN it was around to his place for the promised drinks. Oh dear god I should NOT do shots of Vodka when I've been too stressed to eat. I ended up sitting in the middle of his lounge floor vomiting chicken chow mein, stomach acid and vodka into S's salad bowl. Not fun. I told S about the ED behaviour and wanting to cut. Miles rubbed my back and tied my hair up out of the way and emptied the bowl between bouts of retching. I woke up at 6am on the couch to find him asleep on the Lay-Z-Boy. He was worried I'd roll onto my back and choke on my own vomit in the middle of the night. He now knows about my depression and possible Bi-Polar issues.
S found out what the Boy's problem is.
He has since deleted her (and me) off FaceBook because she told him he was being childish over this whole thing, and she'd talk to him again when he started acting his age.
*Eyeroll*
ANYway, this is the deal.
It's all my fault (?!?)
Yeah, apparently so.
You see, he said to S I'm not his friend because I don't act like one. I mever talked to him about my problems or told him anything. (I don't talk to ANYONE about my problems, and I told him things but he was too busy playing WoW to listen) I talked about our relationship at work, and I didn't tell him about Miles.
Ok. So. He is jealous that I've moved on while he hasn't. I knew he'd start acting like a douche, so I didn't tell him. I figured it was kinda obvious what with the staying over there at least one night a week and having hickies on my neck o.O I should have, according to him, behaved how he has been with me. I.E tell him about every guy I hit on and rub it in.
Riiiiiiiight. I didn't think it was any of his business who or what I sleep with, to tell the truth.
He started talking to me today, after a while. Turns out Hot Guy at work told him. Hot Guy is hot, yes, but he is also a total asshole. AUGH FUCK.
THESE BOYS SUCK!!! AUGH!
I'm glad that the hangover has stilled the frantic whirling in my brain for the present. This packing is killing me, but with some blessed quiet between my ears, it is at least endurable.
Goodnight lovelies, it is time for my to go sleep this off XD
~Peri
Yesterday Miles came around to help me pack and shift boxes down into the garage to make moving day easier. The original plan was to go down to the beach for a Poi jam (He is going to teach me the Fountain. He's one of those people who is a natural at everything they pick up)
THEN it was around to his place for the promised drinks. Oh dear god I should NOT do shots of Vodka when I've been too stressed to eat. I ended up sitting in the middle of his lounge floor vomiting chicken chow mein, stomach acid and vodka into S's salad bowl. Not fun. I told S about the ED behaviour and wanting to cut. Miles rubbed my back and tied my hair up out of the way and emptied the bowl between bouts of retching. I woke up at 6am on the couch to find him asleep on the Lay-Z-Boy. He was worried I'd roll onto my back and choke on my own vomit in the middle of the night. He now knows about my depression and possible Bi-Polar issues.
S found out what the Boy's problem is.
He has since deleted her (and me) off FaceBook because she told him he was being childish over this whole thing, and she'd talk to him again when he started acting his age.
*Eyeroll*
ANYway, this is the deal.
It's all my fault (?!?)
Yeah, apparently so.
You see, he said to S I'm not his friend because I don't act like one. I mever talked to him about my problems or told him anything. (I don't talk to ANYONE about my problems, and I told him things but he was too busy playing WoW to listen) I talked about our relationship at work, and I didn't tell him about Miles.
Ok. So. He is jealous that I've moved on while he hasn't. I knew he'd start acting like a douche, so I didn't tell him. I figured it was kinda obvious what with the staying over there at least one night a week and having hickies on my neck o.O I should have, according to him, behaved how he has been with me. I.E tell him about every guy I hit on and rub it in.
Riiiiiiiight. I didn't think it was any of his business who or what I sleep with, to tell the truth.
He started talking to me today, after a while. Turns out Hot Guy at work told him. Hot Guy is hot, yes, but he is also a total asshole. AUGH FUCK.
THESE BOYS SUCK!!! AUGH!
I'm glad that the hangover has stilled the frantic whirling in my brain for the present. This packing is killing me, but with some blessed quiet between my ears, it is at least endurable.
Goodnight lovelies, it is time for my to go sleep this off XD
~Peri
Sunday, 13 December 2009
FUCK YOU JUST FUCK YOU
I do not have TIME to have a break down right now!
I'll elaborate more on this when I feel capable of putting it into words.
For now, my post from a message board I find a safe place in, and my 'Help' playlist I listen to when I'm feeling very very unstable, as I do right now.
FUCK THIS BULLSHIT BOY I WILL NOT LET YOU FUCK ME UP ANY MORE THAN YOU HAVE ALREADY.
~Peri who is panicking and packing and freaking
P.S. I have a home to go to, and a way to get there. I'm not gonna be homeless!!
Post
"Ok, things have been stressful lately with getting ready to move flats.
At work I saw our landlord and asked him to ring my flatmate/expartner. Told my flatmate this when I went on break (We work in the same store, different departments). I get back from my break to be rung by friend, to tell me the ex is having an anxiety attack and locked himself in a storeroom, and she didn't know what to do. She didn't know who was a first aider or his department manager to call, and she thought I could help. I went up and got her to make him a coffee, and try to get him to talk to me. He says 'go away', so I did.
I found out later they sent him home (which was good).
I get home to find him saying nasty things about me on facebook, and as soon as he realised I was home he cranked his music up as loud as he could, trying to piss me off. (I LIKE loud angry music!) He then proceeds to stomp around and slam things and chuck my shit around when it gets in his way and ignore me when I try to ask him what the fuck?
He's just fucked off somewhere. Don't know where, don't care. I'm shaking and upset and about to fall apart and I don't know what to DO. I'm trying to be sensible and adult, but it's fucking hard when there is a 26 year old guy acting like a 6 year old.
Everything I want to do I know is unhealthy and wrong and I shouldn't. I'm not going to let him fuck me up any more. It's so hard. It hurts. after all this what the hell?!"
Help Palylist
Freak Out - Avril Lavigne
Army of Me - Bjork
Parayzed - The Cardigans
Couldn't Care Less - The Cardigans
Please Sister - The Cardigans
Keeps Getin' Better - Christina Aguilera
Fighter - Christina Aguilera
Can't Hold Us Down - Christina Aguilera Feat. Lil' Kim
Indestructible - Disturbed
Dropping Plates - Disturbed
I'm A Bomb - Natasha Beddingfield
If You're gonna. . . - Natasha Beddingfield
Respect - Pink
Don't let me get me - Pink
So Damn Beautiful - Poloroid
Breathe Me - Sia
Stand In The Rain - Superchick
Courage - Superchick
Beauty From Pain - Superchick
I'll elaborate more on this when I feel capable of putting it into words.
For now, my post from a message board I find a safe place in, and my 'Help' playlist I listen to when I'm feeling very very unstable, as I do right now.
FUCK THIS BULLSHIT BOY I WILL NOT LET YOU FUCK ME UP ANY MORE THAN YOU HAVE ALREADY.
~Peri who is panicking and packing and freaking
P.S. I have a home to go to, and a way to get there. I'm not gonna be homeless!!
Post
"Ok, things have been stressful lately with getting ready to move flats.
At work I saw our landlord and asked him to ring my flatmate/expartner. Told my flatmate this when I went on break (We work in the same store, different departments). I get back from my break to be rung by friend, to tell me the ex is having an anxiety attack and locked himself in a storeroom, and she didn't know what to do. She didn't know who was a first aider or his department manager to call, and she thought I could help. I went up and got her to make him a coffee, and try to get him to talk to me. He says 'go away', so I did.
I found out later they sent him home (which was good).
I get home to find him saying nasty things about me on facebook, and as soon as he realised I was home he cranked his music up as loud as he could, trying to piss me off. (I LIKE loud angry music!) He then proceeds to stomp around and slam things and chuck my shit around when it gets in his way and ignore me when I try to ask him what the fuck?
He's just fucked off somewhere. Don't know where, don't care. I'm shaking and upset and about to fall apart and I don't know what to DO. I'm trying to be sensible and adult, but it's fucking hard when there is a 26 year old guy acting like a 6 year old.
Everything I want to do I know is unhealthy and wrong and I shouldn't. I'm not going to let him fuck me up any more. It's so hard. It hurts. after all this what the hell?!"
Help Palylist
Freak Out - Avril Lavigne
Army of Me - Bjork
Parayzed - The Cardigans
Couldn't Care Less - The Cardigans
Please Sister - The Cardigans
Keeps Getin' Better - Christina Aguilera
Fighter - Christina Aguilera
Can't Hold Us Down - Christina Aguilera Feat. Lil' Kim
Indestructible - Disturbed
Dropping Plates - Disturbed
I'm A Bomb - Natasha Beddingfield
If You're gonna. . . - Natasha Beddingfield
Respect - Pink
Don't let me get me - Pink
So Damn Beautiful - Poloroid
Breathe Me - Sia
Stand In The Rain - Superchick
Courage - Superchick
Beauty From Pain - Superchick
Saturday, 12 December 2009
I Is A Dinosaur, RAWR!
This has been a mission of EPIC proportions, and it's still not over.
I feel like I'm running a marathon, uphill, with 10kg concrete blocks attached to my feet.
Lets recap this shit, shall we?
THURSDAY
Walked down (hill) into town for work. Did 8 hour close in deli. Met Miles after he finished work and walked out to his place (an hour away from work along the flat) Oh dear god did I get spoiled ^.^ In return I attempted deepthroat for the first time. From the noises he was making he certainly enjoyed it XD So yeah, bugger all sleep. I love falling asleep with him cuddled up behind me. I've tried not to fall for him. Yeah, Denial. Not just a river in Egypt. Falling. Fallen. I was lying there thinking about him going away, but decided to etch that moment and how it felt to have him there in my memory so it would be there for as long as forever is with this mind. I'm going around again on monday night for drinks with his newly engaged flatmates. God I'm jealous! They so deserve all the happy then can get though. S has been squeeing non stop over her shiny garnet ring XD Miles wanted me to go around again Friday night, but as I start work insanely early on Saturdays, I couldn't :(
FRIDAY
Woke up to see a happy Miles face and get lots of cuddles. He went to work (Called me 'Sweetie' just as he was leaving so I couldn't turn it into a joke.) I hung around at his for another half hour then walked back into work for food shopping. Got home and had 1.5 hours to sit down before walking back into town AGAIN for work. Worked with two of the people who piss me off the mos for inefficiency, laziness and NEVER SHUTTING UP. Nearly went apeshit. Didn't, thank god. Found out that we got the awesome flat! I seriously still don't believe it. We are signing the lease on Sunday, and I still think it is a dream. I bought home a metric fuckton of boxes for packing. The Boy shouted me a taxi home so I could get them. (Sometimes lazy fuckers have their uses XD)
Saturday
Woke up this morning to find my uniform, which I washed and hung on the clotheshorse infront of the heat pump to dry was STILL FUCKING WET!! So I wore a damp and icky uniform to work. Work was really cruisy, which was great. I was light headed and sick and dizzy and kept seeing things that weren't there. On the way home, driving along the road, I spent about 3mins listening to a conversation between two women. I then realised I was on my motorbike, doing 50km/hr down the road with not a human in sight. I shouldn't have been hearing that, but I was. Kinda worrying, but very very funny to me right now.
I am going to bow to your superior wisdom and get this Blood pressure seen to. The boss nearly shat herself when I told her 80/47. I'll get an appointment later on next week. Plans are to get absolutely hammered with Miles and his newly engaged flatmates on Monday night and spend Tuesday hungover as all fuck.
Lets see what happens, shall we?
Apparently some of my old workmates from checkouts have been gossiping about the weight I've lost. It's time to go into squid-mode. Spray some confusing ink to cloud the waters. Lay a jetstream trail of smoke. Be seen eating disgustingly sugary decadent junkfoods. Within reason, of course. I did enjoy a single Chocolate Fix cookie time cookie after work on Friday. Needed the bikkie-ness and the chocolate. Savouring that kept my head out of the ice cream tub. 310cals VS how many thousands? Long term benefit > Long term cost, therefore eat the fucking cookie.
So many, many skinny girls in town. Summer and graduation weekend have bought them out. I hate them, love them, envy and pity them all at the same time. Why why why why why why WHY?!?
Work in the am tomorrow again. I am crazy tired and fluffy-headed. Need to dry my hair and sleep. The Boy hasn't done any dishes since Tuesday. It is now Saturday and the kitchen is a toxic waste site. Biohazard, nom nom HURL.
I'll be back when I've had sleep and more work *cries* DON'T WANNA GO BACK THERE!!!
*Mwah*
~Peri-saurus Regina
I feel like I'm running a marathon, uphill, with 10kg concrete blocks attached to my feet.
Lets recap this shit, shall we?
THURSDAY
Walked down (hill) into town for work. Did 8 hour close in deli. Met Miles after he finished work and walked out to his place (an hour away from work along the flat) Oh dear god did I get spoiled ^.^ In return I attempted deepthroat for the first time. From the noises he was making he certainly enjoyed it XD So yeah, bugger all sleep. I love falling asleep with him cuddled up behind me. I've tried not to fall for him. Yeah, Denial. Not just a river in Egypt. Falling. Fallen. I was lying there thinking about him going away, but decided to etch that moment and how it felt to have him there in my memory so it would be there for as long as forever is with this mind. I'm going around again on monday night for drinks with his newly engaged flatmates. God I'm jealous! They so deserve all the happy then can get though. S has been squeeing non stop over her shiny garnet ring XD Miles wanted me to go around again Friday night, but as I start work insanely early on Saturdays, I couldn't :(
FRIDAY
Woke up to see a happy Miles face and get lots of cuddles. He went to work (Called me 'Sweetie' just as he was leaving so I couldn't turn it into a joke.) I hung around at his for another half hour then walked back into work for food shopping. Got home and had 1.5 hours to sit down before walking back into town AGAIN for work. Worked with two of the people who piss me off the mos for inefficiency, laziness and NEVER SHUTTING UP. Nearly went apeshit. Didn't, thank god. Found out that we got the awesome flat! I seriously still don't believe it. We are signing the lease on Sunday, and I still think it is a dream. I bought home a metric fuckton of boxes for packing. The Boy shouted me a taxi home so I could get them. (Sometimes lazy fuckers have their uses XD)
Saturday
Woke up this morning to find my uniform, which I washed and hung on the clotheshorse infront of the heat pump to dry was STILL FUCKING WET!! So I wore a damp and icky uniform to work. Work was really cruisy, which was great. I was light headed and sick and dizzy and kept seeing things that weren't there. On the way home, driving along the road, I spent about 3mins listening to a conversation between two women. I then realised I was on my motorbike, doing 50km/hr down the road with not a human in sight. I shouldn't have been hearing that, but I was. Kinda worrying, but very very funny to me right now.
I am going to bow to your superior wisdom and get this Blood pressure seen to. The boss nearly shat herself when I told her 80/47. I'll get an appointment later on next week. Plans are to get absolutely hammered with Miles and his newly engaged flatmates on Monday night and spend Tuesday hungover as all fuck.
Lets see what happens, shall we?
Apparently some of my old workmates from checkouts have been gossiping about the weight I've lost. It's time to go into squid-mode. Spray some confusing ink to cloud the waters. Lay a jetstream trail of smoke. Be seen eating disgustingly sugary decadent junkfoods. Within reason, of course. I did enjoy a single Chocolate Fix cookie time cookie after work on Friday. Needed the bikkie-ness and the chocolate. Savouring that kept my head out of the ice cream tub. 310cals VS how many thousands? Long term benefit > Long term cost, therefore eat the fucking cookie.
So many, many skinny girls in town. Summer and graduation weekend have bought them out. I hate them, love them, envy and pity them all at the same time. Why why why why why why WHY?!?
Work in the am tomorrow again. I am crazy tired and fluffy-headed. Need to dry my hair and sleep. The Boy hasn't done any dishes since Tuesday. It is now Saturday and the kitchen is a toxic waste site. Biohazard, nom nom HURL.
I'll be back when I've had sleep and more work *cries* DON'T WANNA GO BACK THERE!!!
*Mwah*
~Peri-saurus Regina
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
I'm a Freak! :D
Woooo, that was interesting.
Weighed myself his morning. 57.8. Huh. Fuck. Had breakfast, wore long pants and 2 pairs of socks and heavy walking shoes and chugged a FUCKLOAD of water before the fitness test. I weighed at 60.2 fully clothed with shoes despite all that. Inside is split. Part of me is going 'Sweeeet! I'm probably way lower than 58!!' the paranoid part of me is thinking 'OhfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckI'msoooooBUSTED!!'
That makes 6kg lost and a higher fitness level than my last test. (4-6 months ago. Probably longer)
This is good. I haven't been this fit since the end of 2007 when I ran a triathlon.
This is bad. My blood pressure has always been really low. This time it was freakishly, and I mean FREAKISHLY low. As in 80 over 50. (I heard them muttering, the bottom number was below 50, but they didn't tell me exactly). They kept asking me if I felt fine, was I gonna pass out. I am used to feeling dizzy if I stand up too fast, or don't drink enough water, but I know how to deal with it. I laughed at them the whole way through the test. They were freaking out and I felt fine!
I chugged a whole litre of water before the test. Would this have anything to do with it?
I'm under orders to check the side effects of Citalopram for them (Like I can't reel the major ones off in my sleep) and go to the doctors about the freakishly low pressure. I googled some consequences of low blood pressure and the consensus is that strokes, heart attacks and major organs crapping out (starting with the kidneys) could be a problem. I like my kidneys, they keep me alive. So yeah, I'll talk to the Doc about that next time I'm in. It'll be in the next few weeks when I get my prescription renewed.
I'm reading through Prettywreck's blog (I always read through before I follow. I'm just anal like that XD) and I nearly wet myself laughing at this post. Sodomised a litter of kittens? Pissed on her pradas?! And then 'Heifer please' Pure. Epic. GOLD! I'm going to read that post every time I miss a comeback.
More tomorrow, I have to go post some of the paperwork for financial support. There is something bubbling in my brain that wants out, but I'm listening to Offspring so it is hiding.
Much love to all of you lovely princess and princes who deign to read this freakish ramble.
~Peri Freak
Weighed myself his morning. 57.8. Huh. Fuck. Had breakfast, wore long pants and 2 pairs of socks and heavy walking shoes and chugged a FUCKLOAD of water before the fitness test. I weighed at 60.2 fully clothed with shoes despite all that. Inside is split. Part of me is going 'Sweeeet! I'm probably way lower than 58!!' the paranoid part of me is thinking 'OhfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckI'msoooooBUSTED!!'
That makes 6kg lost and a higher fitness level than my last test. (4-6 months ago. Probably longer)
This is good. I haven't been this fit since the end of 2007 when I ran a triathlon.
This is bad. My blood pressure has always been really low. This time it was freakishly, and I mean FREAKISHLY low. As in 80 over 50. (I heard them muttering, the bottom number was below 50, but they didn't tell me exactly). They kept asking me if I felt fine, was I gonna pass out. I am used to feeling dizzy if I stand up too fast, or don't drink enough water, but I know how to deal with it. I laughed at them the whole way through the test. They were freaking out and I felt fine!
I chugged a whole litre of water before the test. Would this have anything to do with it?
I'm under orders to check the side effects of Citalopram for them (Like I can't reel the major ones off in my sleep) and go to the doctors about the freakishly low pressure. I googled some consequences of low blood pressure and the consensus is that strokes, heart attacks and major organs crapping out (starting with the kidneys) could be a problem. I like my kidneys, they keep me alive. So yeah, I'll talk to the Doc about that next time I'm in. It'll be in the next few weeks when I get my prescription renewed.
I'm reading through Prettywreck's blog (I always read through before I follow. I'm just anal like that XD) and I nearly wet myself laughing at this post. Sodomised a litter of kittens? Pissed on her pradas?! And then 'Heifer please' Pure. Epic. GOLD! I'm going to read that post every time I miss a comeback.
More tomorrow, I have to go post some of the paperwork for financial support. There is something bubbling in my brain that wants out, but I'm listening to Offspring so it is hiding.
Much love to all of you lovely princess and princes who deign to read this freakish ramble.
~Peri Freak
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
Teh Poi Explanation Post
I promised this a long time ago, and yeah. It sucks. I wasn't sure WHAT to put. Enjoy this half-ass explanation!
Poi consist mainly of a ball on the end of a long cord that is swung rhythmically around the body. 'Poi' itself is a Maori word that can refer to the object, dance choreography, or the accompanying music. The word Poi is both the plural and singular, just like 'Sheep'. Eg. I have one Poi, you have many Poi.
In Maori culture, Poi performance is the domain of Women. The myth that it was used by warriors long in the past to build wrist strength for using Patu and Mere (Clublike weapons, heirloom ones often being made of Greenstone, [New Zealand Jade] and decorated with a tuft of extinct Huia feathers dangling from the handle) in battle has recently been debunked.
Traditional Poi
Traditional Maori Poi comes in two sizes: Short poi, measuring from the fingertips to elbow, and Long Poi, measuring from the fingertips to the shoulder. The materials Poi were traditionally constructed of were Harakeke flax (My favourite flower!!) and Raupo. These materials wear out quicky, and many of the wetland habitats of these plants have been drained for farming or flooded to produce hydroelectric power. What few wetlands that remain are protected for conservation purposes. Although some traditional harvesting is allowed, commercial harvesting is not a viable option.
Here is a short competition Kapa Haka performance utilising single short poi during the second round of a competition held at the University of Auckland.
Modern Poi
Nowadays, Poi are made of longer-lasing synthetic materials. The main aim of modern Poi are to make them more visible and user-friendly. Swivels and ball-chains are used to prevent the cord tangling and twisting up from the action of the poi. It can also be used to adjust the length of the Poi cord. Tails of brightly coloured fabric can be attached to the ball end of the Poi for daytime performance.
By far the most interesting Poi performance to watch is Fire Poi, where specially constructed wicks are used on the end of fireproof chains instead of balls. The wicks are soaked in fuel, the excess spun off and then they are set alight for 1-2mins of roaring fun! (Literally. The fire makes a kind of roaring noise when you spin them!) Fire poi can be very dangerous, so never attempt to spin them without taking all necessary safety precautions and having an experienced Fire Poi/staff spinner on hand to supervise you.
A pair of fire Poi dancers practising for the 2006 Costa Maya festival.
(DON'T try wraps with flaming poi like at 00:40 unless you have all safety gear, a bucket of water and LOTS of supervision!!)
Making Your Own Poi
The method I learned at school involves wool, plastic bags and newspaper. You can also stuff tennis balls down an old pair of knee- or thigh-high socks for DIY sock Poi/cones. There are many comprehensive books and online tutorials for learning how to spin Poi, but for the most fun try tracking down a club in your area that specialises in fire performance and circus arts. It's more fun with more people!!
Sources:
Poi Spinning by Michal Kahn, Illustrated by Lucy Jane Batchelor
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poi_(performance_art)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poi_(juggling)
http://www.homeofpoi.com/
Poi consist mainly of a ball on the end of a long cord that is swung rhythmically around the body. 'Poi' itself is a Maori word that can refer to the object, dance choreography, or the accompanying music. The word Poi is both the plural and singular, just like 'Sheep'. Eg. I have one Poi, you have many Poi.
In Maori culture, Poi performance is the domain of Women. The myth that it was used by warriors long in the past to build wrist strength for using Patu and Mere (Clublike weapons, heirloom ones often being made of Greenstone, [New Zealand Jade] and decorated with a tuft of extinct Huia feathers dangling from the handle) in battle has recently been debunked.
Traditional Poi
Traditional Maori Poi comes in two sizes: Short poi, measuring from the fingertips to elbow, and Long Poi, measuring from the fingertips to the shoulder. The materials Poi were traditionally constructed of were Harakeke flax (My favourite flower!!) and Raupo. These materials wear out quicky, and many of the wetland habitats of these plants have been drained for farming or flooded to produce hydroelectric power. What few wetlands that remain are protected for conservation purposes. Although some traditional harvesting is allowed, commercial harvesting is not a viable option.
Here is a short competition Kapa Haka performance utilising single short poi during the second round of a competition held at the University of Auckland.
Modern Poi
Nowadays, Poi are made of longer-lasing synthetic materials. The main aim of modern Poi are to make them more visible and user-friendly. Swivels and ball-chains are used to prevent the cord tangling and twisting up from the action of the poi. It can also be used to adjust the length of the Poi cord. Tails of brightly coloured fabric can be attached to the ball end of the Poi for daytime performance.
By far the most interesting Poi performance to watch is Fire Poi, where specially constructed wicks are used on the end of fireproof chains instead of balls. The wicks are soaked in fuel, the excess spun off and then they are set alight for 1-2mins of roaring fun! (Literally. The fire makes a kind of roaring noise when you spin them!) Fire poi can be very dangerous, so never attempt to spin them without taking all necessary safety precautions and having an experienced Fire Poi/staff spinner on hand to supervise you.
A pair of fire Poi dancers practising for the 2006 Costa Maya festival.
(DON'T try wraps with flaming poi like at 00:40 unless you have all safety gear, a bucket of water and LOTS of supervision!!)
Making Your Own Poi
The method I learned at school involves wool, plastic bags and newspaper. You can also stuff tennis balls down an old pair of knee- or thigh-high socks for DIY sock Poi/cones. There are many comprehensive books and online tutorials for learning how to spin Poi, but for the most fun try tracking down a club in your area that specialises in fire performance and circus arts. It's more fun with more people!!
Sources:
Poi Spinning by Michal Kahn, Illustrated by Lucy Jane Batchelor
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poi_(performance_art)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poi_(juggling)
http://www.homeofpoi.com/
Monday, 7 December 2009
Disjointed Bits
*Looks at yesterday's post* Oh my, I really shouldn't post just after a nana-nap. I'm not the most coherent, am I? I think I was having a rant about media and wanna-rexics (Oh fluffy bunnies of the ED world, you make me laugh and cringe at the same time) but mainly it came out as some incoherent babbling. Half-finished thoughts with no conclusions. Maybe someday I'll revisit the topic, but for now I'm gonna fume and chuck those magazines in the trash when I see them in the staffroom.
Bastards.
My parents stalked me to work yesterday, and invited me over for dinner on Tuesday and want me to stay over on Christmas Eve. Wtf?! It honestly took me a few moment to recognise them when Shane finally got my attention (He was yelling 'Peri! Customers' at me for about 3mins while I was grabbing ham off the slicer. Fully zoned out!) They both commented that I look thinner. I tried to brush it off as my work shirt (Size 12 one) being waaay too big for me, and they said it was my face, and maybe the shirt. Huh. All mum wants for Christmas is a happy me, and I guess with the mania she's gonna get it. If it doesn't pop and disappear before then, that it.
I'm sitting here with the Wikipedia article for paracetamol toxicity open, trying to work out just how much I'd need to take to kill myself. Huh, it seems I've only taken enough to cause stage one symptoms of poisoning in the past. Lol, probably because I was too damn broke to afford enough to fully poison myself into stages 2 and 3, even though I was taking them with some hard spirits (Go out in style, right?) Or maybe because I took other things at the same time? Who knows.
I've managed to score another 16 hours in the Deli this week. I may be overlapping with evil midget woman, so we'll see what happens. . . God I want her to do something that will get her fired! I'd probably sacrifice a limb to have that happen. (With this woman, it probably would come to that)
Miles has been really stressing over his circus school audition. There are 13 places and over 30 people trying for them. Hence he is being a douche and has gone from nonstop text conversations to not replying at all over the last several days. This has made me grumpy and mopey, despite him calling me 'babe' when I texted him wishing good luck for the audition. (I replied with "Lol, are you calling me a little pig? :p" I always make jokes like that) Ugh WHY do I let myself get so dependent on guys for happy feelings? I feel like such a twat. I guess it just proves that you can't leap into bed with someone and not climb out without any emotional baggage.
Oh shit, my washing is still on the line! I'd better go grab it before it gets damp D:
Have an amazing night pretty people! I'll see you tomorrow night if I survive the Psych Lady Visit tomorrow arvo *hides under bed*
~Peri
Bastards.
My parents stalked me to work yesterday, and invited me over for dinner on Tuesday and want me to stay over on Christmas Eve. Wtf?! It honestly took me a few moment to recognise them when Shane finally got my attention (He was yelling 'Peri! Customers' at me for about 3mins while I was grabbing ham off the slicer. Fully zoned out!) They both commented that I look thinner. I tried to brush it off as my work shirt (Size 12 one) being waaay too big for me, and they said it was my face, and maybe the shirt. Huh. All mum wants for Christmas is a happy me, and I guess with the mania she's gonna get it. If it doesn't pop and disappear before then, that it.
I'm sitting here with the Wikipedia article for paracetamol toxicity open, trying to work out just how much I'd need to take to kill myself. Huh, it seems I've only taken enough to cause stage one symptoms of poisoning in the past. Lol, probably because I was too damn broke to afford enough to fully poison myself into stages 2 and 3, even though I was taking them with some hard spirits (Go out in style, right?) Or maybe because I took other things at the same time? Who knows.
I've managed to score another 16 hours in the Deli this week. I may be overlapping with evil midget woman, so we'll see what happens. . . God I want her to do something that will get her fired! I'd probably sacrifice a limb to have that happen. (With this woman, it probably would come to that)
Miles has been really stressing over his circus school audition. There are 13 places and over 30 people trying for them. Hence he is being a douche and has gone from nonstop text conversations to not replying at all over the last several days. This has made me grumpy and mopey, despite him calling me 'babe' when I texted him wishing good luck for the audition. (I replied with "Lol, are you calling me a little pig? :p" I always make jokes like that) Ugh WHY do I let myself get so dependent on guys for happy feelings? I feel like such a twat. I guess it just proves that you can't leap into bed with someone and not climb out without any emotional baggage.
Oh shit, my washing is still on the line! I'd better go grab it before it gets damp D:
Have an amazing night pretty people! I'll see you tomorrow night if I survive the Psych Lady Visit tomorrow arvo *hides under bed*
~Peri
Sunday, 6 December 2009
Fscking Magazines
This really disgusts me.
In a magazine at work today they were using pro-ana slogans to describe celebrity outfits.
"They say nothing tastes as good as thin feels, so Renee must be. . ." ~About Renee Zellwegger
". . . A look to cut kilojoules for. . . " ~ Can't remember who now. Beyonce? Lucy Liu? Jessica Alba?
Like these magazines don't make women feel bad enough already! Like they don't make men feel inadequate next to buff models!
Fucking irresponsible. If I saw my daughter/niece/mother reading this in the line at checkouts I'd rip it out of her hands and slap her.
EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT GLAMOROUS, DESIRABLE OR A NICE WAY TO DIE. STOP FUCKING ADVERTISING THEM. MENTAL ILLNESSES AREN'T SEXY!
I'd rather watch someone die of emphysema again than anything ED-related. Is it horrific and terrifying. Hell on earth I'd wish on nobody. What kind of idiot wants this? Deliberately chooses, courts and seeks it? Why not schizophrenia? It's a lot less lethal, after all. Why not amputate a leg with a table knife? It doesn't cause blindness and multiple organ failure. It certainly won't hurt as much in the long run.
Oh my GOD the media make me want to puke.
WAKE THE FUCK UP! STOP GLAMORISING THIS SHIT! YOU'RE KILLING US!
Sodding tabloids. We'd be a lot saner without them.
~Peri
In a magazine at work today they were using pro-ana slogans to describe celebrity outfits.
"They say nothing tastes as good as thin feels, so Renee must be. . ." ~About Renee Zellwegger
". . . A look to cut kilojoules for. . . " ~ Can't remember who now. Beyonce? Lucy Liu? Jessica Alba?
Like these magazines don't make women feel bad enough already! Like they don't make men feel inadequate next to buff models!
Fucking irresponsible. If I saw my daughter/niece/mother reading this in the line at checkouts I'd rip it out of her hands and slap her.
EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT GLAMOROUS, DESIRABLE OR A NICE WAY TO DIE. STOP FUCKING ADVERTISING THEM. MENTAL ILLNESSES AREN'T SEXY!
I'd rather watch someone die of emphysema again than anything ED-related. Is it horrific and terrifying. Hell on earth I'd wish on nobody. What kind of idiot wants this? Deliberately chooses, courts and seeks it? Why not schizophrenia? It's a lot less lethal, after all. Why not amputate a leg with a table knife? It doesn't cause blindness and multiple organ failure. It certainly won't hurt as much in the long run.
Oh my GOD the media make me want to puke.
WAKE THE FUCK UP! STOP GLAMORISING THIS SHIT! YOU'RE KILLING US!
Sodding tabloids. We'd be a lot saner without them.
~Peri
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Fear Teh Crazies! WoooOOOOooooo!!!
Anise, this is hard. The curiosity about my weight is going to be killing my by Monday, and I finding it surprisingly hard to avoid dashing to a mirror to check that my collarbones are still there and my belly isn't sticking out for miles *Looks down* Fucking puku. Go away.
Who am I? What am I? Certainly more than that lump of flesh reflected in the glass. More than bones, muscles and sinews wrapped in skin and fat. It gives shape to my mind in this world, yet defines and inhibits that mind and what it can display. This body allows people to slap a label on me. Beanpole, geek, ugly four-eyed freak. Tapes of my childhood. Put me in a box and crush any tendril that tries to reach outside it. FUCK YOU I WILL NOT BE DEFINED BY YOUR WORDS. I will not even be defined by my own. I refuse to accept what my mind tries to tell me in it's fits of irrationality. I refuse to be inhibited by ideas of limitation.
Everything in my head is spinning madly round and round and round. I start off low, go way up, stall and crash back down to begin the cycle again. It has become almost daily. I can't stop it. I don't know if I want to stop it. This scares me greatly. I don't want to lose control, lose myself.
Huh, I may end up being the 'Uncle Mack' of this generation. My Dad's brother was always odd, and was finally arrested and put in a mental institution earlier this year. The family's reaction was 'About bloody time'. I do not want to be like that. I don't want to be the one aunty or uncle the kids make sure they aren't alone in the same room with, and cringe from their hugs. Even though he never molested me, there was always something in his manner that put me on guard as long as I can remember. Minimising contact with the family seems to be a good way to avoid being like him.
It's one month today since my birthday. I've only talked to my batty Nana in that time. So far so good.
We got the awesome flat with the huge lounge and backyard, space under the house for my bike nd nice big sunny bedrooms! :D I can't wait!! Sooo much sunbathing and outdoor things planned. Ukemi, poi, devilsticks, skipping. . . It's walking distance form the gym too!! Also within very easy reach of Pizza hut, Dominos, Hell's Pizza, Maccas, Burger King, KFC, several dairys and chip shops. . . You get the picture *eep* I must be strong. I can't actually spare the money for all that fattening crap!!
Spin spin spin, bounce bounce bounce. If only I could put this to good use instead of sitting around reading books or on the Internet. Exercise would do me so much more good than fidgeting. I have used maintaining as an excuse to stay out of the gym. The more I work out the more I have to eat. But fuckit, if I'm gonna have to eat anyway, I may as well feel useful.
Aaaaaaaaand here comes the stall.
Goodnight pretty people
<3
~Peri
P.S If you know you are being irrational, does that make you rational or schizo?
Who am I? What am I? Certainly more than that lump of flesh reflected in the glass. More than bones, muscles and sinews wrapped in skin and fat. It gives shape to my mind in this world, yet defines and inhibits that mind and what it can display. This body allows people to slap a label on me. Beanpole, geek, ugly four-eyed freak. Tapes of my childhood. Put me in a box and crush any tendril that tries to reach outside it. FUCK YOU I WILL NOT BE DEFINED BY YOUR WORDS. I will not even be defined by my own. I refuse to accept what my mind tries to tell me in it's fits of irrationality. I refuse to be inhibited by ideas of limitation.
Everything in my head is spinning madly round and round and round. I start off low, go way up, stall and crash back down to begin the cycle again. It has become almost daily. I can't stop it. I don't know if I want to stop it. This scares me greatly. I don't want to lose control, lose myself.
Huh, I may end up being the 'Uncle Mack' of this generation. My Dad's brother was always odd, and was finally arrested and put in a mental institution earlier this year. The family's reaction was 'About bloody time'. I do not want to be like that. I don't want to be the one aunty or uncle the kids make sure they aren't alone in the same room with, and cringe from their hugs. Even though he never molested me, there was always something in his manner that put me on guard as long as I can remember. Minimising contact with the family seems to be a good way to avoid being like him.
It's one month today since my birthday. I've only talked to my batty Nana in that time. So far so good.
We got the awesome flat with the huge lounge and backyard, space under the house for my bike nd nice big sunny bedrooms! :D I can't wait!! Sooo much sunbathing and outdoor things planned. Ukemi, poi, devilsticks, skipping. . . It's walking distance form the gym too!! Also within very easy reach of Pizza hut, Dominos, Hell's Pizza, Maccas, Burger King, KFC, several dairys and chip shops. . . You get the picture *eep* I must be strong. I can't actually spare the money for all that fattening crap!!
Spin spin spin, bounce bounce bounce. If only I could put this to good use instead of sitting around reading books or on the Internet. Exercise would do me so much more good than fidgeting. I have used maintaining as an excuse to stay out of the gym. The more I work out the more I have to eat. But fuckit, if I'm gonna have to eat anyway, I may as well feel useful.
Aaaaaaaaand here comes the stall.
Goodnight pretty people
<3
~Peri
P.S If you know you are being irrational, does that make you rational or schizo?
Friday, 4 December 2009
Up Up Up
I got extra hours. Yippee!! 6 hours in grocery and a weights session yesterday on sweet bugger all sleep. Just starting to feel the muscle aches now. I'm gonna be soooo sore tomorrow night ^.^
I'm sooooooooooo wired!! Welcome back Teh Hyper, I just can't sit still! Fidgetfidgetfidgetfidget bouncebounce. The whole rollercoaster in a day. Up, down, crash, stall, restart. Gets tiring.
We saw two awesome flats today. *Wantwantwant* The first one I'm demanding borer bombing before we move in. I'm terrified for my wood furniture.
Psych Lady is coming over on Tuesday. Her office has been invaded by the extended family (Christmas and turkey day visitors, I assume. She is American).
Good news: Going back to gym, can afford psych lady out of my savings. Still have money IN my savings after paying, massage on monday (Yay no shoulder pain!!), have done extra hours this week, potentially found a flat, have 2 options to pick from for moving out on the 20th, I have a new uniform in size 10 that ACTUALLY FITS!! (My size 12 one keeps falling waaaaaay down ^.^)
I'm actually terrified when I think of the Psych lady seeing where I live. So terrified I CAN'T MOVE. Should I tidy up? Should I make her sit in the cat-pee-stinky lounge? Should we sit IN MY ROOM? What is she gonna think? Miles says you can tell a lot about people by their bedrooms. WHAT THE HELL IS SHE GONNA KNOW ABOUT ME AFTER SEEING MY MESSY CRAPPY STINKY FLAT??? Ugh, fuck it.
OMG you're never gonna look at maccas the same way again after seeing this!
Ok, time to go bounce around for a bit. Need to work off some of this crazy before bed!!
Love you awesome people!!!
~Peri
I'm sooooooooooo wired!! Welcome back Teh Hyper, I just can't sit still! Fidgetfidgetfidgetfidget bouncebounce. The whole rollercoaster in a day. Up, down, crash, stall, restart. Gets tiring.
We saw two awesome flats today. *Wantwantwant* The first one I'm demanding borer bombing before we move in. I'm terrified for my wood furniture.
Psych Lady is coming over on Tuesday. Her office has been invaded by the extended family (Christmas and turkey day visitors, I assume. She is American).
Good news: Going back to gym, can afford psych lady out of my savings. Still have money IN my savings after paying, massage on monday (Yay no shoulder pain!!), have done extra hours this week, potentially found a flat, have 2 options to pick from for moving out on the 20th, I have a new uniform in size 10 that ACTUALLY FITS!! (My size 12 one keeps falling waaaaaay down ^.^)
I'm actually terrified when I think of the Psych lady seeing where I live. So terrified I CAN'T MOVE. Should I tidy up? Should I make her sit in the cat-pee-stinky lounge? Should we sit IN MY ROOM? What is she gonna think? Miles says you can tell a lot about people by their bedrooms. WHAT THE HELL IS SHE GONNA KNOW ABOUT ME AFTER SEEING MY MESSY CRAPPY STINKY FLAT??? Ugh, fuck it.
OMG you're never gonna look at maccas the same way again after seeing this!
Ok, time to go bounce around for a bit. Need to work off some of this crazy before bed!!
Love you awesome people!!!
~Peri
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
JdjhbcdnbcvRARGH
These are some places I visit often.
Consternation.
Recrimination.
Desperation.
AUUUUUUGH why why why why WHY?! There's a traffic accident in my head and it's all spinning out of control.
I feel so goddamn weak and stalled. The people in my life who mean the most to me have plans and dreams and goals and are achieving them and being amazing beautiful talented powerful incandescently bright. I sit here are moulder in dark dank festering. No light no power all systems down. Keys gone engine rusted.
So much weakness inside.
Tomorrow restart.
Akiramenai.
Akiramenaide, ne?
(Don't give up. Don't give up, k?)
I WILL ring the psych lady. I WILL get extra hours. I CAN DO THIS.
So can you. So can we. Because we are better than the fucked up sacks of shit in our craniums.
We are disordered. HEAR US ROAR.
~Peri
Consternation.
Recrimination.
Desperation.
AUUUUUUGH why why why why WHY?! There's a traffic accident in my head and it's all spinning out of control.
I feel so goddamn weak and stalled. The people in my life who mean the most to me have plans and dreams and goals and are achieving them and being amazing beautiful talented powerful incandescently bright. I sit here are moulder in dark dank festering. No light no power all systems down. Keys gone engine rusted.
So much weakness inside.
Tomorrow restart.
Akiramenai.
Akiramenaide, ne?
(Don't give up. Don't give up, k?)
I WILL ring the psych lady. I WILL get extra hours. I CAN DO THIS.
So can you. So can we. Because we are better than the fucked up sacks of shit in our craniums.
We are disordered. HEAR US ROAR.
~Peri
Dust Bunnies
I spent a good portion of Monday afternoon hiding under my bed.
I figured it was a place where I was safe, nobody could find me, and if it was that damn hard to get under there in the first place, I was sure as hell gonna think twice about wriggling out to find my pills, vodka and knives.
I spent Monday night at Miles' house, demolishing him with my new Burn deck I put together. I found that Red has a major weakness in that it has NOTHING to stop enchantments. Repeatedly he stopped me from annihilating him entirely by ONE STUPID PERMANENT ENCHANTMENT!! Sodding White/Black is an evil combo. I need a Red/Green Burn and Stomp deck to counter that tactic.
/Geek
I told the doctor about hiding under the bed when I saw her on Monday Morning. I got the most deliciously weird look from her. (I collect weird looks. It's amusing what disturbs people sometimes).
I got 4 extra hours in grocery last night, so I'm not entirely assfucked next week. Just have to survive to next payday. One of the night staff, who I hadn't seen in about a year, actually stopped dead when he saw me. His exact words were: "What have you been doing with yourself? There's a lot less of you than there used to be!"
Really? It doesn't feel like any less. If anything, it feels like more!
Today has been a MASSIVE sleep in ad lots of photoshop work and Internet goofing. Very little eating. When I go down the rabbit hole, I lose interest in food. Sometimes sleep, other times I'll sleep for far too long.
I'm going back to do some more photoshopping, and watch Revenge Of The Fallen. I FINALLY get to see it.
Finally!
~Peri
I figured it was a place where I was safe, nobody could find me, and if it was that damn hard to get under there in the first place, I was sure as hell gonna think twice about wriggling out to find my pills, vodka and knives.
I spent Monday night at Miles' house, demolishing him with my new Burn deck I put together. I found that Red has a major weakness in that it has NOTHING to stop enchantments. Repeatedly he stopped me from annihilating him entirely by ONE STUPID PERMANENT ENCHANTMENT!! Sodding White/Black is an evil combo. I need a Red/Green Burn and Stomp deck to counter that tactic.
/Geek
I told the doctor about hiding under the bed when I saw her on Monday Morning. I got the most deliciously weird look from her. (I collect weird looks. It's amusing what disturbs people sometimes).
I got 4 extra hours in grocery last night, so I'm not entirely assfucked next week. Just have to survive to next payday. One of the night staff, who I hadn't seen in about a year, actually stopped dead when he saw me. His exact words were: "What have you been doing with yourself? There's a lot less of you than there used to be!"
Really? It doesn't feel like any less. If anything, it feels like more!
Today has been a MASSIVE sleep in ad lots of photoshop work and Internet goofing. Very little eating. When I go down the rabbit hole, I lose interest in food. Sometimes sleep, other times I'll sleep for far too long.
I'm going back to do some more photoshopping, and watch Revenge Of The Fallen. I FINALLY get to see it.
Finally!
~Peri
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