The huge-ass Macrocarpa out front comes down today while I'm at work.

Texted Kaye and told her I've dibsed half the wood for her.

She replied: "Wood for sheep?"

I actually fell over because I was laughing so hard.

NEED to play Catan again.

Nothing else to say right now, just popping in before work.

Trying to escape the temptation to open up Word and work on one of the two fic that have utterly eaten me.

If I do that I'll so fucking late -.-;

Ugh the one I started yesterday won't leave me alone because I LOVE angst and hurt/comfort but it involves dodgy alien biology and oviposition. I shit you not, I've gone and invented a whole new subspecies JUST to torture the living fuck out of some characters.

If I ever meet the people who let that bunny loose in my brain I'll fucking punch them, then hug them, then shake them, then hug them again yelling "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! OH GOD WHYYYYY" before collapsing and laughing.

Because the happy muse high is fucking LIFE.

~Peri

Miles came up with the tidbit that some REALLY FUCKING HOT friends of ours

who have been married for four years

are maybe possibly looking for some swingers.

Because they haven't shagged yet.

(They waited for marriage and got shy as FUCK)

I said I would be totally cool with the idea.

Coz holy fucking shit I NEVER though I'd get the chance to smooch her outside of a photoshoot.

And not even then because that's not the kind of modelling she does.

FUCK I HOPE THEY'RE SERIOUS.

I have no objections at all to a one-evening contract for sexy fun times.

Fuck if this actually happens I'm going to be freaking the fuck out.

But holy shit Miles is up for it too and I totally don't mind being pet to three for an evening.

Not to people I like and trust.

And she's smoking hot and I've kinda wanted to do her for YEARS but sadly I don't think that will be part of the agreement.

Gutted as fuck, but that's life.

He's cute, even if he's not my type.

~Peri

I had a really, really shit day on Tuesday.

Work/Brain/Health, all sucked.

I  survived because my entire brainpower went into internally screaming "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP" at the Bad Thoughts.

Tried singing this song in my head but really didn't have the spare energy most of the time:



I need a holiday.

~Peri

Pile of Stuffs

ARGH snow flurries.

We've had a really mild winter so the cherry blossoms have already peaked and the Rhodies are flowering early.

Then we get hill snow and hail to rip the sakura to pieces before i get pics for you.

RUUUUUUUUUUUUDE.

Last week we had an audit, and for the first time EVER we got 100%.

Morning tea is being shouted for us tomorrow.

I've been spending a lot of time on Tumblr and a lot of time writing.

It sucks to finally get into that good place where the flow is on and the words are spooling up and have to rip out of it to go to work or bed or other nonsense.

NOT COOL.

It makes me grumpy.

Kaye and CassSpawn are back in town. Docs are so happy with her progress that she is able to complete the rest of her Chemo down here instead of staying up in Chch.

She is under house arrest because her immune system is trashed and they need to keep an eye on what she touches. If I don't catch what Chatterbox has I'm going to visit later this week.

Grandad is doing very well, back home from the hospital but still doesn't have his licence back so he's not at work. Going on lots of long walks and is reading for the first time in his life (because daytime TV is shit).

Fuck, Teflon John the Smiling assassin got re-elected.

Everyone who isn't a rich pakeha bloke is FUCKED.

Fucking Kim Dotcom kept the focus on Key and the Nats so nobody remembered that anyone else existed.

 Mana party should have known better than to associate with him /facepalm.

So another three years of having healthcare, education, primary industries and tourism absolutely SHAFTED.

Fuck this shit, revolution please?

~Peri

MILES HAS REAL PROPER JUGGLING KNIVES

PREPARE FOR HOLES IN THE CEILING.

~Peri

(TW: Mentions of Child Abuse)

I'm nearly twenty-eight fucking years old and when I'm alone I still cry because of the shit that was done to me when I was little.

Because it wasn't safe to cry about it then.

After two years I still can't put the words to myself.

It seems unreal.

That was normal, wasn't it?

Everyone's Mums did that, right?

I still attract substitute Mums.

Chatterbox's daughter refers to me as her Mum's surrogate daughter.

I never had the guts to tell my mates that the reason their Mums liked me was because my 'good behaviour was a survival reflex literally beaten into me since my earliest conscious memories.

The first thing I remember is her resentment.

People keep asking when I'm going to have kids.

I say never.

When they say I'll change I want to laugh in their face.

I want to ask what THEY would do if they were facing a 70% chance of inflicting on their own helpless kids the same abuse you suffered?

That is was greater than 70% because you honestly don't know HOW to interact with people under the age of 4. That babies terrify you because you see in them the face of the baby brother you failed.

That innocent little baby face watching as you choose to protect the one old enough to run.

It's so much easier to say that you don't want to risk passing on the combination of genes that causes your mental illness.

In reality, it's a combination of the two concerns.

I've known for over twenty years I'd never have kids.

No amount of platitudes will change my mind.

I couldn't save my brothers but I'll damn well make sure I don't do to anyone what she did to us.

It's too little too late, but the fucking cycle stops here.

~Peri

Late Vlog and Work Thingies

Made you a Vlog on Friday but didn't get to upload it until now. Oops.



Some weirdo decided to get married at my workplace on Saturday. I didn't find out until I clocked in. 6 hours to catch up on all the stuff that didn't get done on Friday, do all our usual stuff, glaze a ham AND have everything looking PRIS-FUCKING-TINE for wedding.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THAT SHIT.

One of the Gods of Noms'R'Us came past and actually complimented how neatly I'd sliced and arranged the meat products in the cabinet.

I fucking had to spread so much shit out to make up for the stock that hadn't arrived AND the stuff that was still in boxes at the bottom of trolleys in the back of the chiller,

It seems that getting a compliment from him is about as hard as finding a complete Tyrannosaur skeleton.

Well. . . . ok. Just doing my job, mate.

Getting out of the store when it was crowded with rubber-neckers and celebs and cameras and a band and normal customers was a fucking nightmare. A good exercise in deep breathing and don't puke don't puke don't puke.

It meant we were quiet yesterday. That was awesome.

Tonight I agreed to work 1400-2200, doing close by myself.

My first solo close.

EVER.

last time I did a close Lia was still working with us and we had 2 people until 10pm.

I'm doing it on the condition that I DON'T deal with Seafood (They can look after their OWN fucking department) and I have a later start tomorrow.

This is still going to fuck up my sleep cycle something wicked.

NewBoss is 4 days older than me.

Only 4 days.

Fuck me.

I'm starting to wonder what my life would have been like if things had been different.

If Mum wasn't a drug-addled abusive fuckstick.

If Dad had actually supported any of my interests instead of telling me how I couldn't pursue any.

If I didn't have this mental illness.

How much further would I have gotten by now?

Might-have-beens are irrelevant. A waste of energy. This is what I have and what I have to deal with.

When I have the spare energy to waste on being angry at the past I'll consider using it for that purpose.

In the meantime I have to survive a closedown without murdering anyone. Our cardboard recycling procedure has changed AGAIN so I won't be able to hide corpses in the skip and the butchery staff clean down the department at 4pm so I can't hide rendered bodies in the pork section.

YAY CYNICAL FOOD SERVICE HUMOUR!

~Peri

Angry Sexuality Rant

I AM GETTING REALLY, REALLY FUCKED OFF

WITH THESE FUCKING IGNORANT WANKERS

WHO ARE CONFLATING

BISEXUALITY AND POLY-SEXUALITY

ERASING BOTH

AND CALLING ME "BIPHOBIC"

FOR DEFENDING MY OWN FUCKING SEXUALITY

WITH THE DEFINITIONS THAT HAVE BEEN AROUND LONGER THAN THEY OR THEIR PARENTS HAVE EXISTED.

I SWEAR TO FUCK if ANYONE on the comes up to me and tries to erase the last hundred-odd years of work by incredible, brave, forgotten people in order to appease the latest permutation of penis-worshiping European colonialist patriarchal BULLSHIT

I WILL FUCKING WELL DECK THEM.

~Peri, an angry Bi chick

I made 20kg of coleslaw yesterday.

So fucking sore all over.

Yesterday two American blokes came in, Nausicaa started serving one and I started serving the other. The one Nausicaa was serving started ordering in pounds and his mate just YELLS over at him "They don't DO pounds here, jackass!"

It made my whole fucking day and I told him so.

Today T fist-bumped a kid because her Mum described her as a "serious potato" and I said "serious potatoes are awesome" bent down to her level and said "fist bump for serious spud buddies?"

Stupid fucking spiderwebs muse is doing cartwheels are refusing to play because I insulted Jazz's accent (What the fuck does he sounds like? I've never heard anyone like that IRL) and I've been bitten with ideas for later in the story.

We have a new toaster.

Miles named it 'Stefan'

Took it's toast-ginity with strawberry poptarts.

~Peri

Cat Yodelling

I have finally succeeded in getting Dralion to yodel.



Explanation of Cats and Cat Yodelling:





~Peri

Fuck This Shit

Got a call from Jaq.

She tried to OD on Panadol and Ibuprofen. Spent the night in ED hooked up to drips.

She's been drinking a lot and stopped taking her meds for a fortnight, so I'm not exactly surprised.

Kinda expected it, but I thought they'd put her back in hospital until her mental state stabilised again.

Too much too bad too fast.

I can't feel anything.

Well, I can feel that I should be more affected by everything thats happened in the last few weeks, but it hasn't hit yet.

Great big pressure cooker of instability set to an unknown finish time.

Chatterbox and NewBoss want me to write a complaint letter about Deirdre, but I honestly don't have the energy to deal with her shit right now.

Spent about an hour browsing Intructibles this morning. I want to make a trebuchet to fire pom-poms down the hallway, but I hate making pom-poms.

I'm going to see if Grannie Annie's carry Altoids so I can make one of these instead.

Trying to work on stories as a distraction but the words are being eaten by silence and futility.

I was doing so fucking well despite Cass' leukaemia and Grandad's heart attack then this had to fucking happen omfg I hate and envy normal people so much right now.

Lucky lucky bastards.

How DARE you waste your gift of good mental health on backstabbing and gossip and shitstirring?!

YOU CRAVEN, PULING WASTES OF OXYGEN.

Next person to tell me 'just think happy thoughts' or say 'everyone gets depressed' IS GETTING KNEED IN THE FACE.

I DON'T FUCKING CARE.

TAKE YOUR IGNORANT BULLSHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

Ok going to watch Fine Nights at Freddies lets-plays and Battle Royale and laugh myself silly.

~Peri

More shakes and dry-heaving, so no work.

Was naughty and bought myself new books as a distraction. They should be here next week.

Words are gone into a big pit of silence.

Chatterbox and NewBoss want me to make a complaint about Deirdre threatening me.

I can't remember everything she said, I started panicking too badly after she mentioned Buttinski and everything is a blank.

Honestly, I don't have the energy to deal with it.

I have to pick my battles carefully, and that is one I just can't be bothered with.

~Peri

Whelp, That Escalated Quickly

I'm going to have to Vlog tomorrow about what happened at work today because holy shit I just can't process it properly to put into words right now.

I'll give it a shot anyway.

Deirdre was throwing a little tantrum about how she was 'being punished' by having 'her' job taken away from her because NewBoss and Chatterbox did Date Checks/Markdowns instead of Dierdre.

She kept going on about how she was being picked on and it was childish and SERIOUSLY woman, your hours of whining were the most childish thing there.

I'd bet a bottle of Stolichnaya Vodka that she and Tweedle Evil worked slow on purpose today to fuck over Chatterbox and I tonight since we did so well without Jeri last week.

And students are back. Yay eye candy but holy shit do they make the workload go up.

So long as we get rugby players in shorts and singlets and pretty tattoed ladies to banter with I don't mind much.

Back to Deirdre.

I got sick of her whining and said that when Buttinski was there I had ALL my slicing shifts taken off me and the cabinet looked like shit. AND the day I was supposed to do date checks I ended up stuck out the front serving nonstop while Buttinski and Jeri hung out in the back of the Deli and talked.

I also said that I had enough material for a Personal Grievance and a Harassment Lawsuit, and that if Buttinski had stayed longer I would have quit or killed myself.

NEWS FOR YOU BITCH: If you Three Bitchkateers had gotten NewBoss to co-operate on getting rid of me because of my mental illness, I could have had all of you and the company up for discrimination.

Making allowances for intellectual disabilities but not mental illness? Actively harassing and bullying someone with a life-threatening illness in hope that they'll go away for good?

Not a good look.

By this point she realised that she wasn't getting ANY sympathy from me and pulled the DIRTIEST fucking move.

She deliberately triggered me into a Freakout by saying that with Tweedle Evil's hours now being available (Her last day is Friday) that Buttinski could come back as 2IC.

BOOM!

PANIC TIME!

I had already spent most of the day shaking with rage at the fucking CHILDISH behaviour; now it was freakout shakes and dry heaving.

I nearly chucked just from opening my mouth to talk to a customer.

Fucking shameful.

Newboss gave me some gifts of information, though. Buttinski WON'T come back. They have to re-advertise the 2IC position. NewBoss refused to have Buttinski in and New!Storeboss hates her guts. (He used to be StoreBoss at Buttinski's store before the Managerial Shuffle)

AND AND AND AND AND

Deirdre applied for transfer out of the department. She was told she was too valuable to move. That is Manager-Ese for 'None of the other departments will take you because they don't want to deal with your shit'

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to manage work tomorrow. I'll have to see how I am in the morning. I want to go in because I don't want to make things harder for Chatterbox and NewBoss (plus money problems) but there is a very good chance of a Major Freakout if I do go.

Fucking hell I wish I was a Normal Person who didn't have to worry about things like this.

Lucky shits don't know how good they have it. Then they go and waste their extra energy on pointless shitstirring like the Three Bitchkateers and I despair for the human race.

~Peri

Ecstatic Joy and Blinding Rage

I feel like I spent my entire actual weekend buried in a word processor screen and not enough of it was doing things I enjoy.

It's really fucking sad when your boss has to ask you to write a letter of support for them.

Despite that I was ridiculously productive. A Dratchet one-shot and a really fucking long chapter of Spiderwebs up on AO3.

I've also posted some art from my sketchbook on Tumblr and someone followed me because of it. Dear gods that is so much confusion and warm fluffies I don't know what to do.

The experimental roster we're trial-running this week has me doing my contracted 1100-1900 shifts Monday and Tuesday. Because Jeri is no longer working Monday/Tuesday I'm able to do the longer hours with less brainspaz. It may be do-able in the long run.

Hooooo boy was Jeri PISSED to find out that we did better without her than we do with her last week XD

I'll post the letter when I get time to change all the names to Blog Aliases.

AHA! Itw as writing that sodding letter that made my weekend feel work-related!

I got totally spoiled, btw. Miles was in town so I got a hot chocolate delivered after the Farmers Market on Saturday AND one on Sunday as well because I got fuck all sleep. (Forgot to change my alarm back to 0800 from 0630 on Saturday night, FUCK)

Right now I'm about 8000% DONE with people and just want to stay at home with my coffee and the cat and work on Spiderwebs and this NEW bloody Dratchet plotbunny (Fucking Enfilade. Their gorgeous fic made me ship it because all the delicious potential for complications and arguments. ARGH)

OH FUCK YES TWEEDLE EVIL HAS RESIGNED!!!



Aaaaaand Deirdre has gone and complained to Human Resources about NewBoss so I'm going to fucking have to modify the email and send it to them.

NewBoss is panicking.

FUCKING HELL I WANT TO WRITE FICTION NOT SODDING FORMAL LETTERS.

I want to scream, punch them until they look like pandas and cry hysterically in the corner.

FUCKING JUVENILE, RACIST DOUCHETARDS FUCKING HELL I HATE HUMANITY AT TIMES BRING ON THE GODDAMN LASSA VIRUS PANDEMIC I'M SO FUCKING DONE.

~Peri