Tales Of Woe

Bitching and moaning lies ahead. . .

. . .My hands move upwards of their own volition. They are no longer under my control. The weighted bar resting above my head pulls them upwards, like the sun calling green things from the earth. An irresistible force that cannot be denied. Steel gleams under the florescent lights as the hands touch, fingers caressing the cool textured metal. They clench violently, calling forth new calluses on my palms. Arms shaking, muscles trembling on the point of collapse, I begin another set. . .

There is a pool of rage inside me. It is imperfectly hidden beneath a plodding good humour induced by increasing sleep deprivation. The causes could be many. Irma is due to arrive in the next week or so, the fucking cow.

I'm also aware that I've sabotaged myself by not going to the test for Math, so I didn't make Terms requirements. That has created a whole new joy of applying for Limited Full Time study so that I continue to qualify for my student loan this year. I also created more stress for myself last week by deliberately not going to a homework tutorial for Japanese. I still got 10/10, BUT I'm pissed off at myself for jerking the rest of my group around.

Additionally, this morning Dolly went and dug around in the cupboards. She found my coffee and drank it, then bit my head off via text message when I asked her to buy her own instant coffee if she wants instant coffee. I've told both my flatmates that my coffee is precisely that. MY. COFFEE. I don't drink their plunger stuff, they don't drink my special instant. End of story. Fucking cow. I don't drink her booze if I want to get pissed, I go buy my own. Just because it was her birthday last week, it doesn't mean she can help herself to whatever she wants. Entitled cow. I don't WANT to have to hide things in my room again!! She is just going to have to get the fuck over herself.

I just read this and am trying not to cry. No matter where you go, people really really suck. Peel off the skin and we're all scumbags undereath.

Pardon me, I'm a little down today. Nothing major, but it exposes my misanthropic nature a little more. I just want to be fucking normal, and I hate how people don't understand just how hard it can be where you aren't normal, but still look normal.

I have 3kg of carrots and half a kg of apples. That will keep me feeling full (yuck) and give me nutrients for few calories. I'm breaking out in the nastiest zits for the first time in forever, and my hair is getting really thin. Miles noticed it first, and it's scaring me. My hair is the one thing I really, truly don't hate about myself. I don't want it to leave.

I'm mopey coz I'm tired. I'm gonna go make a hot chocolate with 1/4tsp of nutmeg in it. Just enough to hopefully sleep. (Work no longer stocks the only herbal tea that knocks me out, and I'm DESPERATE for a good sleep. Desperate enough to stomach milk and milo calories)

Oh bleh, it looks like it will rain on the weekend. However, I do love walking through the bush in the rain! Whare flat has some amazing native bush around it. *Sighs dreamily* I'll be taking lots of pictures for you guys. I may even be vain enough to get a video of me poi dancing. Who am I kidding?! I'd love that kind of ego stroking!! XD

I'm going to boil the jug now. Shall I boil enough water for you, too?

~Peri

They've All Gone MAD I Tells Ya!!

Miles met my family.

He likes them! D: (Is he MAD?!)

They like him! (Have they finally become sane?!)

It was my brother's 21st birthday. We had dinner out. I ate a fuckton. Chicken, roast spuds, a little salad (It was soaked in dressing. NASTY), mashed spuds, some of Miles' spicy chicken with sour cream, and dessert. 3 scoops of gourmet ice cream with berry coulais and whipped cream.

I also drank like a fish. Hell, Dad was paying!

I got home and forced down 3 cups of water into an already aching stomach, hoping to make myself spew. No luck, so it's to the foul-tasting powder I go.

If I must live with these fucking calories, I will at least purge my intestine of this excess food weight. I shall weigh of myself, not what I ate.

This hasn't been a terribly good day, on the whole.

Bring on Tuesday!

Tomorrow I take action on my degree and my life. Change my major OFFICIALLY, drop MATH151 since I haven't made terms requirements, go back to the gym, apply for some financial aid, do my homework and shit my teeth out.

My, doesn't it sound glorious? <----(Sarcasm)

~Peri

Pieces of Sunday

.........
Goofing around at work today, being my usual crazy self.
Coworker: "Going off the deep end, are we?"
Me: "*Laughs* Going? Gone! Long gone! It feels like this place (meaning work) just likes to hold my head under water and laugh sometimes."
........

........
Dolly is passed out on the couch, snoring her head off. She took party pills at the dance party. Party pills are stupid, they don't make you high and give you the hangover from HELL.
She had just discovered this.
........

........
I discovered this, thanks to a message board acquaintance.
Operation Beautiful.
I am inspired.
........

........
After interrupting me in the middle of putting ham in the cabinet, a man asked me to get several salads from the very front of the salad case. This involves a lot of bending, balancing and stretching on my part. The customer then comments:
"It's good that you're a skinny wee thing!"
This pisses me off. Next time get your own fucking salads. Don't interrupt what I was doing to make me do a very awkward job and then comment on my size. Would you like your bean salad inserted nasally or rectally?
Neither?
Didn't think so.
........

........
I bribe two people with chocolate and WoW timecards to work next Saturday for me.
The bribes are successful. I can now go to the Easter Retreat for Firedance club for the first time in 4 years.
3 whole days of circus toys!!
I am ecstatic and spend the next 6 hours squealing about it non-stop.
........

~Peri

Some Rainy Saturday in March

Yesterday was a day of epic non-achievement. I woke up at 8:30, decided I was cold and hopped back into bed. . . The next time I opened my eyes it was 11!! DX

I went to Burlesque As You Like It - Not a Family Show with Miles last night.
The live singing was shit, with bad breath control and people out of key running rampant. The scene changes were clunky since they didn't allow quite enough time for costume changes. It seemed rather amateur until two men in black suit pants and white shirts came on. They proceeded to perform a mind-blowingly sultry ballroom piece, swapping the one hat between them to denote who was the 'Man' in that passage of the dance.

That pretty much set the scene for the rest of the night. Subversive, sexy, and twisting every pre-conceived cultural notion of sexuality and dominance onto it's head. They had two girls in form-fitting shiny catsuits do a re-enactment of a tropical slug's mating ritual on aerial silks. Three girls in nothing but tap shoes, gold sequinned hotpants and hats did an intricate tap-trading piece. Two incredibly buff men performed a gob-smacking Acrobalance routine. There was stripping, reverse-stripping (The performer started out her piece naked, with modesty preserved by people's hands. They proceeded to dress her throughout the course of her song. Her boobs, snatch and backside were kept covered the whole time.), circus arts, dance, storytelling and origami.

Epic night.

Epic bods.

Epic boobs.

The boobs! The boobs! OMG the BOOBS!!

*Dies*(Happily)

Today was a non-event. Work, tiredness, procrastination. The scales are laughing at the lack of fibre in my diet recently. FUCK YOU! I will start with Metamucil tablets tonight, and go to laxies if I haven't shit by Monday night. This is so not fair! Somehow I ate enough to put on a kg (3lbs) in one day! o.O WTf!?!

Tonight I shall paint my mutant My Little Pony Mod and exercise, since it appears the both Wal and Dolly have fucked off to Subduction to get drunk, smoke weed, take acid and rock out. Can you rock out to trance and thump-thump music? Hmm.

Sweet dreams, my lovelies. Sweet dreams of nymphs with epic boobs and excellently built Adonises prancing around you and worshipping at your feet.

~Peri

Well, THAT Was Embarrassing!

I had to eat a massive slice of humble pie yesterday.

It did not taste good. Kinda dry and bitter.

I misjudged my finances quite badly this week. I paid the Psych Lady all up, which was fine. I did, however, forget that I needed to go to the doctors today and get my prescription refilled. Since I have no money in savings I had to beg some off my parents. *Dies*

I neglected to mention to them that while I had just enough money to make rent and pay my gym membership, I had no money to buy much needed cat food and coffee. (I think the priorities need one hell of a readjusting here)

I never, EVER want to do that again. It was so embarrassing.

(Sudden topic change! ShaBAM!)

Circus club was last night, and the first burn of the year! I got to prance around on the Museum Lawn with a pair of borrowed fire poi and feel quite full of myself. I need to get myself a pair of them, as the club has ONE pair of poi, a bazillion staffs and 3 sets of fire fans. (I think there is even a fire hoop floating around somewhere!) So I borrowed an old set of fire poi off a performer from the Burlesque that is in town, and pretended I was one of the cool kids.

Sigh.

Just look at that poser, will you?

~Peri

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

57.8kg today. I'm back on the ED train, lol. Had wobbles today (Read: 3 chocolate bars) but I know I can do better tomorrow.

I WILL do better tomorrow.

I went to catch up with the Psych Lady today. She said I'm doing so well compared to the last time I saw her. She actually said, jokingly, "What are you doing here?" Lol, my stomach was rumbling quite loudly while she said that ^.^

~Peri

FUCK This

Still have the headache today. Joy

I decided to have dinner, since my flatmate was home.

Cooked up my low-cal canned stew.

IT HAS FUCKING MUSHROOMS IN IT.

I have several appointments to keep with lecturers tomorrow, so I can't take the risk of being violently ill, even though I'd love the excuse not to eat.

WHAT A FUCKING WASTE OF MONEY.

I'm not bloody happy.

WHY WON'T THIS FUCKING HEADACHE GO AWAY????

~Peri

Holy Shit! Random Survey!

Got bored, stole this from Vinushka :p

HONEST SECTION
Honestly, what color is your underwear? Brown satin with pink lace
Honestly, whats on your mind? Frustrated I have nothing constructive to say when my friends are having a shitty day,
Honestly, what are you doing right now? Filling this out and playing PI
Honestly, who are your best friends? I'm not sure. People who I would have called best friend a few months age are drifting away.
Honestly, are you competitive? Oh yes.
Honestly, have you done something bad today? Yes. I've skipped class and haven't taken my meds yet
Honestly, do you watch disney channel? No, I don't have Sky.
Honestly, who is the last person you talked to on the phone? My mum
Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? Everyone who isn't crook! XD
Honeslty, is there someone you will always love? Yes
Honestly, do you bite your nails? Yeah. . .
Honestly, are you keeping a big secret right now? It could be big, I'm not sure.


CAN SECTION
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth? Grr, no. I'm working on it!
Can you touch your toes? Yes!
Can you whistle? Yes
Can you wiggle your ears? No
Can you wiggle your nose? Yes
Can you roll your tounge? Yes!
Can you make a clover with your tongue? No :(


ANGER SECTION
What do you do when you’re mad? Get surly, snap at people, stab things, play Eminem really loud and clean.
What’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad? Smashed an expensive sheet of tempered glass over several hundred dollars worth of stock (Sliced meats) and threatened the person who pissed me off.
Ever made anyone cry when you were mad? Not yet. (This is a challenge, now)
Do you swear when you’re mad? A lot.


TEAR SECTION
Ever really cried your heart out? Yes
Ever cried yourself to sleep? Many times.
Ever cried on your friend’s shoulder? Hell no, I don't like people seeing me cry
Ever cried over the opposite sex? Yes
Ever cried over the same sex? No
Do you cry when you get an injury? No, I swear
Do certain movies make you cry? Yes, if I'm by myself


HAPPY SECTION
Are you usually a happy person? No
Who makes you the happiest? My kitty (Wooo Miles would be pissed XD)
Does being with your friends make you happy? Sometimes
Do you believe in yourself? No, never
Do you wish you were happier? Yes, why do you think I'm on meds?
Can music make you happy? Yes!


LOVE SECTION
How many times have you had your heart broken? 3
Has anyone besides your friends/family ever said ‘I love you'? Yes, and they are all gone


HATE SECTION
Do you actually hate anyone? Yes
Ever made a hit list? Several
Have you ever been on a hit list? Probably
Are you a mean bully? No


PHYSICAL SECTION
What is your current hair color? Varigated Blue/Green
Current piercings: 4 in ears, 1 in tounge, 1 in navel
Have any tattoos: Not yet
Straight hair or curly? Wavy
What shirt are you wearing? A black hoodie with ghosts on it
Shoes? Black and pink striped socks
Necklace? None


LASTS SECTION
Person you talked to in person? My flatmate
Person you talked to online? Koia
Person you talked to on the phone: Some random customer
Person you hugged: Miles
Last person you hung out with? (Besides flatmates?) Miles
Last thing someone text you? Jaq lol-ing at me asking her to text me before she came round so I could boil the jug and hide the porn XD

Chaos Is Fair. The Established Order Is Not.

That was one of the worst shifts I've had to work. It's not in the Top 5 Shittiest Shifts Ever, but it's definitely in the Top 10. 8.5 hours (Counting breaks, lol) with a godawful headache. I had 6 Neurofen over 2 hours, and that just barely dulled it. No, not allowed to leave early. I made everyone suffer with me. Horrible, yes. I was in no mood to pussyfoot and play nice. Piss me off and face the consequences. Grrrr.

I need to get my prescription refilled this week, so I'll talk to the Doctor about the headaches then. It almost feels like a sinus headache, like someone is beating me in the bridge of the nose with a baseball bat. *eyeroll* I also have an appointment with the Psych Lady on Tuesday. Are you proud of me?

Last night was the Hyde Street Keg Party, combined with a rugby game at Carisbrook and a concert by the Black Seeds. Dolly way working, Wal is still in Auckland, so Miles and I had awesome, wild, loud, mind blowing sex. He is willing to explore and experiment in the areas that I enjoy. This is so epic I have no words to describe it. This guy is so amazing. I will grovel at his feet all night if he asks it of me.

I'm nearly back up to 59kg *tears hair out* I'm also almost entirely over this cold, so it's back to the gym on Tuesday. *Rubs hands together in glee*

~Peri

Hippowhale

58.7kg.

All that work to get down to 57 RUINED!

Being sick makes me fat.

I can't differentiate between healthy calories and unhealthy calories any more. When I'm sick 1000cal of ice cream seems just as viable an option as 1000cal of fruit.

We all know which one is better for you, but guess which one I eat?

{Hint: It doesn't grow on trees)

~Peri

Thoughts and Boredom

*Runs eye down page*

Wow, I really haven't been giving you anything remotely good or interesting to read lately, have I? Lol some of you can post brilliant, scintillating pieces of writing even when you've spent the last 6 hours having a massive B/P session and killer bronchitis.

*Is jealous*

The reason may be that I am doing a lot of forced writing for Uni. I just don't want to be coherent or structured outside of that framework any more. Screw turning my blog into a bunch of essays! Yum has done that so well, with her well-structured and informative discourses on nearly any topic she lays her hands on. I'd feel like I was competing, which is completely mental!!

I've spent most of today sitting on the couch forcing myself to sit still, drink soup and try to recuperate. My plan was to be in the gym again by today, but that has been set back by this FUCKING COUGH. I'm back up to 58.2kg, and not happy in the least. Grrrr let me back in the fucking gym so I can lose this shit! Feeling all this food inside me is disgusting. Goddamnit, body. You only THINK you need these calories for energy to heal up. Moron.

I'm running around with a massive purple towel piled up on my head like a turban. I put the blue dye through it about 2 hours ago, and I'm too scared to see what it looks like dry. I mixed Fudge's Blue Hawaii with Manic Panic's Shocking Blue. I've never used the Manic Panic dye before, so I wasn't prepared for how fast that stuff stains things! The bath is blue, the gloves are blue, the shower is blue, my palms are blue and my fingernails are a lovely shade of sky. Dear god, next time I use it I think I'll put a protective layer of Vaseline on the shower walls before the next time I have to do this D:

I've been watching YouTube all day. Fuck this study thing. I went to my tute this morning, that's all the effort I'm putting in today. Instead I've been indulging myself in some voyeurism. Specifically, Eating Disorder Vouyerism. (Who would'a guessed it? :P) ChiLatino's channel has a multitude of interesting and thought provoking videos on it.

This one, Speciality Models, I love to bits. The plus-size model said something in the last segment that really twigged with what I've been going through with University over the last week. Plus, she is GORGEOUS! Damn, I wanna have the curves of a burlesque dancer and the face to be one!


This one just kills me. There are so many, many things we don't consider. Why on earth would you take the impact on your kids into account if you are just tying to erase yourself? By the time you realise how much it hurts them, it is far too late.


This one as well. I just can't imagine how hard it would be to have to hide your purging from you children on a daily basis. Here is a scary thought. Imagine waking up in the morning and finding your mum dead in the bathroom. Her face in the toilet, vomit splatters everywhere.

God, when that woman got on the scales and saw her weight had gone down, you could see this nuclear explosion of conflicting emotions in her face. part of it was the voice of the ED, saying 'Yes, come back! You're skinnier, but I can make you perfect' and the other part was the rational mind she'd developed through those hard decades of recovery. This mind knows it is wrong to feel happy about this, knows that is is dangerous. You could see worry and elation and it was all there on her face.

The ED was lying and she knows it.

Hi, my name is Eddie and I'm here to make the rest of your life a living hell, you fat fuck.

Fuck you, Eddie.

~Peri

THIS

Is the best apple.

EVER.

Linky

~Peri

Want Epiphany NOW!

Took in a piece of information in my English tute today which I hope this will blossom into an epiphany sometime soon.

Universities are not here to groom us for jobs. They are here to teach us how to think. That has been their traditional purpose for centuries. These monolithic entities are slow to change. Despite the recent attempts to modernise by adding career-training courses, their primary purpose is still to encourage us to use our brains.

This degree is not the be-all and end-all of my life. I must convince my heart of this before I walk into careers advisory on Friday morning.

I've been told the Careers Service at Otago is about as useful as tits on a bull.

Why am I not surprised?

~Peri

Fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck.

It was only a matter of time before the Math got ontop of me.

I'm wearing trousers and woolly top today. (It's bloody hard to tell what the actual temperature is when your body temperature goes up and down like a whore's drawers.) The tutorial room was a billion degrees, which really fucked me over when combined with the lingering fever. I went through the first 4-part question twice by myself, and when the tutor said I'd been doing it wrong I just couldn't handle it. I left.

Here is my dilemma.

Everything that fascinates me in the sciences needs maths. I have never been able to do maths. EVER. Not even in primary school. When we got into multiplication and division, I was screwed.

If I do what I'm good at, I'll graduate with a BA.

I DON'T WANT A FUCKING BACHELOR OF THE ARTS. It is a useless fucking degree that will leave me:

a) Teaching.

b) Working in a minimum-wage entry-level job in perpetuity.

c) Stuck doing a useless Masters or PhD until I eventually cave and chose option 'a'.

None of these are palatable options.

a) I HATE PEOPLE. Enough said.

b) See above.

c) Well, what a big fat fucking waste of time that would be!!

I'm only at university because my family expect me to be there. I am not there for me. I have no goals, no ambitions an no dreams. I don't want a family. I could try to get published, but all I would write would be shit. Best case scenario is I end up a 'popular' author. I don't want to produce yet more shitty books that would only compete for shelf space with the other equally shitty books at The Warehouse. I would honestly have to commit seppuku to erase the stain of such a shame from my honour, such as it is.

No matter what I do, it's going to write off a massive chunk of my life. I'm trying so hard to look at it as a sunk cost, but the $10,000< of debt in my name at Inland Revenue says different.

What I'd give to not have to think for a while. I finally see why Wal and Dolly get stoned. Why Milo used it to give herself a temporary reprieve during her last miscarriage.

I'm just gonna live on nothing but herbal teas for a while. Say a few days. Yay for shitty coping mechanisms!!

~Peri

Not So Wretched

My heart is pounding for no reason. I have a massive adrenaline rush. My body is primed to fight or flee, and I have no idea why.

The body is winning against this disease. I am feeling more human and crotchety today, and less like a week-old corpse. Whee!

Today was a full-on asshole of a Monday. 3 hours of class followed by 2 of sitting by myself in Union hall. I demolished piles of food, coffee and fruit juice to fuel my immune system and hated every part of it that wasn't coffee. (I've gone through 3 bandanna sized hankies today. Actually, they ARE bandannas, I just use them as hankies)

After an hour of math I hopped on my bike and headed home. Or tried to. I got a block down the road before I ran out of gas. Tried to go to the reserve tank, but there was nothing in there either! FUCK! Miles was awesome, he met me at the petrol station and gave me a ride back to my bike.

There were so many girls jogging around that end of town, I was so jealous. I want to heal fast so I'm restricting my training to yoga stretches and very light callisthenics.

Grrrrrrrr hurry the fuck up, immune system! I want to do some fucking CARDIO!! Coughing up phlegm is unspeakably nasty. Especially when it hits your tongue bar and sticks to it!! I'm pretty sure the weight I've been losing recently is muscle mass, from the lack of training.

nononononononooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

Lose fat, not muscle! Muscle is there to BURN the fat while you do sedentary things, like sit in lectures and sleep.

Fuck.

~Peri

Uuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrgg

Yeah, took the day off work to try to recover. Going kinda well. I'm progressing through it a bit faster than Dolly, but she's been drinking and smoking (Wacky and regular baccy) so, yeah.

I still fell like shit, but I'm not gonna memorialise it beyond:

I CAN'T GET MY DAMN NOSE TO UNBLOCK!!! AAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

/Rant.

I've been working on a MLP mod for a contest on Pony Island. Today I boiled the head to soften the glue holding the hair in. Fuck it looked macabre. It is currently sitting in the study, waiting for the clay to dry so I can give it a base coat. Yay!

I was back up to 58.5kg today. It was a fluctuation from food in my system. The aloe vera juice has been sending me to the loo like a motherfucker, so I was 58.1 just before I showered.

I have a 3 hour long block of lectures in the morning. I should go to bed. Need sleep.

Love you!

~Peri, Plague Carrier

Blonde and Diseased

The fresher flu is raping me soo hard right now. Ugh.

Yesterday I ate so much shit, and continued to do so today. I don't even want it, I'm just desperate enough to try ANYTHING that will make me feel better.

Hmmm, how 'bout a course of leeches? (Miles and I watched Blackadder last night XD) I dread getting on the scales tomorrow morning. I may just have a spaz out.

Here is sick little me, blonde.
-Pics are gone nao-


Feel like shit, sound like shit, look like shit and *Licks arm* taste like ham.

I had the scary South African Grocery manager come up to me today and say that he was worried. He told me that he wants me to look after myself, because he has noticed that I've lost a lot of weight recently. Especially around my arms and upper body.

Awww, cute. Scary and cute. (Seriously, never fuck with a South African on a mission. Ever seen District 9? Take the main guy when he goes badass and multiply that by 15 billion. You get our GM on a GOOD day!)

You know what I think?

KISS MY WHITE FLABBY ASRSECHEEKS, PEOPLE. You can bitch all you want, caution all you want, but you can't throw me in hospital coz I'm still menstruating and I can BS my way around any psych exam you care to throw at me.

Mummy, you didn't care when that girl tried to kill me on the trip in Intermediate School, did you. She had you wrapped around her little finger, didn't she? So sweet and perfect, wasn't she? So you left me alone with her on the bus while you went outside to smoke. I can still remember the cheers of the other kids egging her on as she throttled me, and holding back tears when you told me not to lie about her.

You never even apologized, even when you saw the bruises.

So DON'T fucking tell me you suddenly found your maternal devotion now, bitch. Coz we both know it's false. You and Dad needed someone to be disappointed in, once you had your two bonny boys. So here I am!

Oh hell, dunno where I'm going with this. Maybe if I shoved a leech up my nose it'd suck all the snot out. Then my brain could get some oxygen D:

Sleep time. Love you!

~Peri the germ factory

Squiggle, dot, More Squiggles, Another Dot

I had lunch today for the first time in months.

As in: I went into the Union grill, got a Fajita plate with spicy chicken. I made 2 fajitas with the spicy chicken, lettuce, some sour cream and salsa, and I ate them.

It was the most substantial meal I've eaten in a damn long time. About 2 weeks? Our cooking roster fell apart, which has helped me hit today's new lowest-ever weight of 57kg. BMI of 18.4 :D

The feeling of being full was so fucking strange I went straight to the gym and powered through my weights session. I have to be more regular about going!! This shoulder is getting retardedly sore.

I'm catching Dolly's cold, so I had a Hot Toddy and I'm about to potter off to bed. I should sleep very well tonight, despite lunch! (Right now I'm puppy-drunk from lack of sleep, and the whiskey is making me ditsy)

I have to get up early enough to hand in my Math assignment! Then I can get on with other things! I have PLANS! PLANS, you see!! They involve the decapitated MLP on my shelf, and the pile of unopened M:TG boosters. (They are rewards for achieving things, like handing in assignments on time, or going to all my classes in a week)

I'm gonna go change my major. After 3 years of stubborn I'm gonna give up and do shit I'm GOOD AT and may actually enjoy. For some reason, I see that as a 'Soft Option', because doing stuff I'm good at and enjoy makes it easier. Meh, fuck it. I'll do as I damn well please.

(Yay St. Trinians!)

Oyasumi!

~Peri

I'm A Yellow Stormtrooper!

I woke up with the headache of DOOM yesterday. I've been having them off and on for the last 2 weeks, and they seem to be getting more frequent. I have no idea what is causing them o.O (I've ruled out coffee, cola, food, sleep and meds as possible causes. What next?)

I still went to all my classes and handed my Japanese homework in A DAY EARLY. I even did the prep work for today's lesson!

Had 2 massive freakouts in classes yesterday. Japanese, I had a brain blank and didn't know what I was doing, what I'd been in the middle of saying, and what the hell was going on. In my Math tutorial (Tute) I just couldn't understand what the hell we were meant to be doing. AUGH FUCK.

Today was similarly productive. Weighed in at 57.2kg after fluttering around 56/57 border ^.^ My hipbones seem to be here to stay! Went to all classes, got a course reader and paid off my library fines. There was a lot of walking today, since it was Walk To Work Day. Oh god, I forgot what it was like to spend the entire bloody day with a bag full of textbooks on my back! D: I felt so light when I took it off!!

Wal left this morning to spend two weeks in Auckland. He woke me up at 4:30am clattering around with last minute packing. I just snuggled into Miles' nice warm back and enjoyed teh hugzors until the alarm went off at 6:30. (Miles was stilt-walking in town for Walk To Work Day advertising. He had to be on his was at 7)

(Please forgive any lapses into 'Lolspeak' that I may make. My PhD friend just given me a copy of his finished translation of The Call of Cthulu into Lolcat language. Reading that has caused me to start thinking in Lol! XD Holy hell, it's the funniest thing I've read all year!!)

My hair is a very violent shade of yellow after 2 applications of toner and lashings of a 'conditioner for blonde hair'. It is most definitely NOT a natural shade AT ALL, and it stands out worse than a white person in the middle of rural Nagoya. All I can say is thank GOD it didn't go the awful ginger shade Maori and Asian people tend to get when they bleach their hair D:

I've been up for 18 hours on 4 hours sleep. BEDTIME!!!

*Mwah*

~Peri

Ranty McRantface

The Japanese lecturer is EVIL. He marks in fractions of a mark. I'm not talking about 0, .5 and 1 here. I'm talking about .4, .5, .6, .7, .8 etc. Anything under .5 = FAIL. Urk. I passed the homework for last week, but we still haven't gotten the essays back yet. He is going over every possible error with a fine tooth comb.

UniPrint Shop is sold out of course readers for my English paper until Wednesday, and the Math one until Friday. I could cry. They are VITAL for both lectures and tutes. *Runs around flailing arms like a spaz*

Oh, yeah, while I rant on about Uni, I have a TWO HOUR math tutorial tomorrow!! What the HELL!? THREE HOURS of math on a Tuesday. I already can't be bothered dealing with it.

This Japanese homework is KILLING my brain. "For each of the items in "Chapter 2 grammar points", construct a discourse consisting of two or three sentences that includes it." Thinking up all the bloody discourse topics blows. Oh well, it's only 5 this week -.-

Oh wow, you guys were prolific little bloggers over the weekend, weren't you? I stayed away from the bogosphere coz work had me murderous. THE STUDENTS THIS YEAR ARE SO RETARDED. 'Nuff said.

The number of skinny bitches is increasing as the freedom from parental supervision allows people with EDs a freer reign on their disordered behaviour. I wonder when the first collapse will be? The current trend is for midget tiny little short-shorts and denim hotpants, so it may take a while. (There is usually at least one reported collapse of a girl in the uni at some point during the warmer months.)

I've been steady at 58.2kg he last few days. Miles has been staying, so I haven't been able to empty my system with laxies, and it isn't smart to take them when you have work or 3 straight hours of classes the next day XD

I worked out why I have been reluctant to head to the gym for the last few weeks. The endorphin release caused by exercise makes working out seem to be pleasurable, a 'reward', if you will. By not going I am punishing myself several times over. I miss he fitness increase, the endorphin burst, the weight loss AND my shoulder deteriorates to the point of constant agony, like it is now.

Retarded bitch starts with a 'P' and ends with an 'I'.

Ugh, fuck the homework. I have 3/5 done so far. Time to catch up.

<3

~Peri

Broken Philosophising

Conflicted, confused.

Battles in my head today.

When I was seven, I had you. But now I'm Twenty-two
Time to get rid of you. You've been around more than long enough

I'll take a hammer . . . I'll smash your head. . . and cages too. In fact, while I'm here I'll smash the whole of you up
God yes, I want to break you into itty bitty bits and flush you down the toilet where you can never come back to haunt me again.

But. . .

But Skeleton, you are my friend. Even though when I take you out you've got me standing in an awkward position with unwanted attention.
I've always known this, only this. If I wasn't mental, what would I be? If I wasn't bolting from the room in panic, would I still be me?

People treat you differently when you are Blonde. People treat you differently when you are skinny. People treat you differently if you are male or female. If you are yellow or black or white or red. People treat you differently if they know you have a mental illness. If you are sane. If you have money. If you live on the dole.

I don't know if I like being treated differently, thank you very much. I'd rather just be myself and fade into the background.

(Kinda hard to blend into the crowd when you have a corn-coloured mop top)

(Yeah, coz blue will be so much better *eyeroll*)

Outside, inside, I don't understand why what people think of us has so much bearing of what we think of ourselves. I know I'm a billion times better off then my epileptic friend who can't drive. I'm a thousand times better off than the friend whose suicide attempts are common knowledge among our social group.

There are people better off than me. There are people worse off than me. So why then do I seek help? It is because I know I could easily end up dead by my own hand within the next year, the next few months even, and I wish to do all I can now to avert it while I still want to get help.

Why is it that when you attempt to seek help, you are denied unless you life is in immediate and obvious danger? Jaq was turned away from EPS when she told them she didn't trust herself to be alone. The head of the counselling services at Otago University told me I was "Fine". Bulimics are largely ignored because they "aren't in immediate danger of starving themselves to death" (I'm quoting a documentary here. Maybe Desperately Hungry Housewives? I'm not sure). No matter that the EPS and Student Heath buildings are right next to a busy highway, full of speeding stock trucks. No matter that purging fucks you electrolytes so much the next purge could very well trigger a fatal heart attack.

Humans are not very good at looking beyond the obvious. The right-here-and-now. When I think of how much shit DOESN'T HAVE TO HAVE HAPPENED, it just makes me sick. I get so angry I can't move. It is such an inexcusable and disgraceful waste of valuable lives and resources it makes me absolutely wild.

It's a crying shame.

We have to hold on to each other, because sometimes that's all we've got. The understanding of the other loonies in the bin. People who know the scenery of this mental hell, and can share a water bottle of sanity when all other wells run dry.

And that is all I kno-o-ow

~Peri

Le Sigh

My hair is yellow and smells like roses, num num num. (I love leave in conditioner!)

Well, Ink went out and got into a scrap this morning. He got bitten on the inner bend of the elbow on the left foreleg. $70 and a trip to the vets later, the verdict was a shot of anti-inflammatories and a shot of antibiotics and he'll be fine -.-;

He is supposed to go back for another set of shots on Sunday morning before work, but I'll see how he goes tomorrow. I'm keeping him inside so he stays off the leg. He's been curled up asleep on my jacket all afternoon.

Essay was done and handed in on time so I got to open another booster from my Worldwake fatpack ^.^ Go me! I'm planning a bitchy nasty green/white deck with some of the cards I got. Muahahahaaaa!!!

I'm gonna go for a walk and enjoy the not-rainy evening. I haven't been to the gym this week because the extra shifts have killed my shoulder. I really need to find out when my next massage is, so I know when I'll be pain-free. Then I can begin training for Acro and Silks again without worrying about crippling myself by accident.

Is going for a walk safe? I'm within 30min of Burger King, KFC, Maccas, several chip shops, a couple of dairies, 3 supermarkets, 2 pizza places, (The bakery doesn't count, coz it's shut) and a bunch of restaurants and Pubs.

Hmmm.

Turn the music up and march on!

~Peri

Noooooooooo!!

OhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOhcrapOHCRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!

Ink (My cat) just went outside for 10mins and came in limping on his left foreleg and shrieking his head off.

His vet appointment is in 45mins.

(My essay on a contemporary cultural problem in my town for Japanese is due in 6 hours, unstarted)

Ink is hiding under my bed. He got sick of me patting him down, trying to work out where he hurt the most.

(He Mrrrrgrrrrowlgrrrrrrrs loudest over his shoulders and lower down towards his hips)

To say I'm panicking is to put it mildly.

Thank GOD I can borrow course costs from my student loan to cover the bill (I hope) :'(

On the surface I am handling this well, calm, cheerful and in a good humour.

The terror, panic and worry are bubbling just below the surface.

Choke it down, keep up appearances. Prepare for the freakshow later.

~Peri

P.S HOLY SHIT I'M BLONDE!!!!!! (That was what I was about to post before my upset cat appeared)





:'(

Eeeep!

The dye is in.

7mins left until rinse-out time.

Kay worked at one of the best hairdressers in town, so my head trusts her. (Plus she's HOT)

I remember what happened last time I bleached my hair, (Think tortoiseshell travesty,)and I start worrying.

Only time will tell.

~Peri

Boredom, Acro and Hugs

I never realised just how much I HATE dealing with students at work until a fresh batch of First Years turn up and proceed to wreak merry hell throughout the supermarket. Little bastards.

I worked with Tweedles Dee and Rum, since Jaq had to supply moral support for her Mum today. (Her little brother was caught robbing someone's house AGAIN) This involved a lot of doing dishes, and cleaning both the slicers since neither would do them if their lives depended on it. My shoulders feel like I have red hot coals in there instead of muscles. Fuck, I need to get a massage and throw my ass back in the gym, ASAP. The are GOOD REASONS why they give you that evil-as-fuck program, Peri!

Maybe not slouching will help? Yup, it does a bit.

Ugh, I'm boring and whiny. Work does that to me. Have some pretty Acro shots (Since I missed Circus Club tonight):






Ok, time to play with some advanced grammar and consider an essay topic. Tomorrow night I am getting my hair cut and bleached. I will post you some pics on Fridy so you can see how well it turned out <3 Please send Odie some love and hugs. She really needs them right now.

Goodnight all, sleep well.

~Peri

*Mwah!*

Thank you guys so much for the support with yesterdays Freakout *Hugs all*

I found the blasted cards on top of my TV during a panic clean. I'd put something else on top of them and forgotten what I'd done with them. I think what scared me the most was I couldn't recall a large part of Saturday, and it took several hours of effort to recall Miles doing his goofy pick-your-pockets-and-put-everything-on-the-bench act.

Oh FFS.

Today I skipped the Math151 lecture (Math for Retards Who Didn't Pass High School Mathematics) to pick up the reams of handouts and homework from the Japanese lecturer. He seems like a pretty cool guy, if somewhat weird. But, all most people who leave their home country seem to have weirdness engendered in them simply by their own cultural indoctrination clashing with that of the culture in which they find themselves immersed.

(TMI Time!! Yay voyeurism!!)

I also gave myself a lovely bout of laxie-induced diarrhoea this morning. I panicked at gaining 2kg in 3 days due to food piling up in my lower digestive tract combining with PMS bloating. I had serious back pains caused by inability to shit combined with Irma dropping in. Whore gave me 2 days of agonizing cramps. They've never lasted that long before.

My tummy is now less bloated, thanks to aerosol poop. Seriously, it was bigger than Miles' post-pizza-gorge tum on Saturday night *Cries and hides*

(/TMI. You know you loved it)

Mum came over tonight to drop off my pushbike, so I can now get to and from Uni when I have to store my bike for the winter (It's coming up soon. I hate doing it, but we have no garage at this flat) She was going on at me to stop losing weight. Fuck that shit! Jealous bitch ^.^

Before I go shower and readdress this Japanese homework, I'd like to draw your attention to the bottom of the page.

Down there you will find a little toolbox of handy items to facilitate your understanding of this blog. Which means you guys can look up words you don't understand, weight you don't understand, and change KM into Miles. This also means I don't have to sit here and worry about whether or not I should translate something out of Kiwi-ese. (And wonder what the hell Americans would say in place of ~~~~~)

So, I need to get the hell off Blogger now and go do some homework.

Cheerio!

~Peri

Missing your first day of lectures because of a breakdown caused by not remembering where you put your debit card&chinese gardens year pass is fucking classy Peri.

So is he snot running down your face.

How much to ask is it to just be fucking NORMAL?!?

Why the fuck didn't you just get it right the first time, you stupid bitch. It isn't that fucking hard to die you stupid sack of meat. Now you're stuck here with all this shit. Now if you want to go you have to deal with Miles and your cat. Simple: Dump the boy, kill the cat, kill yourself.

FUCK I HATE THIS. WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER THING LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?! WHY THE HELL CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL?