Made you a Mopey Vlog of Mope and Sad with liberal amounts of Happy Cat Faces from Dralion last night.



Sunday I managed 7 hours of worrying the regulars before I had to leave.

Scared some kids by accident because my fake smiles weren't actually smiles. I was pulling faced because I couldn't figure out how to make my face do what it was supposed to any more.

Doctor put me off work for 2 weeks.

Meds have been increased by 37.5mg. (Venlafaxine)

Fuuuuuuuuck.

Today I forced myself to do dishes and clean the kitchen up a bit. Got one of those random bursts of frustration and unleashed it on the kitchen before losing all momentum.

Bright side to anhedonia: Steam Sale isn't tempting me.

~Peri

two plus two equals five

Didn't actually have an appointment with kerys yesterday. They screwed up the rebooking when I cancelled last week.

Spent 25min in the waiting room knitting and talking to a lovely bloke who thought I was a Student Nurse at first. (Where's my oscar?) "Oh. You're In The System too?" "Yeah, you?" "Yes"

It was more helpful than being made to question my sanity and being told that because I'm dysthymic that EVERYTHING I say about the situation at work is obviously an overreaction and it's not really as bad as I say it is.

Freedom is Slavery.

War is Peace.

Didn't sleep last night.

Oops.

Spent 6.5 hours being a snuggly warm blanket burrito with 'Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap' stuck in my head. A REALLY SHITTY studio version because my live version has a bunch of digitisation in it.

Could be worse, could be the feedback whine from Alice Cooper's Montreaux performance.

*Shudders*

Not at work today.

If I squint sideways hard enough I'm not actually depressed. It's all in my head so obviously I'm just making it up.

Freedom is Slavery.

War is Peace.

If I close my ears and close my eyes none of this is happening. Work isn't a nightmare and my family aren't fucked up and my perception of reality is obviously the false one because I'm sick aren't I so nothing I see is real or true I have to believe what others tell me. The only truth is what everyone agrees on. Reality is determined by those with power if I have no power I cannot say what reality is so I must listen to others. The party is always right, I am always wrong.

There are five lights, Picard. Not four. There are. Five. Lights. Your eyes are lying to you. Your mind is lying to you it cannot be trusted. If he says there are five then there must be five. Your perception is flawed. It deviates from the commonly accepted truth so it must be wrong.

Two plus two equals five.

Give in.

Two plus two equals five.

Give in.

Just say it.

Two plus two equals five.

~Peri

Whats Less Impressive Are Our Chances Of Survival

Firefly and Doctor Who.

River Tam and Vincent Van Gough.

Doctor; my friend. We have fought monsters together! On my own I fear I may not do as well.

Chatterbox wasn't at work on Tuesday. Got a text message from her last night.

The situation at work has her nearly at Rock Bottom.

Depression relapse. She got postpartum but has been in remission for longer than she's been working at Noms'R'Us.

She is going to the doctor.

The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and . . . bad things.

The good things. . . don't always soften the bad things but vise versa the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.

No matter how hard I try I can't be on time for anything.

I left 15mins before I was supposed to be at the physio, got stuck behind slow people and someone nearly hit me when I was trying to change lanes and after 30mins on the road I finally got there.

At least it was my last session unless something goes spectacularly wrong.

Vincent, Can I help?

It's so clear you can't help. And when you leave -and everyone always leaves- I will be left once more with an empty heart and no hope.

My experience is that there is - you know. Surprisingly, always; hope.

Then your experience is incomplete!

I know how it will end, and it will not end well.

My street was shut down for half of yesterday by cops with dogs and shotguns.

Since they caught the dipstick who broke out of the Milton Hilton Prison a few weeks ago I figured it was probably a Domestic.

Mum rang me twice, freaking out.

Bear in mind that she is 50+ years old and has NEVER seen a cop with a gun before.

I've at least had the somewhat dubious benefit of having Armed Offenders bust into a neighbouring flat at 4am, so I'm not quite as sheltered as she is.

Still, I don't like hearing dogs threat-barking while I'm hanging out the washing. Trained threat-barks are a different timbre to when you ask the sheepdogs to Speak Up, different again to honest canine aggression. There is something very unsettling about the sound.

This IS New Zealand we're talking about here. Cops with guns are unusual and seeing them means that something BIG and SCARY is happening.

According to the news the 22y/o bloke instigating the violence was taken into custody "without incident"

Going. . .

Going back like. . . . apple bits coming back up. Chaos.

The sun came out. And, I walked on my feet and heard with my ears.

I ate the bits, the bits that stayed down. And I work, I function like I'm a girl.

I hate it because I know it will go away.

The sun goes dark, and chaos is come again.

Its. . . fluid.

WHAT AM I?!

Day by day. That is all I can do.

Don't let on, don't get locked up.

I'm seeing Kerys tomorrow for the first time in 3 weeks or so.

She's at the point where she's trying to push me out and sees any hint of a backslide as me being whiny and attention-seeky.

I wonder how honest it's worth being.

Right now I'm indescribably sick to death of trying to explain that I am indeed sick and that I'm NOT faking when I can't do normal people things that I look like I should be able to.

I wish I had something obvious like cancer or MS so people would take me seriously.

At least it's cold enough that Dralion wants to cuddle of her own free will.

2 mice in the last week.

Aparrently I'm not getting enough rodents in my diet.

~Peri

Idiot

Sliding apart, not sure which way the pieces are going.

Are they even moving or is this all a mirage?

Rage could shoot them outwards or they could all blow inwards instead towards the whirlpool.

Release the Kraken or let it eat you? What a decision.

No work today. Couldn't deal with it.

Miles has been awesome about giving me space. This has helped immensely. I'm not falling apart as fast as I would otherwise.

I've been catching myself at the start of the binge cycle. Desperate attempt to anesthetise this shit with food.

It doesn't work, I'll just get stuck on that fucking shitty carnival ride that has no exit.

Don't go there. Don't go there. Don't go there. It's not worth it.

Instead I've picked massive scabs into my scalp AGAIN (Who the fuck had a headstart on grey hairs at 22 because of this disgusting habit? OH RIGHT IT WAS ME)

Started wearing a bandanna and cut my fingernails short to try to stop myself picking.

Started in on the skin around my fingernails instead.

I'm such a fucking idiot.

Am I going to have to start wearing bloody full-finger gloves too?!

FUCKING. IDIOT.

8 hours of Hell between me and my weekend. Lets see if I can make it.

~Peri

Do My Dirtywork; For You're The One Who's Shamed.

Made you a Vlog.

I'm really depressed and sleep-deprived so I have no idea what it's like.



Going to take more active steps towards getting the fuck out of the deli. The way things are going with Buttinski and how she has fucked everything up I'm not going to make it to Christmas.

We won the game.

Glad I didn't watch it. I'm in no state to endure a nailbiter like that right now!

Also: Yelling at the TV by myself is boring.

Gonna be a lot of hungover grouchy Brits around tomorrow.

The kind of whinging poms who give the rest of their countrymen a bad name.

I'm tired but not sleepy.

~Peri

I'm your life/And I no longer care

I am an unstable pressure cooker of rage.

Reactor No.4 at Chernobyl during the Safety Test.

How many control rods are still inserted?

I don't know.

All I do know is that there is an explosion coming and the fight to control it is looking increasingly futile.



I tried to make you a Vlog but it was incoherent and angry and just repeating things I've already blogged about.

The week keeps getting worse. Hell, the YEAR keeps getting worse.

Woke up from nightmares of being molested to find Miles wrapped around me like some kind of massive constrictor.

My bike gear is still damp from yesterday.

Ran out of petrol on the way to the physio.

Rude fuckwits filling up my pixel-pony contests before I can get all mine in.

Too much to do and not enough time away from other humans.

I'm too tired for this shit.

I can't deal with the work situation any more.

Mum wants to have a catch up this week.

She can go fuck herself.



Sundown came through with the pixel-art commission. With my past experiences of commissioning people on that site, I was worried it would take a lot longer when they warned me that exams were coming up.

Sure, it doesn't look like much but pixel art is fucking hard.

Now everything can go fuck right off while I read fanfic and play with my pixel ponies.

~Vienn

Dralion woke me up at 7am after 4 hours of sleep by hurking up a hairball under the bed.

felt like crap all day.

having wet feet didn't help.

(I'm out of dry, clean socks and it was raining on my way to work)

left work early because it was lie down or fall down time.

some smart cunt put the song 'Skinny Love' on the canned music. It played on my lunch break.

FUCK YOU, LIFE.

Dralion said 'sorry for the hairball' by bringing  me a live mouse.

it is no longer alive.

what is this 'sleep' thing, again?

maybe someone needs to bash my head in.

then I could sleep.

I'm pretty sure we've got a sledgehammer stashed around here somewhere.

~Peri

So. This Is What I Said. (Email to HR)

Tomorrow I have a meeting with our new StoreBoss to "discuss the concerns I raised via email".

An email which I sent to both him and the person in charge of Human Resources for our section of the country.

FascistBitch has been the HR person since she left our store.

I'm shitting BRICKS.

Chatterbox is coming to be my Support Person.

My goal is to have caught up on your blogs and replied to comments by Saturday Midnight. If I do this I get a pixel pony.

This is the email I sent off. Naturally all identifiable have been changed.

Man do I was 'TastyPigMeats' was a real company name.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing regarding the unprofessional and inappropriate behaviour over the last several weeks of one [Buttinski], currently the acting Deli Manager at Noms'R'Us Location X.

Tuesday 15^th April

On this particular day I had shown up to work extremely unwell, as I was informed that there was no-one available to cover my shift and I “had” to go in.

My symptoms included nausea, dizziness, muscle tremors, light-headedness and the tendency to pass out if I stood up too long or moved too quickly.

At 11:50am I overheard [Buttinski] asking Sita for a copy of the store Uniform Policy, using the exact words “That person wears a necklace and I want to shove it in their face.”

Several members of staff wear emotionally and/or culturally significant items of jewellery. Their reasons for doing so are their own and have been discussed with Management on a case-by-case basis.

Hearing a member of the Managerial team blatantly planning to attack subordinates over items that hold great personal significance was extremely disturbing.

At one point while I was trying to fill the Slice-Over cabinet and had stopped to serve some customers, [Buttinski] dragged me away from serving the customers to berate me about the way in which I had put stock into the Slice-Over cabinet.

Around 3 or 4pm [Buttinski] noticed that I had to hang onto the walls and the cabinet to stay upright and asked if I was OK. When I said that I wasn’t, she said “You’ll be fine though” and walked away.

At 5pm I was engaged in a spate of dry-heaving over a rubbish bin which I had moved out of sight of customers. [Buttinski] saw this, clocked out and left.

Around 6pm that night I was the only staff member available to serve the Deli and Seafood departments. A seafood customer who regularly came in for oysters saw me gagging on my way over to serve him. Upon ascertaining that I was unwell, he refused to be served by my and demanded that someone else serve him. He was extremely unhappy to find that I was the only person there and has begun buying his oysters elsewhere.

Saturday 26^th April

We were left with no cover for the 1100-1900 shift. The people working that day received no notification that the shift had not been filled. No roster had been printed for that week so DutyManager was asked to check the computer system to find out what was going on. She was able to inform us that there was nobody for that shift, and assisted us for several hours so we were able to provide product and service for our customers.

Sunday 27^th April

[Buttinski] left a message in the communications book complaining about work not completed the day before, despite being informed of the situation described above. The wording of the message was: “4 trolleys of stock not put out. This must be done. Sales=Staff”

Monday 28^th April

One person was left by themselves to juggle cooked food coming out of the oven and to also serve both Deli and Seafood from 1615 onwards, which is one of the busiest times of our day.

Saturday 3^rd May

I found very old-looking Shaved Beef in the Serve-Over cabinet without a date dot on the back of the label. That product had not been entered in the Slicing Book since the 29^th of April. Company Fresh Foods guidelines specify a maximum of two days on display for this product.

Upon discovering the Beef I immediately removed it from the Serve-Over cabinet and after smelling it I dumped it before checking the date in the Slicing Book.

I left an angrily worded message in the communications book about this, asking people to keep an eye on product. [Buttinski]’s response was to take me aside to say “[She] know[s] [I’m] passionate, but” I need to “tone [it] down”, with the implication that I was overreacting.

11:55am

This was the first Saturday morning I have worked with her since she took over as Acting Deli Manager. I am aware that [Buttinski] is still not 100% familiar with how our store runs, especially on weekends. As I have been working that particular shift for around 6 years now through a wide variety of situations I tried to help [Buttinski] by making suggestions about what we could expect in terms of customer flow and demand for cooked food, given the confluence of a Graduation Weekend, the 24hr Book Sale, weekend sports and the end of School Holidays.

In response to my suggestions she said “I do know what I’m doing.” Then added “Despite what you may think,” under her breath.

This was perfectly audible to me and as [Buttinski] was standing at the wrapping machine by our serve-over salad display this uncalled-for remark could have very easily been overheard by any customers.

[Buttinski] then went on to inform my co-workers and the duty manager that I would be working until 1900, instead of my rostered 1600 finish. As there was no roster available to confirm this change in hours and I had not been consulted about that particular shift being extended I left at my contracted time.

Saturday 10^th May

[Buttinski] found some FancyAsFuck Crackers that had expired some weeks previously. She then marked them down 90% so that staff members could purchase them, against food safety guidelines and the store Code of Conduct rules regarding theft. After several hours she dumped them in the skip and left it open while the yard was unattended by staff and the [Nearby Street] gates were open.

Monday 19^th May

Between 1730 and 1800, Chatterbox was away from the department helping the Rep from TastyPigMeats sort out a stock issue with the Duty manager.

After 5 minutes Jeri asked where Chatterbox had gone. When I informed her, Jeri then said she had ‘just seen’ Chatterbox at the meat bar checking the shelf so she couldn’t be helping the Rep.

Jeri then went off, saying that “[Chatterbox] is fucking useless, isn’t she? She’s fucking useless”

I refused to acknowledge these remarks and continued serving customers while Jeri muttered to herself.

After my shift I informed the Duty Manager of Jeri's remarks.

Tuesday 20^th May

As per the Duty Manager’s recommendation, I informed [Buttinski] of Jeri's remarks.

[Buttinski] tried to steer the discussion away from Jeri's comments and on to what the Rep had wanted. When I tried to get her back on topic [Buttinski] said she would have a talk with Jeri at some point, stating also that I had “probably misinterpreted the situation” and that “something probably happened earlier in the day to spark things off.”

To the best of my memory, there had been no disagreements between Chatterbox and Jeri during the few hours we were all on the shop floor together.

During the course of that shift, [Buttinski] informed both myself and another co-worker that she was concerned about the amount of wastage that is coming from product being removed from the Serve Over cabinet at the end of the time allowed by Health and Safety regulations regarding fresh food products.

We have since been instructed to leave both salads and sliced meat product in the Serve-Over cabinets for longer than the appropriate sell-by time, the assumption being that this will cut down on wastage and increase sales. Subsequently there has been an increase in customer complaints, both about the appearance of stock in the cabinet and of illness relating to consumption of food purchased from our serve-over cabinets.

On multiple instances over the last month I have been approached by staff members expressing concerns regarding comments [Buttinski] has made about me personally, as well as statements she made regarding my character and work ethic that she has made to Management within their hearing.

What I found the most disappointing was to discover that [Buttinski] has been speaking to others about my health issues. While I am fairly open about my illness, I have not confided in her to the level of detail she asserted knowledge of when speaking to others. [Buttinski] has also spread misinformation by claiming that I have an illness which differs from the diagnosis that was made by medical professionals. These actions have both confused and upset those staff with whom I am able to speak more freely.

It is my hope that these concerns will be taken into consideration and that both Noms'R'Us and ParentCompany have the training programs available to deal with the issues raised.

Sincerely,

 Vienn Peridot.

I just watched the same sunset twice.

Once out my window and again from the ISS.

It is such an incredibly odd feeling.

I want monsters to come out with the night and eat the world alive.

~Vienn

Melting Like Methane Ice

Unlisted Vlog about what happened at work today because I can't write it twice.



Copy-paste from my 'Dodgy Work Things' file I've been forced to keep.

Saturday 31^st May

Was 50mins late as alarm clock did not go off and roads were frosty.

No roster was printed, had to ring [Buttinski] to find out if 11-7 shift had been covered. It was not, on a very busy Long Weekend day. Asked NewStoreManager if we could have help to cover the 30min breaks for C. and myself, as we were very busy. He said no, that Seafood Dude would have to help us instead. Seafood Dude spent most of his day helping out in Deli. Store Manager said that if I had showed up on time we wouldn’t be that far behind. (Implication that we would not have needed help serving during busy period if I hadn’t been late due to circumstances outside my control)

Sunday 1^st June

When I arrived at work [Buttinski] asked Deirdre to stay and be a witness. Said a female had come to her and said they had heard me talking to TempBoss the previous Saturday (24^th may) and saying everyone hated [Buttinski]. [Buttinski] said her witness was willing to put those words in writing. She said she would take me to HRS for a meeting if the gossip didn’t stop. I said I felt that she was threatening me, [Buttinski] said she wasn’t threatening me and wasn’t intending to and got Dierdre to back her up in this assertion of not-threat.

I did not tell TempBoss that everyone hated [Buttinski]. I said that she had annoyed a lot of people, gave examples of things that had been badly-handled. Said that what the other person was willing to put in words was lies and slander.

I ended up having a breakdown and having to go home.

Jaq did her groceries at our store and asked Deirdre where I was. Deirdre told her to come visit me because "[Peri] needs a friend and won't talk to us"

DAMN FUCKING RIGHT I WON'T TALK TO YOU AFTER THAT.

Fucking hell, that's like having someone slice you open and rub shit in the wound then complain that you don't trust them to stitch it up.

Chatterbox and Seafood Dude have both given the letter for HR the once-over. I have emails for Store Manager and out HR person.

I'm tempted to CC the Nationwide General Manager of Human Resources for our company. . . If I can find her email.

I am so far beyond tired of fighting only to have this kind of shit happen.

To be reminded that my word is mud and my input is worth less than nothing.

That nobody wants me around and the years of experience mean sweet fuck all.

I've spent nearly a third of my life at that store and I've seen it go from a great team atmosphere where even the lowest checkout operator or fridge-stocker knew that Management would hear things out impartially and not hesitate to let supervisors and other management members know when they'd overstepped their bounds.

Now we have people in charge who give unquestioning support to even the biggest fuck-ups made by their management team.

So Buttinski boxes me in a corner with backup to assist in screwing with me until I fall apart so she can run to New Storeboss and say that I'm a fragile little headcase that just falls apart if you try to talk to her about anything serious.

I'm getting so muddled up in my own head.

I know that what she is doing is wrong, but I accepted the same things as normal from Mum and had councilors and therapists tell me I deserved the punishment or that I was exaggerating things because of the biases depression has caused in my thought patterns.

I fucking hate fighting tooth and nail to balance along the tightrope of cognitive clarity and then being told I'm DOING IT WRONG!!1! by people who haven't been there to witness the situation.

Seafood Dude is right, I need to start making audio recordings on my phone.

Legality be damned; I need evidence.

The situation has me questioning my sanity again and that little game lost it's charm when I was 14.

Have the sunset. It was glorious. If I only ever got to see one sunset, I would pick that one.

~Peri